Title: The Hazards of Fanfic Writing

Author: Els-chan

Pairing: Sore wa…himitsu desu! (Xelloss-sensei would be so proud...)

Rating: PG-13

Feedback: [email protected]

Disclaimer: Harry Potter and its characters belong to JKRowling. The Slayers belongs to Hajime...something or other and another person whose name I forget. Any other anime references I make...well, I don’t own them, either. I am making no profit whatsoever off of this.

Notes: Part of 'Dogstar: The Sirius Black Fuh-Q-Fest' Challenge #15.) Sirius Black is a closet fanboy and self-insertion fanfic writer who has only one fan. Who is it, and how does Sirius react when he finds out who it is?

Spoilers: None.

Archiving: 'Dogstar: The Sirius Black Fuh-Q-Fest' located at http://www.geocities.com/dogstar_fqf Possibly at my site after the fest is over at http://www.geocities.com/seansbabe69/ Anywhere else after the fest is over, just ask.

Beta: SANKU YUU, OQ-chan!

Summary: Logic does not apply here. Ignore the fact that the characters should in no way be familiar with The Slayers (the anime/manga series). Forget that Slayers doesn’t even exist at the time that this story takes place. In fact, just lob all established characterization and your common sense right out the window. You won’t need it.

A/N: I got the idea for this from watching the fan parody This Is Otakudom about a zillion times. For the record, while knowing about The Slayers would probably help you understand Sirius’s fangirl obsession with Zelgadis, it really isn’t all that necessary. Just insert your favorite male character from wherever in place of Zel and you should be able to get the picture, na no da. And please don’t hate me for the name ‘Xelloss’s Serpent’ (giggles immaturely) or the title of Sirius’s magazine – I know it’s cheesy, but my muse seems to be force-feeding me nothing BUT cheese lately...*sigh*

Zelgadis’s soft, smooth, human hands slid down to cup Sirius’s young, supple arse as he pulled him into a deep kiss. He didn’t think he’d ever be able to fully thank Sirius for curing him of his "chimeraness", but he certainly would try...

"Sirius? What are you doing?"

Sirius Black’s head shot up to look at his best friend. "Nothing much, Prongs. Just reading."

"What are you reading?" Remus Lupin asked, coming up behind James Potter. Sirius blushed and smiled brilliantly at him.

"Wizard’s Fanfic Monthly, of course." He turned back to the magazine. "They printed another one of my stories, you know." He looked up just to see his two best friends roll their eyes. He frowned. "What?"

James shook his head. "I don’t know why you spend so much time on that stuff, Padfoot. I mean, it’s not even real."

"Besides," Remus continued, "you’ve only gotten feedback from one person every time one of your stories is printed. What was their name again?"

Sirius scowled. "I’ll have you know that ‘Xelloss’s Serpent’ has given me nothing but rave reviews. I can’t help it if I have fans, you know."

"Don’t you mean ‘fan’? It can’t be plural if you only have one," James teased, causing Sirius to sniff and close his magazine.

"I knew I never should have told you I was a writer. I should have known you’d never understand." He stood and, with a great deal of melodrama, marched up to the dormitory he shared with the other three Marauders, magazine in hand and Remus and James trailing after him.

Elsewhere in the castle, a lone figure sat huddled in a dark corner of the library, hungrily flipping through his own copy of Wizard’s Fanfic Monthly. "Oh, Sirius," he sighed happily, reading through Sirius’s latest installment.

"‘The crowd cheered for their saviour Sirius as he descended from his Eva after smiting the evil Dragon Spooker Lina Inverse with a swift Kamehameha. She dissolved into a pile of ash, and soon Sirius found himself enveloped in Zelgadis’s waiting arms...’ Oh, that’s good..."Sirius muttered to himself, and quickly scribbled it down.

"Could you maybe take a break from that, Sirius? I could really use your help over here," Remus gasped out between giggles. Damn James and his tickling hexes...

"Uh, what?" Sirius asked distractedly, not even so much as glancing up from his parchment. "Oh, right, whatever. Finite Incantatem." Sirius immediately began writing something else down on the parchment with a chuckle. Remus frowned.

The lone lark figure whistled to himself as he sat in a secluded corner of the common room, sewing together some white pieces of fabric. "Yes," he muttered to himself, "I shall cosplay Zelgadis, and then Sirius and I can roleplay together, and then he shall be mine!" He cackled loudly, but no one paid him any mind since he’d been doing that a lot lately.

"Sirius, there’s something I’ve been meaning to tell you, and I know it might sound weird..." Remus began, but was interrupted by a bark of laughter.

"Oh, that’s rich! Xelloss in drag! What a brilliant idea..."

Remus growled quietly to himself. "Sirius, are you even listening to me?" Sirius just grunted in response. "Damn it, you prick! Will you please listen? I’m trying to tell you that I’m in l..."

"Oh, God, Moony, listen to this..." Sirius gasped out between giggles. "Sirius then summoned the seven Dragon Balls from Phibrizo’s hand only to discover..."

"ARGH!" Remus stormed out of the room.

"Now for the final touches...perfect!" The now-blue boy with rock attachments grinned at himself. "Oh, you’re just irresistible, Zelgadis-san. Did you know that? You’re bloody gorgeous..."

Sirius was perplexed. He hadn’t seen Peter in days, but that wasn’t what was perplexing him, since it was pretty likely that little Wormtail was still in the hospital wing after eating those chocolate frogs he’d spelled to use for a prank on the Slytherins. Remus wasn’t speaking to him, and he had no idea why. And now that they were at dinner, he wasn’t even sitting in his usual seat right next to Sirius; in fact, he was sitting with a group of girls at the far end of the Gryffindor table and sending him reproachful looks. Every time Sirius tried to speak to him, he’d turn away with a huff, and it was starting to make him wonder if werewolves didn’t get PMS.

Suddenly, a blue and white blur of movement caught his eye from the doors leading into the Great Hall. Standing there in all his chimeric glory was none other than Zelgadis Greywords. Sirius let out a tiny squeak as he looked his favorite hunk of man-meat over. No, it wasn’t really Zelgadis – he should have realized that, of course – but it was a very convincing costume...right down to the bulge in those white trousers...Sirius wiped the drool from the corner of his mouth. Apparently his birthday had come early this year!

Just as he was readying to run over and glomp on to his Zelgadis, he heard James mutter, "What the hell does Snape think he’s doing? Did we finally manage to push him over the edge?" Sirius blinked at his best friend, then took a closer look at his hunka-hunka burnin’ blue Chimera of Love. Suddenly he felt ill.

Sure enough, it was Severus Snape standing there in the entranceway, covered with fake (at least, Sirius half-hoped they were fake) rock bits and blue skin. He’d somehow charmed his white cape to billow in the wind despite the fact that they were indoors and there was no wind to speak of. As soon as he noticed Sirius looking at him he squealed and hurried over to Gryffindor table with many confused glances following his progress. In a matter of seconds, Sirius found himself with a lap full of very excited fanboy and at a total loss of what to do. Normally if he had Severus Snape squirming in his lap, he’d cop a quick feel and then hex him twelve ways from Sunday, but this...this was different. How could he possibly hex someone that looked so much like his Zelga-bunny? Hell, he’d even managed to make his nose look more human-sized!

It turned out that he didn’t have to figure out what to do with Snape since Remus was towering over and glaring at the both of them with eyes that promised death to the first one to move. In fact, if he looked close enough, Sirius was almost positive he would see flames flickering in those honey orbs...Snape was roughly pulled from his lap then shoved out of the way in the general direction of the Slytherin table. Remus turned back to Sirius, a hurt look crossing his features.

"Lupin, what the hell is your problem?" Snape demanded angrily, rubbing his bruised arm where Remus had grabbed him. Remus slowly turned to face Snape again, his eyes glinting dangerously.

"Keep your slimy hands off of him. He’s mine," he growled, shocking everyone within hearing range, especially Sirius, who looked absolutely dumbstruck.

Snape cocked an eyebrow. "Yours, Lupin? Was he aware of this?" he shot back, nodding his head toward the still speechless Sirius. Remus blushed but didn’t back down.

"If he wasn’t before, he is now, so sod off!" Remus barked, his fists clenched at his sides.

"Why don’t you make me?" Snape drawled, right before Remus punched him hard in the nose. Snape staggered back, clutching his face while blood trickled out between his fingers.

"You...you bazdard!" he shouted just as the teachers finally decided that it was time to step in. Remus could do nothing but stare in shock at his fist while Pomfrey and McGonagall looked Snape over and the rest of the Hall stared in disbelief.

"Moony..." Sirius swallowed hard, then beamed. "...That was incredible!" He jumped up and pulled the startled werewolf to him in a tight embrace. "Forget Zelgadis! All my fics are going to be about you from now on!"

"F...fics?" Remus quietly mumbled, still in a state of shock.

"Hell, yeah!" Sirius exclaimed, then kissed Remus hard. "You’re much sexier than Zelgadis! And the way you just took control like that...Wow! Just...wow, Moony! I didn’t think you had it in you!" He grinned lasciviously. "You know, I just got this great idea for a lemon starring you, me, and a couple of bathtubs full of Nannichuan and Nyannichuan water..."

In the Infirmary, a lone, blue boy laid on his bed, brooding. He resolved that from now on, the only feedback that Sirius Black would be getting from him would be flames – the literal kind.

*~owari~*