Or: Els-chan doesn’t feel like showing everyone her m4d 5k1ll5 in Pre-calculus today, so they can just call on someone else, dammit. She’s not the only genius in the cla...ok, so maybe she is but that’s not the point, and this title is getting waaay too long.

Disclaimer: Don’t own anything. College freshman. No money. Don’t sue.

~*~

Dear Lina Inverse,

Why do you always hurt Gourry? I mean, it seems like you really like him sometimes, but then you beat him up or fireball him or insult him. Don’t you care at all?

Sincerely,

Gourry’s Little Sister.

Sis,

First off, since when does Gourry have a sister? He never mentioned you before! But anyway. Look, when I hit Gourry, it’s only meant in an affectionate way. I’m just trying to knock some sense into that thick skull of his.

Dear Xelloss:

You like Filia, don’t you?

-Someone who’s on to you

Dearest Someone,

Tell me: Would you like a stuck-up, self-absorbed, violent dragon?

~*Xelloss Metallium*~

Dear Amelia.

Why are you so obsessed with Justice?

Luv,

Stone Grrl

Stone Girl,

I’m not obsessed! I simply feel it is extremely important that Justice be spread throughout the world to make it a better place.

Your friend,

Amelia Wil Tesla Seyruun

Dear Xelloss:

Just answer me straight up: Do you like Filia? Yes or no.

-Still On To You

Dearest Still,

Don’t you have something better to do?

~*Xelloss Metallium*~

Dear Filia,

Just how heavy is your mace?

-Curious

Dear Curious,

Honestly, I never got around to weighing it, but according to my friends, it’s very heavy.

Thanks!

Filia Ul Copt

Dear Xelloss:

I notice you keep avoiding answering my question. Could it be because you don’t want to lie and say ‘no’?

-Can’t Fool Me

Dearest Can’t,

Go away.

~*Xelloss Metallium*~

Dear Zelgadis,

Will you marry me?

Love always,

Zelchickie,

Do you have my cure?

-Zelgadis

Dear Lina,

Can you teach me the Dragon Slave?

~Hopeful Sorceress

Hopeful,

You must be insane! I can’t just go around teaching that to anyone!.......How much will you pay me?

Xelloss:

Do you like the dragon girl? Answer me properly or else.

-X

Dearest X,

Or else what?

~*Xelloss Metallium*~

Xelloss:

You clearly want to be eaten, don’t you?

-Xelas

My great and all-powerful mistress,

I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry. I promise I’ll tell you later.

~*Xelloss Metallium*~

Dear Gourry,

-Having Trouble In Math

Trubble,

4. Wy due yoo aske?

Dear Lina,

Why are you so scared of your sister?

-Anonymous

Anonymous,

You’d be scared of your big sister too if she was the Knight of Ceiphied. Do you know what she used to do to me?!

Dear Zelgadis,

I don’t have your cure, but I don’t care how you look! I love you for who you are! Please marry me!

Love always,

Zelchickie,

No. I want my cure.

-Zelgadis

Dear Sylphiel,

Do you really like Valgaav?

~Flowergurl

Dear Flowergurl,

I’m sorry, I’m afraid that I do not know who you are talking about.

Xelloss,

How old are you, really?

Himitsu

Dearest Himitsu,

Old. But don’t I look good for my age?

~*Xelloss Metallium*~

Filia,

Why do you hate Xelloss so much?

Anonymous

Anonymous,

One word: Genocide.

Sincerely,

Filia Ul Copt

Filia,

Why do you call Xelloss Namagomi?

Anonymous

Anonymous,

Because that’s what he is - raw garbage. Plus he’s an evil murderer and he’s annoying and he’s disgusting!

Sincerely,

Filia Ul Copt

Mace-carrying Dragon Woman,

Bitch.

Anonymous

Anonymous,

HOW DARE YOU!!!

Filia Ul Copt

Dragon Wench,

You shouldn’t hate Xelloss so much; he’s a better person than you!

~*X*~

X,

HE IS NOT EVEN A PERSON!

Filia Ul Copt

Dragon Wench,

Neither are you!

~*X*~

X,

Leave me alone!

Filia Ul Copt

Xelloss,

NAMAGOMI!!! STOP SENDING ME THOSE LETTERS!!!

Filia Ul Copt

Dearest Fi-chan,

What letters? I’m sure that I have no idea what you’re talking about. And please refrain from calling me by that name...people might start to think of it as a pet name, and I really don’t want to be wrongly associated with such a violent, uncivilized, stuck-up, self-absorbed, scaly lizard. It just wouldn’t be good for my image.

~*Xelloss Metallium*~

Filia and Xelloss,

QUIT YOUR BICKERING!!! YOU SOUND LIKE AN OLD MARRIED COUPLE! Not to mention you’re wasting valuable space and time!

~Knight of Ceiphied

Luna,

STAY OUT OF THIS!

Filia Ul Copt

Lina’s Sister,

STAY OUT OF THIS!

Lina,

When are you going to come home, settle down, get married, and start a family?

~Luna

Luna,

Lina sed too tell yoo that shie wonts too keep trevileng travileng traveling. (Tanks Zagildos). Than shie ran a way.

Dear Luna Inverse,

How well do you get paid for being the Knight of Ceiphied?

~Out of work

Dear Out of work,

I don’t get paid. That’s why I have to work as a waitress. It kinda bites I guess, but the fringe benefits more than make up for the lack of cash.