This isn't here yet because I forgot that it existed until recently and I can't find it. I know it's around somewhere though. And it involves characters from Kenshin, Fushigi Yugi, GW, and something else that I can't remember immediately. Maybe Outlaw Star? Anyway, I'll post it as soon as I find it.
Oh here it is. It was floating around in hotmail.
The scene opens on the cliched and so loved pink couch and matching heart
accessories. From the mysterious and much sought after "TV" dimension
comes the familiar yet always disembodied voice of "the announcer:"
"Welcome to today's episode of? The Dating Game! And heeeeeerrrrrre's your
host! Duo Maaaaaaxwellllll!"
Duo runs on stage, looking slightly dishevelled and extremely smug. "Hello
everyone! Today's episode is a special hour long program that will feature
two of the most eligible young people of Meiji Era Japan! But first, let's
take a look at how our last contestants did at their trip to the
Intergalactic Playroom! (Sounds kinda kinky, huh?) Here are some film
clips of Vegita and Aisha's romantic getaway.
A screen drops from the ceiling and the audience tilts their heads up
expectantly to see flashing lights dominate the picture. Various noises of
explosion, punctuated by the occasional snide taunt, assaulted the ears of
the inhabitants of the studio who began to cover their heads. Finally,
after what seemed hours, the clip stopped and the screen slid back into the
ceiling. Duo is once again the center of attention. (Strangely he looks
as if he has applied lipstick since the last time the audience saw him and
his shirt collar has come unbuttoned.)
"Well, sure looked frisky, didn't it? And you should have seen them when
they were sparring?"
"Anyway, now it's time to introduce our first bachelor! He's the first of
our two time-travelling guests tonight, coming all the way from 19th
century Tokyo to find himself a date. You may know him better as the man
slaying machine of the Bakumatsu, but he's since given up that line of work
to wander the countryside in search of redemption, lonely females, and
every psychopath bent on revenge that Japan has to offer! His hobbies
include triumphing over evil and doing the laundry! Please welcome Himura
Kenshin!
After a short pause, a short man in a pink kimono with red hair and a
cross-shaped scar on his cheek walks demurely onto the stage. He carefully
sits on one of the loveseats and Duo sits next to him in a red heart shaped
chair.
"Hello, Kenshin! You've dressed for the occasion, I see. You even match
the furniture."
Looking a bit confused, Kenshin nods, "hello?"
"So, you're ready to settle down and find a girl, huh Kenshin?" Duo nudges
him playfully on the arm.
"Oro? Sano told me this was a seminar on western sword techniques."
"Right? So, lets take a look at our contestants, shall we?"
Duo directs Kenshin's attention to a nearby screen where he can see the
three women who have entered the other side of the studio. The first woman
is tall, with long black hair pulled back in three pony tails. She wears a
white kimono and carries a sword shaped object on her back. The second
woman? (are you the biggest Kenshin fan ever? do you know who is? Well
here is your chance to be in a fan fic! Just insert a description of
yourself or the person you know for contestant number 2!). The third woman
is shorter than the other two with reddish brown hair and wears a brown
school uniform.
"Ok, Kenshin. Pick your favorite of these three, based on looks."
"Oro? Okaaay?"
"Great, now it's time for the question and answer round! Lets introduce
our contestants! Bachelorette #1 is a bounty hunter/assassin who spends
her time making money, searching for the galactic lay line, saving the
lives of inept pilots, and making money. Please welcome Twilight Susuka!"
The audience cheers and Bachelorette #1 sits down and begins to calmly
drink a cup of tea.
"Bachelorette # 2 comes from (Kenshin fan, insert your home town here!)
She spends her time saving up to buy manga, making kimonos just like
Kaoru's, and trying to dye her boyfriend's hair red. Please welcome "The
Biggest Kenshin Fan Ever!" TBKFE waves to the audience, blows Kenshin a
kiss, winks, then skips to her seat. The audience cheers. Kenshin looks
mildly frightened and very confused.
"Bachelorette # 3 comes from present day Tokyo. She spends her time
avoiding cram school by falling into books, saving strange kingdoms that
don't exist in this reality, and (I need something else here Erin!) Please
welcome Miaka Yuki!" The audience cheers and Miaka takes her seat.
"Alright, Kenshin, it's time for you to ask the questions you prepared
before the show," Duo indicates the pink note cards sitting next to Kenshin
on the couch.
"But I didn't write any questions?" Kenshin picks up the cards reluctantly
and reads the first one. He suddenly blushes furiously. "Orooooooo?! I
can't say this out loud!" From off stage a voice strangely resembling
Sano's calls out, "C'mon Kenshin, that information could be important."
Duo looks at the card, blinks, and snatches it out of Kenshin's hand to get
a better look. "Hey, we can't say this on TV! The network censors will
have my head!" He throws the card in a pink trash can conveniently placed
next to his chair. "Try another one Kenshin." Kenshin flips through the
stack of cards, throwing about 10 more into the trash can until he finally
finds one that's rated G.
"Um, bachelorette #1, I'm a great swordsman as well as a peace loving
rurouni. I carry a sakabato so that I won't kill those I fight. Do you
carry any weapons, and if so, how do you avoid injuring your opponents?"
Bachelorette #1 carefully puts down her teacup. "I carry a wooden sword."
Kenshin visibly brightens. "Oh! Like a bokken?"
"No. Like this," Susuka pulls out her bad-ass wooden sword that cuts
through anything and cuts the legs off of Miaka's chair. Miaka falls to
the floor with a loud thud. The audience cheers. Miaka blinks. Duo
quickly explains to Kenshin what happened, since he can't see the
bachelorettes.
"But, Bachelorette #1, you could hurt someone with that."
Susuka calmly sits back in her chair and reclaims her teacup. "That's the
idea, red." Kenshin begins to look angered at the senseless violence of it
all.
Duo quickly interrupts. "Whoa there! That was some sword! Thank you
Susuka?Ok, time for the next question. Kenshin?"
Kenshin looks at the second pink card, "bachelorette #2, if you could be
any food, what kind of food would you be?"
TBKFE looks adoringly at Kenshin's side of the stage. "I would be a kind
of food that you like, Ken-san. But not something that you would eat fast.
Something that you could nibble on?and carry the rest of me around in your
pocket while you traveled to Kyoto." She begins to get a dreamy look in her
eyes. "And then you would digest me, and I would be nourishing you in
battle," a thought bubble appears over her head of her feeding grapes to
tiny reclining Kenshin shaped cells in Kenshin's blood stream. "and it
would be like I was part of you. And then you would?"
"Ok!" Duo interrupts. I don't think we want to follow Kenshin's digestive
track any further than that. Next question!"
Kenshin looks relieved and reads the next card. "Bachelorette #3,
occasionally I revert back to my former Hitokiri mentality. My ability to
snap out of this and avoid breaking my oath not to kill anyone may depend
on how well you can call my name in any given situation. Please roll-play
with me momentarily to demonstrate how well you can perform such a task."
Miaka gets a determined look on her face. "I'll try?" The audience waits
with baited breath?
"Kenshin!"
Kenshin looks towards the other side of the stage. "Miaka."
"Kenshin!"
"Miaka."
"Kenshin!"
"Miaka."
"Tamaho?Kenshin!"
Kenshin pauses. His eyes begin to turn amber.
"Wait! I'm sorry Kenshin! Please give me another chance!" Kenshin does
not respond but looks up dangerously from under his bangs.
"Ken?shin?"
Kenshin immediately turns back to normal and looks around in a ditzy sort
of way. Duo looks relieved. "Great! Now it's time for the final question
for all three contestants."
Kenshin looks down at the next card. "What is your biggest fear and your
greatest achievement?"
Susuka looks thoughtful. "Fear? Well I suppose the closest thing to fear
I've ever felt would have occurred when Hotorega took on my appearance,
that was a little creepy," (she eyes TBKFE who is currently attempting to
perfectly match Kaoru's hairstyle to go with the replica of Kaoru's
favorite Kimono that she has donned). "And my greatest accomplishment
would be the creation of blank to kill him."
TBKFE stops in her primping activities to answer the question. "Well,
Ken-san, my greatest fear is that you won't love me. And my greatest
accomplishment occurred last summer, when I was forced to spend a week on a
family camping trip with no Kenshin movies or fan fics. I survived to
write more fics though!"
Miaka (sitting in a new chair which a handy security guard brought out for
her) answers without hesitation, "My greatest fear was not getting into the
high school that I wanted and my greatest accomplishment was managing to go
to the high school I wanted without a major family catastrophe... Oh, and
I'm the priestess of Suzaku," she waves her hand dismissively.
Kenshin looks alternately angered, frightened, and mildly confused by these
responses.
Duo eagerly catches the attention of the camera to hurry the break.
"Ok. Now it's time for the requisite commercial break. When we come back,
we'll see who's the lucky girl to catch a Rurouni!"
*******Please stop and spend the next three minutes visualizing "Behold the
power of cheese!" commercials.*******
The announcer's voice drifts over the clapping audience. "And weeeeeeee're
back! It's time for the final dating decision of Himura Kenshin! And
here's you're host, Duo Maxwell!"
The audience cheers?then quiets?then murmurs to each other. Kenshin sits
by himself on the stage and blinks at the place where Duo should be
standing. The camera pans the studio obviously trying to find the host.
Eventually the camera man walks back stage and after poking around for a
few minutes eventually finds Duo wrapped in the arms of an unidentified
young woman behind some set pieces. A few seconds later Duo looks up,
notices the camera, and dashes off to the stage.
Kenshin looks quizzically at Duo as he sits back in his pink chair. "Who
was that?"
"Oh. Well, The Biggest Kenshin Fan Ever brought one of her friends
along?Anyway," he smiles at the audience, "now it's time to find out what
decision Kenshin has made! But first, lets see where they'll be going on
their date! Kamatari?"
The scene cuts to Kamatari, sitting in a large, bubbling whirlpool wearing
a sparkly bikini. "Kenshin and his date will be visiting the Intergalactic
Spa, home of the universally renowned hot springs as well as excellent
swimming and other water facilities. The scene cuts to a dimly lit, well
furnished dining room filled with diners in formal clothing where Kamatari
stands in a sleek black evening gown. "While here they will also enjoy
gourmet cuisine, spacious and luxurious living quarters, a state of the art
work out facility, and access to the best masseurs the solar system has to
offer." At this last comment, Kamatari giggles knowingly and winks.
The scene cuts back to the studio. "Sounds fun! Let's hope you get to go
there Kenshin. If you choose the same person from the looks category that
you do the personality category it's the spa for you! Otherwise, you'll
have a nice dinner with the bachelorette you chose for personality. So,
who did you think looked the best?" Duo looks expectantly at Kenshin.
"Well, I thought the short one with red hair looked the best. She reminds
me of Kaoru dono?" (We won't try to figure out why?)
"And who did you choose for personality?"
"I chose #3, Miaka, because she was the least scary."
"Guess what, Kenshin? Miaka is the same girl you picked for the first
category! You're off to the Intergalactic Spa!" The audience applauds and
cheers raucously as Miaka walks over to Kenshin's side of the stage. She
shyly takes his hand and an assistant ushers them off.
"Aren't they cute? We'll be back after this commercial break to meet
the next single looking for love!"