With just a glimpse of his boyish face, your knees
turn to jelly, your palms begin to sweat, your heart
leaps into your throat, your tongue turns to mush and
you can barely manage to string together two
syllables, let alone two words- and even those sound
like a moronic "duh-uh."
No matter your age or professional background, you
find yourself, without warning, being both propelled
back in time and reduced to a sniffling, stuttering,
star-struck pre-teen who is already doodling wedding
plans on a napkin and, sadly, practicing how you will
sign your name as 'The Future Mrs. Flanery.'
Ah, yes. A typical Hollywood romance has just
blossomed. Staring into the face of your beloved, you
know that nothing will ever stand between you and this
Adonis... um, well, nothing except for a rather large
movie screen... and almost an entire country if you
happen to live in, oh, say, South Carolina and he
currently resides in California... oh, and lets not
forget the fact that he doesn't even have a clue that
I - er, you, excuse me - that YOU exist.
Your hands fly to your face in sheer terror. "WHAT'S
HAPPENING TO ME?" you scream in desperation.
(Note to reader: If you find that your wild shrieks of horror
seem slightly muffled, first try removing the pillow
you've been sobbing into at least a few inches from
your face. You'll notice a remarkable difference. If
that does not produce the desired affect, I recommend
locking yourself in a bathroom during these full-blown
bouts of hysteria. Restrooms have excellent acoustics.)
So, what exactly IS happening to you? The answer is
really quite simple: you, my dear sister, have just
become a victim of Sean Patrick Flanery Addiction,
commonly referred to as SPFA. (Consult your phone book
for information on SPFA Anonymous meetings in your
area. Or, better yet, try calling your local
television station or newspaper for more information
on support groups. They get a kick out of those kinds
of requests!) While there is presently no cure for the
syndrome, Dr. Ruth (or was that Dr. Seuss?) assures me
that the symptoms can be reduced and even controlled
over time.
Completely for the sake of research (mmm hmmm, yeah,
whatever), I consulted with well-known Sean-ology
expert Dr. Yoo R. Nutz, who suggested that one of the
most effective ways to come to terms with my- um,
YOUR- addiction, is to face it head-on. Dr. Nutz
recommends gathering as much information as possible
on the source of your addiction, in this case Mr.
Flanery. And because information on our dear Sean
Patrick Flanery is so obscure and relatively
non-existant, we've decided to co-author a new
Sean-search-friendly manual entitled 'SPF For
Dummies.' Hopefully snippets from this publication
will be available in next month's SPF newsletter, but
before we can begin work on this valuable guide, we
need your help! Here is where you come in, dear reader
and fellow Sean addict:
� Do you know of any outstanding SPF sites on the web?
� Have you read any outstanding interviews with SPF?
� Have you stumbled across reviews of SPF's movies?
� Do you know where SPF merchandise can be bought?
� Do you know of any internet sites related to Sean's own personal interests?
� Have you ever written to Sean? Can you suggest the best way to compose a fan letter?
� What are your favorite SPF movies or quotes?
If you can help answer these questions, or if you can
offer any other Sean-related tidbits, please email me
at [email protected] .
While most of this article was
an April Fools day joke, the 'SPF For Dummies' is NOT!
Your insightful comments could make it into next
month's newsletter! So, please, tell your friends and
get those comments in!!! We need you to make next
month's 'SPF For Dummies' a success! Hope to read your
comments in May's newsletter! Happy Sean-hunting!
