The battle plans were drawn up, and a quick look at our military might suggests that this should be a quick and easy war. Our total men in arms numbers 404,000 infantry, 257,000 cavalry, and 1011 guns, though only a fraction is stationed on the Chinese border. I have built a fleet of 334 warships ov which around 60 dock in the far east. The plan is as usualy the division between field and siege armies. This time, I have Marlborough assigned to a siege unit, a second siege unit, and two field armies of about 35,000 men each. That should be ample force, as despite my Makisrovka I haven't seen a Chinese army unit within range of our spies.

 

I order an amphibious transport to the island of Hainan, while Marlborough moves to siege the rocky Yunnan province on our borders. After the navy drops off the siege unit they return to pick up a field army and drop them behind enemy lines in Kiansi, that force should draw the Chinese away from Marlborough's siege, and if they storm a province we can open up a second front, as the lines of advance from Hanoi mean that we can only attack one province at a time. On February 26th the bastard Scots declare war. They are apparantly still holding a grudge from the way we dealt with their Stuarts, and their rebuilt army of close to 100,000 savages crosses the border heading to the marches. I am a century removed from ever fearing the Scots as I have our Northern provinces linked by the most intricate series of fortifications in Europe. I don't bother to send my northern army to chase them out, let the heathen starve a little first.

 

At the news of Scotland's assault a wave of patriotism sweeps the nation, and men are flocking to the conscription centers all over England. I take this time to raise some huge armies in case other European nations look upon our Imperial ambitions and decide to attack. In March our fleet brushes aside a larger Chinese force and sink 40 of their ships while the army disembarks at Kiangsi. I order an assualt of the province, but the attack fails. By May 10 the Scots have seen the error of their ways and offer a white peace. I send Minister Dalglish home with the news that I will not rest until every province in his pitiful nation mourns the death of their fathers, sons and husbands, I want my Culloden.

 

One June 6th the island of Hainan falls, and Marlborough is nearly done with Yunnan. The field army in Hanoi is chomping at the bit to get to the interior of China, the plains there should be an excellent surface for our cavalry to play in. At home, the nations papers are full of patriotic fever. There are false reports of China being on the verge of surrender, the aura of our armies' invicivility forcing the Emperor to abdicate and other such nonsense. The Old Pretender, son of James II has joined the Scots in the Marches, he's whipped up the war into a cause for restoration. Hopefully he'll travel to the Marches where my last reports inform me that the only food left are the legs of dead Seargeants.

 

I transport my amphibious siege force from Yiangsi to Yalu. I want the Chinese to be spread out by our three advances, and try to stop them concentrating their forces. On July 1, our army in Kiangsi is met with disaster. Still recovering from their failed assault, a Chinese army of 30,000 cavalry and 5,000 infantry attacks. The army flees, but the costs of pursuit, and being out of supply has reduced that army to only 9,000 men fit for duty. After supervising the landings in Yalu, me fleet turns to try and extracate those poor souls in Hejiang, however, I am met with twin disasters. My fleet is wiped out, completely, just like that, gone, Kaput, and the men in Hejiang are assaulted and lose another battle. I am shocked that rather than take prisoners, the Chinese had the survivors executed, and the heads sent to Marlborough in Yannan.

 

I surpress the news of this trouble from The Times and hastily do what I should have done 6 months earlier, send the regiments from home to help in the conflict. Despite raising Burmese, and Indo-Chinese replacements, they have to march half way across Asia to get to the frontlines, and I calculate that the losses on those marches are greater than the number of men who reach the army.

 

I embark 100,000 men in London, and send the entire fleet, 270 ships-of-the-line around the world. With the stop offs to resupply in Africa and India it will take many months to reach China, but I am under no delusion that the war will be over by the time they arrive. Yannan finaly falls, and I have hope that we will soon be in the open plains. I send Marlborough to siege Gung Dong the field army to Hunan. The river crossing, and long march takes it's toll on the field army, and they fail in their attempt to storm the city. In December, Marorough reaches Gung Dong, and I estimate that the war will last 10 years if I can't do something to speed up the progress. Winter sets in, and my army in Yalu is freezing to death, the plight of the marines at Chosin 250 years later is brought home to me when I receive the updated butchers bill from the Colonel Keegan.

 

As 1714 dawns I have a doubt that we can win this war. Marborough's 200 guns are working far slower than I had anticipated  in the siege of Gung Dong, and though the Yalu force holds off counter attacks by the Chinese army, I am disturbed by reports from the front. Unlike the European, the Chinese never retreat. They fight to the last man, and this takes a horrific toll, even when they have only small forces. Despite the constant stream of reserves to my armies across the Vietnam border, the winter is ravaging my forces. I think on what Napoleon faced in Russia, and can't help but look at this campaign as a mirror. Our army is far from home, facing a fanatical foe, and slowly freezing to death. I consider making peace and just asking for the border provinces, but if the fighting qualities of the Chinese is reflected in their diplomats then I will get nothing. Moreover, a loss of face in China may prompt our neighbours in Europe to test us, and I know that I can't protect the Empire from naval blockade and the disruption to trade. By mistake I sent the wrong messanger to Scotland and accepted their last offer of a white peace, I will have to pick another time to turn the highlands red.

 

Something must be done in the East, my tactics are not working, so I decide to try something new. I detach Marlborough and give him command of the mobile force, while the siege unit continues in Gung Dong. Marlborough is ordered to assault the city on Yunnan and take it at all costs. On the 25th January, despite the heavy snowfall Hunnan falls, and we at last have a path to central China. The garrison once again fought to the last man, the commanding officer refusing to surrender, even when down to a handful of troops. I order Marlborough to Kiangsi, the site of our crushing defeat, and a new siege unit to Fukien. On March 4th Yalu falls, and my brave survivors are ordered to siege Kjongju. There is no where for them to go but forward, until my fleet can extract them. The Vietnamese replacements have an even longer march to the front line now, and this war is horrendously costly to human life. On February 14th Marlborough storms the gates of Kiangsi, and the garrison falls, again to the death. What is wrong with the Chinese? Can they not accept the path of righteous change? We go there not only for the richness of the land, but to civilize the barbarian nation with our western ideals and advanced culture. Our government has been a steadying influence in Europe and the colonies, why should China resist our aid?

 

On April 8th Marlborough assaults Heijiang and takes the city, we have stumbled on the right formula for war out here. The provinces are not sufficient for a siege force of any decent size to be able to survive. Though Gung Dong falls after 6 months, I realize the foolishness of my army's composition. I should never have taken heavy artillery into China. I should have a cavalry screen to hold off the Chinese army, and large infantry forces to storm their cities. I will rectify the mistake when the 100,000 men of the home regiments arrive. On April 25th the starving men of Keegan's siege command reaches Kjongju. Their march was slowed by constant suicide attacks by small Chinese detachments. By the time they arrive, there are only 70 guns and 6,000 men left from the proud army of 30,000 that boarded ships in Hanoi. Keegan informs me that human flesh tastes just like chicken, and far better than the rat soup which sustained them in Chosin.

 

The only options for Marlborough are to sit and rest, waiting for reinforcements that are 6 months march behind the lines, set siege and starve to death, or advance and storm the next city. I order the latter, his force arrives and takes Hangzouh on April 18th. His dwindling numbers have performed heroicly against the Chinese cities, and I am reminded of Norfolk's last assault of Cherbourg so many years ago. There, the starving men of our army, outnumbered, and about to be cut to pieces by the French and Papal armies performed a miricle and took the city. I order the creation of the Normandy Cross, the highest decoration for valor, and award Marlborough's entire force the honor of receiving the thanks of a grateful nation. While it's no replacement for a decent meal, this is the kind of gesture that should keep the men's spirits high for the hardships ahead.

 

The Southern siege force heads for Hubei, while Marlborough, his force too small even for his tactical genius is ordered to remain in Hangzouh. Our logistical problems are improving, and the steady stream of wagons that cross the Pearl River are keeping his army fed, and slowly increasing strength. I have been directing operationd from my headquarters in Hanoi, and receive joyess news on June 20th, the Home fleet has arrived, and we will have two more field armies to speed up the conquest. The armies disembark Liaotung in the North, and I finally have another path of advance when that city falls. The warships in the harbor ensure supply, so I break up that force into 2, and decide to leave the guns stationed in the city. I see the worthlessness of sieges, this war will be won by the siege ladders, and the bravery of our men climbing the dead to assault the Chinese strongholds.

 

The war becomes a series of manouvers and assaults, and gradually, we gain control of province after province. The Chinese field army engages Marlborough on the plains of Chansi on October 16th. The Duke, whose resolve reminds me of Wellington holds the field in the face of 30,000 Chinese cavalrymen who fought to the last man. The news from home reaches me that Anne has died, yet another childless monarch. I hope that we can reinstitute the Commenwealth period of an appointed Lord Protector, but alas, the men who sent William back to Orange because he was not English find our next King in Germany. George, Elector of Hannover, who speaks no English, and has no desire to leave his province is coronated King on August 3rd. Wunderbar, I will get someone here to compile an English to German dictionary with some choice phrases for when I return home.

 

War continues until January 27th 1716, three years after we set out on this epic campaign, and on that date we annex China. I decide on the fate of the Emperor, the living God, ruler of the middle kingdom between heaven and earth, and the man who so casually ordered his men to fight to the death. I decide to demonstrate to our new subjects the mortality of all men, and he is beheaded on the gates of the Forbidden City on March 1st 1716. I am struck by the opulance of the Imperial Palace, it's the size of a European city, and lavishly decorated. The riches of China have been squandered on the Emperor, while his people toil in poverty, his did not even bother to defend them. My harshness continues, I want no revolts, or claims to the throne out here. I have all male members of the Royal family who are of age executed, and I exile the women and children to the wastelands of Siberia.

 

I decide to stay in China to supervise the fortification of the country, and the promotion of English officials to adminster our new lands. Marlborough returns to England, where he is paraded through Marble Arch to the nationalist crowds at home. The stories of his heroism will last for generations. As promised, a stream of subsidies pour in to Kleves, Palatine and Holland, fruits of our unassailable wealth. We have good neighbours our here in the Far East. The Dutch have colonized much of the East Indies, and we have a continuous chain of cities from Siberia to the Mysore and Mughal Empires.

 

It's during my time in China, wearing the comfortable silks that provide relief from the woolen clothes and wigs in favor in the homeland that I am struck by the irony of our conquest. We came here as a force of civilization, to educate and adminsiter the hapless easterners and their backward rulers. As I tavel though cities that dwarf any settlement in Europe, and see the arts, inventions and culture we have absorbed into the Empire I note, that the reverse is true. The culture and learning of this Empire will educate us, we have finally have the benefits of hygene, building, clothing and art that makes my rulers, and their barbarian cousins in Europe a mockery. We have dismantled a peaceful, and advanced civilization which is far more cultural than our own, in all but the bloodthirsty desire for war and conquest. This land is best described as how Europe may look had the Roman Empire survived. It's wealth and power are only matched by the corruption and stagnation that allowed my barbarian army to conquer it so easily, and I spend many troubled months in China reconciling my actions.

 

I journey home, and the tranquil eastern philosopy begins to abate, I arrive in London to the news that Marlborough is dead, and Europe still at peace. Before China, we were the richest and most powerful nation on earth, we have now aquired a nation whose wealth was a match for us, and the treasury and manpower I have at my disposal are endless. I begin to make plans for the conquest of Europe, to reinstate the Roman Empire, East and West with England as it's ruler. To eradicate the scourge of Spain, Poland and the Turks, I have the power and the money to achieve anything now. As I convene my commitee and begin the process of levying troops I am struck by the needlessness of further conflict. I am responsible for an estimated 300,000 redcoats who will never make the return voyage from China, and while those men are numbers on a ledger in the government office of newly paved Whitehall, each one leaves a family to grieve for their fallen hero of the Empire. National pride probably recedes in a household where starvation is a probability now that their breadwinner is dead. If I attack Europe, how many more will die, and how many of the European troops will fight to the end to slow our conquest? I find myself face to face with the realities that must have faced Napoleon. Power and conquest have become a narcotic, and the means to continue that liquor are at hand. I decide to pay heed to history and the fate that befell Boneparte and shelve my plans for further war. Our treasury will be spent on industry, the arts, on improving the life of the peasants whose backs have carried us to power, and in the goal to preventing further conflicts in Europe. Colonists will be sent to the interior of America, and perhaps if I ship enough of our wealth around Europe the princes will realize the benefits of peace and mercantile expansion.

 

As I receive my laurels from the King and the country I begin to wonder where we will be taken next on this voyage. I started out just trying to survive, and not change history. In the prescence of His Brittanic Majesty, King of England, Ireland and France, George I, Emperor of The Angevins, Emperor of India, Emperor of China and Defender of The Faith I wonder how long I will be able to excersise restraint, and what the real world will look like should I ever find a way to get back there.

 

Our nation begins another cycle of peace, and the ridiculous amounts of cash at my disposal is used to secure China, after adminsitration and fortification efforts there I inverst in industry, and culture. In each province not disposed to our current manufactring plants I bestow an endowment to the arts. Centers to preserve Chinese culture and science, libraries with the finest western books, and the conversion of the Forbidden City into a museum. George arrives in England for a rare visit, and we are hit by a political scandal. Apparantly, the King's behaviour with the Royal Daschunds has made the press, and I have to divert funds to silence the tittering.

 

We begin an inwards drive in the US, I target all lands East of the Missisipi, with the exception of Illinois to block French expansion from the Lakes, old habits die hard. Poland renews their long series of war with Turkey, bringing Pskov and Russia into a Christian alliance. I continue to finance the drinking habits of almost all European monarchies, and this seems to be enough to keep the peace on the continent. In 1727 George dies, and his son, George II takes over. Again, the King speaks no English, which is a benefit to Parliamentary relations. After his coronation, George states "Ick bein eine Hanoverier" and takes the next boat home. The ship of state sails smoothly with no monarchial interference.

 

In 1728 Russia takes Crimea from Georgia, and the Eastern War fragments. Peace is eventually resolved in 1730 when Poland lightens the Ottoman Empire by the sum of Azow and Bujak. I have continued to keep relations with Austria strong, in the hope that our oldest allies will be free of their burden to the Spanish block. Unfortunately, Spain continues a on and off war against the Incas, and that's enough to keep their allies together. It's cheaper for them to declare war than send diplomats off to renew treaties. I travel to Vienna in 1730 to observe the latest Austrian war against Bohemia. Our technological edge on the battlefield has long since disappeared, as nations large and small have developed the tactics which Cromwell was able to waltz through Europe with a hundred years ago. The Bohemians have the strongest fortresses technology has developed and it takes Austria four years to reduce three provinces before annexing the Kingdom of Bohemia in 1734. The Austrian Empire has emerged as one of the great European powers over the period. Their early inheritance of Hungary, and the lack of action in Europe by the Ottomans, and later their strong alliance with England and Holland have made them a force in keeping the Poles as far east as possible.

 

George II dies suddenly while hunting in 1732, and our hastily created regency suffers political problems resulting in a lessening of our diplomatic power. When Ticonderoga's fortress is complete, and a manufactury in working order, I call a halt to government sponsored expansion. We have French neighbours who are settling the mid west, and I see no point in friction between our nations in a race to the West. Our Empire is so large that adminstration and defense would be impossible should we expand further.

 

With that, I take a step back from government for the next several years. It has taken 18 hour days for 250 years to orchistrate our steps to greatness, and I decide to enjoy the fruits of my labor and the rewards of a grateful nation. I understand now why Alexander the Great wept when he conquered India, there was nothing left for him to do. I find consolation in the wealth and lack of the restrictive laws of the 20th century regarding personal enjoyment, and spend the next twelve years indulging in the pleasures that only substances from the Americas and Indies can provide.

 

In 1757 I am dragged back from my tour of Europe by the news that Venice has declared war in Holland. After a spell in rehab I am ready to again resume the office of Chancellor, and begin to examine the situation. France, the Mameluks, Portugal, Sweden and Denmark face our alliance of Hanover, Palatine, Holland and England. We have not fought a continental war in 100 years, and I wonder how we will fare. My first ordinance is to split the navy, and send them to the waters of our Empire to prevent a blockade, In Europe, we will fight as much as possible to protect our allies, and perhaps attack the French in America. I think of the lines of infantry shooting at each other within spitting range and wonder, what will it be like.

 

Almost as soon as my orders are dispatched The Mughal Empire declares war on us. Unlike the last time, I have no fear of that nation, as every province is fortified, and I have a standing army of 75,000 men. Hannover and Kleves show now stomach for war, making a white peace with our foes immediately. I order a colonial army to storm Kentuky, and when it fails I am faced with the realization that we are no longer invincible. I hastily order guns to be cast in the colonies as we may be in for protracted sieges, and my colonial cavalry and infantry are no match for the fortification levels out there.

 

In April we begin the siege of Paris, there is little chance of us getting at Venice, so I decide to attack their partners. The day my guns begin tearing at the fortress we have more bad news. Scotland has declared war. They are oart if the Austrian, and Spanish, and a whole array of German states, but only Spain and Algiers honor the alliance, a product of the friendly nature of our German relations. I am relived that the nightmare of facing our old friends Austria will not occur. I ask them back into the alliance, but they politely decline. Privately, I am told that our actions in China have worried the courts of Europe, and the probability of extended war restrains Austria from rejoining. I send them money instead, and they soon ally with Burgundy and Provence. After entering one of our impregnable provinces the Mughals ask for peace, I agree as I have more pressing matters in Europe and America to attend to. This is the first truely world war, as we are no longer alone in America, and I am shocked when the Portugese invade Kutch, they are driven off, and I pursue to Indus.

 

The American colonies are in chaos, as Dutch, Swedes, Spanish, French and English troops wander into each other and spark off numerous skirmishes. Our colonies are to well protected to fall, but I want the war fought on foreign soil, so I advance on all fronts hoping to distract our enemies. The Scots enter the Marches on June 2nd for a futile siege. They can't sustain a force big enough to reduce the fortress there, and they destroy their own army without us firing a shot.

 

I move siege forces to Bearn and Languedoc, and the news there shocks me. I have no chance of ever reducing those fortresses with the 150 gun, 10,000 infantry system which has worked for years. I regret not destroying Spain in the last century when we were so far ahead in battle. I withdraw my forces from Spanish territory and embark on a massive artillery construction. This requires the abandonment of every gun in China, as we are growing short of manpower. Fleet battles rage all over the globe, mostly small affairs either blockading or breaking blockades, but the sound of naval guns bellows for almost the entire year.

 

On September 9th I order a 20,000 man force to be sent to Venice to aid the dutch hold Milan. They will have to run the gaunlet of sea battles and pass into the mediterranean, but I have to help the Dutch keep their outpost. My field army is routed in Lyonnaise, and I realize that Howe is an awful general. I reorganize and have Wolfe ready to lead a counter attack. The Spaniards educate us in the art of new warfare, they bring 300 guns and 80,000 infantry to begin the siege of Lyons.

 

The Netherlands makes peace with France picking up Iowa, however on December 10th that foe is replaced by the Burgundian alliance who declare war on England. Our losses in the field have prompted Europe to rise up and dent our power, I feel like Napoleon.

 

At year's end I send the newly transferred Howe to deal with the remnants of the Scots army in the Marches, and he dispatches them in short order. We pursue, and I hope to have the Scots begging for mercy for the error of their ways. After Palatine destroys the Burgundy army they agree to a white peace, we're back to just fighting 9 countries. The Dutch are unable to do anything about Venice, and though I get a flood of peace offers, I stand firm with our friends. IN February 1758 we destroy the Scots in a battle and slaughter they will bewail in folk tales for generations. I finally got to do Culloden, taking out 200 years of frustration on our neighbours. Every Scot in uniform is butchered, and quite a few civilians along the way. We assault Lothian, and as Howe moves north, he burns the Scots capital to the ground.

 

For some reason this ticks off the French who decide on yet another bash at us, but with an unstable government, civil war breaks out and they sue for peace immediately. My Italian adventure begins well enough with a victory at Romangne. The Venetians are behind in technology, so we move to Emilia and assault it. By September I have amassed 500 guns and send them to reduce the fortress in Languedoc. Wolfe makes up for our previous defeats by scalping 30,000 Spaniards at Lyonnaise, they lose most of their guns on the retreat. Wolfe pursues and once again, we have destroyed the enemy's field army. The war with Spain will move to the siege phase, and I intend to get something from them. If we are going to be pariahs in Europe, then we had better weaken our enemies.

 

On September 11th our force in Emilia is joined by the Dutch and we move on to Romagne, but only 3000 infantry remain in my force, and I decide to withdraw them, and embark them on the long trip home. As we enter 1759 I embark the largest siege force ever assembled, over 900 guns and prepare them for a trip to Spain. The Spaniards have been lucky, they have never faced battle on their own side. I have decided that we need a staging post for future Mediterranean operations and decide that Spain's reparations will be Andalusia when the war is fought to a successful conclusion.

 

Howe continues his terror in Scotland by destroying the fortress in Grampian, and burning crops, homes, and towns. I intend to give Scotland the Sherman treatment so there is no possibility of a repeat performance. We unload our force at Andalusia, I am going to lose a lot of men there, but I have to force Spain into a humiliating peace. In June, Languedoc falls, and I move on to Rousillon. Over the course of the war, the Spanish have thrown every ship they possess at us at every opportunity, but the briliance of Amherst has destroyed every fleet. We started the war with a disadvantage in numbers, but we have crippled the Spanish on the seas. This is fortunate as I have to funnel a constant stream of infantry reserve into Andalusia. On October 27th Rousillon falls, and George II dies. Although I could not attend his son's coronation, George does apparantly speak English, though all he said during the festivities was "wibble" a sign of the madness that is to come. Fortunately for all, Harvey is running the country back home, and for the first time in many years I have the ability to ship cash to our allies on a frequent basis. On November 27th the Dutch decide that we should not have all the fun in Spain alone, and they declare war, dragging our allies along for the ride. By the time Andalusia falls in December, Howe has finished the rape of Scotland having cut a swathe through their land for the last year. We have every province in our possession and I have a decision to make, do I annex the bastards?

 

On January 1st 1761 the Treaty of Aix-La-Chapelle puts an end to our series of wars. The Netherlands finally makes a white peace with Venice, and we prise Andalusia and 2000 pesos from Spain. I decide against the resentment we will generate by extinguishing the Scottish flame and demand 2000 guineas, but we only see 87 of that money. We are finally back at peace, and shipping money around the continent as fast as we can. I am horrified at the size armies need to be to retain effectivess, it's going to take 100,000s of redcoats to force peace in Europe next time, as I read over the treaty knowing that this is just a cease fire and more fireworks are around the corner.

 

The sequences of seperate peaces, and new declarations of war keep Europe in flames for many years. My dreams of being the great moderator of Europe have failed, it would appear that every monarch wants to test those shiny new muskets they copied from us. The Netherlands ceedes Romagne to Naples, and land troops in Scotland. Unfortunately for the Dutch, while the Scots cannot afford an army, their provinces are still ruined and the Dutch slowly starve to death before they can even dent the northern fortresses. My allies war continues for another 4 years with no action, but no sign of peace. Denmark and their peculiar allies Algiers declare war in Sweden, and the next day Anjou declares war on their former allies Poland. Portugal, Venice and Burgundy join the French, and it would appear that Poland's lust for land has incurred the wrath of Europe. Our friends Austria declare war just a week later on the Poles. The battle reports and troop movements arounf Europe are greater than anything I have ever seen before, and before the end of the year ANjou declares war on the Spanish alliance of Spain, Scotland, Savoy and Naples. To add to the conclusion, and presumably not to be left out of all this fun, Venice declares war on Austria.

 

By 1767 the madness in Europe shows no sign of abating, just about everyone but us is at war. We send as much aid as my diplomats can carry to Austria, but our position is unbalanced by our allies, as Hanover declares war on Austria. The Earl of Schumacher arrives at my residence early asking for our help in the war. My allies Holland, Palatine and Kleves have all agreed to the war, and as leaders of the alliance we are expected to honor our agreement. I am torn, and tell Schumacher that he will have my answer by the end of the day. What should I do, I must help our allies, but Austria are my sentemental friends. We owe our position in Europe to the Habsburgs, and they dropped out of two powerful alliances which may have saved them the fate they suffer now, to avoid declaring war on us. I curse the Emperor's stuborness as not rejoining us with all the requests I sent. I spend an uncomfortable day in thought, I get no help from the other members of cabinet, their nationalist pride in our nation is so inflated they can't understand why we don't conquer Europe. The Times reports that it is a scientific fact that Englishmen's brains are larger than their continental cousins. I have to sit in the middle of all this garbage and be the force of reason.

 

I pay a visit to the Austrian ambassador and explain my position. He's a worried man, all Europe has turned on him as although the Emperor sought the promises of Europe for his daughter Maria Theresa the princes have rejected that succession and are intent on carving up the empire. I regretfuly inform him that our two countries are now at war. The look on his face changes a few seconds later when I present our peace proposal of a return to prewar positions, and the Ten Second War Of Austrian Succession is over. I promise the ambassador that we will continue to aid his efforts against the Poles, but that our alliance partners should not be informed of these payments. I know our allies will be angry, but I prepare some care packages stuffed with gold to keep them quite.

 

Hearing of our entry to the war, but not our peace, Fredrick Willhelm, the Elector of Brandenburg, and my nominal vassal declares war on Austria. This is all very disturbing as it would appear that any restraint Europe used to have disasppeared when they discovred the benefits of platoon firing. Austria is being pounded from all directions, they cannot cope with a three front war. When Spain declares war on Austria on January 1st 1770 I can tolerate it no more. I can't directly help Austria, but I will ensure that Spain can't bother them. I deliver my declaration of war to the pale faced Cardinal Camacho, and ensure him that I intend to destroy his country until he makes peace with Austria. I make white peace with all Spains allies but Scotland. It's nasty work doing ones duty, but occasionaly it can be fun.

 

Austria meanwhile cedes Silesia to the ever growing Polish Empire, but the country is still under pressure from the North German states all busy looting and sieging. In Scotland, we assault and capture Lothian and the Highlands again, I 'll make them sweat a while for a peace settlement. In Southern France we begin the siege of Rousillon and Bearn. My intention is to have the Spaniards try to throw us out, and not have the resources to attack Austria as well. On January 1st 1771 I demand 1500 crowns from Scotland, and am shocked when we recive 1000. They must have just taken a loan. Excellent, I have now reclaimed all the money I threw at those bastards in the 1490's. I send 1200 guns to Dauphine , it hardly seems like yesterday that 100 guns was considered a large siege force. There are no mobile battles, the Spanish try sending small units to relieve the sieges but it's futile. War has changed from the mobile battles and reliance on cavalry, to a system of sieges and a test of which country starves to death first. The Spanish have not sufficiently rebuilt their fleet, so while my ports are safe, I blockade all Spain. The army of Andalusia does not move, all they can achieve in this war is to die in the Spanish mountains. I hope that I never have to make war in Spain itself as those provinces cannot support the armies required to take them.

 

By 1773 the inevitable happens and I make peace with the Spanish, shortly after they return to the status quo with Austria. I annex Dauphine and Languedoc as their punishment. The Austrian Empire is crumbling before my eyes, they give 250 marks and Hesse to the resurgent Hanoverians. Brandenburg takes Sudeten and Erz. All the hard fought gains of the last century have vanished, and Austria is weak nation, despised by all Europe but oueselves.

 

In 1775 Poland renews the war with Austria, and no amount of money I send appears to help. The nordic war ends with Sweden taking Narvik, Denmark is reduced to a couple of provinces. Poland is soundly beaten by Austria, who appear capable of defending themselves when they only face a war on one front, they regain Salzburg and another 250marks. The burdgeoning Turkish Empire is beset by civil war, at least that will protect the Austrians from the South for a few years. I decide to raise some more forces in England. The next time Poland goes to war I will intervene by attacking their Baltic provinces. We have had no diplomatic contact with the Poles since their early alliance with France, but I intend to sting them for their betrayl of the Emperor's succession promise.

 

By 1779 I am ready to strike at Poland, my plans are delayed however by the madness of King George. In his position as Elector of Hanover he apparantly feels the need to drag us into a war with Austria whenever his medication runs low. So in may I make another apologetic trip to Earl Von Pohl, and tell him that we are again at war. Our war lasts 10 seconds longer than the last one, as it takes the ambassador a little longer to get his offer of white peace on the table. I sign immediately and pass him a purse of gold. All in all, I'd say we fought a good fight. Portugal goes to war with Spain, dragging France, Venice, Burgundy, Sweden and The Knights along for the ride. There seems no abatement in the number of wars which break out. It must have something to do with the larger and larger governments each country employs, back in the good old days, war was more of a personal issue for the King and his handful of councillors. Now any jumped up middle class tyke can rise to power and influence their nation. I do find this thought strange, I previously had no love for monarchies and nobles, but being Duke of half France for a couple of hundred years can play havoc with your social views.

 

The Hanoverian army sieges Thuringen, and I hope those walls are strong. I play a delicate balance of propping up the Austrian war effort in secret, while at the same time giving money to our allies. I can only explain Europe's dismantling of the Habsburg Empire and not ours by the healthy relations we maintian with every country but Spain and Anjou. At the Treaty of Brest Litovsk the Hanseatic League in a miricle win regains both Eastern and Western Pommerania from Poland in "The Great War We Must Have Missed." Being so preoccupied with Austria I never knew those countries were fighting. I send a bucket of schapps to each member of the Hansetag with a Hallmark "Congratulations On Winning Your War" bear-gram. Despite the lack of dubious holidays, the card manufacturers are able to make a modest profit with their innovative card lines.

 

In 1780 I make the last of our preparations for war, as both Amherst and Tarelton are recalled from India and placed at the head of the largest armies I have ever combined. Each army has 120,000 infantry, 5,000 cavalry and 400 pieces of artillery. If the Poles had difficulties with Hansa, then we should be ordering tea and cake in Warsaw pretty quickly. On September 1st ambassador Wasrziewa saves me the bother of calling my carriage as he bursts through my door to ask what 500 English warships are doing in the Baltic. I tell him we are carrying out fleet training and the ships must be lost, and if he wouldn't mind coming back in an hour I would have the whole mess sorted out. When he arrives, my secretaries have finished the declaration of war and I hand it to him. It takes a full ten minutes and smelling salts to bring Wasrziewa around, and when he does all he can say is "Why? Why?" I give him a simple answer "Osterrich!" and take my leave. Officialy, our reason for war was dug up by Walpole: In the very distant past, we had a Royal marriage with Prussia, just before the madmen there went French and declared war on Poland. The offspring of that happy couple still live in England, and are delighted to know that as soon as the war is won they will be installed as the Duke and Duchess of Prussia. Our reasoning is good enough for Parliament as the cries "Good fellows, go get Johnny Pole and give him what for!" resound around the Commons and Lords.

 

The Polish war is a short one. Unlike the redoubts in Southern France, the Poles haven't bothered to fortify their home territories as they were never threatened in the last 200 years. Tarleton and Amherst make short work of East and West Prussia, Posen, Memel and finally Masovia. I leave Masovia to Tarleton, wondering if his historic traits for butchery will rise to the surface. We take Warsaw, and send out requests for peace. The Poles however decide to refuse all offers, and as winter sets in I understand why. Our armies slowly starve, and though I dispatch reinforcements to ensure we have enough infantry to hold our positions. Tarleton meanwhile is having the time of his life. He's executing 500 Poles a week and when I politely inquire "What the bloody hell do you think you're doing," he explains that a Polish rebel known only as Gibsonzi is hampering his supply columns. He assures me that it is the ends and not the means which will be rememberd and has another group of hapless citizens pinned to the remnants of the city walls. I decide to end the war, asking for only Danzig and Posen, ending the war on November 26th 1781. I leave the Poles in no doubt as to what will happen next time they invade Austria, and leave them to rebuild and cut down the strange fruit from the walls of Warsaw.

 

Meanwhile, Modavia has declared their independence from Austria in that nation's latest woes. War exhaustion has caused revolts in almost all their provinces, and I wonder if they will ever be able to stop the different nationalities from unilateraly seceding. In 1782 Mysore and Hyderbad declare war on the Netherlands. Holland only has the city of Cochin which which to fight, but they do not ask for our help. Austria finally puts some victories together in the field and claims 250 from Hannover, and sends that straight to Palatine to end that war. They crush the revolt in Moldavia, reannex the country and liberally sprinkle rebel body parts arounf the Balkans. On the first of January 1783, the Poles ignore my threats and declare war on Austria. Despite the problems of having a peace agreement in place, I honor my commitment and declare war on Poland. All hell breaks loose at home. Our political stability plummets and revolts break out all over China and the former Iroquois lands. I hastily order guns to be built in China as the process of retaking those fortresses will be a long one. I send Amherst to the provinces I wish to take in the peace agreement and unleash Tarleton on Warsaw again, deciding that our chances of absorbing any province that man has travelled through will be remote.

 

Our political misfortunes are rewarded when Poland makes peace with Austria in an attempt to spend all their resources losing to us. The war is shor, and by April 3rd we have anexed East and West Prussia to our budgeoning Baltic possessions. I set up the Duchy of Prussia and install the long lost relations of the last Prussian nobility back in power. Unfortunately, the world does not recognize the state, and it is for all intents and purposes an English possession. Knowing that my job at destroying Poland is unfinished I add a clause to the treaty that King Sobieski must take an English history test annualy, and should he not gain a passing grade we will declare war. It's not much, but it may pass as a cassus belli to the patriotic morons back home.

 

On September 22nd Brandenburg repopens their state of war with Austria, and I hatch a plan. They have been our vassals for 200 years, but never in our alliance. Fighting Austria alone, they succomb to the temptation and join our powerful alliance. I ask Pohl to mobilize his forces and end the war as soon as possible, handing over another shipment of gold to the Austrian attache. By 1785 the last of the revolts in China have been supressed, and we again enjoy a brief moment of peace. I wish we could share that peace with our new Austrian neighbours as on June 28th all hell breaks loose again. In one day which may go down as the worst in Austrian history, Burgundy, together with allies Portugal, Venice and Sweden declare war on the Empire. I have barely read that report when the next one proclaiming that Algiers together with Russia and undefeated Cyranaica are also at war. As I prepare for yet more English gold to head East I receive news that Hansa, Saxony, Provence and Denmark are keen to join in, and finally Savoy, Spain and Scotland join the crowded field of what will soon once have been an Austrian Empire. Moldavia again announces independence. In order to facillitate their war Spain pays Holland 250 guilder to end that 10 year old conflict. When Poland announces war with Austria on January 1st 1787 I decide that I can not help matters by intervening. The smoke has just cleared from our revolts and I have no desire to chase troops around the huge expanses of China crushing rebellion.

 

On September 17th Austria signs a peace with Brandenburg receiving 250 marks in the deal. The same day, The Elector of Brandenburg becomes the King of Prussia as he agrees to our annexation of his Kingdom. Prussia is a notional Kingdom, as to the world it's just part of Britain, but I feel proud to have united the section of the country roughly equal to the Prussian borders, and to have removed another war maker from Europe. In 1788 things must be looking up for the Austrians as Josef II is proclaimed Holy Roman Emperor. We have enough vassals and provinces to combine with Austria and rig the election. On April 9th the Habsburgs do the wise thing and make peace with their biggest threat. Cyrenaica agrees to a status qui peace.

 

In July 1789 Poniatowski fails his history exam and I waste no time in declaring war. It doesn't stop stability dropping, but it;s not catastrophic as the treaty has been breached. In the shortest war in our history, we annex Silesia and Memel and the Poles agree to the peace privided Tarleton will stop depopulating Warsaw. My hobby at creating Prussia has another side affect as countries cease their wars with Austria and start delaring hostilities on us. Portugal is the first, and then a long line of ambassadors queue at my door to tell me that they will not rest until English scum are removed from Europe. I'm smug in the knowledge that only comes from that having armies 10 times larger than those arrayed before us can bring. The Mughals decide to drive the white Imperialists back into the sea, and move their forces to Manira.

 

I take Lothian and a large amount of cash from Scotland, burn Franche Compte to make peace with Burgundy, and patiently wait for the Mughals to starve in Manira. They have a force of 173,000 there so it should not take long for cavalry vindaloo to be served up. The latest Peace with Poland sees them donate Silesia and Erz to our Prussian Protectorate. I have done my job, Poland is ruined and if I can figure our a way to get the Dutch out of Magdeburg and Anhalt, then annexe Hannover, Germany will be just about complete. I set this as a long term goal for the next century.

 

By 1790 only the Mughals and Portugese stand between ourselves and peace, and Spain once again claims the title Holy Roman Emperor for King Carlos.

 

In April I decide there will be no white peace with upstarts who threathen our Empire. I order Cornwallis and his 100,000 men who have been sunning themselves in Andalusia these last 10 years to storm Algarve. Unfortunately, the General is in Yorktown form and the city holds out. I order more troops to be raised in Andalusia, and never tire of the irony that we have Spaniards fighting in red. In May the trauma of realizing that they should have been annexed years ago strikes the Hansetag and the government falls. At least all the rebels bordering my German provinces have gone home. The butcher Tarleton dies in his bed. I think the Poles can sleep easier now that The Prince of Warsaw takes up residence next to Cromwell, Brandon and Norfolk. Those four generals distinguised themselves in very different ways and times to enhance our national boundaries.

 

In 1791 the reinforced Cornwallis again assualts Algarve and takes the province. Despite offering that in peace negotiations, the Portugese stubbornly refuse to part with 250 crowns, the price of my peace. We assault Tago in February and fail, so more Andlusian reinforcements are on their way to my worst General. Manira shows signs of cracking so I send in the relief and in brutal series of battles lasting 2 weeks, both armies retreat. The town is saved, but we're in no shape to assualt our foes and finally agree to a white peace. We seize the Portugese capital in July, and agree to peace, this time demanding 500 crowns and I am shocked that we receive every penny. With the Empire finally at peace, only a few rebels who appear to object to the number of cricket clubs starting up in central Germany cause us headaches. The rest of Europe wisely leaves us alone, and even the hapless Austrians have been able to make peace with all but the Netherlands.

 

As 1792 dawns I make another detailed audit, our monthly income is now a staggering 1246.9, which after our huge military bill is paid drops 779.6 guineas into the bank of London. Yearly, we collect 17,657 of which 2024 is from the census. We are unable to prevent inflation from reaching a whopping 56% as there has been nothing to spend our monthly stipend on for over 100 years. I look back at my pascifist tendencies after the Chinese affair and realize that I made a mistake. There have been more wars and deaths in Europe this last century than in the previous 2 combined. There is only one thing to do. I will conquer all Western Europe, France, Spain, Poland, Russia and aid Austria push the Turks against the Bosphorous. They are the only other nation I trust and our friendship, though not our alliance has lasted 250 years. I still curse the day that the marriage proposal instead of treaty invite was sent by mistake. I begin the process of recruiting troops, we will force peace through conquest.

 

I awake with a start, not in London, but Staten Island. Back in the bed I have not seen in 300 years. It was too vivid to be a dream, I remember everything, the people the places, the smells. I turn on the TV, it's CNN this is America, they have the right accent, and it's not part of a British Empire. I realize that it must have been a dream, and hurridly get dressed for work. I nearly swerve off the road when I notice that the expressway sign has changed. I am driving on the Canvey Island Expressway, and their are directions to Manhattan, Queens and a borough I had never heard of before named Amherst. I slow down the car, and notice that nothing seems to have changed, not even the one fingered salutes and obscenties that are the natural result of driving at 40 mph on a expressway. But something's wrong, I pull off the highway and head for the library, which is still in the place it's always been. I grab a copy of The Rise and Fall Of The British Empire and start to read. It states that Charles I died in a shipping accident on his way to survey his lands in France. It also goes on to discredit historians who claim it was a Parliamentary conspiracy. It really happened! I really was there, then I tear into the book, read about the conquest of China, the humbling of Spain, the Duchy of Prussia, all the actions I was responsible for in my "dream." Then I read on, I spend the entire day relearning what happened, the vivid memories of battles, places and the fame I had rush through my head. Then I get to the later chapters, how it all went wrong after 1792, how the Empire collapsed, the Chinese revolts, the Germans, the French revolution which united all France, and a man named Bonaparte who became the Thief of Europe. I read about England and Scotland uniting, about the War of Independence in the US which started in 1805, about the conquest of Mysore, Hyderbad and The Mughal Empire. How Britain and the Netherlands went from being allies to enemies over Canada, and how the Dutchmen there did indeed invent hockey. I get more and more books, look through the internet, and after learning that the first and second world wars still happened, about the decline of Europe, the cold war, and that Patrick Maradonna was responsible for Ireland winning the World Cup in 1986. As hard as I search, there is no mention of Lord Essex, who became Duke of Orleans, Prince of China, Lord Govenor of India, Earl of Danzig, no mention anywhere. I return home and on my way to the bedroom stumble over a small chest that I had not previously noticed. It contained a diary, in which I'm writing now, and the badge of office of Lord Chancellor, and a dozen other titles. I close the case, unable to explain what in the world has happened to me, and notice writing on the chest lid. It has two latin words, and simply says "Europa Universalis."