Unlike the formality of the last few wars against the French, this one is going to be a close run thing. My 30,000 troops in the home island move north. I intend to try and catch the Scots when they siege the Marches, having seen what the Scots did to Wembley Stadium I have no doubt that should they move south a trail of destruction will be left in their wake. I move my French siege force to Caux, and my mobile force to Burgogne. The Palatine army, unused to marching anywhere but Paris head towards Cologne, while the Austrians continue their penchant for the South Of France by marching their entire army over the Alps. In April Cologne is effectively knocked out of the war by Kleves, and the Scottish barbarians siege the Marches. The fortress there falls very quickly, on May 5, too soon for my relief force to arrive, the timing of my attack is now ruined as the Scots will be amply rested by the time we get there, but we outnumber them in cavalry and have not lost a major battle in almost 40 years so I am confident of victory. The Spaniards move their entire Southern army to Helvetia where they rout the Austrians. I move my mobile force to Lyonnaise to cut off their supply and make that siege torturous.

 

Our colonial militia marches south into Florida, capturing the Spanish colonies there, and burning their tradepost in Tallahasee. Spain has no troops in the area. At home, May 28th will forever be known as Black Friday as our force in the Marches is routed by the Scots. Although casualties are light, Colonel Gascoigne is no match for the Scots General Malcolm, and if  the rumors that he was drunk during the battle are true, then he will soon be off to the colonies. The force retiries to Yorkshire, my home army will be out of action for a while. The Scots head to Lancashire, and I consider taking a bank loan.

 

In June, Helvetia has been assualted so I send my force from Lyonnaise to relieve the city as there is no sign of the Austrians finding the courage to take on General Don Juan. Lancashire falls to the Scots and I am helpless to stop their ravaging all Northern England,  buggering the unfortunate population and performing hideous acts with our sheep herds. I order the Royal Court moved to Orleans just in case the Scots decide to accept the Pope’s bounty on our Queen's head.

 

Oh the fortunes of war! The Glorious 1st of August will be remembered in history books forever as our nation took its first major steps to greatness. In our first encounter with the Spanish army we save Helvetia and rout Don Juan. Although the mountains are no place for our strong cavalry, we cut the Spanish to pieces, and pursue the retreating force toward Lyonnaise. A few days later, when the news of our triumph has resounded through Europe I get a visit to my quarters by Lord Souness asking why nations as friendly as ours are at war. I keep a straight face, and tell Souness that I will recall our transports heading for Northern Scotland if he will make an offer of peace. I had to elbow Dudley in the codpiece when he opened his mouth to speak, I was afraid of him asking what fleet and ruining my bluff. Souness returned the next day with 205 gold pieces and I slowly signed the peace treaty. When the Scots were out of earshot, Walsingham, Cecil and I did the Conga around our offices celebrating the coup of the century. Despite taking Lancashire, the Marches and routing our army, the Scots gave us money! I discover later why, when I receive a detailed intelligence report from our spies north of the border. Scotland is bankrupt and the highlands in open revolt. The Spanish non-war with Georgia has ruined Scotland politicaly, and their invasion force was about to be recalled when they spotted our fleet in their seas. Little did they know that the transports were empty.

 

Of all our anonymous Generals, Sir Gary Lineker has emerged as a hero every bit the equal to Norfolk and Brandon. His pursuit of Don Juan ends in Lyonnaise where he cuts the entire Spanish army to pieces. We are earning an unhistorical reputation as the finest cavalry nation in Europe. Caux falls, and but we avoid a peace offer as our allies are in trouble. I spend our Scottish lottery money on replacing the men lost in France, I just hope the Austrians appreciate the efforts we made for Helvetia.

 

The war drags on, our forces are static, waiting for the next opportunity to strike, when a new Austrian army charges over the Alps to besiege Lyonnaise. The city of Lyons has been the most contested city in Europe, as it appears to be the focul point of every war. Having annihilated Cologne, the Kleve and Palatine armies make the long march over the Alps to attack Spanish France. Their military leaders pay no heed to the matters of attrition which keep me awake at night. I feel sorry for those brave German infantrymen, most of them will never see their homes again. On November 19 Don Juan returns with a new force and attacks us in Burgogne. The city of Dijon was scene to Brandon's glory and two generations of English troops have bled protecting that city. Lineker upholds that tradition with another stunning victory over Don Juan. They can't blame exhaustion for that one. Lineker is down to 5,000 infantry and 8,000 horse, but he holds off the more experienced Juan's 23,000 men. The fighting rages all day, and when the Spanish standards have retreated over the horizon we estimate they left 9,000 of their men behind to fertilize the mustard fields. I'm astonished, having seen what a decent leader can do to army after Malcolm's success in Northern England, this man Lineker must have some luck in defeating Juan 3 times. I do not order a pursuit as our exhausted men must bury 3,000 of their comrades.

 

My other mobile force had been in cantonment in Poitou, but when scouts report a Spanish siege force en route to Auvergne I send those troops to cut them off in Guyenne. Although we catch them on the march and outnumber them 3:1, we barely drive the Spaniards off the field. The battle ends Christmas day 1574, and after 6 months of war we have faced the greatest threat to our nation and survived. The combined German army has arrived in Lyonnaise to continue the assault there, and with Flanders held by rebels, and Caux fallen long ago, the next chapter of the Spanish War will continue on the South coast of what was once France.

 

Our January budget spends our entire treasury on replacing our French armies, and giving money to Kleves, Austria and Palatine to help them continue the war. The Austrians also get a windfall from Cologne picking up 250 coins for their surrender. I am amazed that Austria possess such a more evolved diplomatic skill than the other nations. Instead of taking the province and probably losing it to rebels as it is so far from their home, they take the cash and pump it into their war effort against the dark side. Emboldened with so much money, they assualt and capture Lyonnaise, and reinforced by 50k Germans from Hanover, Kleeve and Palatine take Languedoc by February. Spain has raised another army, and 40k of them march to relieve Guyenne. Fortunately, our allies bolster the siege force there, and in what would become known as The Battle of Nations we rout the Spanish again.

 

Over the past year, I have noticed frantic activity in the French owned provinces, raising troops and combining armies. I assume, that Henry III having succeeded his mad father was planning a war with Lorraine, which looks a tempting and solitary target. Imagine my shock when on April 27, Marechal Tigana storms into my office without knocking and throws the French declaration of war onto my desk. It's been a while since I've been on good terms with a French official, not since my days consoling Cantona have there been any pleasantries, but this attitude I find extreemly rude. It would appear that Henry wishes to reverse the humiliation of the last 60 years with a cunning stab in the back while we're away fighting Spain, but he has miscalculated. While my allies have been running all over the place I have tried to keep my armies intact. We may be the only nation on earth who have more battle casualties than attrition loss, so I am still strong and ready for a French assault. The heroes of Caux have been resting in Orleans for the last 6 months, and I dispatch my other forces to combine there. Henry has prepared better for this war than his forefathers, he has a decent size force in Paris, and 25k in Armour. When I spot the Armour force moving, I retreat my newly raised replacements from Maine to Orleans. The Parisian force moves to Picardie, going for our battle weary allies, so I send an artillery heavy force to Paris.

 

Sitting in my war room in May, glancing at the situation map, I am knocked off my smug perch with terrible news. I made an awful mistake by calling my allies into the war with France, I could deal with them myself while the Austrians removed the  Spanish prescence from Southern France, but I miscalculated. I forgot about the Polish threat to Austria, and The Emperor hastily makes peace with Spain, coughing up 260 marks despite holding two Spanish provinces, and on the verge of taking a third. The Austrians turn around and head home to deal with the Polish threat, and both Kleves and Palatine have shredded their army during the war. I am alone in my war against Spain, and now have to deal with France. I decide that France must be defeated quickly and brought to the peace table before the 150,000 Poles destroy my strongest ally. I have a little breathing room with Spain, and decide to make peace while I can. All my efforts are refused however, even a white peace! The Spanish must sense blood. The French assualt Picardie, and their Western force besieges Auvergne. Their strategy is to knock Paletine out quickly and force a settlement with us while we are ravaged by Spain. These wars swing from one extreme to another, on the verge of humbling Spain we are now in trouble again.

 

The political situation in Burgundy must be weakening as revolts break out all over the low countries. I order Lineker to save Picardie, and send reinforcements to the siege of Guyenne. On June 26 we beat the Spanish relief force at Gascogne, I thank the stars for our investment in cavalry as that's the only reason I can fathom for our success. With no relief in sight the fortress of Guyenne surrenders on July 11th. My diplomats are all missing, so I have to wait until one of the drunken fops turns up so that I can send him to Madrid. I'm not taking any risks, I intend to go for a white peace with Spain and put all my efforts into saving Austria from Poland by making peace with France. I have forgiven the Austrians for their ruin of Lorraine, they are our most precious allies, bordering all our foes, I just hope they use the money I send for troops to fend off Poland and Turkey.

 

The Burgundian rebels leave their own province and attack my troops in Paris. That rabble is dismissed with a whiff of grapeshot, and the siege continues. I move the heroes of Guyenne to Languedoc, just in case and begin a siege there. My smaller mobile force is sent to Nivernais to try and keep Paletine in the war. Once again, Northern France is in a state of anarchy and destruction. Armies march, loot and burn, while Burgundian rebels roam the countryside looking for someone to fight. Cardinal Goichochea is still refusing to accept my peace offers, the Spanish tactic of sitting on their arse waiting for our economy to fold may work, as I have no Mexican gold mines to fill my coffers.

 

Then, on September 19 the most surreal event occurs. After 15 years of continous war, the Spanish government is ousted, although Philip survives, he is forced at knifepoint to make peace with all his enemies. Without making any demands, we receive Caux, Guyenne and the Florida colonies. This is incredible news, I just wish that the Austrians would have stayed in the war as they would have been rewarded with the entire Spanish portion of the South of France. Spain's prescence in France is limited to Flanders, Lyonnaise Languedoc, and Nice. There are now more English speaking Frenchmen than French (or there will be when the dragoons arrive to occupy our new lands)

 

Henry III must be cursing the Spanish, as his backstab has backfired. On October 21 Paris falls, and a day later the twin battles of Picardie and Auvergne occur. We win at Picardie, pursuing the enemy to Calais, but our large force is held off in Auvergne. However, we inflicted enough casualties to end the siege there. I note in horror that the Poles are sieging Vienna, and a frantic letter from the Emperor arrives at my office. I ask him to hold out until January when we will be able to force a peace with France, and he reluctantly agrees. I sympathise with his plight. There are still over 100,000 Poles playing catch in his back yard, and the Austrian army has ceased to exist. We destroy the remnants of the northern French army at Calais, and on January 1st make peace with France for 250 francs. The Austrian Emperor sends us his thanks, but the strain has been too much and he expires the very day peace was signed. Part of our treaty with Austria includes pressuring our German vassals to vote for Rudolph in the Election for Emperor, and he succeeds his father to that post. Part of the irony of European politics, that the Catholic zealot empire, allied with German and English Protestants, lick the Spanish, and claim the title Holy Roman Emperor due to the gains made on the death of France. My final two acts for the month are to send our entire treasury to Palatine, Kleves and Austria in the hope that they use the money to rebuild their armies, and a bouquet of roses to Georgia for their part in the humbling of Spain.

 

After the frantic efforts to hold our gains of the second hundred years war, the rest of the year is quiet. The colonists we sent to Seminole and Tallahasee, combined with a boatload of Spanish to English dictionaries make those former colonies English cities. We also establish a colony in Cali, yes I know what you're thinking, but no we picked Cali because the goldmine to the south requires a foothold in Colombia.

 

At the prompting of Rudolph, Pope Gregory XIII announces The Canon of Besancon. Not being papists we ignore the preamble about hell, heretics and purifying flames and skip to the meat of the announcement, The Pope has decreed that the Burgundians are the true Kings of France, and that Henry is voided his title. While that sort of announcement means little to me, it has apparantly caused a bit of a stir in both Paris and Burgundy. The French declare war, and the Burgundians with their 7,000 men-at-arms are none to thrilled at their sudden heavenly windfall. This is an unfortunate devlopment, France will surely win some provinces and regain some of their former strength. I end the year with a trip to Caux, and as I pass Harfleurs, and the unmarked graves of Henry V's soldiers I can't help but notice the similarity of the current situation to that of the hundred years war. France divided and at war with Burgundy, and England holding almost the same lands we had during our zenith of the 14th century. I shudder, but reassure myself that it will take more than a new Joan of Arc to throw us out this time.

 

By 1577, the constant wars and now revolts in their former French cities have eroded the Palatine army. Seeing that they have no means to put down the revolt in Nivernaise, I generously step in and offer the eternal protection of the Angevin Empire and vassalize them. Our troops crush the revolt, and once again I send my treasury, bumped up with gold from India and America to our European allies. Peace has proved to be just a prelude to war, so I plough everything else into the army. I have being unable to promote a govenor in several years, and I'm worried that our inflation continues to rise. In February 1578, the Burgundians surprise us all and force France into a white peace. I'm sure that King Martel has sent a strongly worded letter to His Holiness asking him to keep out of French affairs. However, just a month later Europe is again at war, and my ally Austria is to blame. They declare war on Saxony, I presume to get revenge for the loss of Tyrol during the Great German War. Even more disturbingly is the Spanish troop build up in Languedoc, Philip still doesn't have the political strength to attack yet, but I assume it's only a matter of time.

 

In May, Saxony wins The Battle of Zurich, pushing Helvetia up the charts to number 1 in the battle site charts. We can do nothing but watch the war as we have no way of getting into the heart of Germany. Back home Walsingham discovers a plot against Elizabeth, arresting 6 noblemen for their part in the conspiracy. I send Lord Norfolk to investigate as I am sure that after a few days in Francis's hands I would be confess to be a cross-dressing hermaphrodite if that was what he wanted me to say. But it does indeed turn out to be true, so after having the guilty executed I confiscate their lands and reap a bonus of 700 guineas for the treasury. Our clerks have barely counted the coins when it's sent away to Germany to bolster our allies performance in the war.

 

After raising new armies, Austria sieges Tyrol, and the Palatine and Hanoverians go for Hesse. At the Battle of Erfurt our German allies win a crushing victory in one of the largest battles in history. The combined Hessian and Saxon army is destroyed. While I recive daily updates to the troop movements in Central Europe, I scan the map for another ally to add to the fold. I'm worried about Austria, Rudolph has an enormous border to defend against the Turks and Poles, so I want to find him some aid should war begin again. Kleves drops out of the war, extorting their pound of flesh, or 153 pounds of flesh to be precise from the hapless Hessians. The German war moves to a siege stage, with a few frantic battles around Saxony. I have no idea how the Generals manage to keep order on the field, all the parties in the war appear to dress the same, and have some black and yellow combination on their flag. I assume that one asks where the man in front of you is from before sticking him with your halberd.

 

Much to our delight, those warriors of freedom in Flanders revolt again and Spanish troops are nowhere to be seen in Northen France. The merry band of brothers make their way to Zeeland where they capture the city from the Dutch. I haven't forgiven those mercenary scum for their Quisling during the Spanish war, and wish a plague on both their houses. Despite throwing as much money as I can afford at the Bohemians, and their friendly relations to our other allies, they refuse to join our camp. The Earl of Skrurvy explains that though they wish us luck, they have no desire to be dragged into a war against the Polish hordes the next time the mad King of France has a bad day at the office. I understand, but regret the investment I made in having Bohemian Rhapsody made into an opera to court our would-be allies.

 

On May 2nd, Saxony surrenders to Austria, and I'm hoping they demand Tyrol, as it will link up their three seperated provinces to the Empire. My hopes are dashed however when The Duke of Krankl shows me a copy of the peace settlement over a celebratory luncheon in Orleans. Having conquered all Saxony, the Austrians only demand is the conversion back to Catholicism. A piece of lobster lodges in my windpipe, and I pass out before being saved by Krankl, who jumps on my stomach. When I come to, I do the arithmatic in my head, and work out that we have spent 600 guineas on a war of religion, and somehow remaining calm ask the Duke why. Heinz explains that his government is in the grip of religious zealots led by Cardinal Polster. The Emperor was forced into the settlement in order to quell the problems being allied to a bunch of heretics had been causing in Vienna. I understand, but am extremely disapointed at having been used in this way. Only the memories of the Battle of Nations, and the now bolstered garrison of 75,000 Spaniards in Languedoc prevent me from throwing them out of our alliance.

 

The next time I see Krankl is in August when he informs me that Hesse have agreed to change religion and the war is over. I politely ask the Duke if some religious tolerance may be in order, and he agrees to have the Emperor speak to the Pope about it. Europe is again at peace, except for the lingering war between the Genoan alliance and Scotland. France is again franticly building troops, and I have revolts to supress in Vendee and Caux before the end of the year.

 

As 1580 rolls around there is no sign of a Spanish Armada, and those sly devils in Hesse change their religion back to reformed. I send communiques to Austria urging restraint, and in the gamble of the century invite Hesse into our alliance. Although they're no fans of our government, they realize that the safest way to remain protestants is to be part of the same alliance as Austria, so the country I courted 50 years ago has finally joined us as brothers in arms. I send money to Austria to soothe their political problems, and Cologne finally makes peace with Genoa, which is a shame as the Scots can now rebuild their army after 10 years of revolts. Reading the latest diplomatic papers in bed one night I am suddenly made uncomfortable with the news that the Iroquois have joined the French alliance. I begin fortifying our colonial cities and drafting a modest sized army out there should hostilities break out with France again, although after the humbling at the hands of Burgundy I'm hoping they will the light and realize that they are now just a third division power. Cecil still has no luck in convincing Elizabeth to marry, but he does shove a Royal cousin away to Scotland to marry the King's daughter. I should have put the kabosh on that as it means the hideous reality of having James and his Stuart dynasty scheduled in the next century.

 

In June, I tear Drake away from his game of bowls and send him out to map the pacific ocean between Monterrey and Madras. Walter Raleigh shows up at my door asking for money to go and discover the interior of America. I politely point out that Marching Carlisle had already performed that duty and ask Raleigh if he wouldn't mind heading to India instead. Talking of Carlisle, he died twenty years ago in the freezing Canadian arctic doing what he enjoyed best, walking. The memorial I built for him near his home town was fittingly erected in the wilderness of Northumberland, I think he would have liked it that way.

 

By 1582 it's obvious that the French are preparing for yet another bash at us. They finally dug up enough money to improve the fortress of Paris, so I invest in 50 guns for the siege that will no doubt take place. Carolina and Manhattan have emerged as cities as we have sent all our colonists our their to bolster the seaboard against Iroquois attack. We have a problem at home among the artisans, and the whining intellectual bastards have a tantrum wasting all the money I spent at the Ministry of Arts and Hygene. It all started with that damn show-off William Shakespeare. I had been looking forward to meeting him for many years, but it turned out to be a let down. Imagine if you will Dennis Miller, then double it, add in the most conceited man you've met then triple it and you have something close to what the man is like. The fellow can write, but he's impossible to deal with. I suggested that perhaps a play about Henry V would make an interesting topic for his next work when he exploded about me "ruining the creative process" and stormed out calling for a strike. I restrain Walsingham from dealing with the problem, as I have no wish to have the finest writer in history forced to eat his own intestines, so it's more money down the drain.

 

Bad news strikes us in June when the natives wipe out our Cali cartel, and before I can send another colonist over there Europe is again engulfed in flames when France declares war on Palatine. Their allies, Iraq, Georgia, Naples, Milan and Iroquois join them and I begin to worry. Our allies are in no state for war but Palatine has to call on them for aid. Hanover and Kleves are too weary to fight, and although Kleves rejoins the alliance our vassals in Hanover opt for the more peaceful life of solitude. I can't understand the Milanese, don't they remember just a generation ago they were under the garlic jackboot and the money we sent them to assert their independence? Oh well, here we go again, as the great man will say, Cry havoc, and let slip the dogs of war.

 

The patriotic fever which grips the nation is not shared by me. Our infrastructure needs upgrading, inflation is out of control, our allies land forces are weak, and the French have finally found some competent Genrals to command their armies. Nevertheless, I am back in Orleans directing the war effort. I send a mobile force to stall the French advance at Morhibun and another to drive the French army out of Paris before our 182 guns will be safe to go about the business of taking the city. The Palatine army walks their travelled path to Paris, while the French move on Guyenne, with Henri Of Guise setting off for Orleans. I order my colonial army to concentrate in Connecticut, as 75,000 Iroquois have donned war paint, and vow not to make peace until their tomahawk blades are red with Yanquis blood. Guise turns our army aside in Maine, and I hastily order the evacuation of Orleans. I order the guns moved to Caux, and I throw my reserves at Guise but they too are turned aside. In order to raise moral I send a small siege force of 8000 foot and 80 guns to the weak Brittany provinces, beginning a siege at Mohribhun. The Parisian force sieges Champaigne, and in September there are 29,000 Iroquois camped outside Adirondack. The nervous governor requests assistance, but there's nothing I can do until my army has formed up. More bad news is received from the south where our huge army is cut to pieces at Guyenne by Henry IV himself. The aura of cavalry invincibility is broken.

 

On September 16th we get stuffed in the battle of Orleans, my guns were'nt evacuated in time, and even though another mobile army joined the fray giving us a 3:1 advantage my men a running around the French countryside in panic. I send my last field army in Northern France to Orleans in the hope that we have worn out Guise's force. The Austrians and Hessians siege Milan, I wish them luck and send a small bucket of cash to help the Austrians cope with the Poles.

 

In November, the cycle of never ending defeats is broken when we win battles on two sides of the Atlantic. The Iroquois catch half my army in Connecticut, and the terrifying site of 16,000 Indian warriors befalls the 3,000 Angevins there. Somehow, we hold on, and our superior weaponry wins a miricle victory. Meanwhile in the third battle of Orleans we finally vanquish Joan of Arc, I mean Guise and send his men running for the hills. Champaigne falls and the French go off to Nivernaise, time is running out for the Palatines. I merge the survivors of two armies at Orleans, and send them to rescue Nivernaise, I send a newly raised army in Poitou to relieve Guyenne which looks like falling any day now.

 

In December it looks like the tide has turned, Milan pays 250 for Austria, though I thought they should have annexed the scum myself, and we beat Guise again at Nivernaise, saving the city, to the eternal gratitude of the German population there. January 1583 sees disaster welcomed back into our house as Henry crushes our relief of Guyenne, and then storms the city. Adirondack falls to the Iroquois, and the Poles are sacking Ostmarch. I decide to send my guns to Paris to help the Palatines take the city, and attrition be damned we need to end this war now. In America, my army has finally combined, and I send all 17,000 of them to meet the Iroquois army in Adirondack. On the 21st we have another victory, taking on 55,000 Indians our force somehow drove them off our land. The battle swung back and forth, until on the evening of the 21st our men were panicking and ready to run. At that moment, Colonel George Best led the survivors of the Royal Hibernian Dragoons on a charge, managing to kill the Indian leader. The enemy force broke and fled the field leaving our survivors exhausted but victorious. I order a withdrawl to Connecticut, as they're in no state for a siege.

 

Henry IV moves on to Auvergne, and although I try to lift the siege, Henry whips us again. The French are obviously sensing a victory as they raise a huge force, and send them to Helvetia. On March 10th, the citizens of London wake up to the smells of lasagne being cooked by the Neapolitan army that evaded our fleet and is now camped outside the city. Fortunately, I know better than to rely on the idiots in the navy, and I march 35,000 men from Lincoln to give the Italians a good kicking. I send my fleet around Dover to punish the Neapolitans for their audacity.

 

A week later, the remains of my fleet is scampering back to Kent having been scared by three Naples warships, a couple of transports, and a nasty looking cloud. I vow to destroy my navy and have Clinton's head served up at the Tower. Amid all these problems, Paris falls and Palatine seizes the opportunity for a white peace. We've survived again, but not so the Austrians, their 250 lire will cost them dear as they are not included in the Treaty. I send as much cash as possible to Vienna, but it does no good. The Poles and French are decimating our allies. I'm surprised to notice that we are still at war with Milan. As we have no way of getting there, I decide the best course of action will be pursued in London. I send groups of Morris dancers to perform outside the Milanese consulate, and threaten a continous siege until they agree to peace. Not surprisingly, Milan sends an offer of white peace, after only 3 sleepless nights.

 

Throughout 1584 I send more and more money to the Austrians, but the only description for the war out there is that they are getting their asses kicked mightlily. The mercenary French show their callousless to their allies by making peace and grabbing Helvetia, denying the Poles any chance of reward, despite taking 3 Austrian provinces during the war. Austria was lucky, but the loss of Helvetia is a disaster, as it cuts them off from Spain should we again be at war with the dons.

 

As Europe settles into peace, I reflect on how badly the war went for our alliance. The troop numbers of all our allies are down to critical lows, and no amount of money appears to prompt them to build up again. Even more unsettling is the fact that we lost 5 out of 6 battles to the crapauds, and only our vast resources enabled us to recover and wear the enemy down. Our navy was once again thrashed, and I have decided to scrap all naval research and instead of killing Clinton I exile him to the wilderness of the American plains. The last I heard was that he settled in Arkansas. In October 1584, while I am putting the plans together for next year's Tudor centenary celebrations, Krankl comes knocking, and explains hurridly that his King has decided to take out his frustrations on the Bohemians. I send money and hate letters to Austria, explaining that I had been courting the Bohemians to join our alliance to give him some relief against the Poles. I receive no reply, save the weekly updates from the frontlines as we can't participate due to the limitations of geography. By March 1485, the war is over, I don't know what the Bohemians did with our money, but it certainly didn't go into raising troops. Their weakness stems from the German war all those years ago, that protracted conflict destroying them as a nation. When Krankl gives me the peace treaty, I don't bother to read it, I already know what it contains, the promise of a conversion back to Catholicism. Unfortunately, Krankl has another dispatch, this time notifying me that his country is at war with Saxony again, and would we mind terribly joining them. I sigh, and agree, though Austria is absolute bollox as an ally these days, I have the long term security of our German allies in mind, and reluctantly join the war.

 

Unsurprisingly, our nation is swept by obscuration, the punishment for fighting religious wars against German protestants. The war progresses well for Austria, especially after Venice, The Knights, Tuscany, Parma and Genoa join them in their crusade. I put it down to a bad year for Italian wine, they're off to sample some German brews. Seeing that Austria is busy fighting the Saxons, the Bohemians break their agreement, and turn Protestant again, no doubt we will be dragged into a war against them at the first Austrian opportunity.

 

In 1588 Sweden declares war on Denmark, no surprise to me, but I burst into hysteria when I see who the Swedish allies are, none other than former enemies Russia and Kazan. I'd love to have been a fly on the wall during those alliance negotiations, Russia and Kazan fought 4 wars this century, I'm surprised their leaders can sit in the same room, let alone fight a war together.

 

As the Saxon cities are reduced I travel with Krankl to Vienna to have a hand in the peace negotiations. In an unusual display of humility I prostrate myself before the Emperor, and beg him to demand Tyrol in the peace treaty. It will give him a mountain redoubt between Austria and France, and could be the key to their intact survival during our next showdown. The treaty of Dresden is signed for a promise to become Catholic by Saxony. I ask the Austrian attache what the hell is going on, and he finally reveals the source of the Emperor's religious zeal. Apparantly Cardinal Polster has evidence that Rudolph has a "fan club" in the Vienna Boys Choir, and it's enough to have him stripped of his title. Krankl tells me that the quest for tolerance is going slowly as Polster is a true zealot, honest, unsuceptable to blackmail and completely scrupulous. Just my luck, an honest Cardinal.

 

The rest of the year is spent on infratructure in our colonies. We send a procession of bailiffs, judges, and mayors to India and America, as well as a large stockpile of cricket bats. In 1590 the only important news is that Kazan forces Denmark to give up Ostlendet and Trondelag. The Islamic quest for fjords has finally been fulfilled.

 

Over the next period of years we experience a level of peace and prosperity unparalleled in the nation's history. In June 1591 Russia finally acts like a superpower and wins a war, extracting a whoping 218 krona from the Danes. We send the Duke of Dorsett's daughter off to sunny Livonia where she will live in matrimonial bliss with some Teutonic noble. Spain goes to war with the Aztecs, and I decide to recall Raleigh from India. He's not much of a leader, but he should at least reduce the attrition of our mammoth siege guns. The Aztecs don't last long, but buy some time by making peace with Spain in return for Tuxpan and Allixco. Maybe they'll survive the century. Denmark shrugs off the last vestiges of power by ceeding Skane to Sweden. Turkey meanwhile annexes the Hedjaz. I've still had no luck in finding a partner for Austria, so lets hope the Turks go to Persia next.

 

I am surprised and amused by the report of Swedes in Cochin (India.) They try to create a colony there, but their colonists and small army end up as prizes for the natives. I ask The Duke of Desailly whether Henry would like a vacation to Cochin at our expense in an effort to foster relations between our kingdoms, but he politely declines. I spend our money improving the infrastructure of our scattered empire, and a fortification effort in America. I need to help protect the colonist there lest they end up like the poor unfortunates in Adirondack whose heads were used in a lacrosse tournament. Being the wine loving nation that we are, we build a new refinery in Sacremento and look forward to Gallo chardonay arriving by the boatload.

 

Europe is surprisingly quiet during this period, even the Austrians have settled down a bit, until 1596 when war erupts again. France decides to pick on someone their own size and attacks Lorraine, while the Turks showing an adversity to crossing the Danube decide it's been far too long since they played with the Mamelukes. As the Dutch don't fancy a trip around the med to help their allies they abandon their Turkish links and join us in our European power block. Unfortunately, those scheming asps in Madrid ally with Burgundy. I can't believe that all the money I gave them may eventually be used against us, fighting for their former masters. In 1597 The Spanish go counter reform and I brace for war. The Scots are still infatuated with Spanish dancing, and refuse to leave that alliance. For the first time in history, our own alliance expires. Since the 1530's the constant wars have extended the unusual marriage between Catholic and Protestant and I have a little fear as to whether I can get everyone back in the same bed. However, Palatine, Austria, Holland and Kleves all sign on the dotted line. Nothing I do, not even my threat of sending the morris dancers to Kassel will bring Hesse back into the fold.

 

The French military juggernaut stalls in Lorraine, and they end the war with a white peace. Laughter echoes around the Royal court here. On October 2nd 1597 a major step is taken in securing peace within Europe. After the tragic, accidental death of Cardinal Polster, slipping, and falling backwards off the roof of Graz Cathedral, the Edict of Tolerance is announced. There will be no more counter reformation, no more crazy wars for Austria, and the Protestant States of Europe are recognized as real kingdoms. All Europe sighs with relief, now we can get back to killing each other for money and land instead of this zealot nonesense. Walsingham returns from his vacation in Styria, although aged, he still has his remarkable gift for diplomacy..

 

With the Catholic world accepting marriages with us protestant scum, we ship of some layabouts to Burgundy and Saxony. By 1599 the Mamelukes have been slaughtered, paying off each of Turkey's allies with land and money. Even Cyrenaica gets in on the act. The war finally ends with the Ottoman Empire gaining Samaria and Aleppo. Noting that France have added Genoa to their list of bootlickers, we look around Italy for some new friends. Although Tuscany is wrapped up with The Papal States until 1606 we start throwing money at them. By 1600 the Tuscans offer the hand of their princess, and the lucky lady leaves the barren poverty of her Tuscan castle to go live in Scarborough with the Duke of York. I hope she likes rain.

 

All remains quiet as the century turns. During the last hundred years our country has been catapaulted from a poor island backwater to one of the preeminent nations in the world. Apart from our catalog of naval disasters, we have been undefeated in war, and wily in peace. Our manipulation through marriage and money has divided our enemies and strengthened our friends. The words Spain and France no longer strike terror into me. If we ever get some decent Generals, our armies will be invincible. We dominate most of Germany through vassals and allies, and have managed to keep everyone together despite the turmoil of the last century. Although Mary, and Edward ruled awful adminstrations, the longevity of Henry VIII and Elizabeth have made up for their lack of fertility. We have cities along the length of the American eastern seaboard, and a gold mine and winery on the West Coast. Although we have failed miserably in Africa, we have three cities in India, and a growing number of colonies in the richest area in the world. My goals for the period of rule are continued security from our wretched European enemies, expansion through America and India, and the invention of a flushing toilet. When our colonies are a little more secure in India I intend to turn towards Mysore and add their incredibly rich provinces to our empire. Almost nothing went as planned over the last century, and we have stumbled through battlefield success and diplomatic luck, hopefully we will have a more directed approach during the next hundred years.

 

As the cold foggy winter shows no sign of abating, I put the Royal seal to an edict banning football from the Kingdom. Unfortunately, the sport of kicking a pig's head through the center of town is having an adverse affect on trade and commerce, particularly in the French provinces where the English and French speakers use the game as an excuse to kick each other's teeth in. My suggestions that we get the participants down to 11 from the more customary 3000-4000, and inflate a pigs bladder to kick instead are met with laughter. I should have expected it, all my efforts to advance culture ahead of time have failed. I am snapped out of my mundane chores when the new Austrian attache arrives with a request from the Emperor to join their war against Saxony. I receive assurances from Puskas that they will not even think about converting the Saxons, and that this is simple malevalant greed. That's a cause I can get behind and I agree to our participation. The government of Kleves refuses to fight when they realize that Saxony have allied with Hesse, and those nations may end up in Dusseldorf before the Austrians have mobilized. I forgive them their transgression and send a faceless beaurocrat off to Germany to invite them back into the alliance. There's no way we're going to actually fight this war. A naval landing in Holland and a long march through Europe is pretty much a death sentence to the poor regiment that gets it's marching order, so I decide on cash as our contribution.

 

In April 1600, the Dutch kick off festivities with by storming Munster, while the Saxons catch the Austrian army moving out of Thuringen and destroy them. Living off the money we're sending the Austrians raise another army, and by July those men are besieging Tyrol. If The Emperor had listened to me a few years ago Austria would already possess Tyrol, but no, and they pay dearly with their men to take that piece of real estate again. The Dutch move on to Anhalt the same week that Thuringen falls to Saxony. Looking at records of troop movements, and battle lists our allies seem to lack any coordinated plan. They begin a new siege in a province not 100 miles from where one of their own cities will fall. The fighting in France was all funneled through a couple of key provinces, but in the wider expanses of Germany the lack of strategic planning will add to the casualty list.

 

We continue pumping money into our allies hoping they will finish this debacle soon as the Spanish are busy building troops in the South of France. That can only mean one of two things, either they're planning a full scale war against Genoa, or England, and if there were any reputable bookmakers around I would bet we're the target. As the year ends, there is still no sign of an ending to the mayhem

 

In February 1601 I get a couriered dispatch from the French consulate. The ambassador is too embarassed to show his face in my office as once again the French penchant for getting their backside slapped has risen to the surface and they declare war. Perhaps they think that we're off fighting in Germany somewhere, if they do they're about to get the shock as we have close to 80,000 troops in France. I study the list of allies and notice that all of their previous allies only Iroquois, Milan and Georgia have been stupid enough to sign on for more madness. Poland and Sweden have been replaced by The Mamelukes, Genoa and Portugal. Honestly, do their ministers not read the newspapers? Allying with France is a guaranee of war every couple of years. The French lion has become more of a poodle over the last 50 years so I don't call for my allies to help. I'd hate to spoil all the fun they're having marching round Germany, so I decide to go it alone.

 

We finally have a half decent General in Alden and I send him to Orleans, the most likely French target. I send another mobile force to Guyenne, a small siege unit to the Brittany coast, and Raleigh with 182 guns to Paris, taking a circutous route to ensure that Alden has cleared a path to the capital. The Iroquois have not recovered from their last war against us so I go for a quick strike with 4,000 men against their 15,000 available force. I muster a couple of scattered units in India and decide to drop in on Portugese Goa, burning their possesion in India is the only lesson I can deal them for jumping in bed with the Devil.

 

At The Battle of Orleans on February 22, Alden wins his spurs with a crushing victory. We kill or capture 14,000 of the 23,000 army that set off to glory. A few days later, news from the south is not as good, we leave the field of Guyenne, but not before destroying the French army, for the loss of only a couple of thousand. The French fought stubbornly, and held the field at nightfall, but it was a most Pyrric victory. On March 12th I have sad news to announce to the nation. Elizabeth Regina, God’s chosen ruler of England has died. This is a bitter blow, she died early so I never had the chance to say goodbye, or prepare for the succession problem. Elizabeth was the last, and most successful of the Tudors. She will be known as the first monarch of an Empire, and she died knowing her kingdom was safe, but it's the end of an era. If all goes to historical form we're going to wait 50 years for a decent monarch, and we have to survive the imbecilic Stuarts in the meantime. Officialy she died peacefully in her sleep, but the truth is she suffered a heart attack after another victory celebration, and a night of earthly pleasures with her female attendants.

 

Indirectly, France is to blame. There would never have been such a big piss up had we not won another battle, so I vow revenge, and will make those scum crawl on their bellies for peace this time. There's no worry about our allies screwing things up, we're going to do this right, and take our time about it. I am named Regent, so I appoint Walsingham, Dudley and Aylesbury to work out who the next King will be while I plot devastation never before seen in Europe. I have to admit that I'm bitter, and I have France and The Iroquois to take it out on. I decide that we can no longer tolerate an enemy near our rich colonies, so I invest in siege equipment and larger armies in America. On the 18th, Hesse pays Paletine 250 crowns to end their part in the destruction of their small area of the German countryside, while on the other side of the Atlantic we assault Oswego. I don't know where they get their money from , but the frantic building of troops in their other provinces suggests a sudden influx of capital. I detect the faint odor of Spanish money being funneled out to Iroquois.

 

By April 19 Raleigh is in Paris, and the guns are firing at the recently repaired walls. Our Indian army reaches Goa, burns the tradepost, and we send colonists our there to ensure the Portugese don't come back. On June 24 we win another battle at Guyenne, there are no more French troops this side of the Spanish frontier, so we settle our armies down to rest. I don't bother assaulting, or even sieging Cervennes, we are in no rush. Our fleet appears charged up about our monarchs death as our 20 ships meet 6 French warships in the Channel, those odds usually mean a French win, but we sink the lot without losing a boat. Perhaps Hawkins has finally got a grip now that he's in charge. A second French fleet arrives a day later, and we sink 4 of the 12 for no loss.

 

By August Armour and Paris have fallen, and the first of the French peace offers come in. Each time I keep the ambassador waiting outside my office for 12 hours before I let him in and say no. The rest of the year is spent building up some decent forces in the Americas to obliterate the Iroquois. In the meantime, somehow, and from somewhere 6,000 Frenchmen land in Wessex. The home army is glad of the target practice and all 34,000 of them descend on the hapless invaders. Moribhun falls on New Years Eve, all northern France now lies in our hands. In January 1602 the nation of Hesse becomes just a province in the Habsburg Empire. We send congratulations to the Emperor, he now has a block of three provinces seperated by Bavaria. If the Bavarians had a stock market, I'd be selling everything as Austria has proved to be a noisy neighbor of late.

 

Very little happens for the next few months of the war, we fight a series of engagements against the Iroquois who have the incredible ability to keep getting 20-30 thousand warriors in the field, only to have them wiped out. In the German sweepstakes, Holland takes Anhalt, a poor choice in my opinion, from the Saxons. Each day I enter the office there are a line of French couriers, each one with a new peace offer. I don't bother to even read them, I will personally draft this treaty. The rest of Europe is getting a little anxious with this war going on, that's the only possible explanation from the Spanish going to war with the Aztecs and Poland attacking the Teutons on the same day. The Aztecs hold out until June, when their Empire is annexed by Spain. We finally dispatch Raleigh to Cervennes to take the last French city within walking distance, and 20,000 Venetians show up in Anglia. They certainly mean business, Venice brought an Armada of 100 ships to our seas, destroying all but 4 of our navy. The Royal Wessex Cavalry charge through the flatlands of Essex to destroy the Italians. In November the Austrians have finally finished with Saxony, they restore Tyrol to the Empire, and 162 marks from the helpless kingdom. Venice offers a white peace after the loss of their army.

 

March 1603 is noted for two things, Cervennes falling, and James Stuart being crowned King of England. It's a dark day in our history inviting the King of Scotland down here, but my crack commitee couldn't come up with anyone else. The irony of the Yorkists and Lancastrians fighting a 50 year bloody civil war is that neither of those Houses has anyone left to inherit. We search in vain for anyone with Royal blood but the Tudors were quite thorough in their eradication of the other House. James is the only option. The lavish ceremonies of his coronation drag on, but fortunately I have the excuse of a war to fight, and take the first boat to France. Milan is the next to drop out of France's pocket we exchange the formalities of peace even though neither of us fired a shot at each other. We have almost finished off the Iroquois, with bonus of taking the French colonial city of Niagra, and burning their trade post in Detroit to the ground. From the descriptions I receive in dispatches, Detroit looks, pretty much the same as it does now.

 

On August 19th Alden dies, his spectacular battles didn't quite have the desperate heroics of Brandon or Norfolk but we bury him with honors in Orleans. We again lack quality among our Generals. We finally take the last Iroquois town, and force them to become English citizens. We are now dominant in North America, and secure from any other organized nations there. I wait until January 1st before presenting peace to France. I'm in no mood for negotitations, embellishments or any formalities. Walsingham's about to die, and I want him to see the French humbled. We meet French officials in a bivouac outside Orleans. I want them to see the might of our army before they leave. I hand our proposal, Niagra, Cevernaise, and 500 francs. Before the French get a chance to argue I inform them that if the document is not signed immediately I will leave for Armour and have St Malo, and all it's citizens burnt to the ground. They sign, I leave, no pleasantries. French government has the persona of a certain character from The Holy Grail, they keep coming back for more. I hope that this is the last we see of them, if not I swear to take Paris apart, brick by brick. When Walsingham dies shortly after, I bemoan the death of another friend. Only Cecil is left from Elizabeth's administration, James having the sense not to interfere in the daily running of the kingdom yet.

 

After their last capitulation we don't here from the French, or anyone else for that matter for the next 8 years. This is the longest stretch of peace in our history, and I spend our huge budget on adding administrators to the colonies, building another winery in Guyenne, and expanding our colonies in the Orient and America. In 1609 The Dark Knight says "None shall pass" and go to war with Lorraine. Predictably, a white peace follows another French military disaster. We re arm our armies with a new quick firing musket. Our troops can manage a shot every two minutes now. I'm convinced that had a nation retained it's bowmen and crossbows they would be dominant in Europe. While the early guns make a lot of noise and smoke, the safest place to be on the battlefield is in a musketeer's sights. They never hit anything. Austria continues their monopoly on the title of Emperor, with both Mathias, and then Ferdinand II ascending the throne and Empire. These are quite times for Europe, as the world has aligned into four distinct power blocks; us, the Spanish group, the Turks, and the Polish-Russian camp. The respite from war is sure to end soon, but I intend to increase our wealth, and therefore our ability to wage war with every peaceful day that passes.

 

Through 8 years of peace, we have grown a little soft. I have directed our yearly budget to internal officials, and colonization. We have had several setbacks in Madurai and Mangalore, with those names being feared among the enlisted men of the army. Unlike most of the provinces we've settled, the independent minded, and very violent men on the Indian coast attack our garrisons at any opportunity, and have twice destroyed our settlements. Lord Dudley, Fourth Earl Of Leicester retains command in France, he's a decendent of the Dudley who fought at Bosworth, and though not outstanding in the field, he's the best we have. Raleigh was beheaded by James at the behest of the Spanish Ambassador, Diego Sarmiento de Acuña, Count of Gondomar for no other reason, than it weakens us. Being King of Scotland, James is used to kow-towing to the Dons, and it makes both Parliament, and the people very suspicous of him.

 

Having been forced to listen to James recite his own poetry, I'm glad of a new distraction in 1619, even if it does mean war. I try to keep my distance from the King as much as possible. While he's an intelligent man, that fact is well known to him, and he likes to remind everyone of it. A century of inbreeding has left it's toll on our monarch. He walks strangely, a weird loping bird-like stride, his tongue is too big for his mouth, he dribbles and spits when he talks, and oh and how he likes to talk, in a Scottish accent that makes you want to poke his eyes out with a blunt knife. It’s like spending all day with a lisping Billy Connoly. I'm particulary sensitive to the Scottish aspect, having spent many sleepless nights worrying about their army, and many busy days shipping them haggis money to keep them friendly for a century now. Having one sit on a throne I have slaved to protect has made me a little edgy. After Cecil's death, James appoints Lord Buckingham to be his personal advisor. That man doesn't just have a brown nose, but a brown head and shoulders too. Our government takes a hit, and our diplomatic, economic, and infrastructure suffers during his reign. Inspired by Shakespeare, the King fancies himself an author, and while that's a big change from a more simple monarch like Henry, having to read James's dross about the divine rights of Kings, and listening to that God-awful poetry is enough to make me want to pack up and settle in with the headhunters in Madras.

 

The Ten Years War kicks off quietly with Poland deciding to pay a friendly visit to the Order Of Teutonic Knights. They drag their partners, Russia, Kazan, Bohemia and Pskov into the war, while the Knight's Danish allies join their defense. Denmark has been in decline for 100 years now, and I can't help but think that not for a little luck and geography, we may be in that same position. The war is a quick one, more like a mafia extortion job, as Poland share 219 zlotyrs with their cronies just a month later.

 

In December our former vassals,  Brandenburg have a French fit and declare war on The Netherlands. We join the war on the side of The Dutch, but make a white peace immediately. I don't know what possessed the Elector, perhaps the brutality with which the Dutch have surpressed revolts in nearby Anhalt have led to the insanity. When 1621 rolls around I am back to the business of destroying France when Louis XIII declares war. I have by now gone beyond trying to find logic in the French policy. Had they cut their losses 50 years ago, and gone about the business of expansion in the New World they may have recovered some of their former glory. I arrange a meeting with our allies and explain that there is no need for their intervention, but to keep a strong military prescence in case Spain decides to attack. I have been worried by the enormous number of troops Spain has in France, and their skillful diplomacy which has added a number of distracting countries for our allies to fight should we go to war.

 

The French strength is in the South East, but they are seperated from us by Spain. The dirt farmers in Brittany, and the poor unfortunates in the much-destroyed Ile De France are the only provinces they can attack us with, and there simply are not enough troops to even slow us down.I destroy their standing army in Armour, and siege Paris. I am not in the mood to toy with them this time, as I notice that every Spanish province is cranking out new troops. The Netherlands meanwhile, continue their German expansion taking Magdeburg and 250 from Brandenburg. I am considering trying to bring Brandenburg back into the sack with us, as they are pretty helpless out there in Germany.

 

On September 14th Paris once again falls, but before I can draft the peace treaty, my great fears are realized and Cardinal Michel visits for afternoon tea, and a spot of croket on August 17. After consuming the last of the scones, he announces that with great regret His Most Catholic Majesty Philip IV of Spain, and Emperor of The Americas has declared war. I thank the Cardinal, and ask him if we would like another cup, and perhaps some watercress sandwiches, but he has more pressing matters and takes his leave. We are prepared for the war, having two field armies, one led by Dudley in the South, and a siege force of 80 guns. I know from experience that in order to save my troops from starvation I need to destroy the Spanish field army, then put the siege force to business. For this strategy to work, we need a decisive battle, because I generally only use 10,000 infantry and 1000 cavalry in sieges, should that force meet the enemy, they will be annihalated. I move Dudley south to Languedoc, and my other force East to Franche Comte. Our faithfull allies, Austria, Palatine, Kleves and Holland join us in the war, while Genoa, Burgundy and Tripoli show their loyalty to Spain by turning out on the for the evil ones.

 

In September we meet mixed news, Dudley is in flight from Languedoc, having been destroyed by Spinola, but we have removed Burgundy from the southern front with a decisive win in Franche Comte. I don't let my field army linger there however, and withdraw them to Bourgogne. In the north, General Guillet beats the Spanish army of Flanders in Zeeland, and forces their retreat into Holland itself, the army of Flanders, cut off from their base is savaged by repeated attacks. I tear my men away from their duties in the Parisian cafes to besiege Flanders. Only Kleves and Holland are participating in Germany, wisely the Emperor has kept his forces from the fray as there is no easy way for the Austrians to do battle. A second Netherlands army crushes the northern Burgundians. I give myself a big pat on the back, if we can deal with Spinola in the South we'll be at a peace conference within a year.

 

On January 1st 1622 I send France our demands, I don't bother to show up myself, sendind Sir Alan Shearer to do the King's bidding, and he comes away with 750 guineas. We must have caught the French in the middle of a bank loan, as for the first time, they come up with all the cash. Our armies are too busy to celebrate, but the money goes to Palatine and Holland to help them in the war effort. I make another dreadful miscalculation, not building new armies to attack Spain, as I believe the war is almost over, that decision adds thousands of English soldiers deaths to my consience later in the year. I have sent Dudley a reserve a field army to make good his losses, and order him to destroy Spinola at Auvergne. Unfortunately, we have been fighting France too long, and we are unprepared for defeating a real world power. Spinola crushes Dudley again at the battle of Clermont on February 16th. The site where Pope Urban triggered off the crusades was knee deep in English blood before Dudley could extract himself. My southwest army is destroyed, and the war has turned.

 

In the north, we begin the siege of Flanders, and the Dutch kindly reinforce that army with a small supply of infantry under our command. Flushed from their success over us in the South, Spinola then makes a fatal error and divides his forces. The attrition rate in Aubvergne is brutal, to he detaches his infantry and guns, then moves west to destroy our last intact field army. I note that a replacement force looks set to rendezvous with Spinola so I order a march to hit him first. We time the attack perfectly, routing Spinola, and his reinforcements arrive almost at the moment when battle is won. In the confusion, the Spanish reserves are trampled by their fleeing army, and we inflict heavy casualties on both forces. This is the moment we need, I order our force to pursue into Languedoc and destroy them. On May 5th, the exhausted Spinola is again defeated at the battle of Montpellier, and he is forced to retreat to Spain. We don't follow, I want to systematicaly reduce the Spanish provinces in France, fighting in the Pyrenees will do nothing for our cavalry heavy armies.

 

Meanwhile, with the ink not yet dry on our last peace, France again declares war on May 24th. A coup in Paris fails, and our scouts there report of a forrest of gallows on the fields outside the city. I ask my allies for help this time, as it's taking our entire economy to deal with Spain. In the short term, this is a disaster, as Palatine drops out of the war with Spain, giving up Auvergne even though we are winning the war on the field. Our army in Orleans destroys the northern French army, but we have no one available to siege Paris. I am close to taking Flanders, and do not want to march my cannon, patiently waiting to move into Spanish territory north.

 

I am given a report from home, that the combination of James's meddling in Parliament, and war which our people are no longer used to has made the country rife for rebellion. The problems are increased by Spain's tactic of landing troops in every corner of our Empire. We are forced to fight in India, America, Ireland and England and it's a clever tactic. Every pound of gunpowder I have to replace in those fronts is denied to the real of war where we are winning.

 

On September 1st I give the papers at home some good news to print, as Flanders falls. The rich and ancient province would make a nice addition to our territory in France, and would finally be an end to Spanish possessions in the North. Meanwhile, Palatine sieges Paris, and I add the guns from Flanders to that force, to speed up resolution with France. The Austrians have concentrated their efforts on Helvetia, and If they can take it, I will ensure they receive it in the peace talks with the French.

 

With Flanders gone, the Dutch finish off the Burgundians, and the remnants of Spain's army in the north. Philip must be putting pressure on his generals, as they send untrained troops against us in the twin battles of Lyonnaise, and Languedoc. In the second battle of Montpellier the myth of Spinolas invincibility is shattered as though outnumbering us 3:1 his force is routed. The Dutch crush the Burgundians at Hainault, and now I sense that the war will be fought on our terms. I besiege Franche Comte, if I can knock their only participating ally out of the war, then the Dutch, Austrians and ourselves will be free to dismantle Spanish France, as we should have done 60 years ago. Paris falls, and Palatine claim 150 and peace to rebuild their kingdom. I keep my force in Paris to begin yet another siege, and as Helvetia has fallen, I see another province being lost to our most hated enemies.

 

As 1623 dawns, Paris falls, I have my deputies draft the Treaty Of Brussels where we claim 500 francs to be distributed around the allies. I also force Burgundy out of the war for another 500. At a conference with our allies in January we pat each other on the back, looking forward to the reaction of the Europe's nobles when the news of our simultaneous victories over Spain and France should strike fear among any others who wish to meddle with the path of justice. I should have known by now, that every time my self-congratulation has got the better of me, Providence has seen fit to give me a kick in the arse. In a remarkable logistical feat, Spain lands 60,000 men in Flanders to retake the city. I have grudging admiration for the tactical planning in the North, as our field army from Caux marches to Flanders, they are met at every step by delaying forces landed from Spanish ships. Although we turn them aside each time, the difficult terrain, and the privations of the march have taken their toll, we are routed at The Battle Of Antwerp on February 22nd.

 

In the south Dudley beats Spinola at Lyon, and we send their siege force back to Spain after a bloody day in Guyenne. My northern army, is again driven out of Flanders by Spain, and even worse, they detach a cavalry brigade which catches my Parisian siege guns on the March to Calais. Michel pays me another visit and asks for a return to pre war positions. I am tempted, this war has dragged on far longer than anticipated, and we have lost a good many soldiers fighting off the Spanish counter attacks in the South. However, if we stop now, then the Spanish will have gained Auvergne and the knowledge that they can beat us, so I regrettfully decline. The Dutch come to our aid in the North with a stunning victory in Flanders, and I throw every man I have left in the north to siege the city. We're down to 50 guns now, but Flanders has become my obsession, we will fight on until it is no longer in Spanish hands. In the South we siege Bearn and Languedoc, Spinola sits licking his wounds in Navarre, Dudley having driven him out of Roussilon, to ensure breathing room for our sieges. The three cities should fall simultaneously, and adding them to the already captured Lyonnaise should be a crushing victory for us.

 

Spinola does not try to recross the Pyrenees, and during the siege phase of the war, only the constant amphibious landings  prove a nuisance in all corners of the Empire. To my horror, I note that Burgundy is fighting Holland, the foolish Dutch must have made a seperate peace with one of the minor nations, and their whole war effort is spent against Burgundy now. I have no money to give them. The prolonged war is taking it's toll on our economy, and I have to spend every penny in replacing the men who fell early in the war. It takes until June 1624 for us to have the Spanish fortresses in our possesion, and we are shocked when Spain refuses to agree to the cession of Flanders. Despite holding 4 Spanish provinces, the war is not over. I sigh, when 51,000 Spaniards cross the Pyrenees to try to retake Languedoc, but Dudley's 30,000 veterans win another battle in the south.

 

On August 12th I am shocked to hear that France has declared war again, what the hell is going on? A day later Turkey, Scotland, Hansa, Naples and Wallachia, a very formidable alliance declares war on France. Amazingly enough Persia also declares war on France by the end of the week. Finally, all Europe has turned on the mad warmongers, I can only hope for some of those countries to partition the maniacs at first opportune moment. I am a little worried aboout the Turkish alliance, it is an amazing piece of diplomacy for them to collect the perfect allies for a war on Austria. The Scots and Hansa will distract us and he German portion of our alliance while Turkey is free to attack Austria one on one. I make a note that I must find an eastern ally for Austria as soon as possible. At the end of September, we beat off another counter attack at Rousillon, and Poland declares war on Persia. The eight years of peace in Europe are forgotten, as almost every nation is now involved in some war. I have to bring the allies into the war with France, hopefully the Austrians will have more success in Helvetia this time. We siege Paris, and move across the Pyrenees to take another Spanish province that will give us more weight at the bargaining table. Navarre falls on Christmas Day 1624, and we prepare for the fourth year of war.

 

Palatine claims the rights of siege in Paris, and makes a seperate peace for 250 marks, its a shrewd move, the Elector needs that money to rebuild his troops since the loss of Auvernge. We begin a siege of Rousillion. On March 20th, the repeated Austrian assaults on Helvetia are finally successfull. We step our efforts in Paris to force yet another peace, the third in three years. Our monarch does not live to see the resolution as he dies on March 29th and his son, Charles I ascends the Angevin Throne. I do not attend either the burial, or coronation. Having James as king was like having a stranger living in your home, and I know that Charles will ruin our country if I can't change history, so I have no interest in meeting the new monarch. He's just as pompous as his father, and his lavish spending brings him into constant conflict with Parliament, as he cannot understand why the money I spend on the Kingdom isn't simply lining his own pockets.

 

The Austrian and Kleves army crosses the Alps and attacks the Spanish redoubt of Auvergne. Unfortunately, they cannot capture the fortress, I would like a German holding that province, but I can see it's not going to happen. On August 16th we make another peace with France, Helvetia gains it's seventh owner in Austria, and Holland takes a French colony. I ask for nothing myself, it's mid year, I know their treasury will be empty. On the other side of the world, Poland takes the Persian empire's outpost in Europe with the cession of Donetsk to Poland. Again, I worry for Austria, the Poles have never lost a war, and the sheer size of the Habsburg domains makes it impossible to defend. I propose to Puskas, that Austria grants garrison rights to our army in peacetime, so that we can station an army on the Polish frontier, but he tells me that the 40 nationalities kept peaceful within the empire rely on the knowledge of Austrian invincibility. I can see his point, but it means that to keep Austria safe, I am going to have to build a fleet in the near future, in order to get troops out east. The last 50 years of cutting naval spending have given us the most advanced army on the continent, it's going to take a long investment to get even a taxi fleet up to strength for use in war.

 

The war drags on, Spain's land forces have been throughly defeated, but they refuse to give up Flanders, I urge patience on our allies, and continue the siege war. In April 1626, Rousillon falls and we finally take Flanders. I had hoped that the province could go to Holland, as they initiated the last siege there, but alas, we now have the job of pacifying that enormous province, and fending off the increasing jealousy directed at our kingdom from the rest of the world.

 

After more than 4 years war, our army has rotted away, and we have spent every penny on the war effort. The Spanish gain at Palatine's expense in Auvergne was a costly mistake by me, it gives then a staging point to strike out anywhere within our French possessions, and the problems of feeding an army during a protracted siege makes taking the fortress very difficult. Gradually the nations of Europe make peace with each other, with no noticable changes of territory. The French are quiet, having the wrath of the world may keep those bastards in check for a few years.

 

I have to invest all our money back into the army. Our lack of a brilliant field General since Brandon, means that our forces have to be large, cavalry heavy, and pick their terrain in order to win the field, I devote the next few years to building forces, and planning a series of events to avoid the Civil War. My own power within the Kingdom is much diminished as Buckingham is the King's chosen minister. Over the last hundred years Parliament has been strengthened, and it's powers of taxation make it the equal of the King in terms of policy. Being another cheap Scot's git like his Dad, Charles cannot understand why God's chosen vessel in England needs the help of Parliament at all. Try as I might in 1615, I could not prevent Guy Fawke's plot against James from failing. Even arranging a party for the Yeomanry of London the night Guy sat beneath The Houses of Westminster with his barrels of gunpowder, some idiot found him and the King's men had their merry way with his body parts before he died. This time, I have to come up with something new to dispose of Charles before the Civil War breaks out.

 

I think back to the hey days of Walsingham, his tremendous talent for political assasination, and try to imagine what he would do. I begin to gather allies, the first being Arthur Capel, who I bestow my title, Earl of Essex upon. I no longer need it, I'm happy with my French lands, and titles, and I need allies. I add Sir Thomas Fairfax, and a ruthless religious zealot by the name of Oliver Cromwell to the fold and the plot begins. Cromwell is the grandson of  Sir Thomas, who died at Henry VIII's hands after the Anne of Kleves disaster. He is an unknown Member of Parliament in 1628, but I know that he has the qualities required for my purposes. The plan is made difficult by Charle's lifestyle, he doesn't hunt, party, or even leave his house that often. He spends all his time having his portrait painted by Reubens and Van Dyck, now English citizens since our seizure of Flanders. Charle's actions have made it easy for me to convince the gang that it's time to be rid of the Stuarts, he dissolved Parliament, and has imposed every tax and levy imaginable under Royal custom to line his purse. Then it strikes me, I find a use for our navy after all, and decide to throw the King an aniverssary of Stuart rule in Orleans. Knowing that our ships have sunk in a light rain during the last 100 years of war, I know it will only take a modest amount of gunpowder to send our flagship to the deep, and Lord Essex obliges with the contents of the Ilford Arsenal. On March 21st our nation is shocked with the sudden death of the monarch, in Harwich harbor. It's a tragic accident, and our jaunta of regents now leads the country until the next King is chosen. I'm hoping it won't take too long for Cromwell to be named Lord Protector, but in the meantime, we empty the Royal palace's of it's tartan curtains, and cancel an order with the Glasgow brewing company, as we have no more need of their beer. The country will go on, and I'm hoping that not even providence will be able to make a civil war happen now.

 

While our country enjoys peace, Poland begins it's annual extortion of the Teutons, and The Ottomans decide they've spared the Mamelukes their rage far long enough. The Teutons pay another 105 marks to Poland, and I ship truckloads of money to sweeten the attitude of the Hansetag towards our empire. The lack of a King has made my life easier, though I do admit to missing the Tudors, there was a degree of excitement, and loose morals that are a little abscent in today's puritanical Parliament. We have a government by commitee, in no rush to look for a King until the time is right to name Cromwell the leader, In 1634 our armies develop both the bayonet and regimental tactics. Cromwell has thrown himself into the business of military reform, and developed the concept of a "New Model Army." While our continental cousins are still organizing their strategy around the tercio, our self contained regiments, and dissolution of pikemen make our soldiers better trained and equipped than our friends or enemies. Due to our Indian possession, red dye is dirt cheap, so for the first time our soldiers begin to dress in a red jacket to aid in our commanders being able to tell who it is they are in charge of. The idea of camoflage uniforms crosses my mind, by the thought of friendly fire causing more damage than the enemy makes the bright red a good idea.

 

Cromwell himself decides to take a command, and I assign him our force in Bourgogne, while Prince Rupert takes our Western forces. Fairfax has convinced me that he knows a thing or two about sieges, so I give him command of our southern artillery just in case the Spanish should try another war. Oman annexes Aden but really, who cares. We have several years of peace to build up manufacturing, and industry, to boost our coffers should an emergency arise. In 1637 Ferdinand III receives the support of our German Vassals as well as the Dutch and his own German provinces to be named Holy Roman Emperor. I feel a great satisfaction that our alliance has combined to shut Spain out of that post, and looking back at my initial distrust of the Austrians proves how wrong one can be. They have been steadfast allies for almost a century, and despite the madness of the religious wars our governments have remained close. The memory of their action in The Battle of Nations is imortalized by a statue of King Rudolph in Guyenne. Our subjugation of France is complete, the last nationalists from Cervennes have been shipped off to India, and aside from the occasional revolt in Flanders we remain commited to peace and the mercantile aquisition of an empire. We have almost all the Indian coast as settled cities, as well as the entire seaboard of America, as deep as present day Ohio in the north. We have Dutch neighbors in Cochin, somehow they managed to survive the headhunters there and build a colony, and they have settled the Canadian coast. Shutting France out of America and India is one of my most satisfactory achievements, I just hope that there are more Dutchmen like Jeff Beukeboom, and that they invent hockey in the next century.

 

As the date of our Civil War gets closer, the Mameluks give up Cataracht to the Ottomans. The Turkish Empire is vast, absording almost all the Middle Eastern States bar Persia. I'm still troubled by their alliance, and I hope to God that Hansa will join us when their alliance expires. An audit of the country reveals that the riches of India have made us the wealthiest country on earth. Our monthly income is 399.2 of which we bank 42.1 guineas, and our yearly total is 5571 of which a whooping 1575 is drawn from the census. Inflation is at 0% but prices still appear to be rising. It costs over 1000 pounds to build each of the many industrial centers we have embarked upon.

 

I have many sleepless nights during 1642, fate has always had a way of ensuring that major historical events have occured, but the year passes with no civil war. Our Regency by Parliamentary commitee continues the search for a King, but unless there's a Platagenet out there none of us know about, there is no danger of us coronating anyone yet. I fortify India, France, and the three northern English provinces, as our Naval ineptitude makes us susceptible to invasion. I share the boost that our economy produces with our allies, their economic situation is no where near as advanced, so I hope they use the money wisely. When the threat of civil war has abated I build recruitment centers in Southern England, though as yet, our “fleet” of 6 warships will be unable to transport the troops across the channel. Poland has another bash at the Teutons, taking 113 cases of Heineken just a month after the war started. The Russians and Kazanis must have been angered at their use by Poland in raising money every 5 years as they leave the alliance and Russia promptly declares war in Kazan. I watch with interest, because if Russia looks like improving from their woeful record, I will start making gestures to get them in our camp, I still fear for the Eastern and Southern borders of Austria. By 1645, instead of fighting the Battle of Naseby, our New Model Army is still sitting peacefully in France. The Russians fail miserably again and wind up paying Kazan 133 Smirnoffs to stop them dropping large metal balls through the walls of their cities. The French at last appear to have a monarch of sane mind, but I fear they may restart the madness again should Louis XIV show up.

 

In 1646 my peaceful life of sipping Bourgogne wine, and bedding French women comes to an end when Portugal decides to declare war on Holland. The Portugese have managed to amass a slew of allies for this encounter, the faithfull Georgians, hapless Mameluks, Venetians, Swedes, Milan, and our French friends. I order our siege unit off to Gay Parie, but question whether to send troops through Germany to help Austria deal with Venice and Milan. Before Milan ran out of Princesses willing to leave Italy for Rochdale our spies there noted an army of 100,000 men. I begin our war effort with a large heap of cash heading to Austria and a decision of whether or not to send Cromwell on a visit round Europe. We've found a Portugese city in Indus, so as soon as the cannons are cast in Bombay we'll be able to wish them a very good morning.

 

As soon as I see that Milan does indeed have that army intact, and that they are using it in Helvetia I feel it's time for us to test our army. He has a circuitous route to get there from Burgogne, via Calais Flanders, and then south through Germany, but I have to help our allies. I order a levy in Calais, Ollie will be able to pick them up on his way.

 

The year turns to 1647 and the poor inhabitants if the Marches, still nursing soreness from the visit of the Scots wake up one morning to find 8,000 men named Sven sharing their province. The Swedes have been the most aquatic mammals of the last century showing up in Ireland, Flanders when they fought Spain, and now they decide to have a bash at the center of the Empire. I send a nameless General northwards to exchange plasantries. On the other side of the world we have our one and only bash at the protaganists of this war as we meet and crush the Protugese in Indus. In March, the inevitable happens, and Paris falls, they should tear  down the walls and make it open city, it would save us all a lot of inconvenience. I find it ironic, that in the French Kingdom's most peaceful time that they should be dragged into a war by Portugal. I'm beginning to feel that this is just a Portugese plot to destabalize central Europe, as neither ourselves, nor any of our allies have seen anyone from Portugal do any fighting. I send more money to Austria, they need it, the bulk of this war is being fought out in their provinces. Cromwell continues the Long March, though he can console himself that we're not fighting Poland.

 

On April 28th my attention is drawn away from the Austrian hills, and back to France where the Spanish have decided to declare war on us. I don't know what I've done to deserve this. In 150 years I have never declared war on anyone, I've sent money and the best looking princesses rennaisance dentistry can provide around the courts of Europe, and now half of Christendom, and beyond are at war with me. I decide to spare my allies, as despite the Spanish alliance looking good on paper, I know that their allies won't be able to attack me.

 

I dispatch Fairfax and another siege force to Guyenne where they will wait for Prince Rupert to clear a path for them to begin the siege war. I move my colonial armies into Spanish territory, and spotting 65,000 Frenchmen walking across Normandy I send Monck to intercept them. It never fails to amaze me that France can produce that many men for war. The Austrians are too busy sieging Milan with the rest of our coalition to look up and see the state of Helvetia, I just hope Cromwell arrives in time. The final marching orders on opening day of hunting, is to move the Paris guns to Artois and have at the Burgundians.

 

On May 18th Cromwell's epic march ends with a bloody victory in Helvetia. Despite being outnumbered, his leadership, and the overwhelming technical edge our army possess drive out the Venitians and Milanese, but not before they leave 20,000 men behind either dead, or shortly bound for an Indian colony. I find it distasteful to execute prisoners of war, it's far more profitable to ship them out to the colonies, where diasese and the natives can do that job for me. Being at war with Spain gives me one bonus, Cromwell can walk back the short way, and I order him to Franche Comte.

 

To the south, there is no sign of the Spanish army, so I send Rupert to storm Bearn, and our siege units to Rousillon and Languedoc. On June 16th Cromwell assaults Lyonnaise and sacks the city. All I can say is better there than Wexford. In the north, Monck lost contact with that French army, and they evade him all the way to Nivernaise. I send him to pursue and save the Palatines from siege. In July, the outcome of the war is decided when Rupert sacks Bearn, I withdraw his army to Gascogne, and in an effort to piss off the French I send Cromwell to siege Dauphine. The Burgundians are broke, so I'll deal with them later. In the Battle of Auxerre, Monck dispatches the French force to eternal judgement, and our troops are paraded through the streets where the gracious German citizens shower them with sauerkraut in the traditional way. Monck informs me that the French are still using Pikemen, with nothing more dangerous than an insult as ranged fire. Their costly wars have crippled any chance of researching technology.

 

Having destroyed Dauphine Cromwell is ordered to Franche Compte for a bit of plunder. With the war going this well I intend to force a seperate peace out of Burgundy and bankrupt them. In November Rousillon, Languedoc and Artois have fallen to our sieges, while Cromwell treats the citizens of Burgundy to 30,000 English football fans armed with muskets. Needless to say, not much of the city remains intact.

 

In January 1648 I inform the Burgundian government that the scourge of France is on it's way to their remaining cities, so I demand 750 guineas and receive 205 of that in the hastily drawn up peace agreement. The decision to shelve the navy in light of our strategerarryaryry situation in France has paid dividends. The strength of our armies is unmatched. I don't bother to have that money delivered to the exchequer, and instead fed ex it to Austria.

 

During all this action, I have forgotten of the war with France, and I get desperate pleas for peace from their hapless King. I refuse to entertain offers which will break the unity of the coalition in this war. When Spain began hostilities, I fully intended to only extract several pounds of flesh from their coffers. However, Cromwell’s long march and the strategic outpost Spain possess in Auvergne prompt me to change horses and look for new land. Taking Lyonnaise and Auvergne will boot the Spanish out of all but Southwest France, and give us a border with Austria, so I order Cromwell to Auvergne and prepare the draft of the peace treaty.

 

Meanwhile, across the Alps in The War of Portugese Invisibility, our coalition is dismantling Venice, Milan, and Genoa. On Febrary 16th Cromwell takes Auvergne, and I send for Cardinal Fang and read him our terms. Lacking fear, surprise, or rutheless efficiency, the Spaniards have been defeated in every battle of the war, and my generous terms are hungrily accepted. When the Treaty of Marbella is signed a few weeks later, after a rigourous three week fact-finding mission to the as yet unspoiled Spanish coastline, our French possessions are increased by Auvergne and Lyonnaise. While I am away sunning myself in Spain, our allies have captured Milan, and the somewhat greedy Dutch decide to annex it. Another province they can't control, and as the Milanese have been quite resourceful in throwing off the shackles of both French and Lorraine rule, I can't see the Dutch having much luck there. The Swedes show up in Ireland, though not for a restful holiday, and my army dispatches them back from whence they came in good order.

 

Our coalition partners are having great fun in the Mediterranean where they now remember that they are at war with France, and turn on Savoie. Not since that country was independent have I seen the Austrians enjoying themselves so much, and by the end of 1649 the province falls. I send our budget to the allies who turn their army of four nations upon Mantua. On February 1st 1649 having distinguished himself in the field, General Cromwell is ruler of the nation. Digging up an old title I found that belonged to the long dead Norfolk I name Cromwell Lord Protector of England, Ireland, and L'Empire D'Angevin. If there was any opposition to the move, they keep quite in the face of the 40,000 troops stationed in London. We now have our first decent monarch since Elizabeth, and a democracy of sorts. Although not an elected ruler, Cromwell has no power without Parliament, and as we are no a republic, the Royal customs which James and Charles used to finance their lifestyles has been transferred to the Legislature.

 

I can't go anywhere these days without some irateFrenchman running after me and offering Dauphine in exchange for peace. As tempting as another province might be I continually refuse. I want to see out the war with our allies, and not have to bargain seperate peace deals should the Portugese every bother to end the war they started. On August 24th Mantua falls and the German tour of Italy continues with a spot of shopping in Venice. In another irony of history, the long Venetian survival was due to them taking the Papal States during our early wars with France. Now their former benefactor is supplying the money for the destruction of their provinces. When Venice falls in 1650, Austria makes peace with them in return for Istria. The Austrians finally have a port, and their expansion in Europe is now far bigger than even our own. To celebrate the victory, and in a thinly veiled excuse for a vacation on the Istrian coast I travel with the Duke of Northumberland's daughter to what will soon be her new home of wedded bliss with some Austrian count. Her wrench at leaving Newcastle will be amply compensated for a life of majesty on the Adriatic. The Netherlands also make peace with Venice taking Romangne rather than the more logical choice of Emilia in return for peace. Perhaps the King of Holland simply sticks a pin in a map when faced with such decisions because his European provinces are scattered all over the place. His German states have been in rebel hands for more than 10 years.

 

The allies turn their attention to France, the last country Portugal has fed to the lions. Meanwhile in an interesting change of pace on the Baltic, the Teutonic Knights have preempted Poland's declaration of war against them by unilateraly attacking the largest kingdom in Europe. I begin thinking, that perhaps German scientists have developed the Stuka, otherwise their confidence might be slightly overstated when the fighting starts.

 

How the mighty have fallen, France pays single province Kleves 250 francs to go away and leave them alone, I dont stop laughing for a week. The Dutch end their landgrab by making peace with the French in return for Savoy. Now had they taken Emilia, our Dutch friends would have a nice block of real estate in Northern Italy, but I predict the rebels to overwhelm them down there. Predictably, there was no dive bombing of Poland, and The Teutonic Lemmings are annexed. I send another member of the nobility to Holland to cement the ties between our nations even further, and give William of Orange a little English blood just in case we have to rid ourselves of another Stuart down the road.

 

There is still no sign of the Portugese, so I make peace with them for 250 crowns. I'm not sure whether they forgot that they were at war, or were content in some evil manner to watch their allies torn to shreds, but either way we are now back at peace. In 1653 Savoy declares their independence, and in return for Dutch stupidity, all our allies abandon the alliance. I agree to the war as there are only three diplomats who can read sitting about the court, and I send them to rebuild our coalition. Savoy offers a white peace almost immediately so we can at last begin the more peacefull business of colonizing India.

 

Peace lasts just a few short months when Spain again declares war in September. I must claim my share of responsility for the war as it began due to an enormous misunderstanding. Looking at the latest charts of the known world, I noticed that Spain had settled almost all of South America, but their Argentine possessions were still only tradeposts. That gave me an idea, and so the "Maradonna Project" began. It was all innocent enough, with no settlement in modern day Argentina, it became obvious to me that the forefathers of Diego Maradonna must live somewhere in Spain. I sent a number of agents to Spain to check Parish records and try to find families with that surname and either tempt them with gold, or kidnap them and resettle them in Ireland. The prospect of winning the World Cup was just too much. Unfortunately the Spanish government noticed large numbers of agents with terribly false moustaches roaming about their country and naturaly assumed we were spying on them. So along with Spain, comes Burgundy, Cologne, Tuscany, Genoa and Scotland all prepared to attack. I decide that my allies are too war weary to help out, and so go it alone again. The Scots used to put the fear of God into us over the threat of invasion, but Northern England is a fortress, and I have a substantial army to fend them off with.

 

I decide on the same tactics of the last war, siege Southern French cities, and attack Burgundy with Cromwell, who was gung ho about returning to the field. At the same time, I send my colonials back to Alabama where the undefended colonies there are easy prey. On October 17th we suffer our first defeat for many years when the assualt on Franche Compte is repulsed. No doubt, the garrison there remembers the last visit Cromwell made, and they put up a hell of a fight. Meanwhile the Scots under General Leslie arrive in the Marches. They have brought a group of 75,000 troops, as the largest unused army in all Europe finally get the chance to strut their stuff. I leave my army in Yorkshire to test how well built the forts are on the border, and to see how many Scots turn to cannibalism when the food runs out. On November 16th I am caught completely by surprise when the Mughal Empire declares war. Again , I don't call on the coalition to help out, as I'm not sure how useful landlocked Kleves would be in a war taking place 5000 miles away. This is a real threat to our empire. Our fortresses out there are still relatively small, and while we have 14,000 troops on the east coast, we only have regiments totaling 4,000 men on the most probable axis of advance in Bombay. Complicating the matter somewhat is the fact that the last boat out of Bombay carried news that there were 75,000 angry Moghuls on their way to the city.

 

In December, the Moghul horde reach Bombay, and I fear that they won't bother with a siege, but will simply scale the walls. It was time for a sacrifice, and the 4,287 men of the Lancashire regiment of foot, and 621 horsemen attached to them were going to have to make it. I ordered them to advance on Bombay and drive off the invaders. Meanwhile nearer home the reinforced army of Scotland was about to have it's first battle with our army. On December 25th 1653 the battles commenced. In the Marches our force of 40,000 squared off against 95,000 hungry barbarians and sent sent them back over the border minus 20,000 of their fallen. By the time they reached Lothian, I estimated that they would be finished so I ordered a pursuit into Scotland. In the furthest extremity of our possessions, colonial legend was born as the Lancashires attacked 76,000 infantry and cavalry in Bombay. Forming squares in the plains outside the city, the soldiers repulsed charges for two days, in the face of overwhelming odds. While we could not inflict many casualties on the Moghuls, their moral was breaking as the redcoats formed smaller and smaller squares while their number dwindled in the raging heat of India. On December 27 the last English trooper fell in battle, but though our force was wiped out they forced the Moghuls to retreat. The sacrifice of those brave men and officers was not in vain, as the Moghuls accepted a white peace immediately after the battle. The battle of Bombay saved our Indian cities, as with no fleet we could never hope to get enough men from England out there.

 

With the start of 1654 I place funds for a memorial in Liverpool, and orders to Cormwell to try again, and assault Franche Compte. By the 27th Rousillon and the Burgundian capital are in our hands. We recive bad news from Scotland when dispatches announce the loss of almost our entire army in Lothian. The Scots were reinforced from the highlands and brutalized our tired force. Energized by their victory, the Scots again cross the border and lay siege to the most modern fortifications in all Europe. In May Artois falls, and our fleet sees off the Scottish warships patrolling our waters. On the southern front, Rupert is sent to Rousillon to head off a large Spanish force crossing the Pyrenees. Our naval fortunes continue, as a fleet of 7 warships breaks the Spanish blockade of the south coast. The rest of the year passes with our siege forces doing their work, and packing for a trip to the Spanish coast to negotiate a favorable peace. We allow Burgundy peace in exchange for the contents of their treasury, a whopping 45 crowns, I resist the temptation to spend it all at once. Our newly raised Home army is sent to the Marches where attrition has wiped out the Scottish siege force. This time their pursuit is more successful as we follow up in Lothian by taking the Scottish capital. I withdraw the army in Scotland and prepare for the New Year when we will make peace with our foes.

 

I estimate that we have sent around 1200 guineas to the Scots over the years, and we claim 210 of that back in the peace treaty. The poor Burgundians are the target of a French declaration of war, but France has to contend with Burgundy's allies, Cologne, Tuscany and Parma. The Savoyans have strengthened their bid to stay independent with a siege of Milan. The Spanish war enters a strange phase, as the Genoan, and Parma army engage Rupert in Rousillon, now that they are free to roam through France. They regret their march however as Rupert slaughters them. I arrange a Royal Marriage with Saxony, although we don't have any royals left, they don't seem to mind high ranking nobles instead. I want to promote goodwill in Germany as the Habsburgs have yet to rebuild their army. Perhaps those nations will think twice of pillaging the Austrian Empire if we remain on good terms. France ends it's latest military blunder by shipping 217 francs to Cologne, they have just dropped below pathetic in our assessment of their government. We finally make peace with Spain on January 1st 1657. We collect the full 1250 guineas from them, and having spent almost all of the last 14 years at war we can at last put our resources back into trade and colonization. England has been the premiere world power for most of this century, and our military machine has proved capable of holding off the largest forces arrayed against us. I have a lot of work to do, India needs to be secured, garrisons rebuilt and a plan put in place to prepare for the invasion of the Mughal Empire. Like the Iroquois problem I do not intend to allow a hostile power to exist near the source of our wealth, and the destruction of Mysore and The Moghuls may be many years away, but it is our next goal.

 

We spend the next several years in peace, having taught the rutheless princes of Europe caution through our success on the field. The Mameluks take time out from surrendering to the Turks to go to war with mighty Cyranaica. We help elect Leopold of Austria to the position of Holy Roman Emperor, and the Austrians use this peaceful time to rebuild their country. In 1658 Cromwell has to retire from his position in the army, as the business of state becomes a full time job. The "Buther of Bordeaux" reluctantly leaves the army he helped reform, but should take some comfort from the opulant surroundings of the Royal Palace. Cromwell has matured from the eager young revolutionary responsible for blowing up King Charles, to a forceful and disciplined ruler. He's also a bit of a bore, he doesn't drink, smoke, gamble or chase women so life around the Palace will be a little dry for the next few years.

 

For some reason the Tuscans decide to attack Cyranaica, obviously the land values in the desert of North Africa are higher than we have estimated, the Mameluks end their war by giving up Nile, at least it makes a change from them donating money and land to Turkey. All my time and effort is spent sending eager young families to their deaths in India, and Indo-China as the colonial effort out there is enormous. I have fortified the existing Indian cities, and built a modest standing army but their defeat at the hands of only 5,000 white devils at Bombay keeps the existing Indian nations quiet. After only two years in the position, Cromwell's heart fails and we are once again thrown into a dynastic crisis. Ollie threw himself into the business of government in a similar fury to how he threw his men against fortifications in the last war, and was a tolerant and advanced leader. He promoted education, a free press, he reduced the sentences for petty crimes, and although a commited puritan, he allowed other religions the tolerance to practice. Unfortunately when this happened I was incommunicado on my annual retreat to Istria, so imagine my shock when I return home to find fat-bastard on the throne. The Royalists in the government could no longer tolerate the ravages of democracy and decide to bring an overpaid, lazy Stuart back and place him on the throne of England. It took me 30 years to stamp out that line last time, but like cocroaches, if you don't kill them all they'll be back. Our new "leader" has been living in Paris these last few years and rather than his father's Glasweigan lilt, has a French one. Oh this is sweet, each day I am forced to listen to him drags up the memories of our hundred years war with France.

 

After only two years on the throne, I have noticed Charles's affect on the nation. Income and trade are plumetting, and we don't have enough diplomats to send around Europe, as the men in Charles's employ spend the entire day telling him how nice his wig looks. We have entered a fashion horror show, when for some reason, not content with tights and cuffs down to the ass, the latest oufit in London is not replete without a horse hair wig falling down to the shoulders. I spend vast somes of money building manufacturies in our cotton producing provinces in the vain hope that someone will invent jeans.

 

I move my staff to Orleans, partly to avoid the plague and fire of London that's coming up, but more so to avoid the King. I vehemently hope, that some flea ridden rat will bite Charles on the ass, and let those fleas work their fatal charms on him, but alas he survives. The Brandon Library burns to the ground in the fire, so I have to fork up more money to have it replaced.

 

On my trip to Austria in 1667 I notice the enormous amount of work they are putting into building fortresses. This is good news, the more money our allies spend defending themselves, the less chance we have of being dragged into a war with Kazan because their ambassodor used the wrong fork at dinner. In 1668 France again goes to war, this time picking Burgundy as the target. Unwittingly they start a world war of the largest alliances I have ever seen. Portugal, The Mameluks, Venice, Sweden, and Hansa join the French, while Spain, Cologne, Turkey, Genoa and Scotland jump in with Burgundy. We watch with amusement from the provinces which give us an insight into the war. A month later Naples and Sardinia also declare war on France. We send the King of Naples money to pursue his new hobby.

 

Once again, Paris falls under siege from Cologne, while making up for their inactvity in the previous war, Portugal lands troops to fight in Languedoc. The French pay of mighty Cologne with 63 francs, while the Venetians see their empire crumble a little more giving up Mantua to Tuscany. I hope that they read their history in that nation and realize that they were once successfully allied to us, before deciding that we were heretical scum. A glance across the Adriatic at the booming Empire of Austria should be an unplesant reminder of the success they missed out on. France pay off Burgundy with 271 francs, but due to the intracasies of diplomacy they are still at war with half the world. A year later, the province of Dauphine will be serving paella, as the Spanish wrest it from France in another peace. Not to be outdone, the Poles decide that as they have no more easy pickings on the Baltic, they should get around to attacking the Turks. The Mamelukes decide for a war of revenge, dragging their entire alliance into a war with Turkey.

 

We've been fortunate to stay out of all this madness. It's funny, but a spot of imperialism demonstrates how worthless the European provinces are compared to the Orient. A city of 700 in Bombay produce almost as much for our coffers than the 400,000 Flemish citizens in our richest European province. The French fall to new depths as they pay off Naples with 250, I'm invited to the victory parade, so it's off to Bari for a month.

 

In 1677 disaster happens again, our alliance expires and the diplomat heading to Austria mistakenly carried a Royal marriage proposal instead of an invitation to the Grand Coalition, by the time the mistake has been rectified Austria has joined another power block, and we have to bid farewell to our trusted friends. I have little hope of getting them back, alliances are almost always perpetualy extended by war, but I do travel to Berne, for the unveiling of the Cromwell Monument, a statue commenorating his 700 mile march to relieve that city during the war with Milan. Despite the limited number of literates around court, I do manage to get Kleves and Holland back in, and add Palatine later that year. Hanover finally sees sense, and join the alliance, which should ensure their survival.

 

In May, the Moslem world is shocked by the news that Turkey has lost their first war. Of all people, the gritty Georgians force them to give up Crimea, Kerch and 250 coins. I shudder as I remember the Georgians showing up in Roanoke and attacking us, and staying at war with Spain for 10 years. That may be the only nation in Europe that I still fear. France loses their last Mediterranean province when they cede Provence to Algiers of all people. I decide that the King of Paris is no longer the King of France, and merely the King of Anjou. They hold only the Brittany coast and Paris from what was once the richest state in Europe. The Turks probably gain little comfort from their loss to Georgia by demanding Illyria from the crumbling Kindom of Venice, but it means that if anyone had the mind, the wealth of Venice could be up for grabs as they seem quite defenceless.

 

In 1681 Austria returns to their favorite pastime of attacking German states with a war against Bohemia. Venice have delusions of grandeur by declaring war on Austria a month later. Our last war hero, Prince Rupert dies in May, and is interred next to Cromwell, Norfolk and Brandon in the Abbey of Westminster. Meanwhile, the lingering conflicts caused by France's attack on Burgundy continue, Sweden deals a blow to Kazan ensuring that we will never see a Kazani taking an Olympic ski jump medal by taking Ostlandet and Trondelag. Venice pays off Austria with 63 crowns, while Russia reopen their 200 years of war with Kazan with yet another stab at winning a war.

 

In 1685 Marlborough arrives, and I send the finest General to wear a redcoat to India. I have no desires to be embroiled in another European war, but I am still tempted by the riches of Mysore and The Mughal Empire. For now, we continue plowing time and effort into settlement in Indo China, as our borders slowly creep closer to the Middle Kingdom. I hope that the Emperor of China is sleeping restlessly as we approach his lands. Russia finally wins one, and takes Lipetsk and 125 roubles from the shrinking Kazan. Charles II dies in February 1685, and we are saddled with his worthless son James II. I don't bother to go meet him, I know he will not last long.

 

The peoples occupying modern day Thailand, Vietnam, and Cambodia put up a strong but ultimatley futile resistance to our mission to civilize them. I have to shout oh Phuket when our colony there is massacred. The peace in England has not filtered across our borders, as Europe is again embroiled in a huge alliance war when the King of Portugal goes crazy and declares war on Spain. I put his behaviour down to their recent Royal marriage with France. It's nice to see the genes of Crazy Francoise perpetuate. Knowing time is short for King Jimbo, I set up a Royal marriage with Holland, sending Princess Mary off to Willhelm of Orange.

 

Our alliance expires again, this time while all my diplomats are servicing the King in one way or another, so I hope they'll resist the temptation to join anyone else while I scramble around trying to dig up a civil servant to send to our allies. It takes almost a year to get everyone back into our bed, but once again we share the burden of promoting civilization and righteousness with Holland, Kleves, Palatine and Hanover. The Dutch have been happy to fill in the void left by France in colonizing Canada, South Africa, and the Dutch East Indies. In February 1688 the Glorious Revolution occurs, and we throw James II back to the Stuart's apartment in Paris. In his place Parliament selects his daughter Mary, and The King of Holland who is only slightly miffed at having to change his name from Willhelm to William. The real power in the country has shifted from the monarch to Parliament, who now control almost every aspect of government. Our Royalty can now concern themselves with buying clothes and politely waving to crowds as the business of running the country is firmly in the hands of more professional, and less in-bred politicians. I see an immediate boost to our economy, and surge in the diplomatic corps. I am joined in Orleans, by the Dutch military attache, Stadtholder Johan Cruyff.

 

Portugal soon sees the folly of war and pays Spain off with 30 crowns, but the shock of the century occurs later when Venice forces a peace with Spain, claiming 250 maracas. I have no idea how they did it, perhaps the Spanish army was in siesta when the Venetians attacked, but I double checked the report to ensure I wasn't having a bout of madness. Austria, bloated with the success and stability 100 years of partnership with England can bring, annex Moldavia. We send our congratulations with a "hurry back,we miss you in our alliance" card. Hallmark have set up shop in London and are busy trying to create holidays for us to spend money on, but until then, they have a wide variety of novelty diplomatic messages to choose from.

 

In 1696 Russia reopens hostilities with Kazan and receives Tambow as the result of a short war. The Russians have finally put a string of victories together and they may get out of the Group qualifiers in time for the world cup. Our Empire has expanded further, and further east until we reach Hanoi in 1697. We now have a city bordering the wealth of China. As I gaze my eyes across the map I am considering testing our army with a campaign. The wealth of our nation is balanced on the spice and china products from the east, but my econimists have told me that China produces more of those products than we do. The richess of that nation can only be imagined.

 

I have to cancel my Chinese adventure in May 1698, when after an unprecedented 41 years of peace, we are once again at war. The Elector of Palatine wishes to unite his disconnected provinces, and the unfortunates in Burgundy happen to be occupying that land. Burgundy has no allies, so provided we give some support, and they aren't complete idiots Palatine should be able to take the northern Burgundy provinces without much problem.

 

I move the Army of Flanders to relieve Nivernaise, and we offer battle on the morning of June 6th. We win the fight, but only just. It appears that Burgundy has a technology close to our own, and I can see now how they easily dispatched the French in their series of wars. On the 17th we fight another close run battle in Luxembourg, and I am a little uncomfortable that our technological advantage has eroded. With the speed of invention during the 1650's I had hoped for gattling guns, and eventutally tanks gently rolling across Europe by the turn of the century, but either the proposed patents are too stupid to consider, or require an industrial base that we will not possess for two hundred years. After only three months, The Elector of Palatine sees the folly of this war and signs a white peace. I am a little worried, our last war demonstrated the awesome power of the new inventions, but now Europe is catching us up, espicially the smaller nation states. From our experience in the war I estimate that Burgundy is second only to us in terms of military tactics, and I hope that all our allies have learnt the Elector's mistake.

 

Scanning intelligence reports from the Med I notice that Provence has a force of 75,000 troops in their province. It's amazing that the Free French there, and in Burgundy have managed to build such military might, while their brothers in the Kingdom of Anjou still have stands for their arquebois. I also wonder, how nations such as Provence and Cologne manage to have so many men-at-arms. It took me 50 years to amass that many troops, and we were a rich nation then. I arrange a Royal marriage with Venice, the more connections we have in Europe, the less chance some loose cannon will declare war in bring half of Europe down against us. The alliances these days are huge.

 

In 1702 Mary dies, and William is politely asked to leave the country at his earliest convenience. William was an able leader, and despite my suggestion that we keep him the thought of a foreign King is too much at this time. If only these fools would listen to me, we're destined to have a foreign king in a couple of years anyway, why not hang on to this one in the meantime? I am astounded by the problems of fertillity within the monarchy. There have only been a handful of natural successions, the last real one being Edward VI taking over from the Great Hal, since them we have had a long line of sideways inheritance, and a lottery system to pick the Head of State.

 

In 1704 Austria declares war on Bohemia, and as things are quite at home, I head to Vienna to see how our former allies fare. Austria is joined in war by Naples, Sweden, Spain, Poland and the Papal States. That's a group which would give us a hard time should the Spanish become unhinged and declare war. Despite our seperate alliances, the nations of England and Austria remain the closest of friends, and I fervently hope that we never see the day when our nations are at war because of Spain. The Poles attack Silesia, while the Austrian army of 88,000 men forms up and marches on Erz. The Austrians have a very different doctrine to ourselves. During peace they scatter small detachments around a strong central core, and during war they combine and march on one target. Their secondary force usualy screens in a friendly province, and the result is that it costs a fortune to replace the attrition losses. I prefer a few self contained armies, loaded with our famous cavalry during peacetime located near obvious lines of advance, and some small siege units in safe provinces behind the lines. Our battle plan is usually to destroy the enemy's field army. The siege units of 10,000 infantry, 110 guns, and a sprinkling of cavalry then siege with very few losses to starvation which I see as a ruinous waste of money and men. Our key provinces are very heavily fortified, and should we be outmaneuvered, the enemy will lose men and morale as our field armies close in to destroy them. These tactics have stood up through a hundred years of conflict in France, and are particularly well suited to the terrain there. Perhaps Austrian logistics is the motivation for their doctrine.

 

By late 1704 the Bohemian army has ceased to exist, and their cities are under siege. The Austrians have tried repeatedly to storm Erz, and by all accounts the losses have been awful. In 1705 the folly of Austria's policies outide our guidance lead to the disaster of Philip V of Spain being elected Holy Roman Emperor. That post has been an obssesion for the Austrian Kings, and I can only speculate to the dissapointment, and round of executions going on a few miles away in the Royal Palace. Erz takes until 1706 to fall, and the Bohemians pay off Poland with 140 marks. I continue my Austrian sabbatical, noting that my underlings back home have sealed contracts for marriages with Tuscany and Genoa. Russia goes to war again with Kazan, and in a remarkable turnaround from 200 years of defeat Russia annexes Kazan in 1707.

 

Austria is worn out from war, and their unpopularity in the German states and accepts 73 marks as compensation from Bohemia. The war was a disaster, but it gives me comfort that if the Bohemian fortresses can stall the 200,000 troops that set about them, that our series of forts around the Empire will be impregnable. I return to Orleans and continue our diplomatic moves, buying the friendship of Russia, and shipping some poor unfortunate child out there to marry the barbarian Tzar's cousin. The money I have spent on diplomacy is for one reason, I intend to annex the wealth of China. Having not declared war since the 1520's we have amassed our territory and wealth through defensive aquisitions and colonialism. However, our success bred jealousy among the European courts, and I want to ensure that we are not treated as pariahs for our actions. I ignore Spain, Anjou, and Poland, I cannot bring myself to court the princes of those hated states, but elsewhere we are very well liked through Italy and Germany. I care nothing for the Heathen Turks, or the other states of bigamy.

 

I spend the next several years preparing for war. It cannot start until the last unfinished Colony in Indo-China is complete, and the army there will rely on self recruitment. The levies drawn from India, Burma and Vietnam are now trained red coats and loyal subjects of the Empire. I took a very slow, and deliberate process of colonization in the far East. Wherever possible I let the native population regenerate before sending another colonist that might result in their attack. While it has cost a fortune in money and men, the city sizes of the East can sustain their own field armies. I form armies in all the provinces from Santal to Hanoi, and transfer Marlborough to command there. His military education has been superb, and in theory he may be the finest commander we have had, the coming years will either prove or disprove his potential.

 

On January 1st 1713 War is declared between the Angevin Empire and China. Try as I might to disguise the fact that we are revenging Chinese raids across our borders there is a certain amount of distrust at home and abroad. Our nation is no longer toughend by the French wars, having grown fat off mercantilism the last century. The government stability plummets, but we have enough cash to buy off any would be problem makers in Parliament. Before the war began I arranged a meeting with Neeskens, Fischer, and Stelike, the military attaches of our allies and explained that we would be in this conflict alone, but promised them a large subsidy of the plunder in return for their continued friendship.