Here's a story of my own stupid attempt at love magik:
It all started durring my last year of college. It's hard watching all of your friends find love if you've never had the experience yourself. It's especially hard when every tarrot reading, and mystical aide that you've ever looked at points to you being a virgin for the rest of your life.
Here's a short rundown of all the things I've found that point to my eternal loneliness: I was born a Virgo; I live and was born in Virginia (it was named after the Virgin Queen); when I did the destiny runes on my self, I got Kano reversed (I forget which possition, but it was something like my nature, or inner beeing or something) which basicaly means a torch, or sacred flame reversed: meaning a flame inside of me is always out, a torch that is never lit (I don't know, maybe I misinterpeted it. But to me, the flame means sex, and that I'll never get any); in the same reading, for the position of my cross to bear, I got the protection rune (It's the one that kind of looks like a broom or a tree branch, I don't remember it's name) which means (from my own interpertations and meditations on it) that I protect myself so well that it's very hard for me let someone get close enough so that I might love them and they could love me in return.*
So now that I've told you my sob story, I should also tell you that when I was younger, before I was around all of my dating college friends and such, all of this information made me exctatic. Joan of Arc has always been a great heroine of mine (I did my senior project in highschool on her), and my main goddess is Athena, and it used to be Artemis (the two really famous virgin goddesses in the Greek pantheon). I even went so far as to chose to go to an all girl college (the only one in the world with an all female corp of cadets) because of all this. I think the reason why I thought like this was that I had a bit of a Peter Pan Syndrome thing going on where I refused to grow up. And dating was a yucky grown up thing. My friends in high school didn't date either, so I never really knew what I was missing out on.
And then I went to college.
Let me tell you about going to an all girl school. The only reasons that a girl would voluntarily choose an all girl environment would be one of the following: She's a lesbian; she's very religious; she's painfuly shy; or she knows she can't be around guys if she wants good grades. I guess I probably fall in the painfully shy category more so than the religous. I've never been able to talk to guys.
Most of my friends in the ROTC program I was in, unlike me, were of the type who knew they couldn't be around guys if they wanted good grades, which basically meant they went down to VMI or JMU to satisfy their fix. So I got to see all of my freinds with guys almost every weekend. Seeing how happy they were, I finally realized what I was missing. And I was suddenly very, very lonely, even though I'd always been fine on my own before.
I talked to the Goddess about it, asked for her help. Her message was confusing, but I think she told me that I wasn't meant for love, that perhaps for some reason in a past life, I wouldn't have it in this one. I think maybe it's a punishment for something I did. What I may have done, I have no idea. I don't know, I may have even given it up voluntarily. Maybe it's my punishment for thinking it would be cool to be like Artemis or Joan of Arc when I was younger. I don't know.
During those last couple years at school, I think I must have begged the Goddess every day to send me somone, anyone, that I could be happy with. She would hug me and hold me, and consule me, and eventually she sent me the God. Honestly, before that time, I'd never had much to do with the God. When ever a rite came up that invovled the God, I always played the part in my rituals (like when the Holy king would take out the Oak king, or the other way around, I'd play out the battle in my head with me being the winning party), and I never really tried to talk to him. It had always been the Goddess I went to. The face that the God put on when I first met him was a scary one, I first met him as the death angel (he looked somewhat like a dragon/human, or perhaps a crocodile? He may have been one of the Egyptian God's then, I don't know. I'll talk about this story in some future entry). So I'd been actually trying to avoid him even more then usual since then.
The face that he wore when the Goddess sent him to console me was of that of Pan. In the other world, all he wanted was me and I was perfect to him. It was great, but I'm not going to get into the details of that vision. I'm sure you can make acurate guesses about it based on the face that he showed me. If you can't guess, I'd highly recomend getting a book on the Greek Gods and reading about that Pantheon. It's one of the most well known and most widely used Pantheon in the pagan comunity. And even if you aren't pagan, I'd still say go get that book. It can't hurt to have the rudiments of a classical education under your belt.
But beyond sending me the God, the Goddess said she couldn't do anything else for me. I was so depressed. Then I read one of those free web comics, it was called red string. It was about how everyone was connected to thier true love by a red string. I thought about this and then sat to meditate to see if I could find one. And to my surprise, I did! I was so happy, I followed it with my mind's eye all the way to its source. I saw a guy with dark hair choping wood. I admit, I had trouble seeing him clearly, it's always kind of like that when ever I have a vision. I can see it okay durring it, but afterwards it always has the fuzzy quality of dreams. But I remember very clearly feeling his mind. I've never felt anything more perfect, and I felt whole for the first time - it was great. I tried talking to him. I told him to find me, that I was lonely and that I wanted him with me. I felt some confusion from him so I think he recognized me on some level, but I'm not really sure. Anyways, I was really, really happy, either way. I finally knew that there was some one out there just for me.
Then my happiness ended.
The next time I went to follow the red string to him, to see him again, I ran into the Goddess. She told me that I had to cut the string, that I couldn't visit him again. I was devastated. I asked her why, but her only response was to hand me a pair of sissors. So I cut the string.
After that, I was a little angry at her. I assumed she'd done it because it wasn't our time yet to be together, or perhaps we aren't supposed to meet in this life at all, but she's never told me. I don't even know what cutting the string means. Does it mean we aren't connected anymore? That we'll never meet? I've been too scared to confront the Goddess about it since the event... I don't think I really want to know...
This all happened my Sophmore year of college, so when my senior year came up and I was still alone with no sign or symbol indicating the soon arival of my true love, I decided that I needed to force the issue a little. I knew instictively that it was wrong to force someone to love me. I'd also seen The Craft (which, by the way, I highly recomend) and knew about what could happen if I screwed up a love spell (you remeber when Sarah cast that love spell on that jerk and he ended up trying to rape her he was so desperate for her?), plus, I wouldn't want to force myself on someone else like that.
So I decided to cast a spell on myself instead.
You see, that's what all the books say to do. When you read about love spells from reputable scources, they all say that you can ask for loving energies to suround you, or you can put out a general call to the universe, or something generic and safe like that where you aren't influencing an individual agianst his or her will. Well, I decided I'd had enough of being by myself. I wanted to know love. And I thought the summer after senior year would be a very opportune time. After all, I was starting a new life. What better time to change my single status? Also, I was doing an intership at an outdoor theatre company as a carpenter. A job which is guarenteed to suround you with boys. And most girls seem to have luck meeting guys at summer camp and the like (at least on TV and the movies they do), so I thought maybe it would work for me too. So I did one of those spells where I asked the universe to send me someone to love. And I gave the spell an ultimatum. I said I would fall in love with someone by the end of that summer (the main thing that I used for this spell to work was burning dried dandelion sparks, which I'll talk about in a differnent entry. The spell itself I'm not sure if I have anymore, but I'll post it if I can find it when I go home tonight).
To make a long story short, I did fall in love that summer. I've had crushes before, on both real people and actors in movies, but I've never felt anything remotely like this before. This was like an obsession I couldn't shake. And this obsession felt like guts were being torn out with knives. I think I spent most of the summer crying. You see, the guy I fell in love with was unatianable. He had a girlfriend who he'd already had a kid with. He was also way out of my league too. And even now, after the summer has ended, he's still appears in my dreams, tormenting me. The pain I felt over him was just unbelievable.
My spell worked and I'm still riding the last waves of it. A love spell really does work a lot like they show on The Craft, albeit not quite so dramatic or as intense. But what that ocult shop owner lady said about a love spell being like releasing a flood gate that you just have to let run its course is true.
It's not quite so bad now. I only dream about him occasionaly, and I've started to forget what being in his presence feels like. And I'm hoping eventually that even the dreams will fade, especially since the whole thing was magikally induced.
So yeah, that's my experience with love magik. Take from it what you will.
*I've just posted my destiny profile, which is the first I've looked at it in several years. It turns out that my destiny rune is Jera, a fertility rune, a rune of the harvest. So maybe there's more hope for me than I originally thought!
