You explain to your child's pediatrician that you knew the child was sick because he was off his feed!!

Your boyfriend complains that you love your horse more than you love him and you say" AND YOUR POINT IS??"

You're trying to get by a co-worker in a restricted space and instead of saying "excuse me" you cluck to them instead.

Your spouse does something nice for you and you say "good boy" or "adda girl" and pat him/her on the neck.

You pull a $17,000 horse trailer with a $1,700 pick- up truck.

You seriously consider trading your 1998 Buick for a 1986 Diesel crewcab dually pickup truck--even swap!

You say ""WHOA"" to the dog.

Your horse gets new shoes more often than you do.

The board bill is paid before any other bill!

Horses in Heaven

One day in heaven, Saint Peter, Saint Paul and Saint John were standing around near the horse paddocks, bored, watching the horses frolic. "I know!" Peter exclaimed. "Why don't we have a horse show?" "Who are we to compete against, Peter?" Paul asked. The trio pondered this a moment when Peter said, "We'll invite Satan. I mean, all of the World and National Champion horses are here. His stable is filled with the spoiled, difficult and mean horses. We're certain to win!" And so they called up Satan and invited him to their horse show. Satan asked why they would want to be humiliated like that, because he would certainly beat them. Peter, Paul and John did not understand. Incredulous, Peter asked, "We have all of the champion horses in heaven! How could you possibly beat us?" Satan laughed and replied, "Have you forgotten, gentlemen? I have all the judges!"

HORSE SLANG DEFINITIONS

Bleacher butt...........When you sit to long on bleachers at a horse show
Manure sinus..........Inhaling to much arena/manure dust
Riders legs............... Bow-legged
Saddle butt................When you have been in the saddle to long
Puken.................A horse that dives in the bridle
Wet saddle blankets..................Lots of riding
Driving into the bridle...............Applying legs pressure while pulling back on the reins
Drive.......The same as driving into the bridle, yet lacking the time to say the whole sentence
Three gaited horse............A horse that; 1) trips, 2) stumbles, 3) falls.
Show trainers.........Trainers only capable of riding in circles.
Slip and sliders..........Reining horses.

Excuses People Use Why Not To Work Their Horses

Just when I thought I heard every excuse, someone has another.

I lost my Whip!
My horse is bad during a full moon!
I'm getting to old for everyday riding!
The wind is blowing to hard, my horse my spook!
It's to dry out, my horse's skin may rash!
My trainer isn't here to tell me what to do!
I can't get my boots on!
It's too hot out!
My horse doesn't like arenas!
I haven't had a lesson this week!
The sun is to bright, it may bleach my horse's coat!
My horse isn't in a good mood!
I forgot to bring carrots today!
My horse needs new shoes!
It might rain!
My horse just got new shoes!
It's too cold!
There are too many people watching!
I haven't ridden all week!
No body else is riding today!
It's to close to feeding time.
Riding may wear me out, I have to go to the gym later!
So, what is your best excuse?

Murphy's Horse Laws

There is no such thing as a sterile barn cat.
No one ever notices how you ride until you fall off.
The least useful horse in you barn will eat the most, require shoes every four weeks and need the vet at least once a month.
A horse's misbehavior will be in direct proportion to the number of people who are watching.
Your favorite tack always gets chewed on, and your new blanket gets torn.
Tack you hate will never wear out and blankets you hate cannot be destroyed.
Horses you hate cannot be sold and will out live you.
Clipper blades will become dull when your horse is half clipped.
If you approach within fifty feet of your barn in clean clothes, you will get dirty.
The number of horses you own will increase to the number of stalls in your barn.
Your barn will fall down without baling twine.
Hoof picks always run away from home.
If you fall off, you will land on the site of your most recent injury.
If you are winning, quit there is only one way to go. Down!

HORSEPERSON'S GLOSSARY

Auction: A popular social gathering where you can change your horse from a liability to an asset

Colic: Gastrointestinal result of eating at horse-show food stands

Colt: What your mare gives you when you want a filly

Endurance ride: End result when your horse spooks and runs away with you

Feed: Expensive substance used to manufacture manure

Fence: Decorative structure built to provide your horse something to chew on

Grooming: Fine art of removing dirt from your horse's body and applying it to your own

Hock: Financial condition of all horse owners

Longeing: Popular training method in which a horse exercises his owner by spinning him in circles until dizzy

Pinto: Green coat pattern found on a freshly-washed gray horse left unattended in the stall for 10 minutes

Rasp: Abrasive metal tool used to remove excess skin from knuckles

Stall: What your rig does at rush hour in an unfamiliar city on the way to a horse show

Thinking of dating a horsewoman? Please read the following carefully:

Easy to Locate.- She's either off on the horse or out in the barn.

Upholds the double standard - Smooches with the most bewhiskered beast, but recoils when a man needs a shave.

Owns one vacuum cleaner - and operates it exclusively in the barn.

A social butterfly - providing the party is given by another horsey woman. Falls asleep in her soup at all other functions.

Economy minded - Won't waste money on permanents, facials, or manicures.

A culinary perfectionist - Checks every section of hay for mold but doesn't blink when she petrifies dinner in the microwave.

Occasionally amorous - but never leaves lipstick on your collar, at worst, slight trace of chapstick.

Easy to outfit - No need for embarrassing visits to uncomfortable little boutiques. She can find all she wears at the local tackstore.

Features a selective sense of smell - Bitterly complains about the sticky-sweet cigar smoke of others while remaining totally oblivious to the almost visible aroma of her barn boots drying next to the heater.

Unmistakable in a bathing suit - She's the one whose tan starts at the nose, ends at the neck, and picks up again at the wrists

A dedicated club woman - as long as the words "horse" or "riding" appear in its name.

Has your leisure at heart - Eliminates grass cutting by turning every square inch of lawn into pasture which, in turn, converts itself into mud.

A master at multiplication - She starts with one horse, adds a companion, and if it's a mare, she breeds it.

Keeps an eagle eye on the budget - Easily justifies spending six hundred dollars, but croaks when you blow ten on bowling.

An Engaging conversationalist - Can rattle on endlessly about training or breeding.

Socially aware - Knows that formal occasions call for clean boots.

A moving force in the family - House by house, she'll get you to move closer to horse country (and farther away from your job.)

Easy to please - A new wheelbarrow, custom boots, or even a folding hoof pick will win her heart forever.

Sentimental fool - Displays a minimum of six 8x10 color photos of the horse in the house and carries a crumpled snapshot of you (taken before you were married) somewhere in the bottom of her purse.

Shows her affection in unusual ways - If she pats you on the neck and says "you're a good boy," believe it or not, she loves you.

HUSBANDS VS. HORSES

GOOD THINGS ABOUT HUSBANDS

1. Husbands are less expensive to shoe than horses.
2. Feeding a husband doesn't require anything that even mildly compares with the hassle of putting up hay.
3. A lame husband can still work.
4. A husband with a bellyache doesn't have to be walked.
5. Husbands are better able to understand puns.
6. If husbands are playing hard to catch, you **may** be able to run them down on foot.
7. Husbands usually pay their own bills.
8. Husbands apologize when they step on your toes.
9. Husbands seldom refuse to get into the vehicle.
10. Husbands don't panic, running and yelling, when you leave them alone (unless you leave the kids with them too!).
11. For a nominal fee, you can hire someone else to clip a husband.
12. Husbands don't like the lady next door just as well as you because she fed them for 3 days straight.

GOOD THINGS ABOUT HORSES

1. If horses don't work out, you can sell them.
2. Horses don't come with in-laws.
3. You don't have to worry about your children looking like your horse.
4. You never have to iron saddle pads.
5. If you get too fat for your horse, you can shop for a bigger one.
6. Horses smell good when they sweat.
7. You can repair horse "clothes" with duct tape.
8. It's possible to keep horses from jumping the fence.
9. You can force horses to stay in good physical condition, with a whip if necessary.
10. Horses don't want their turn at the computer.
11. Horses may turn white with age, but they never go bald.
12. Horses don't care what you look like, as long as you have a carrot.