wrag7

Burbank, California- NBC programming president Jeff Zucker announced this week that the cast of the beloved shitcom "Friends" has agreed this week to continue the derivative, poor excuse for a comedy one more year. "To the delight of the cowardly populace who watch the program simply because it seems like the hip thing to do, our aging stars have signed a new contract that will now truly make them the most overpaid group of people in the world," Zucker boasted to a press conference room full of celebrity hounds posing as journalists. The writers of the program, who for eight long years have shamelessly milked the tired situation comedy formula of inserting smartass comments and second-rate slapstick into each and every scene, vow that they haven't even started to reach the highest possible level of shitty television. "Next year we're gonna pull some real crap out of their asses that our twit viewers will really enjoy," said hack writer Vanessa McCarthy. The cast of "Friends" were not available for comment, as their publicists claim they all went to "a plastic surgery/drug prevention retreat clinic."

Miami, Florida- This week frustrated singer/songwriter Randy Newman (right) demanded that he be given the respect he feels he deserves at the next Academy Awards or else "all hell is gonna break loose." Newman, who was nominated this year in the Best Original Song Category for his Monsters Inc. number "If I Didn't Have You," has lost in each of the previous thirteen times he has been nominated for an Oscar. "It's driving me mad," Newman stammered as he pulled out clumps of his trademark gray hair. "I can't sleep. I can't eat. I'm just haunted by the prospect that one of these days I'll die of a broken heart because the Academy voters thought my material was never worthy enough to win. Hey, even that soap opera broad Susan Lucci has won an award. It makes me feel like everyone has everyone forgotton about the Newmeister." Newman says if he doesn't win this year, there will be quote "heinous repercussions." The music legend has vowed to mutilate the genitals of this year's Oscar host Whoopi Goldberg (middle-right) via female circumcision unless he is given the Oscar, a night alone with Oscar joke writer Bruce Vilanch (bottom-right), and a bevy of the finest cheeses from across the globe. " And although I may love L.A., I don't mind polluting the city's water system with deadly biochemicals," said Newman with a devious smirk. "I'll do whatever it takes to win, and I mean WHATEVER IT TAKES."

Artist of the Year- Frank Sinatra
Best New Artist- Starland Vocal Band
Record of the Year- "Pac-Man Fever" by Buckner and Garcia
Album of the Year- "Biz'z Baddest Beats" by Biz Markie
Best Jazz Vocal Album-"Leftoverture" by Kansas
Best Female Pop Performance- Elton John in "Elton John's Love Song's"
Best Short Form Music Video- "Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band":
Directed by Michael Schultz, Starring Peter Frampton and the Bee Gee's

Hey gang...nothing beats drinking the blood of your first born, NOTHING!...I thought you might be interested to see my pick's for some of the major awards being given out during the Grammy's this week...Oh, Nelson Mandela, you cock tease... I've been a pretty good predictor of past winners, so much so that I am considering starting a psychic hotline...