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Seattle, Washington- A Seattle man is perplexed why his wife placed him in the doghouse this
week. "She was fine before I gave her my Valentine's present," recalls Robert Smith, 65 (left). "Now she won't even speak to me." The Seattle native believes that the 72 year old Kathryn Smith (right), his wife of 45 years, may be upset that her gift was a Boston Market Gift Certificate
(bottom-left). "I think the certificate was a damn good choice," insists Mr. Smith. "I mean I put so much thought into it. Hell, if someone got me a Boston Market Gift Certificate, I would probably worship them as my god."

Smith realized that his wife was giving him the cold shoulder when he attempted to perform sexual intercourse with her. "She was lifeless like a pilliow," recalls Smith. "It then took me about three minutes to realize that I had been making sweet passionate love to an actual pillow. When I finally gained coherence and motioned

towards my wife, she quickly slapped me away. Then she maced me. I don't remember her ever keeping mace at her bedside. If I hadn't had known that she went through menopause years ago, I would have thought that she was on the rag. It was then that I knew that she hated my present. She should be lucky I even married her wrinkled ass, much less get her a 'fancy-schmancy' token of love. I'm a peppy young buck who happens to be seven years her junior. She didn't have to act in the way she did; it was Valentine's Day and all I wanted was a little nookie. I didn't buy those Viagara pills for nothing, you know." Mrs. Smith declined to comment for this story.

Miami, Florida- An intoxicated, uncovered Kool-Aid Man (left) crashed a feminist rights conference this week. "It was horrible," says the distraught butch Karen Martyn, 36. "We were talking about how all the world's ills could be attributed to that rapscallion Hugh Hefner, when all of a sudden Mr. Aid busted through one of the walls of the city's community center in the buff. I was so scared, for I had never seen male genitalia before, and believe you me, the bottom of Mr. Aid's punchbowl was hanging out for all to see."
Police reports state that the Kool-Aid man had gotten drunk after a liberal consumption of his own juices. With his blood-Kool-Aid level at a staggering 7.6, area police

were surprised that the Kool-Aid Man even had the strength to bust through a wall and quote "creep out a bunch of dykes."
The Kool-Aid Man is currently being held at the Miami City Jail on $100,000 bail. "Those lesbos won't have to worry about Mr. Aid escaping and possibly striking again," states Miami City Police Chief Todd Springer. "He is locked up behind a cell with padded walls that are impossible to bust out of."

LaGrange, Kentucky- Newly imprisoned fast-food icon the Hamburglar (right) has been made the prison bitch at the Luther Luckett Correctional Complex this week. Pushed around by fellow inmates, the rascally McDonald's character has been forced to commit degrading homosexual acts on every man at the facilitiy, to the point that he is now known as the "Cockgobbler" at the prison. "I sort of feel bad for him," says former prison bitch Fred "Man Milk Maid" Stevens (bottom-left). "But then I realize that as long as he's being anally raped in the showers, I will no longer have to suffer such indignities."
Many human rights activists are up in arms about what the Hamburglar is having to ordeal, so much so that they have started a "Free
Hamburglar" campaign. Inmates at the Luther Luckett Correctional

Facility though fail to see what the big deal is. "Crap," declares secret prison ringleader Tony "T-bone" Anderson (right). "How could anyone resist sexually assaulting him? He wears a sexy black mask and he has supple DD-titties after consuming so many of those damn burgers. If you use your imagination, you would think a woman is performing a 'Dirty Sanchez' on you instead of ol' 'Cockgobbler.'" Prison guard Tim Walker thinks it serves the Hamburglar right. "Maybe the next 25 years of gobbling cock and tossing salads will teach him that stealing other people's hamburgers is wrong," Walker says. The Hamburglar was allowed to comment through a written statement released by his attorney: "Gobble gobble. I mean, robble robble."