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New York, New York- World reknowned film critic Gene Shalit
admitted this week that he didn't have the slightest idea what the hell the motion picture Rushmore was about. "I don't get artsy crap like that," said a sobbing Shalit. "I like my comedies to be straight piss your pants funny and my dramas to be flat out tearjerkers. I cannot comprehend amalgams that try to incorporate both. I was just sitting there asking myself, 'Should I be laughing now? Should I be crying? Should I get up and get some nachos?' It was a struggle to watch that movie." When it came time to review the movie Shalit confesses he used his review for the 1968 Dick Van Dyke picture Chitty Chitty Bang Bang and just inserted the names of the characters and actors from Rushmore. "If my memory serves me correctly, in the review I said that 'Bill Murray has the voice of an angel, as seen in his rendition of Toot Sweets,'" Shalit says. "Maybe I should have cut the part when I said 'Rushmore will have you dancing in the aisles.'" Shalit decided to admit to his sins because he feels that it will help him get one step closer to Movie Critic Heaven. "I can't wait to play ping-pong with Gene Siskel when I'm up there," Shalit beams.

Cheyenne, Wyoming- Veteran KKTU news anchor Mitch Anderson (right) cut the crap and told viewers that if they had been watching the 3 p.m. newscast on the NBC affiliate that they would learn nothing new viewing the 4 p.m. newscast. "I'm so sick and tired of our news directors and producers giving the public the impression that they have to stick around for the 4 p.m.
newcast or they'll miss updates on developing stories," seethes Anderson. "They know full damn well that nothing significant can change in the span of a few minutes and if something does happen, our lazy ass staff won't be on top of it. Hell, I read verbatim from the script used in the 3 p.m. telecast. And Jesus, nothing happens here in Cheyenne. You know how many times I've had to have staring contests with our weatherman/business anchor "Mad Man" Jack Stelowski to fill dead air? Shit."

Los Angeles, California- This week the 1980's New Wave band The Thompson Twins revealed that they were not twins or even related in any form. "I don't know why everyone is so shocked by this," said former Twins frontman Tom Bailey at a press conference held in an Arby's restroom. "First of all, there were three of us. Second, Joe Leeway is black while Alannah (Currie) and I are white. That means we wouldn't even be considered triplets in most circles. Third, Alannah and I have a child together. Do you honestly think that twins would have kids together? C'mon. Give us some credit. If you want 1980's music group inbreeding, I suggest you look at New Kids On the Block."

Ed. note- Special thanks to Bob Smith for information on this story.Smith, an Arby's janitor, was the only one in attendance at the press conference.

"Hey kids! If there is a shootout between rival gangs in your neighborhood, get in the middle of the crossfire. Even the meanest gangs will stop shooting at each other if there is a chance of you being hit. If that doesn't work, go up to those dangblasted gangbangers and wrestle the guns out of their hands using nothing but brute strength. When the police present you with the Medal of Bravery, tell 'em McGruff sent ya!"