Attorney General John Ashcroft resigned this week because he felt "spurned" that he was not asked to participate in this month's Vanity Fair cover shoot (right). "Who gives a rats ass about finding bin Laden and bringing him to justice," said a taciturn Ashcroft. "Tracking him down and ensuring the safety of the American public pales in magnitude to posing for one of the hottest magazines out on newsstands today." Ashcroft grumbled that if he wasn't considered important enough to take part in the layout, then his services weren't needed in the Justice Department. "Quite frankly, those involved in the spread could go f@!# themselves for all I care," groused Ashcroft.
Known worldwide for his staid and ambiguous press conferences, Ashcroft aspires to use his newfound celebrity to pursue a life-long dream. "My style and talents don't fit in the Washington political machine," says Ashcroft. "That's why I want to expose my full range of abilities on the bright lights of Broadway." Former Attorney General Ashcroft then confessed he had already hired an agent and had tried out for two roles: Jean Valjean in "Les Miserables" and Kim the 17-year old orphan in "Miss Saigon."
"But Seriously..." asked for comments from several members of the administration featured on the special fold-out cover. Colin Powell was unavailable according to his secretary because he was busy "trying to accomplish the duties required of the Secreatary of State to the fullest." Apparently these duties include cleaning out the White House pool. Vice-President Dick Cheney was also unavailable for comment, his reason being that he was undergoing heart transplant surgery, his third this month. The only respose from President Bush was that he thought he quote, "looked like one sexy bitch" on the cover of the magazine. |
