warrior

Anyone who has read a newspaper or watched a daytime talk show has noticed individuals often ask "experts" for advice in major life decisions. Sure those professional degrees they
flaunt about can be hypnotizing eye-candy, but they can mean little in the real world. In addi-
tion to this, some of the talking heads are of
flawed character, certainly lacking the qualities that justify them dispensing opinions that will shape how another person will act. What is needed is an individual who has been everywhere and has done everything, while maintaining an immaculate standard of living. What is needed is a Warrior. An Ultimate
Warrior, that is.

"But Seriously" searched far and wide for the pure, wise soul until we found him residing in a cardboard box-er, cave in the Tibetan mountains. After weeks of negotiations, the Ultimate Warrior finally agreed to share his wisdom with the "But Seriously" readers.

Dear Ultimate Warrior,

I think my wife is cheating on me with one of my co-workers. I don't know what to do because if I ask for a divorce, there will certainly be a messy custody battle over our five children. Should I keep the marriage going for the sake of the kids? Oh Ultimate Warrior, get me out of this dilly of a pickle!

Love,
One Beleagured Poppa

To One Beleagured Poppa

(pacing back and forth, snorting) WITTOL!! CUCKOLD!!
AAAAAHHH! Don't you see in your Byzantine world,
silly normal, SHADOWS! cast a pox of incongruous abortion over your woolgathering. Unequivocal para-aminobenzoic acid taints the unction of YOUR WIGWAM!
(whispering) Attempts to assimilate into the razzmatazz zeitgeist and reach your tricentennial will be thwarted, resulting in primordial pestilential and cryptorchidism.
One man, one man STANDS AS THE CHEVAL-DE-FRISE
TO YOUR BERCEUSE!! (snarling) THE PERINEUM! of which I refer to, is that EMBOLUS HIMSELF HOAK HOGAN! YOU? HOAK HOGAN! abandon Hoakamaniacs like this up on the termitarium, opting to LIVE a poltroon lifestyle, throwing away the muleta as you cower

behind your barbican caciocavallo and tilsiter. STEP! aside Hoak Hogan! Let me and my stra-
tocracy of Woah-Yahs carry on the syneresis and complete the cambist SO A MAN LIKE THIS CAN PORTAGE HIS PRELATE DUTIES!!! Donning my culottes and fichu, I! I! The
Ohtimate Woah-Yah will serve as the regisseur so that this octogenarian can get OUT OF! the ventriculus ending the cumulonimbus that spawns stagfltion. (talking to his open right palm) Once the ohm is rid of in the JEJUNOM, He will gormandize the DIPLODOCUS.
Hoak Hogan, the NESSELRODE to my vacherin, the ERSATZ TO? MY? GAULEITER, tonight I FEEL IT COMING THROUGH THE PORES OF MY SKIN, going places it SHALL NEVER HAVE BEEEEEEN! AAAAAAAHH!