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The Fake State of the Union Address That Never Was

The following is a fake speech written by George W. Bush for the 2002 State of the Union Address.
When reviewed by his puppetmasters-er advisors, had professional speechwriters wrote a speech for him.

    How be's my peeps tonight? Before I get started, I'd like to make three announcements. First, "let's roll." Second, I love Rich Chocolate Ovaltine. Its rich and chocolatey, like my wife Laura (pause for courtesy applause, allowing you the opportunity to poke your nose). Say hello babe,
heh-heh. As you can see, I'm sporting an Ovaltine baseball cap and tie. I'm also wearing Ovaltine
underwear. You can rest assured that this won't be the last time I have chocolate stains on my chonies, and it sure as eggs as eggs isn't the first time either (pause for courtesy applause, allowing you the opportunity to apply deoderant to your underarms). My last announcement is this: (take out blankie) Ma, Ma, where's my Pa? Gone to the White House, ha-ha-ha (pause for courtesy applause, allowing you the opportunity to unleash the latest breakdancing moves from the 'hood).
     Now I'd like to give some props to my fellow mo' fo' Republicans. We have successfully milked
the terrorism issue to implement many of our desired policies and avoid any fingerpointing in our
direction regarding Enron (pause for courtesy applause, allowing you the opportunity to discover the cure for polio). My feelings about the Enron situation can best be expressed using the old
Morman phrase "oy vey." But it all doesn't matter, because everyone thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced toilet paper. I mean damn, I have an approval rating of like 103%. I'm Teflon baby (pause for courtesy applause, allowing you the opportunity to strut around the podium in a pimp hat and coat)! No one seems to care that I haven't caught bin Laden and his toadies but have instead killed thousands of innocent civilians. Hell, I could do anything I want because I'm the most popular man in the history of all history! In your face Joe Piscopo (pause for courtesy applause, allowing you the opportunity to smoke your butt hairs)! The large amount of support that I'm getting from the American public gives me the uhhh, referendum to implement some new rules (pause for courtesy applause, allowing you the opportunity to swim in a kiddie pool full of mayonnaise).
     The first new act calls for placing all towelheads in internment camps. We can put them in our nation's prisons, once I execute all individuals that are currently serving time behind bars, there will be more than enough room available. (pause for courtesy applause, allowing you the opportunity to appear in a good ol' snuff film). Secondly, I'm going to spend all the Social Security funds on my dream: a 24-hour Police Academy television network (pause for courtesy applause, allowing you the opportunity to play pogs with the neighborhood preschoolers). Can't you see it friends? A haven for those who marvel at the exploits of Steve Guttenburg and menstruate at the sight of that hilarious Negro that does all those wicked sound effects. It will be a brave new world, indeed (pause for courtesy applause, allowing you the opportunity to give yourself a mammogram).
     In closing, I want to make a few suggestions to the American public that fit right in with my narrow Republican dogmas (pause for courtesy applause, allowing you the opportunity to build a fort made of Spam). If you get an abortion, commit suicide, or fail to pray in a public school, then you are aiding and abetting the terrorist cause. This will definitely lead to you winning an all expenses paid trip to Hell or Al Gore's house, whichever is worse (pause for courtesy applause, allowing you the opportunity to fake a seizure). Even I was amazed when I found out how much money bin Laden and other terrorists make off of these nefarious deeds. Heh-heh. I sure hope all those bastards are falling for this crap...boy I sure could go for a Cinnabon right now. Good night America. Let's roll. Let's roll. Let's roll. Uhhh, let's roll. Happy painting and God bless (pause for courtesy applause, allowing you the opportunity to make a Play-Doh Cinnabon).
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Fake Advertisement

Dr. Vince Andrews is not a paid
actor, but an actual principal

Principal Andrews Has Rented The Principal, Have You?

Hello America. I'd like to tell you about a film that changed my life forever. It all started when my wife went to the video store. At first she went to check if the film that we had been dying to see, Barely Legal Bitches, had finally been returned (it was three months overdue). Sadly, the cassettee was still gone. My wife, not wanting to leave empty handed, opted for next best thing available. Fortunately for me, that thing was The Principal. Before watching this celluloid masterpiece, I was paralyzed with fear when I got out of bed each morning to get ready for another day of anarchy. The kids were monsters, I tell you.

The same problem plagued Jim Belushi, the principal of your run of the mill inner-city high school/meth lab. A lesser man would have succombed to the threats of those rebels, but Jim Belushi wasn't one of those puss schmucks. With his trusty sidekick Louis Gossett Jr. at his side, Belushi took down names and busted heads, putting an end to the festering cancer that gangs had wrought on his campus. After viewing the epic known as The Principal, I vowed that I would use the Belushi tough love approach to straighten out the punks trying to usurp my school. That way they would know that I meant business; they had to realize that I was at the top of the pecking order. Now when one of those bastards says that they don't feel like taking nappy time, I shove a handful of sleeping pills down their throat. If they say that they don't want to make a card to the homeless, I pour a cup full of glitter, glue, and yarn down their thoat. Then for extra measure, I stuff some sleeping pills in their mouth. When their alphabets start getting sloppy, I take a branding iron and burn the phrase "I'm A Stupid Little Asshole" onto their foreheads. Then I give them an overdose of sleeping pills. Thank you The Principal, you saved my life. I know it can help others out there too, so I suggest you stop by your local video rental store and get the The Principal today! Oh, and by the way, can you check if your store has a copy of Barely Legal Bitches? Thanks!

Bush Photo Courtesy of yahoo.com, The Principal Photo Courtesy of Barnes and Noble.com