Dear Dr. Schlaper,      My wife is angry at me because I don't perform oral sex on her and as a result has become frigid in every other aspect of our sex life. The reason that I don't perform oral sex on her is that I am very uncomfortable doing it with the large amount of pubic hair that she has. Simply put, it is rather nauseating burying my face down there. Every time I imply that she should shave in this particular region, she just gets more upset. Dr. Schlaper, do you have any ideas?                                                                                                                            Sincerely,                                                                                                                Mouth Full in Nebraska To Mouth Full (of Hairy Taco) in Nebraska,      This is a common facet of an even bigger problem facing couples these days: women fail to make compromises for the good of the relationship. Even if they want something out of the relationship, women resist making sacrifices that may be necessary to attain what they desire. As the old saying goes, "the broads want to have their cake and eat it too." Although it is seen as controversial in many circles, I suggest taking the drastic measure I took with my wife: smearing her bush with bubble gum so that she has no other choice but to mow her lawn.      Sure it was sneaky and underhanded, but I no longer wanted to be crippled with the fear of venturing into those woods and potentially being lost forever in its vast accretion. One particularly frightening occurrence was when I found pachinko machine down there. Another time I got my tongue caught in a DVD player. Anyways, there is a certain strategy to use if you do opt to use this technique. Before committing the act, one must lighten the mood a little. The best way to do this is to tell one of those sassy and topical jokes in the comic that comes with a pack of Bazooka Joe brand bubble gum. One of my favorites is when Bazooka Joe tries to brighten the day of a crazed smack whore with the joke "What do Usama bin Laden and a pistachio have in common? They're                                                           both nuts!!" That one had my wife in stitches so much                                                                 that she didn't even realize that there was a Mt. Everest                                                           of pink goo all over her hellacious hamburger. Yes,                                                           Bazooka Joe kills two birds with one stone. Use this                                                           power wisely though, my friend. If the gum is not placed                                                             carefully and happens to seep inside the deepest bowels of                                                           conch shell (a.k.a. cooch), prepare to be swamped by                                                           doctor's bills and lawsuits. Dear Dr. Schlaper,      Unfortunately, my girlfriend says that she will only be open to anal sex if I allowed her to reciprocate. As much as I want to explore her nether regions, I'm rather hesitant to let her do the same with me. What should I do?                                                                                                                          Yours truly,                                                                                                                       Miner Sixty-Niner To Miner Sixty-Niner,      I can't believe she would subject you to such a proposition. As the old saying goes, "trade- offs shmade offs." The only give-and-take that should be present in the relationship should be her giving oral and her taking it in the arse. If she doesn't come to her senses and succumb to your advances, I suggest taking the drastic measure of stuffing her like a Thanksgiving turkey while she's asleep. If she wakes up in protest, just tell her that you were sleepwalking. As the old saying goes, "rape, shmape."

Dr. Ashe Schlaper begged us to allow him to have a column on our site. It was obvious that Dr. Schlaper was  desparate for work, so much so that he offered his services for a "tryout" co-lumn free of charge. He insisted that his presence would serve as good publici-ty for the site, considering he is known worldwide for his numerous appearan- ces on television court programs where he has been sued. The list of shows includes "Judge Judy," "Judge Mathis," "Curtis Court," "Judge Hatchett," "Mor-al Court," "The People's Court," "Judge Joe Brown," "Texas Justice," "Power of Attoney," and "Judge Wapner's Animal Court." After heated internal debate, the editing staff here at "But

Note: The views of Dr. Ashe Schlaper do not necessarily reflect those of the "But Seriously" staff.

Seriously" relented and allowed Dr. Schlaper to write this piece as a tryout. Whether or not the column contin-ues will be based on reader opinion, which can be expressed in the guestbook. Voice your views, for the fate of Dr. Schlaper rests in your hands!

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