burke

Book Review
                              A Special Kind of Hero
                    by Chris Burke and Jo Beth McDaniel
                    A Special Kind of Hero can be reviewed in three words: insensitive,
                              cruel, and garbage. Unfortunately, the suits at "But Seriously" are
                              forcing me to write a more in-depth analysis of this drivel. The "auto-
                              biography" shows that the literary world will never fail in its crusade
                              to sink to new lows. The publishers of this book have ignored the
                              inspirational story of Chris Burke and his astronomical rise to TV
                              stardom as "Corky" on the program "Life Goes On" and instead did
a hackneyed cut-and-paste job that covers just about everything except Chris Burke. At a conference call with critics, the publishers remained steadfast in their claim that the book was written by Chris Burke with the assistance of Jo Beth McDaniel. Unfortunately,
the validity of this statement is questionable.

The family of Chris Burke echo these sentiments. The Burke clan say that on one occasion Chris revealed to them that the publishers told him he quote "didn't need to worry his little head about the book" and gave him a years supply of saltwater taffy in return so quote"no one will have to know about our visit." The parents are considering filing a lawsuit on their son's behalf against the publishers based on the grounds that they allegedly used underhanded tactics to get Chris to sign a deal for an authorized biography without having to give him any monetary payment or residuals. The Burke's believe the publishers confronted Chris when he was alone playing at Chuck E. Cheese and offered him 500 tokens, 778 tickets, a medium Sprite, and a plastic whistle-ring for his consent on the book rights. The publishers declined comment on the accusations, saying they have been advised by their lawyers to avoid answering questions
involving the possible suit.

Now to the controversy of the writing itself. The butchering of Burke's story begins at the outset, as the first chapter of the book entitled "When I Was A Baby," covers nothing of the sort. No sentence about the Burke family's reaction when they found out about his down syndrome. No words from Chris about his earliest memories. Nothing. Instead we get the following:

4 pound beef boneless chuck roast
1tablespoon olive or vegeatable oil
1 teaspoon salt
1/2 teaspoon pepper
6 medium onions, sliced
1 1/2 cups beef broth
3/4 cup regular or nonalcoholic beer
2 tablespoons packed brown sugar
3 tablespoons Dijon mustard
2 tablespoons cider vinegar

1. Trim excess fat from beef. Heat oil in 10-inch skillet over medium-high heat. Cook beef in oil about 10 minutes, turning occasionally, until brown on all sides. Sprinkle with salt and pepper.
2. Place onions in 3 1/2 to 6 quart slow cooker. Place beef on onions.
3. Mix remaining ingredients; pour over beef and onions. Cover and cook on low heat setting 8 to 10 hours or until beef is tender.
4. Remove beef and onions from cooker, using slotted spoon. Cut beef into slices. Skim fat from beef juices in cooker if desired. Serve beef with juices. (recipe courtesy of backofthebox.com)
Enjoy your caramelized-onion pot roast. MmmmmmMmmmmmMmmmmmMmmmmmm! (pg. 1-2)

Downright atrocious. The people who will certainly be the most disappointed by this lackluster effort will be Chris Burke's biggest fans: children and individuals with down
syndrome. These groups do indeed look up to the actor, singer, activist, and writer as a "special kind of hero" but they will be left in shock by such passages as this one:

Lolita slowly took off her satin panties, relieving herself from the puddle that was accumulating there once she had laid eyes upon Pedro. Pedro, his full mane of hair riding like the wind, gently took off her bra as he kissed her glistening neck. Her nipples standing at full attention, he made counterclockwise circles on her areolas with his tonque. Then clockwise circles. Then counterclockwise again. Then just back and forth like a madman. Lolita, her creamy thighs quivering like no tomorrow, in return unzipped his pants and got her hands on his throbbing member. She moaned in exultation, knowing that this was going to be the greatest trip to the public library she had made in months... (pg. 76)

This is relatively tame compared to the incessantly graphic clitioral hood sequence.

After reading the book, one has to wonder what could have been. One notable example is using the pages en masse to dispel many urban legends that have sprung up regarding the career of Chris Burke, including the notorious charge that a stand-in was used in many of the scenes on "Life Goes On." Many believe that this would explain the superflous amount of shots where the audience only sees Corky's back and not his face. Instead of making a valiant effort to try and quell these rumors, readers are treated to debates like the one seen here: