Female Interviewer: So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?"

General Reinwald: We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting."

Female Interviewer: "Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?"

General Reinwald: "I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range."

Female Interviewer: "Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?"

General Reinwald: "I don't see how, ...we will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm."

Female Interviewer: "But you're equipping them to become violent killers."

General Reinwald: "Well, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?"

The radio went silent and the interview ended.

It is Christmas Eve, this chap is on a rooftop about to jump off. His wife is leaving him for another man, he has lost his job and he owes thousands of dollars to the bank. Just as he finishes his prayers and closes his eyes, ready to jump, Father Christmas taps him on the shoulder.

"Are you OK?" asks Father Christmas. The man explains why he is so miserable and gets ready to jump.

"Stop !" shouts Father Christmas. "It is Christmas, I will grant you three wishes to solve your problems on the understanding that you will grant me a small favour in return!"

"Would you ?" the man replies. "That would be wonderful!! Thank you, thank you!

Father Christmas promises him that: 1. You shall go home in 1 hour and your wife will be dressed in her sexiest underwear, begging for forgiveness and longing for your return, she will have no recollection of her new boyfriend.

2. You shall go into work tomorrow, sit at your desk and continue with your work. Your salary will have increased by 50%. Also, nobody will have any recollection of your sacking.

3. You shall go to your bank and you will be ten thousand dollars in credit, you will have no outstanding bills. "Oh thank you, thank you !" says the man. "What is it that I can do for you?"

Father Christmas asks the man to drop his pants and bend over. After a quite brutal Rogering, which made his eyes water a little, Father Christmas asks the man how old he is. "36" replies the man.

"Ho Ho Ho, You're a bit old to believe in Father Christmas aren't you!"? Chuckled the jolly, gay, fat bastard.

A radio station in the US recently ran a phone-in competition to find the most embarrassing moments in listeners lives. The following are the final four place getters:
4th place

While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and started to run amuck. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she didn't start behaving herself right now, she could be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!". The silence was deafening, after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing! I mustered the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing that I heard as the door closed behind me were the screams of laughter."

3rd place

"It was the day before my 18th birthday. I was living at home, but my parents had gone out for the evening, so I invited my girlfriend over for a romantic night alone. As we lay in bed after making love, we heard the telephone ringing downstairs. I suggested to my girlfriend that I give her a piggy-back ride to the phone. Since we didn't want to miss the call, we didn't have time to get dressed. When we got to the bottom of the stairs, the lights suddenly came on and a whole crowd of people yelled "surprise".
My entire family, ..... aunts, uncles, grandparents, cousins and all of my friends were standing there! My girlfriend and I were frozen to the spot in a state of shock and embarrassment for what seemed like an eternity. Since then, no-one in my family has planned a surprise party again."

2nd place

A lady picked up several items at a discount store. When she finally got up to the checkout, she learned that one of the items had no price tag. Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the public address system and boomed out for all the store to hear. "PRICE CHECK ON LANE 13. TAMPAX, SUPERSIZE." That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word "Tampax" for "Thumbtacks". In avery business-like tone, a voice boomed back over the public address system: DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND YOU BELT IN WITH A HAMMER?"

AND THE WINNER IS?

This one actually happened at a major US University in October last year.
In a biology lecture, a professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen. A young female freshman, raised her hand and asked, "If I understand what you are saying, there is a lot of glucose in male semen,as in sugar?"
"That's correct." responded the professor, going on to add some statistical data. Raising her hand again, the girl asked, "Then why doesn't it taste sweet?"
After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing, the poor girl turned bright red and as she realized exactly what she had inadvertently said (or rather implied), she picked up her books, and without a word and walked out of the class, and never returned, However, as she was going out of the door, the professor's reply was a classic.

Totally straight-faced, he answered her question, "It doesn't taste sweet because the taste-buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and not in the back of your Throat!"

Maria had just got married and being a traditional Italian, she was still a virgin. So, on her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was nervous. But her mother reassured her. "Don't worry, Maria. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take care of you."

So up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says, "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a big hairy chest."

"Don't worry, Maria," says the mother, "all good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you."

So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again, Maria ran downstairs to her mother. "Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants and he's got hairy legs!"

"Don't worry. All good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take good care of you." So up she went again. When she got up there, Tony took off his socks and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs. "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a foot and a half!"

"Stay here and stir the pasta," says the mother. "This is a job for Mama."

A group of prisoners are in their rehabilitation meeting. Their task for today is to each stand up in turn speak their name and admit to their fellow inmates what crime they committed. The first prisoner stands and says, "My name is Daniel and I'm in for murder." Everyone gives him approving looks and pats on the back for admitting his wrongdoing.

The next guy stands up and says, "My name is Mike and I'm in for armed robbery." Again, there is a round of approving looks. This goes around the circle until it gets to the last guy. He stands up and says, "My name is Luke, but I'm not telling you what I'm in for."

The group leader says, "Now, come on Luke, you have to admit it to us to make any progress. Tell us what you did."

"Ok then. I'm in for fucking dogs." Everyone is disgusted! They all shout "What??!! How LOW can you get!"

"Well...I did manage do to a dachshund one time, but I had to lift her back legs up a little," Luke replies.

Three guys, Vladimir Putin, Osama Bin Laden and George Bush are out walking together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. I will give each of you one wish, that's three wishes total," says the Genie.

Russian President Putin says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in mother Russia."
With a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF' the land in Russia was forever made fertile for farming.

Osama Bin Laden was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Afghanistan, so that no infidels, Jews or Americans can come into our precious state"
Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF' there was a huge wall around Afghanistan.

President Bush then asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall." The Genie explains, "It is 15,000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds the country; nothing can get in or out---virtually impenetrable."

Bush says, "Fill it with water."

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

Ashley said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess."

"What's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.
"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"
"Very good," said the teacher.

Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, "Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is, "don't count your chickens before they're hatched."

"That was a fine story Sarah. Michael, do you have a story to share?"

"Yes, my daddy told me this story about my Aunt Karen. Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in the Gulf War and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete.

She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets.
Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."

"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"

"Stay the fuck away from Aunt Karen when she's been drinking."

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