5 Stay At Home
It is categorically the case that on the 1st - 9th of September 2007 under no circumstances did any contingent of s-division go to Morocco to trek in the Atlas Mountains. This contingent absolutely did not consist of Dan, Dave, Jim, Kim and Simon.
This is an entirely fictional account of the trip that we could have had, if we had gone to the aforementioned location with the tour group Explore.
Day 1
The group assembles in Marrakech. We meet John, Jane, Steve, Nikki, Rebekah, Jane, Frances, and Heather.
At the end of a long drive, we jump at the chance to climb a tall thing for a cup of tea.
Nobody is surprised when after only 10 minutes walk, Dan fell into a damn, covering himself in mud and destroying the local agricultural economy.
At the top of said tall thing was a granary. You would have thought they would keep grain up here but not so.
Instead it houses dead saints who for the price of one chicken, will get you knocked up.
The granary is permanently guarded. By a deaf madman who communicates in grins, serves tea and lives in a hole.
Day 2
and the trek starts. At 6am it's already hotter than we like for walking. Rebekah is booking a camel to carry her water.
Simon's on his third bowl of porridge. Now is probably the time to introduce our guides.
Brahim :
Khaled: 
He runs marathons. In 2hr25. And was a little disappointed we didn't climb mountains quite so quickly. Still, he learned to suck it up.
The joy of an organised trek, is organised food from an organised chef:
Breakfast. Lots of porridge, bread, pseudo chocolate sports drink.
2nd Breakfast. Simon wept with Joy as we pulled into a Berber house to eat as much fresh bread and Berber butter as we could stomach complete with obligatory mint tea.
Lunch. Lots of salad, potatoes, pasta, cheese and tuna (of the tuna, sardine, or generic variety).
Dinner. Soup, 1st 2nds and 3rds. Veg stew and carbs. More veg stew. Fruit. Mint tea, best served with ginger.
(John and Heather; became obsessed with dessert. After 2 days of vegetarian meals they were craving goat pavlova with sheep blood coulis.)
At the end of the day we were introduced to our toilet:
Step 1. Start whistling.
Step 2. Squat. Come on now, work those thighs.
Step 3.
Step 4. Pyrotechnics. Burn the paper (being careful not to ignite the tent)
The walking wasn't technically difficult unless you were Dan. It was however a challenge sleeping through his snoring and the slightly quieter force 6 gales.
We walked and we walked and we walked and we walked.
In fact we walked to a Galaxy Far Far Away.
Unusually for a quiet guy who sits and plots world domination Dave was the centre of attention in Morocco. Rebekah stated at the airport if he was on her tour she'd have his hair off by the end of the week. In spite of the presence of a qualified Berber barber, Dave marked his third decade hair in tact. Even if he did try to hide it.
If having a long haired tricenarian wasn't bad enough, the Absinthe fairy made an auspicious return flitting from rock to peak with the gay abandon of a fairy elephant on crutches.
Day 4
The big day arrived, not that you could tell in the dark. Our route (very roughly):
Our preparation for the ascent was drinking special flag at 3000m. Every now and again having to duck and cover from the onslaught of sandstorms.
As with all good walks, Simon started with 4 bowls of porridege.
Us lesser mortals stuck at 3. Brahim set off promptly at 5am.
The rest of us followed at 5.15. Kim joined us at 5.20.
Unfortunately, the mountain took Umbridge at Kim's fairy outfit. It sent gale force winds to push us back down.
At every turn the wind was in our face getting stronger and colder.
But the mountain didn't bank on Frances' remarkable ability to produce an extra layer of clothing for every 100m of altitude.
Rebekah found a different approach to the altitude difficulties by taking a nap every 100m. Sadly this resulted in her getting left further and further behind the group.
After hours of gruelling hard walking we reached the summit where Jane demonstrated her excellent Northern hospitality by producing Whisky.
While we were taking a tipple, Nikki and Steve battled the Gale again, this time trying to find some oxygen with which to light their cigarettes.
Brahim had no such trouble. Special berber training.
To get out of the wind, we had to run down 1000ft of near vertical scree. Except for Dan who did it on his ass.
By now Rebekah's naps were taking their toll and she was not feeling at the top of her game.
Lunch was finally taken at 2pm, a massive 9hours after breakfast. And no second breakfast! Brutal.
After lunch only 3 more hours walk got us back to camp. There we sat and waited for the triumphal entry of rebekah on her mule which she had insisted on
after throwing a strop and becoming a self proclaimed mardy cow.
Steve found the walk easy. When quizeed on what made a walk a challenge his answer was simple. "You can die"
On finally returning to our gite, Brahim made an offer we couldn't refuse. After five days of treking in the dust, our home housed a hamam (turkish bath).
The glorious steam clenased our skin while obscuring all that we didn't want to see of each other.
To be honest, I think we will mostly be remembered for introducing Africa to this:
