The following random thoughts can be found at DumbFacts.com under the starnge insights page, though knowing you would never go read them, i went collected the funniest ones. I've told you a million times, stop exaggerating! They say that if you don't give it a try, you can't win ... but if you don't give it a try, you can't loose, either. Wisdom comes with age. Death comes with age. Therefore, wisdom is dangerous. Youth is wasted on the young. That could be fixed if the youth had a few rights. Ever wonder where those skeletons in doctor offices come from? If you can't be a good example, then you'll just have to serve as a terrible warning. Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive. Life is full of disappointments, and I'm full of life! Eat right, exercise daily, live clean, die anyway. Today is the last day of some of your life. Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us. Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral, or fattening. Anything not fitting into these categories causes cancer in rats. Life is wasted on the living. Enjoy life. There's plenty of time to be dead. As you journey through life take a minute every now and then to give a thought for the other fellow. He could be plotting something. Life is what happens while you are making other plans. Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired. Time is the best teacher; unfortunately it kills all its students. Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society. To attract a man, wear a perfume called 'New Car Interior.' Women like quiet men because they think they are listening. On one issue at least, men and women agree; they both distrust women. The men who try to do something and fail are infinitely better than those who try to do nothing and succeed. Don't kick a man when he's down unless you're certain he won't get up. There are easier things in life than finding a good man.... nailing Jell-o to a tree for instance. Humans are stupid. If you forget, they will remind you. Men are like fish... neither would get in trouble if they kept their mouths shut. If there's one thing I can't stand, it's intolerance. The world's full of apathy, but I don't care. There's no such thing as nonexistence. Cooperation can only be reached if we work together. As far as I'm concerned, treachery will sometimes bring loyalty into question. It doesn't matter what temperature a room is; it's always room temperature. I always try to do things in chronological order. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement. An oral contract isn't worth the paper it's written on. It's deja vu all over again. I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous! I always wanted to be a procrastinator! Rehab is for quitters! Don't be redundant by repeating yourself more than once. Some people type so fast that they forget to include I am becoming increasingly worried that there isn't enough anxiety in my life. I have this nagging fear that everyone is out to make me paranoid. Free advice is worth what you paid for it. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. Give me ambiguity or give me something else. Always be on the lookout for conspicuousness otherwise it's hard to tell if someone is inconspicuous. He doesn't have much of a reputation, or so I've heard. I disagree with unanimity. I have my doubts about disbelief. Avoid Alliteration. Always. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with. Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use. I always wanted to be a procrastinator... never got around to it. Having a smoking section in a restaurant is a little like having a peeing section in a pool. Robin: Holy Kleenex, Batman! It was right under our nose and we blew it! Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the 'Y' becomes silent. Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one. Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning. A man is not complete until he is married -- then he is finished. Marriage is the sole cause of divorce. A husband is living proof that a wife can take a joke. An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have; the older she gets, the more interested he is in her. I belong to Bridegrooms Anonymous. Whenever I feel like getting married, they send over a lady in a housecoat and hair curlers to burn my toast for me. If your wife wants to learn how to drive, don't stand in her way. Love: An obsessive delusion that is cured by marriage. Marriage is bliss. Ignorance is bliss. Ergo... Marriage means commitment. Of course, so does insanity. Marriage still confers one very special privilege - only a married person can get divorced. Don't marry a tennis player. For love means nothing to them. No man should marry until he has studied anatomy and dissected at least one woman. All marriages are happy - it's the living together afterward that causes all the problems. Sign in a marriage counselor's window: "OUT TO LUNCH - THINK IT OVER." DICTIONARY: The only place where divorce comes before marriage. Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the wife listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the husband listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen. I think, therefore I am single. If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something. When I die, I want to go like my grandfather did, peacefully in his sleep. Not yelling and screaming like all the passengers in his car. For people who like peace and quiet: a phoneless cord. A day without sunshine is like, you know, night. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory. It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you Out of my mind, ...be back in five minutes. If you can't convince them, confuse them. In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday. I talk to myself because I like dealing with a better class of people. Take my advice, I don't use it anyway. Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience. The trick to flying is to throw yourself at the ground and miss. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it. Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense. Friends: People who know you well, but like you anyway. Friends help you move. Real friends help you move dead bodies. Friends don't let friends drive naked. Friends - the people who stab ya in the front. Sometimes people need what only friends can provide - Absence. Friends who think they're perfect are very annoying to those of us who really are. When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend. The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think. Men know that if a woman had to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she would probably save the infant's life, without even considering whether there were men on base. Women should have labels on their foreheads saying, "Danger: Government Health Warning: Women can be dangerous to your brains, current account, confidence, razor blades and good standing among your friends." I want a guy that's sensitive and caring, and that loves cats. Unfortunately, most guys like that are gay. If at first you don't succeed, then sky diving definitely isn't for you. If at first you don't succeed, then you didn't do it right! There are two rules for success in life: Rule 1: Don't tell people everything you know. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted. If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished! Marriage requires a man to prepare 5 types of "RINGS": (a) The Engagement Ring (b) The Wedding Ring (c) The SuffeRing (d) The EnduRing (e) The TortuRing I never knew what real happiness was until I got married and by then, it was too late. The trouble with some women is they get all excited about nothing - and then they marry him. If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. To successfully keep robbers out of your house put six locks on your door. When you go out, lock every other one. No matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three. If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There's no use being a stinkin' fool about it. If you are feeling unsuccessful just think about this: eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. Marriage is not a word. It is a sentence. (A life sentence!) Pentiums melt in your PC, not in your hand. As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing. Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes. Buy a Pentium 586/90 so you can reboot faster. Never let a computer know you're in a hurry. No electrons were harmed in the creation of this message. THINK -- it gives you something to do while the computer is down. To err is human. To really screw things up you need a computer. With computers, every morning is the dawn of a new error. There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot. A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water. Smoking kills, and if you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life. People have the right to be stupid, but some abuse that privilege. Join the army, meet interesting people, kill them. Pride of nationality depends not on ignorance of other nations, but on ignorance of one's own. Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot. Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing. Free advice is worth what you paid for it. My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right. A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for a coffin. Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys. One of the advantages of being disorderly is that one is constantly making exciting discoveries. You probably wouldn't worry about what people think of you if you could know how seldom they do. Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms. Never judge a book by it's movie. If you can't annoy somebody, there's little point in writing. We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up. The trouble with the rat-race is that even if you win, you're still a rat. A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking. Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said. Education is what you get from reading the fine print. Experience is what you get from not reading it. Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines. For people who like peace and quiet - a phoneless cord. The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement. There are two kinds of pedestrians--the quick and the dead. Some people are going to leave a mark on this world, while others will leave a stain. Don't be so humble, you're not that great. Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way you're a mile away, and you have their shoes too. The early bird gets the worm, but the early worm gets eaten. Marriage is the only war in which you sleep with the enemy. Courtship - A man pursuing a woman until she catches him If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep. I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months -- I don't like to interrupt her. Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die Ever notice how fast Windows runs? Neither did I. Always remember, three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population. The quickest way of ending a war is to lose it. To talk without thinking is to shoot without aiming. No problem is so big and complicated that it can't be run away from. Age is a question of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it don't matter. If you believe in telekinesis, raise my hands. Never wrestle with a pig: You both get all dirty, and the pig likes it. We have strange and wonderful relationship. You're strange and I'm wonderful. Marriage certificate is just another name for a work permit. There are only three kinds of people; people who can count and people who can't. Reality is a big, nasty, vicious dragon, but I don't believe in dragons. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool. Atheism is a non-prophet organization. No Jesus, no peace; know Jesus know peace. National Atheism Day: April 1st If it was possible, it could be done. Shortcuts are suppoed to be hard. If they were easy they'd just be "the way". Doesn't expecting the unexpected make the unexpected expected?