Disclaimers: Regretfully, I did not create the characters of Xena, Gabrielle, Herodotus, and Hecuba although sometimes I like to think that I did. I am not making any money off this story so Rob, Ren pics, and Universal please don’t sue me.
Violence: It certainly goes through certain characters’ minds, but there is no actual violence.
Language: I suppose so considering there is a naughty word in the title.
Sex: No, however, it is talked about. The participants involved are females so be warned.
Feedback: Please send any comments to [email protected]
“Herodotus and the Murdering Bitch or Doing it Like Rabbits”
By Katie Burnett
“Alright, Gabrielle, it’s time to knock on the door.”
“I don’t think so, Xena,” the bard replied as she turned to walk off the front porch of her father’s house. The warrior princess had decreed that after two years of absence it was time for Gabrielle to visit her childhood home. At first it seemed like a very good idea; the petite blonde would get to see her sister and Xena could relax for a few days. It didn’t take very long into the journey for Gab to realize that her idealistic side had taken over. She had thus spent the entire trip trying to turn around, and at this juncture she was practically frantic.
“Sweetheart, it’s just your family. They deserve to see you and I know that you at least miss your mother and Lila. Now knock on the door before I do,” the warrior chastised, giving her partner ‘the look.’
“Yes, dear. Alright let’s just get this over with. One…two…two and a half…two and three quarters…”
“GABRIELLE!!”
“Oh, ok, three.” With that the bard forced herself to knock on
the door. She was so nervous that she
banged loud enough for the merchants to hear it in
“GABBBBBY!!!!” Lila screamed at her older sister as the younger brunette opened the door and launched herself into the blonde’s strong arms.
“Hey, Lila. How are things?” the traveler asked while holding her sibling at arm’s length to examine her. “You look absolutely radiant. Who is he?”
“Gabrielle!” Lila admonished as if the question were inappropriate.
“Kolos, the son of Holicus. Holicus and Kolos are both farmers and they hold a good piece of land on the other side of town. We will be joining together in business. Better yet, they actually love each other,” Herodotus, Gabrielle’s father, explained with a smile as he came up behind Lila.
“That’s wonderful, sister. Congratulations. Hello, father.” The bard managed to disengage from her exuberant sister and give her father a stilted hug. The older man with graying brown hair didn’t seem to notice. In fact, he never noticed much of anything.
“Daughter!!!” came a feminine cry from within the house. Herodotus and Lila cleared the way for Hecuba to give her daughter a warm hug. “What brings you home?”
“Can’t a girl visit her family?”
“Of course she can, Gabrielle. It is just such a surprise. Lila, would you mind going to town and picking up some more meat for dinner?” the older, blonde haired woman questioned.
“Sure, mother. I’ll be back as soon as I can,” Lila responded.
“Lila, wait! You better double that…Xena’s in the stables,” Gabrielle explicated hesitantly.
“Gabrielle? Why on earth would you bring that warlord here? I thought that you were getting away from her for a while,” Herodotus demanded angrily. Lila gave her sister a comforting look before bolting to town and thus avoiding the ensuing argument.
“Father, when are you going to realize that I can never get away from Xena?” Gabrielle asked with frustration as she followed her parents inside the house and took a seat in the living room.
“Gabrielle, has she ever touched you?” Herodotus asked with a quiet rage and a great deal of trepidation.
“Excuse me?” the bard replied incredulously.
“Damn it, girl, I asked if that murdering bitch has ever raped you!” her father screamed nearly at the top of his lungs. So loud, in fact, that Xena heard it all the way in the stables.
“Father! I didn’t mean it like that. How many times do I have to tell you that Xena has changed, hah? I cannot allow you to keep speaking of her in such a vile manner. And no she has never raped me! How could you think that? Do you have so little faith in my judgment and ability to stand up for myself?” Gabrielle said in a controlled manner learned from Xena that made the impact of her words even greater than if she had yelled at the top of her lungs. By that time, Xena was rapidly returning to the house to protect her love if things got out of hand.
“That harpy
stole you from us. We had such plans for
you. You would have made a beautiful
wife and mother. Now look at you,
letting some ex-warlord drag you around
“Father, you listen to me and you listen good. I followed Xena and she had two choices: allow me to travel with her or let me get killed by myself. Thankfully she chose the first one and I thank the gods everyday that she did. I never fit in here, I never will, and I don’t particularly want to with narrow-minded people like you living here,” the bard replied as calmly as humanly possible while giving her father her best imitation of Xena’s ‘look.’
“Daugh…” Hecuba began in order to allay some tempers.
“Mother, I’m not finished yet…” the blonde woman interrupted but was stopped herself by the sound of her soul mate throwing open the door.
“Herodotus, please tell me, what have I ever done to you to make you hate me so much? Yes, I have a very bad past and I did horrible things, but I’m not that person anymore because of your daughter. I was a monster but even during my evil days I never raped a soul. How could you think I could do that to your daughter? I think that you are just so blinded by an unreasonable hate that you are unable to see not only me but Gabrielle. Your daughter is strong, stubborn, and could talk a town out of stoning an ex-warlord in her own mother’s tavern. Oh wait, she did that! Why would I do anything to someone who saved not only my life but my soul and my heart?” Xena implored. Gabrielle was absolutely shocked. She had never heard so many words leave the warrior’s mouth all in a row. By this time, Xena had walked over to her bard and had a hand resting on her shoulder.
“Get your hands off my daughter. You’ve brain washed her! That’s the same thing as rape!” Herodotus roared as if he hadn’t heard a word that Xena said.
“Daddy, you are not listening. Do I have to spell it out for you? Xena and I are very much in love and the last time I checked doing it like rabbits whenever we have the chance because we can’t keep our hands off each other doesn’t count as rape. It counts as a good sex life,” Gabrielle blurted before she had a chance to really think about what she was saying. Xena’s hand tightened on her shoulder and she could tell by the slight shaking of it that her warrior was trying very hard not to start laughing uproariously. Herodotus simply stood there in open mouthed shock while Hecuba bugged her eyes out so far that they looked like they might leave her head and occupy the floor. Lila was just walking through the door when she heard this tirade and she fell against the doorjamb holding her hand over her mouth to avoid giggling.
“If anyone has been brainwashed it’s me, Herodotus. I’m so whipped it’s embarrassing and if you paid any attention you would see that practically the entire world knows it,” Xena asserted once she had full control of herself once again.
“Well, I never…” Herodotus began after he finally regained use of his voice.
“No you haven’t because you are completely blind. I love your daughter and she loves you. You are her father, Herodotus, whether I like it or not and I will not fight with you. Now come on, Gabrielle, we’ll come back another time when your father grows a brain.” Xena grabbed Gabrielle’s hand and led her out the door to Argo without another word to any of the bard’s family. Lila, however, did begin to giggle as the couple walked past and gave her sister a loving pat on the arm.
“I told you, honey. That man is a basket case,” Gabrielle finally stated as the warrior and her bard rode out of town towards their new adventure.
“Yeah, yeah. Just do me a favor will ya?” Xena replied.
“You know I would do anything for you,” Gabrielle said very seriously while giving Xena’s waist a big squeeze.
“Don’t ever tell a crowd of drunks in a tavern that we do it like rabbits. They might get ideas.”
“Sure, sweetie.”
“Thanks.”
“How about frogs or goats or eels or…”
“Gabrielle?”
“Yes? Mmmumph…” the bard’s ramblings were cut short by a scorching kiss from her warrior that promised some very good rabbit making in the near future.
THE END