September

Sept. 10- Hey, it's been awhile. I'm feeling better and things are looking up. Probably because i've stopped being so paranoid and have kinda been shutting out all the the things i've been thinking about that have been making me so insecure and confused. i'm tired of being confused..time to just be for a little while. Explore, tread water, see what's up with me. I've changed so much I haven't even realized it so I think it's time to reevaluate myself. Meeting new people and hanging with new people has also kinda helped me to break out of this small chain built around me. It's kewl...hard to explain I guess. I'm thinking about the less petty stuff and about the more important fun stuff. That's my 2 cents for now I guess. Maybe i'll write tomorow about how some dreams are just never meant to me reached...they just glitter so u'll have something to look at and think about it.

Sept. 15- Completely and utterly pissed at the world. There is no better sister in the world then me. And what do I get back in return...SHIT. I get tossed to the wolves just so my sister can save her own ass. I try and help her out, and instead what she does is displace the anger my mother has for her onto me! Now I AM thone she doesn't trust. Bullshit if I ever help her out again. I'm so fucking pissed with my life. Nothing ever works out right, I never get what i want. Everything good that DOES come to me ends up crumbling beneath my feeble fingers. I don't kno which way it up anymore, cause all I ever see is the down. So what if i'm pissed and sad and upset. Everyone who reads this thinks i'm gonna kill myslef. Well I'm not. Everyone feels the need to keep the hurt and anger inside. well I don't. That's why I put it up, so i can let it out.
      Why does it seem like evveryone tries to live my life for me. As though I can't make my own desicions or do things on my own. And you know what, YES i want someone to hold me and make everything seem alright. I'm tired of always being the dependable honest one. wy can't i have someone be honest to me. Instead I get fed all this happy sunshine hope for the future fluff that only makes me fall ten times harder.


                      "Everyday I see your face and refuse to feel the truth,
                   And give into temptations trap that intertwines those few.
                  Success has got the best of me, and reality stole my youth.
            And everyday your eyes bring me down to where I know I'm true.
            Your smile brings me warmth of days when everything was green.
                 The chill of winter disappears when I can feel you breathe."
                        by Me , To Matt (since he was the first to read it)