October_November

October 7- Hey lets see, I havent' written in a while. And I think that there are a few things I may have left out along the way. Such as the Gravity Games, and how completely awesome the Less than Jake and Might Mighty Bostones were. And how i finally went crowd surfing and it was the kewlest thing in the world. Words can't describe the vigor and energy i got out of it. It's like I really felt life for the first time. The lights shining above me, and the sight of the crowd bouncing up and down as people push you along. WOW.. I'm hooked, and i wish every weekend wasa repeat of it.
Let's see...the guy situation, got me a boyfriend, say hello to Matt. Totally awesomeness and he treats me great. I hate how the past has a way of biting you in the ass. You think u've left it behind but it's always hard to walk away and not look back again and wonder if maybe you've made the right choices and decisions. Two wrongs don't make a right but maybe 1+1 = 0 or like 1=1 so it all balances out. I don't know... it's the phrase of my week. How do people ever let things go so far., or rather, far away from them? It's that damned snow ball effect.

October 16- How I hate my life let me count the ways....
                1. I hate the mistakes I make.
                2. I hate my regrets.
                3. I hate how my mistakes lead to regrets that I can't fix or get rid of.
                4. I hate school, and all the homework that is boring and meaningless.
                5. I hate CCD.
                6. I hate how I don't have anything fullfilling or something that makes me                                             whole. Why does it seem everyone else does, but I don't?
               7. I hate how lonely I feel without you.
               8. I hate how you make me cry at night.
        BAAAA.... this is getting sad. Anyway, yeah blah nothing has been going right. Then again nothing EVER goes right for me. I can't have a single good thing without messing up or getting confused or scared or paranoid. hey, apparently I can't even catch on to anything being implied!!! Or I completely misinterpret a situation or person. Or maybe, just possibly... i'm not the problem. But i highly doubt that considering i'm just a screw up anyway. I've spent the better part of 3 years trying to prove to my family that I'm not a screw up. Who am i kidding, I can't do anything right...i'm always messing up at something. It doesn't matter how hard I try cause it's just never good enough. I get a 93 in a class i've been strugling and it becomes "oh you could have done better..you just didn't study enough" .   Too much judging and pressure.
        And i can't change the past or fix my mistakes it's too late. "It's never too late" they say....well HA to you because i guess it is. It's like going to the bank and getting there right when they are locking the doors and they still won't just let you in. "well try again tomoorw" they say, well it won't matter tomorow if I get it cause by then they would have already sold that nice shiney bike to the other kid! And it was the last one! And to top it all off....the kid that lives across the street got it! So you have to sit around all moppey and sad and watch that kid be all fucking happy! It's misery on top of more misery. I want my shiney bike! And why was I late to the bank? Because I took too long trying to dicide whether or not I wanted the bike. I mean I knew I wanted the bike all along....But i was just so scared or geting it....why, because it cost alot...you could consider it a risky financial endenvour. I mean if it got stolen what insurance of happiness would I have...whose to say I'd be ok and not all broken hearted??? BAHUMBUG i'm talking about bicicyles and going insane... i g2g later.

October 24- Yeah, everything has been really bad lately. I've been feeling sick for just over a week now. My tummy hurts really bad. And the doctor doesn't know why, so my mommy is gonna find me a new doctor. Stupid doctor... I'M NOT AN ANXIOUS PERSON!!! no I am not. I don't care what he sasy, I don't have stress. He can kiss my ass. But then again he'd probably enjoy it. I'm getting really tired of everybody coming u pto me and asking if i'm ok and telling me i look like shit. It doesn't make it better, it just adds to the misery dumb ass.
As for everything else. That sucks too. I hate all this fucking school work, and all my teachers. JUNIOR YEAR IS REALLY STARTING TO BLOW OUT THE ASS. And the guy situation, well that sucks too. Life is so dumb. I blame the fairytale industry for all my misery! They built into my head all these ideals and hopes of happily ever afters. But you know what someone said to me about that? They said they believed in happily ever after, but they left out one things...that getting there was a bitch! and oh how it is true. But that only builds up my hopes as well. So now I blame everyone around me. Wel no not really. I only blame myself. Cause in the end all you can do is blame yourself, but find relief in the fact that us stupid humans have been falling for this same evil trap called love for the past 5,000 years or so. What morons. You think that by now we would have figured out a pattern. I always rant and rave when i type here. I think it helps though, besides I don't like bitching to my friends TOO much. I;ll only end up repeating the same thing over and over. I don't know what else to type now except that life really does suck rite now, so if you see me in the halls don't ask me if i'm ok...cause i'm not, and don't ask me if i want to talk about it, cause I don't. Later gators.

November 29- Hi there, I haven't written in a while i know, not like anyone reads this anyway. WOW a really long while. Anyway, so life has been weird and vicious. There's been a lot of confusion and mixed feelings. Letting go of the pat has it's bittersweet effects. There's the care free feeling of not being bothered by it anymore, and then there's the craziness of dealing with the people who still haven't let go. My mom came home the other day and was crying hysterically, and i simply didn't know how to deal or how to comfort her. It was kinda weird because I just didn't feel at all, it' slike i'm letting go of life or something and just digging into as much meaningless stuff as possible. Trapped in some world that i'm building up around me til I can drown out the voices.
I thought to myself... I which someone could make a CD of silence. Just blast on silence and indulge in it, drown out the noise for a little while and not hear anything. And the past 3 weeks I've kinda been thinking about how I miss someone. I wish I still had them. And i probably could, but my goddamned pride keeps me from it. BAHUMBUG! i say. later gators. keep it real.