July_2001

July 27- I'm sick of summer and working and melodramatic bullshit. I'm sick of always being the best friend I can and getting trreated like shit in return and being taken for granted. I'm sick of high school and how everything has to be so public. You can't have a secret or tell someone something personal without having it leak to about 20 other people, and as gossip does, get twisted and distorted along the way. I can't stand when people lie to me. And I hate it even more when a friend has a problem and can't just say it to my face. A real friend would have enough respect to tell me what they disliked or thought bad about me. A real friend would be honest. And it turns out I don't have that many real friends. The truth is no one does. And that's the sad part. High school has become so unfullfilling in so many ways because everyone is too self absorbed or too absorbed with everyone else's life that the whole high school experience has just become sorta flaky. None of this probably makes any sense, but oh well. I'm tired and delusional and i smell like coffee. Tired of everything basically. Tired of guys treating me like shit and thinking they can use me like some second rate prize. ....

July 28- There is this really stupid new guy at work only he's not that knew anymore. He does shit and gets paid to do shit. He's a sexist and thinks that everything there is something a girl should do. So today i'm busting my ass doing all the things he's to "manly" to do and then later he goes off on me. Saying that he's been serving customers all day while we "the girls" didn't do anything. Which is complete bullshit. He thinks the only thing that needs to be done there is serve customers, but there is SO much more to do. So u can tell him to move his ass and do something and he won't. So he proceeds to try and push me around and then tells me in an angry tone to "shut up" repeatedly after I tell him what everyone already knows and thinks... that he does shit. And I got scared cause I really thought he was going to hit me. To be honest I wish he did so he could have his sorry ass fired! ... AND once again i smell like coffee.

July 30- Some days I just feel like crying. Like I don't have anyone to talk to or anyone who will understand or really listen. I'll feel so alone, only i'm not really alone. I have time with me. Time, it's like a never ending campanion that walks by your side. It never goes anywhere, and will always be there for you. There are those days that time can be comforting and lets you know it will eventually be alright. Then again there are those days you wish it never existed, lived long enough to even let you feel the pain and you wish it were kinder. But kindness seems difficult to come across these days. With everyone being too self absorbed to really care about anyone but them selves. And even if they do you can usually tell if it's just a mask of kindness. "Every act of kindness boils done to lust or greed" is a quote that i signed around my picture in alot of peoples yearbooks. Probably because there's a lot of truth in it. Real friendship boils down to the truth. Being able to be completely honest with someone. The real friend is the one who won't spare your feelings. ... the one that will tell you that what you have on looks really shitty so you won't go out looking like a fool. Or who tells you that you have ink on your face even if you know it will embarrass them a little...why? Because they'll appreciate it more later on. There's no such thing as a real friendship without respect, honesty, and understanding. I just wish everyone else understood that. I feel so alone. "lonely angst" anxiety. longing....for someone to hold me and make me feel everything will be all right.