| December 2001 |
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| December 4- Hi again. I'm bored so I thought I'd wallow. so damn tired of smiling. I mean there's nothing to smile about really. Just tired of people asking me how I am, so I smile and the stop. But come on, smiling hurts your face, at least it hurts mine. I don't think i was created with the intent of smiling. I wish i could just be some character in a happy fairy tale. No drama, just frolicking and happy songs. A banana and pajamas world, with lots of cuddly stuffies and imaginary friends, but no real people. A care Bear world, but without all the confusion, you know like the happy scene but forever. Pride sucks. I can't let go of my pride, then what do I have left. I feel like i've let go of everything that belongs to be and who I am. I'm so lost in every way, and i have been for a while but i've worked so hard at covering it up and hinding it from everyone rather then fixing it or me or whatever. I feel empty. Always have. Everything around me seems so artificial. I wish I could have one real thing in my life. I wish i knew what real was. My pride is all that's left. I've lost my compassion and caring, ambition, humor (all that's felt is sarcasm), and wits. If I let go of my pride then what's left... me? a body? definately not a soul i don't think. Shattered fragments of a heart long since forgotten? I'll tell you when i find out. |
| December 11- I'm complaining about joe today! Actually I don't knwo what I'm complaining about, just figured that i'd say hello and such. today has been dragging on and i'm currently in psychology class. I'm not looking forward to doing my religion project, or to vacation. Vacation ='s potatoe time ause I just sit around all day and do nothing. Besides, I hate Christmas anyway. This whole holiday thing really bothers me alot. It just doesn't feel like a family in my house anymore. Cristy is never home, mom is always at work and when she is home I'm left listening to her yell and whine to me about Crsity. So basically it just always feels like i'm the one that's being yelled at. cristy is one of those people that only cares about herself, she is so completely inconsiderate. I think i'm done for the day, i'm too tired to continue whining. Besides i'm busy thinking and missing. "let me wallow just this once and drown my sorrows". |
| December 17- ::crawls in hole and hides from everyone in a state of complete vulnerablity:: Oh how strange the world is, and how strange I am, and how strangely strange that i'm in it. Today wasn't a so good day. Math teacher is a bitch, and the day was long, and someone stole my religion book, i did this icon diagram for RIPTA and my sister told me that if they used it id get paid like $500. Well they absolutely LOVED it, but now it turns out that I might not get paid anymore, which totally SUCKS. So now i'm pissed and angry and down 500 bucks. GRRR. As for everything else, well i'm too blame for it all. Too much whining and not enough doing. But doing is so difficult, and then I do, and things don't turn out so great. And then You do and you get so tired of doing, or maybe just scared, so u do and then each time after that and you do do the do it just gets harder to do the do. Ah that must be the most confusing sentence I've ever written. I think i'm only here today cause it turns out I have a big fan, mattire camp reads my entries often, so yay for my #1 fan. " Heart don't fail be now, Courage don't desert me, Don't turn back now that we're here. People always say life is full of choices No one ever mentions fear. Or how the world can seem so vast.. on a jouney to the past. " -Anastasia |
| Decemeber 19- falling apart inside cause everything outside falls apart too. I wish I could hold on to the good things rather then keep dropping and breaking them. you can't fix something that's broken, and that's always the case for me. there's nothing good left for me, nothing worth while. I find myself caring more about school work lately cause that's the only thing worthwhile left. Nothing good nothing good. Everyone looks at me now adays with this complete look of pity. Which actually makes me feel even worse. It's like people can tell how sad inside i am from a mile away. Is it so wrong to be sad when your sad. Instead the world expects you to put a smile on your face and pretned that everything is ok. I'm pissed off with myself right now too. I'm pissed off about letting myself run away, i'm pissed off that i try and blame everyone else when it's all my fault. I did it, i caused it, and i can't change it. This year definately sucks. Maybe everyone is right lately in saying i have no self esteem, maybe i did lose it. And then there are those other people who say I've got guys and balls. I really don't understand guys. They say they can't stand pampered wimpy girls, so you give them the anti-girl and they still don't want you. I don't get it, either i'm too much of a girl or I'm not enough of a girl. And i'm so confused. I don't even know who I am anymore. I don't know who other people think I am, i wish i did though. Everytime I open my mouth i feel like i'm going to say something stupid that will either scare someone, make them think i'm crazy, or hate me. I'm out, in a while crocodiles. 5 minutes later.... hey, i'm back. Matt Bennett wanted to me come and say soemthing about him and say hello to him. So hi matt. He's in a band with the other matt. You can visit their page at www.notaol.com/toofargone . I havn't heard them yet but they're having a show on Jan. 5th at AS220. I could say more but i'm too sad to say nice things. To see you when I wake up is a gift that i didn't think could be real. To know that you feel the same as I do, is a three fold utopian dream. You do something to me, That i can't explain. so would I be out of line, if i said... I MISS YOU. -Incubus |
| December 20- hey lookey here, i'm writing 2 days in a row. Baa, i'm pretty much feeling the same as yesterday. Today was the Christmas assemblies. Oh god how sick I am of christmas songs. One of the carolers didn't come in, so I got to take there place. I REALLY wanted to before, so i feel lucky that I got to, laurie wanted to but she said i wanted it more and let me go. I thought it was so sweet of her. People are so confusing. i'm all pepped out today with al lthe singing and being cheery and whatnot. What I've learned in life... I Don't Know...means no. ...and whatnot..also means no. ....and whatever.....means no. So why don't people just say no..."i don't know". ::cough too afraid to hurt someone's feelings cough::I thought it was really rude today when i was crossing the street to g oto la pharmacia and some guy started reving him engine. U'd think i'd be flattered but I'm not. It kinda nothered me cause i hate knowing that people are staring at me, makes me feel self-conscience and I don't like that. Later |
| December 22- Hell-o again. Well, lets see i beleive that there was something i left out about my bad week. I work at dunkin as u probably know by now, and i went into work to find out that my draw was short by $35 from the previous day. How i don't know, but life is a bitch and i'll probably have to pay it out of my own pocket. i hate christmas. BAHUMBUG. You know what's worst about this damn holiday, they put so much emphasis on being with someone. You know, having someone special to share it with. And it makes me feel so sad and alone inside. And if I don't already feel invisible half of the time anyway. I always feel like i'm fighting for people's attention and that i'm so completely insignificant, and i probably am. i feel like a pawn in the game called life, and i have no idea why i'm here. i don't feel like i have anything great to offer the world. I don't have the cure for cancer or aids, I don't have spider powers, and i can't fly faster then a speeding bullet (hell, i can't even fly). ah i g2g it's late |
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| Decemeber 26, 2001- Very personal, don't read it unless you want to. And if you do then don't mention it or try and bring it up. Don't get worried or scared. |