August_2001

August 4 - There is no up in my life and i'm sick of always pretending that I'm happy and being happy for the sake of everyone else, because the fact of the matter is that i'm not in any way happy. I'm alone. I have no one special to hold me near or to hold. Every guy that shows the slightest interest just ends up running away. What are you so afraid of??? That you might actually find someone worthwhile or comforting. I honestly think I've heard it all by now and I'm sick of the excuses and the leading on and playing with my head, but mostly with my heart. And I can't take it anymore. I'm tired of always building up the hope and then getting pushed back down. I can't get up anymore. I don't have any more confidence or self esteem. I'm empty and hopeless and worst of all alone. I can't even begin to write how saddened that I truely am. UGH!!! I thought he was different, but then again i always think they are different. But it was that certain combination of words that made me trust. I mean I wasn't pushy AT ALL, i was just letting things happen...and what happens??? FOOTBALL SEASON!!!!!!! FUCKING FOOTBALL!!!!!!! That's why nothing can happen....FOOTBALL. YEAH WOOPPEEE GGOOOO RAMS!!! :o( I mean Jesus Christ. If anything I always considered myself supportive, relaxed, and low mantainence! How could i get in the way of a sport where the main objective is to get a piece of pig skin onto your opponents territory. (tearing). Bye

August 7- All the pieces fit in place when u realize friends are meant to be friends and there's no greater feeling that being a friend. Being a friend is only half of the equation. Sometimes you find they don't reach a hand out to you when your asking for it. Why am i always talking about friendship i have no clue. I wonder if psychology class wil have any answers for me. Like one of my friends said i'm taking psychology so i can learn to become even more of a psycho then i already am. I can't quite remember who said it, probably because it seemed kinda negative and i don't want to remember who was that rude. I guess I look in the mirror and i still see that ugly fat 8th grader with no friends and low self esteem having constant nervous breakdowns. I'm still that little girl...that nothing good ever happens too and everything always goes wrong. u always hear that phrase of how soething transends time. It's probably because we're always carrying apart of the past with us.

August 27 - I have a fan club I guess and so I must write on. Nothing really happening lately. Except this guy who just pops back up into my life after I had given up on him and thought he was gone for good. It's that second chance that you always wait for. And now that's it herre what do I do....I choke. I cann't call him i'm too scared. And we run into each other and I light up. It's all so weird. And then there are parts of the past that always keep pulling you back. Those what if's of life. That make you doubt yourself and what to give things another stab. Only I'm still too scared and WAY too hurt to try it a second time around. I mean will things still be the same...chances are yes. Those same i don't knows that always rip people apart. That lack of honesty and trust that keeps a relationship and even a friendship together. There's no such thing as a relationship unles you can be open and real with one another...... it's not supposed to be this one way street wherre everyone gives there all and gets nothing in return. With that in mind i think i'm going to stop being a hypocrite, eat my own words... and give back....i'm gonna go call this dude.....tomorow of course it's already late.