Dear Friend,

2:17 am. The wedding has finally come and gone. It was an enormous, gala event which had been a year in the planning. The ceremony, the atmosphere, the emotions involved were all wonderous things to me yet the overwhelming intensity of it all struck me with an uncanny directness that left my soul humming with lingering, resonant vibrations of emotion and confusion.

I laughed, I danced, I pranced. I flirted outrageously. I was truly happy for the bride as I celebrated with her the beginnings of this new life, this new lifestyle. For myself, there was also a celebration. A personal celebration of oneness, a solidifying of the knowledge that coupledom was not to be my destiny. For me, in the aftermath of the festivities, the night brought with it a canvas of deep, dark quiet where I sat in complete stillness, where I, with eyes closed and heart & mind open, felt the freeing of my soul. I reached out and touched profound peace.

I had thought jealousy, even hurt, would have been the prevailing emotion on my part. I had prepared for it; knowing that I would be alone in my uniqueness as well as my partnership. I knew I would be surrounded by guests embraced and accompanied by their families, their loved ones while I stood alone through another major event in my life. And yet, what was most heartfelt was a peace, a happiness in my self. A surety that if I died alone, as I now stood alone, I would be lacking nothing. I would have no reason to look back; no reason to hold to this earth. I felt a calm caress which enveloped me in a mantle of restricting closeness like a womb to the unborn child. I felt the absence of companionship, the comfort of long known despair cling to me like a well worn pair of jeans fitting to my contours. I knew a deep abiding contentment in the familiarity of being alone while standing within a bevy of people.

It was then startling to hear your voice on the phone. It was shattering to have my child walk through the front door shortly thereafter, with reality firmly in tow. I had been comfortable with, reveling in my oneness and, suddenly, with a jolt, I was reminded of the bonds of friendship, of the burdens of responsibility. How do I reconcile my desire, my need for solitude, for peace with the inevitible pull of, the wonderous joys found in love, in motherhood, in life? How do I provide for myself while trying to accomodate, to not upset or anger those I love, those I want to keep as friends, as lovers? How do I have a true relationship with another when I find no peace in the bonding?

With you, I feel love - ever present, ever intense. Yet, alone I find peace. Love. Peace. Must one be had at the cost of the other? If that is so, the price is too high. I can not afford either one.

Bn.