My HUGE list of profile quotes!

This is my huge list of quotes. All of these have been on my AIM profile before, and I've been putting quotes on my profile since my first year in school (2000-2001). I don't remember what half of them even mean! If you would like to know about any of them, simply ask me and I'll do my best to tell you what they refer to. I don't expect anyone to read all of these, but if you ever get bored then just scan through them. There is some very entertaining stuff on here!

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"I think you'd very much like a music video me and my friend Casper made a couple years ago. If you ever decide to visit, I'll show it to you." "If it's home porn, I don't want to see it." "It's a music video and Casper's a dude." "Oh...well in that case, I hope it's home porn."

It's just that's what happens at that time. It's nature's little trick. She thinks it's freaking hilarious.

"How could I have forgotten you're Super Tony" "How could you have forgotten a question mark?"

Um, litle rabbit, can talk, and you know..."Hi! I'm a rabbit!" Uh, dinosaurs. You can do dinosaur things, like, you know, "Watch out! There's a...meteor...comin'." Um..."Hi! I'm Wal-Mart! You should buy...stuff from me."

"Today isn't a total loss. You know someone named 'Dallas.'" "You're right, I think I will go tell all of my friends that I talked to someone named 'Dallas' today...and that she laughed at me for saying there weren't very many types of Celatom diatomaceous earth. Actually, they'd probably stop talking to me if I rattled that off."

A rather awkward circumstance arose on September 8, 2005, when in the aftermath of the Hurricane Katrina tragedy, CBS unintentionally ran a repeat [of The Price Is Right] that featured a trip to New Orleans and a speedboat in one of the Showcases.

I feel like an Ethiopian child on Everest. I'm starving and freezing.

You want to explain yourself? You're naked. There's a 14-year-old girl. You're chasing a cat around. You've got Cool Whip.

"You got a hangover, Tameka?" "Yeah, too many enchiladas." "Enchiladas aren't gonna give you a hangover...well, unless you make 'em right."

"Hey, Liz. Guess who I saw today." "Me." "Yes, very good. Guess who else I saw today." "Mom." "Ok, someone that's not in this family." "Gus."

"Your Most Valuable Possession"!

Well then, to keep your manly macho status with the other "boys," just let them know you talked to a girl named "Dallas" and leave the rest to their imagination!

"I'm going to Peter Island...no, not THAT one!" "Yeah, the one with all the men."

"...because there's safety in redundancy." "Not only that, there's safety in redundancy."

"What's the party for?"
"I don't know...someone's either getting married, or retiring, or dying..."
"Someone's getting married...dying?!"

"Wow, you nailed what she was going to say pretty close." "I know. Like I said, I've heard it on the past every other Tuesday for who knows how long."

What time is it, asshole?

Don't worry about it, dude. I don't know about any damn Aussie leaders. I mean, seriously: who can remember the name of a silly kangaroo?

"Are you gonna eat your pickle, Chris?" "Are you pregnant, Jeff?" "Do I look pregnant?" ";-)" "Don't ever do that again." "Well, I could've said something else. ... 'I lied when I said I was sterile.'"

My office has a twenty square mile radius.

"Old people think everything is funnier. 'You're a comedian!'" "'You're a commodian!'" "'You're an accordion!'"

"You got a thong and some fishnets, too?" "I've been wearing them the whole time we've been talking." "Now that's something I'd like to see." "The phrase 'Be careful what you wish for' has never been more applicable."

"Richard, you know better than to hang around this guy." "You invited me to hang out with you outside of work!"

"It was good talking to you." "Ok." "You know, that's usually reciprocated." "Oh, haha, it was good talking to you too." "Well, now you don't mean it."

"scuazmooq wants to send file mystery song.mp3" *declined* "You fiend." "I'm not taking something called 'mystery song' without a prompt from you first." "Take the mystery song." "It could be just a crazy virus how do I know?" "Good call. Take the virus and then we can cyber, LOL ASL?"

"You're computer sucks." "Your grammar does."

I think we're stupid bitch magnets.

I don't see much from where I sit, the United States of Who Gives a Shit?

The number you have called is imaginary. Please multiply by i and try again.

Andy lives on a farm kind of place, and I called him this one time, and I was like, "So what are you doing right now?" and he goes "Oh, burning a cow." "Doing what with a towel?" "BURNING A COW!" Apparently one had died, so they were just burning it.

"Masonic Temple? Hell yeah!" "I didn't know there were Jews in Knoxville!"

"I just sat in dog food savory sauce. My ass smells like bacon!" "I'm disgusted, yet intrigued."

"Jerry Garcia's toilet was bought for, like, $150,000 a while back." "Some Deadhead probably made a bong out of it. 'Who's gonna drink the bong water?' 'I ain't gonna drink it!'"

"You see, at the cocktail parties I go to, those things always come up." "You're refined enough to go to cocktail parties?" "Well, it's mostly just beer drinking and pretzels. It all depends on your frame of reference."

"Crap, I was gonna ask something..." "No, sorry. I'm straight." "That was it. Have a good night, guys."

"What happened 100 years ago today?"
"The San Francisco earthquake."
"I was there. I was only 12 at the time�"

I grew up in the nuclear business, where every time I took a shit I had to document it. I had to sign it in black ink and date it.

"What were you doing in there?" "What?" "What were you doing in there?" "Are you kidding? Look, if you want details, I'll write you a report."

"Just don't sabotage me so that I don't ever leave Knoxville!" "Are you kidding? I consider you leaving 9739 as a victory."

This place smells like a bureau of democracy.

I'm not saying you're Satan...I'm just saying this definitely gets you a tick in the "possible Satan" box...

"Hey, I hate to leave you hangin', but we're about to go to Chick-fil-A." "That's fine. Have fun and say hi to Chicker McSpicington for me." "Hah...who is that?" "The Chick-fil-A mascot. Maybe I made him up."

"Have a good day, and thanks for humoring me." "No prob. Make out with Ben Folds for me, k?"

"I'll be the pope one day I think." "A Methodist pope...hmmm...I like it."

"Crap, this isn't the road I need to be on." "This is Cookeville, it's like Pac-Man." ... "If all else fails, eat the cherry." "What?" "Hahaha!" "Oh. It's a power pellet, you idiot!"

"Hi, homey." "Hold on a minute, company's about to leave." "Make sure she has all her clothes first."

Inactive ingredients: Dog shit

Ha ha, they can't dunk.

"So I found out yesterday that I'm psychic." "Did you read your own mind?"

"Your watch is very yellow." "Yup." "Is that uranium?" "Nope. It's uranium oxide."

"I wish that I was Jesse's girl!" "Uh, Blake, it's, 'I wish that I HAD Jesse's girl.'"

Those crazy nuns are as dumb as a brick...a brick with saggy old tits.

"Man, I'm still hungry, but I don't know what to eat." "Have you tried food? I hear it works well."

So if you try to sleep next to an overweight elderly drunk with a misshapen jaw and a cold who's taking muscle relaxants...bring industrial-strength earplugs.

Considering my disdain for sports, we'll go with the hardcore porn.

"Where's the flying dog?" "What?" "Cuz this is 'The Neverending Story.'"

"Where are you?" "I'm on my way home." "You're talking on the phone and driving at the same time?" "Yeah." "You're one of those people I hate?" "Well, yeah. I'm one of your kids."

"Hi, McDonald's."
"'Hi, Nate.'"
"Wow, McDonald's has a high-pitched voice."

"One of my friends is gonna run in a marathon in Nashville in a couple of weeks. He said that they'll be playing country music on the side of the road the whole way." "Well, yeah. That's to make everyone run faster. They're trying to get away from it."

I've got crabs the size of baseballs.

Tony's the only person I know who sings along to techno.

"You know what I have been thinkin' 'bout a lot lately?" "What's that?" "White power." "You mean electricity?"

"I sneezed in the shower and practically had afterbirth." "Hardcore."

"I have a friend co-oping in Maryland that's gonna move back down here." "Let me guess, his name is Ulysses." "Close, Grant." "Really?" "No, it's Adam."

"So, Tameka. How long have you been from Canada?" "Um...I guess one day, now."

"How can a man have sex with another man?" "Imagine having to explain that to an old woman."

"That wasn't even the first time a woman dunked. The first was someone named Snow..." "Informer."

Watch out, you might get attacked by a giant ant or millipede or something.

"Whatever happened to Frosty?" "I left him in Kentucky."

"I could send you Falco, but you probably have a shrine of him somewhere ." "Riiiiiiiiiight." "Right next to Hasselhoff, hmmm?" "Nope, underneath. NOBODY is next to the Hasselhoff."

"Was she queen of the Chewbaccans?" "You mean Wookies?" "Yeah, whatever." "Calling them Chewbaccans is like calling humans Blakans."

B: We could go to a bar and smoke some cigarettes.
C: That's like me asking Tony if he wants to get a couple of drinks.
T: That's like me asking Chris if he wants to go find a couple of chicks.
C: Man, what'd I tell you about...
T: Yeah, I know. It's a life decision and I should respect it.

"I think I remember which building your apartment is in..." "Yeah, you just keep going straight until you see the guys trying to steal my stereo."

It's time for Plan B. It's the same a Plan A, but it works this time.

"So what kind of drugs they got you on?" "Oh, they got me on morphium."

Dragons and spaceships? That's like some kind of fantasy/sci-fi crossover. That's crazy talk.

"I just ate my face." "I can walk on my face. That's a much cooler trick." "And one that benefits only you."

"I don't watch sports." "You don't?" "No." "It must suck to be you." "Yeah, cuz I gotta hang out with people like you."

"She's working for a big Lab over in Mount Juliet. He sits, rolls over, even fetches." "Boo."

"When'd it come out?" "Back when Fred Savage was still fairly young." "Was he in it?" "No, I was just giving you a frame of reference."

"I have a date tomorrow night. I'm quite thrilled." "You have dates every night. It doesn't mean anything any more."

"I can list it on my quals." "'You carpooled with Tony for two months? This man can take some pain!'"

You can't say you're a better person for it...or that you're not a better person...you're better for having done it is what I'm getting at.

"How are you doing?" "Well, this morning I woke up with a guy in my bed that I'll probably never see again and I just watched one of my best friends die right in front of me, so...I guess not that great."

"What kind of name is Jaffacakes?" "The best name ever."

Hey, aren't you the guy that went to the wrong college?

"I need to get off this project. I've only got one mother left, and that's the trend." "Does it work for a mother-in-law?"

The only way you could've caught me is if you had a blue shell.

"It was a noble effort, but it was all for naught." "For who?" "Naught. N-A-U-G-H-T." "Oh, those people again."

"What're you doing?" "Just playing San Andreas." "Man, that game is so ghetto."

My long distance plan? I'm trying to live until at least tomorrow.

Tony! I have big news for you! But I don't think it could compare to finding more MATHS videos. That was just the kill all. It's the standard by which "big news" is now measured.

"...or maybe drive to Huntsville." "What the damn is in Huntsville?" "My grandparents, ass." "Oh yeah, that whole 'family' thing."

"I do that every morning with my navel - check for lint...with a little brush." "To keep you running efficiently?"

"I'll need some stairs to drive down." "Just make sure you use the handrail."

"What's your major?" "I'm in law school." "Oh, remind me not to get on your bad side." "What about you?" "I'm a chemical engineer at Y-12." "Remind me not to get on your bad side."

"Who all's going?" ""Robert, Keith, Jason, me, and one more. Not my brother Jason. He'd die out there." "Unless he was fighting Foot Soldiers or something."

"The doctor told him to just put a tampon in his nose." "Did he ever get sick of it and just duct tape a pad to his head?"

"Today's Super Dress Down Day." "Well, it is Sunday."

I saw some chick throwing coffee into a guy's face, and I thought, "I like coffee, we have something in common."

"So I was playing the 24 game earlier. Yeah, I got Tony Almeida run over by a subway." "Did he hurt his ankle and have to use crutches?"

"An emotional attachment to..." "Yeah, an emotional attachment to calcium. I mean I could understand an emotional attachment to lithium, but not calcium."

"*shrugs* Whatever floats your boat." "Water?" "I have an airship."

"Nope, I'm completely clutless...or even clueless." "Clutless? Better than clitless." "No, I don't live in a third world country."

You'll speak over 500 million words in your life, but none of them will be as important as when you tell your six year old he has cancer.

I am totally single, and hey, maybe you can be the one to remind me why I hate relationships in the first place.

"Make sure you don't burn any bridges." "I'd napalm that bridge."

"'Chinq'? Is that a derogatory term?" "No, not when it's spelled with a 'q.' It's kinda like 'nigga,' with an 'a.'"

She'll marry a normal guy, and turn him into a wife-beater.

"It looked like you were trying to get your creamer fully-dispersed with as little spoon movement as possible. It's like you moved it half a turn this way, back, up, over, and then you pulled it out." "It's like you're tying your shoes in your coffee."

I minored in "Piss off Josh," and I graduated at the top of my class.

"They need a game just on Rikku. She was so hot." "Meh, I'd rather have a game worth playing."

Do you have any type of mass storage device on you - other than your mouth?

Why does Ryan have glitter all over him?

Does Valerie still have the same birthday as me?

"We're all men here." "Yeah you are *ahem*"

His voice sounds shaky.

Tredayshee!

"I'll kill you with your own face." "I'll walk you right up to your face." "That's impossible: my face doesn't have legs.

"Katie Holmes has a baby." "She has eight ninths of one."

Oh, look. The dog untied my shoe.

You look like a tennis ball in autumn.

"Where does such high speed porn exist?" "Wasn't porn, but my guess would be...on the internet."

do you have any free time friday or saturday night, you are welcome to stop by
and bring me some punctuation

"Can you keep a secret?" "Indeed." "It's peanut butter jelly time!"

"In other news I am now a fully fledged man!" "Your other testicle dropped?"

"I'm glad I'm important enough to be put on the backorder profile list." "Hey, only the best for my friends."

"I'm a bona fide thug now. Now I just need a do-rag." "Oh yeah, cause we all know that thugs play acoustic guitars...and are white... and engineers." "Hey, don't hate."

"She said, 'That's like breaking up with someone on a Post-It note.'" "Hey, that's a pretty good idea..."

"You are fun, unique, smart, etc." "Extremely etc, if I do say so."

"I just learned 2 weekends ago that Lizzie is your sister." "I learned that nearly 16 years ago."

Hang up tulip/No you'll just have to wait/She said, "Lock up my feelings/Can't believe you locked me up!"

"So Visual Basic has some special commands that let it do things with Excel?" "Dude, it can do anything you can think of, plus 10,000 other things." "10,000? Wow, that's a lot." "Well, approximately 10,000. I used Visual Basic to calculate that number, so it probably beefed itself up a bit."

Why don't you just look it up on GoogleUNSR?

People of America, listen to me - I am the Mummy!

Just once, I'd like to see Jack pump his clenched fist in the air and scream, ''Curses! Foiled again. I'll get you, Habib Marwan!''

"Ok, I've seen Derek walk by three times, but I've yet to see him leave." "That's because there are multiple Dereks. They're piling up back there!"

"Have you sexed her yet? And when I say that I don't mean 'Have you had sex with her?' I mean 'Have you tested her gender?' You know, because, well...sometimes they'll try to surprise you." "I'm up for an adventure."

If there's no pizza, I'll give everyone a free autographed picture.

If you're going to college while you're still in HS, you have to be pretty smart, right? I just found this profile on MySpace, and I thought this girl was doing that, but apparently, she's just learning how to 'demand satisfaction':
"Columbia State Community College
Columbia, Tennessee
Graduated: N/A
Major: duel enrollment"

"How'd you find her?" "We got in a car wreck and I killed her brother."

Yours is when? Junetember 76th?

"Where did you meet this girl?" "At a George Strait concert."

Good god man, you hit the mother lode...and I'm straight...

"Tracks like this make baby Jesus cry."
"This track would make adult Jesus cry."
"Whoever made this map should be killed."

"Then I woke up, and there was a strange combination of fecal matter and semen on my sheets." "A strange combination, mind you...not a normal one."

"Why is this game so gay?" "It likes Coldplay."

"I wonder if Chuck Norris has read these." "He probably wrote them."

"Where were you yesterday?" "I got sick from the sushi I ate Monday night." "Did they not cook it long enough?"

I have no idea what's happening in this movie. I only know it completes the game quickly.

"Man...do you not have a life?" "Worse...I have a job."

"What time is it?" "Quarter after two. You've only got seven hours left." "No kidding! I just got here 15 minutes ago."

"Duty calls."
"You did say 'duty,' not 'booty,' right?"
"Well, I don't know. I don't know where y'all are goin'!"

If the groundhog sees its shadow, do we get six extra weeks of Title I?

I definitely do NOT wanna taste that rainbow!

You know, I DO have work in the morning...

"It says Gatlinburg, North Carolina." "It's wrong!"

Larn?
A leader?!
Heh.

Hmmm...now I'm wondering if I could write one. "So there I was, passing through the arches of the Chaos Santuary. Only two health potions and the weight of the mortal realm on my back..."

"Did Kimmie tell you how many classes I'm taking this semester?" "No, how many?" "19." "19 classes?" "No, 19 hours, dumb shit."

"Take those pants off!" "No means no, Julianne."

Tony, I wish your name was, like, Leroy.

"I can't remember what it is, shit..." "That's part of it." "Oh!"

"Ok. Let me finish my sexual harassment requal training." "Sexual harassment? You're not in the position to sexually harass anyone!" "I don't know, Charlie. You're looking pretty...swell, today."

"We should use ASL so we can gossip about thepoid." "Or we can use this." "Don't get all high tech on me."

"She's pretty smart for a European." "Hey, we invented you!"

"A tornado was always circling your house, and your mom would go outside and, like, throw a potion at it, or something." "A potion?!" "Yeah, or go outside and shake her apron at it and say, 'Go on! Git!'"

"Jeff's got a Chuck Norris beard going."
"Holy crap, he does! That's awesome!"
"No, you're awesome."

"Awwwww...play it for me...pweeeeeze..." "And why should I do that?" "Cause I'm cute when I pout online." "Dammit, that statement made me smile like a douchebag."

"Come on, computer!" "Isn't technology great?" "Yeah, they don't let me bring my sledgehammer to work any more."

"Can I kill you?" "Not virtually. I think my mage can take you."

"So your spot in hell is reserved." ... "I've probably got a damn condo down there now."

"I ate crabs." "I ate herpes."

"Did you see that there's a drumming DDR game out now? ... I bet the hardest difficulty is 'Rush.'" "And I bet the easiest is 'Def Leppard.'"

It's like he bridges the gap between emo and normal. He's like the ambassador.

"Nobody except Tony G*** would check to see how many servings are in this." "I would!"

"Colorful foods are the healthiest." "Sprinkles?" "Naturally colorful."

"scuaz...this is one of those pointless convos." "I see." "Yup." "Good job, you're quite efficient at it - getting right to the lack of a point right away."

"You should ask her about her car." "No! If I ask her anything, it'll be 'Shut up!' and that's not a question!"

Tony went to the only Ivy League School in Middle Tennessee.

Let's face it, Wes. I don't like you. I don't like anything about you. I don't like Chattanooga, I don't like UTK, I don't like Rose-Hulman...

"So how was your New Year's? That was like an hour ago, wasn't it?" "Yeah, I'm practically in 2007."

At Kroger the other day, I saw someone wearing a Rose-Hulman shirt and I said, "Hey! I know someone who went there!" and she said, "I got this at Goodwill."

"That's a louver." "A what?" "A louver." "I don't know what that is." "It's a hole in the wall that allows for some ventilation." "It sounds like a French museum."

I don't see how it's Vaudeville! I don't understand!

"Best Pokeball fight ever." "It was A Pokeball fight ever, if that's what you were trying to get at."

"Perfectly symmetrical violence never solved anything." "Except the mystery of who's inside the mirror!"

Haha, the Presbytarians only have three people there!

"Which one of us is Tarzan and which one of us is Godzilla?" "Tarzan?" "Oh, not Tarzan - King Kong."

"Hey, Gus? What's your name in Pig Latin?" "Tony."

That was a recipe for disaster - a recipe with one ingredient.

I was riding my hearse to Valhalla and you hit me!

"He prays in a weird position." "He's half-Christian/half-Muslim. He's gotta face east, but that's the way he's sitting."

Just because you're invisible doesn't mean you can air out your crotch in public.

"Ask yourself a question and then answer it." "What do I ask?" "Now answer it."

"She tried to perform oral sex on me in front of my uncle." "Did you write a song about that?" "'Uncle Paul, what did you see that day on your porch?'"

"I don't like those commercials! Cuz what if that happened to me?" "Well, you'd get a free huge burger - and you'd get to dance with his hand." "But I don't know where his hand's been!"

I hate you. I just threw an armless, toeless boy at you.

"I got it two years ago." "I agree!" "You agreed with a fact. That makes you believeable."

"I could loan you my Signing for Dummies book." "Well I'd need, like, Signing for Geniuses."

You're a walking clip show.

"GPA of 5.43? Where'd they go to school? The moon?" "Well if you wanted to be nerdy, you could say that the gravity is less, so they're weighted differently."

Every few years, I write a new verse to "We Didn't Start the Fire." The most recent one says, "A-Rod, iPod, Jacko's free, there is no god."

"Wait, how clean is your apartment?" "Pretty clean, for the most part: dishes need to be done, I vacuumed today, a couple boxes need to go out, but it's in overall good order for a bachelor, I'd say." "Not bad... just don't cook for me, I've seen your attempt."

"Business" BRDTFKLMGHRKWTFNYLKPQWQRTDFPLNKQKWQQQQQQQQQQQQSTFJRQMTSDTQMPRFTDPDPLHHRKTDTF "Business"

I'll be training...you know: how to curtsy to Satan and the proper way of filing the paperwork to sell my own soul and all that.

Apparently you can major in marriage at Brigham Young University, which is funny because of the whole Mormon/polygamy myth.

He gave me like five shots. It was numb for...in fact, it's still numb. It's about to go away.

My eyes are watering...it's probably cuz I have a fist in one of them.

"When I was your age, I'd be talking to guys older than me and they'd be talking about how cold their hands and feet were and I'd just think to myself, 'Haha, you old piece of shit!' Now here I am, older, and my hands and feet are freezing..." "Haha, you old piece of shit!"

"It's about $300 million and then in my other pocket there's a bit more in what's called..." "...embezzlement."

You could say, "Look, this car was going 10,000 miles per hour when it hit the wall and it only got minor scratches on its front bumper."

"'His name is James Heller.'" "His name is Navi Araz." "'Oh...line!'"

"Apparently you can't give if you have syphilis or gonoherrea...or hepatitis." "And they still let you?"

"Woo-hoo! Let's do funny things to each other." "Oh my..."

So do you make those for snack now? You sit there thinking, "Hmmmmmm, I really want one of those nasty chicken things I made."

"You haven't seen Fast Times at Ridgemont High?" "I was born when it came out!" "So? I was dead when it came out and I still saw it!"

"What're you watching?" "It's a video of a modified handgun that shoots elephant rounds." "That could almost take down Connie Hood."

"You know how to make it super hard, don't you?" "Yeah, but I don't remember." "Then you don't."

"I've got a piece of hair in my eye." "Well, at least you don't have a piece of eye in your hair."

"I challenge you to a duel." "Aren't you supposed to challenge with a white glove?" "It WAS white when I started challenging people."

"Look how red he is!" "I thought he turned purple."

"I told you it's $3.96, that's pre tax." "I told you I'm a church."

You wanna just come over to his place? We can play Spin the Donkey, or something.

"Where are you?" "I'm at Cedar Bluff and Cedar Bluff. The road signs don't make sense here. I'm at the nexus of the universe."

"It's like, 'You were in a coma, and here's what happened while you were dead.'" "Wow, that's a hell of a coma."

"Hey, they're cute!" "Hey, they're underage!" "No, they're not. They're driving!"

I got the new doll for my sister "Shatty Cathy."

Actually, we just broke up because he found out I wasn't gay.

Dibs on the filling!

"Is this ok, guys?" "I don't know, do you have something a little more intimate?"

...and if the dinner's not on the table when I get home, we're going dancing again tomorrow night!

"How did you meat her?" "I haven't yet."

...the men would most likely kill the monkey to eat along with their coconuts - not exactly SunSpot, but probably better than a scuaz wrap.

"'Would you like pest control today?'" "'He's not here yet.'"

"You are made of magic." "Magic and organic stuff."

Well, Wrenn wasn't there. She's in Utah cuz she's Mormon.

Jennifer left me a note that says, "Sarah, you can drink my milk. Happy Thanksgiving." Anna's says, "Water my plants. Happy Thanksgiving."

My house is gonna be eaten...can you get someone out here, like now?

"Ogden, Utah. That's the place." "Why?" "Cuz I wanted to change the conversation to something other than..."

"No, what is chess pie?"
"It's got pickles in it."
"Pickles and peanut butter...and chicken."

I could be like "Hey, Dave. You wanna go..." oh, what's something crazy? "You wanna go sidewalk kayaking?" And he won't be able to cuz he'll be married.

"I taught him everything I know, which is sad cuz it only took, like, two hours." "That just means you're getting good at explaining it." "I like the way you think."

"We've got our best and brightest in here." "Yeah, but when you leave, we're screwed."

"Dad, wait! Where do babies come from?" "Reese, I'm sure we've talked about this." "Yeah, but I'm blanking...two guys, right?"

"This has to be a record somewhere." "Yeah, Nowhereland."

Do you know how hard that was to write? It looked so real!

She said that to a room full of birds...but not Will and Kate, cuz they didn't make it this far.

"The wrong words are coming out of your mouth at the wrong time." "Yeah, like 'curiouser' and 'gloriouser.' There's never a good time for bad grammar."

We're just FIRPin' all over ourselves.

"Why're you so dressed up?" "I gotta give a speech." "Oh, I thought you might've had a phone interview."

"I have to do it to get away from the crowds and hordes of fans." "'Crowds of horny fans'?"

"Crap, I didn't even think about grabbing an umbrella." "You wanna run get one?" "Nah, if you don't need one, I don't either." "I've got in in the car." "Oh, damn!"

"What's the area code in Knoxville?" "There are several. Mine's 37923, why? Gonna check my weather?"

Who names something "Cranberry Celebration"?

"He leaves at 4:30...and he gets here at 8:90." "Is he on metric time?"

"How do I convert MP4s to MP3s?" "Subtract 1."

"He's the whitest black guy I've ever met." "Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait...you've met Thomas DeSina..." "Whiter."

Why are rasp, no wait, why are straw, no wait, why are blue...hahahaha!

I'm swing of the world!

This is delicious. It's even better from this altitude.

The Louisiana state bird oughtta be the mosquito.

"I *heart* bison." "Cody loves you, too."

"IIt has a picture of Connie Hood in all her glory." "...in all her braless glory...in all her undulating, braless glory...in all her festering, undulating, braless glory."

"Well, I'm about to head home." "Well, I think I'll stay here for another 20 or 30 minutes."

I refuse to give them 89 cents for one pie. I'd rather make you happy with the other 11.

If you did say that, I would've giggled at that very second...and had no idea why.

The village idiot knows it...my MOM knows it!

"Just when I thought it couldn't get any gayer..." "You don't like guitar solos?"

"You guys waiting on a pretty woman?" "We're waiting on A woman." "That's about all you'll get around here."

You're making excuses THAT far in advance? I can take a hint, man!

"What's the worst thing that has ever happened to you? (besides talking to me)" "Nothing, you nailed it."

"I'm not really sure what I want to do, either...other than make lots of money to support my horse addiction." "Horse addiction...do you inject or smoke that?"

I'm so excited, and I just can't hide it! I'm about to lose control and I think I just wet myself...

"I wonder what would happen if we irradiated her with neutrons." "A party. It's be like hillbillies and a bug zapper."

"Crabs are lice. They're on the outside, but the other things are on the inside." "Depends on the time of year."

Jeff, I've come to the conclusion...that we're awesome.

"They were drinking dark stuff. I'm not a dark person." "I beg to differ." "Well, I am compared to you."

Tom has well over 39 million friends...and I am not one of them.

"Does my camera look jerky to you?" ""Yes, although it could be just the guy in the camera."

"She doesn't have any business with you." "She's crazy. She has business with everyone."

AOL hates me because I curse at strippers.

Well, Gus doesn't count. Gus is like Switzerland.

Who invented fractals?

"Anna wants to send file Snow Patrol - Make Love To Me Forever.mp3" "Is that a hint? :-P" "Lol, not so much. though you'll probably think so, as the words that are in the title are the entire words of the song. But it's just so hypnotizing. I love it. Anyway, forever is a daaaaaaaaaaaamn long time...even for the best of love makin' ;-)" "Your subtle hints are amazing."

I'm glad he's straight...otherwise, I'd be in trouble.

Bottom line, America: Fruit of the Loom should stop modifying their sizes, and fat people should lose weight so I can find good-fitting underpants.

"What is Ben folding?" "Nothing, that's his name - Ben Folds. It's like asking 'What's Tameka tailoring?'"

"And what made you wanna tell me this?" "Because it's funny as shit."

"Guess what I did this morning." "What's that?" "I crashed the engineering server twice in five minutes." "Whoa! You should put that on your PDP."

"You need to change your clock up there." "You don't like it?" "I don't like the time on it."

Y-12's newest boy band, The Enrichers!

I would love it if a national anthem had the word "probably" in it. "We'll PROBABLY fight..."

Wrestling is real, ballet is fake.

"I don't even know where to start eating this!" "Just pick an arbitrary Point P on Hamburger A..."

"I don't have any neat parts!" "I'd have to disagree with that: you're female."

"She's naked, you don't wanna see that!" "Kimmie's dressed, you don't wanna see that, either!"

Just throw my salad out the window!

You put on your blinker to park?

Hey, you guys come back and maybe you can stay longer.

"Dr. Albu!" "What the?!"

So we'll chop off their balls and give a round of applause!

"I like your outfit, it's all professional and dressy..." "Yeah, I just got out of church."

"She works for Domino's! Don't ask me!"" Yeah, they don't require an IQ test like this place does."

"Oh...here's your cup." "That ain't my cup. I didn't abandon a cup."

"Why were you wearing a hat?" "Cuz I'm cold." "Turn on the heat, goofy." "Nah. This is cheaper...and stylish." "Cheaper yes :-)"

"The only Knoxville gal I know is married :-P" "Hahaha, and she's married to Crystal."

That hat makes you look like a Rolo.

Your ass might not know I'm kicking it, but I will.

Racism is great. Wait, scratch that! Hahaha!

"Are you going to sleep tonight?" "Maybe, maybe not...but most likely maybe."

We didn't get into rock and roll for the money. We got into rock and roll for the things you can buy with money.

When I got to the "I swear to Me" part, I accidentally swallowed my gum.

"I need to put a picture of you one my site!" "I was hoping you wouldn't find out that I go to your site so you wouldn't put a picture of me on there." "But I need some pretty people to mask the ugly ones!"

"She's probably mad because you didn't buy her 30 dozen roses." "I don't have that type of cash!" "You have that type, just not that amount."

(1) Oh, I didn't really drink down the roofie. I was just pretending so that I could be with ya. (2) Mmmmmm, roofies. Familiar yummy taste. (3) THAT was you!? Thank god, I thought it was Houston.

"You're a guy. Explain something for me." "Ok...computers work like this:"

All the guys' names end in "ee" and all the girls' names end in "ah." We can sit on the couch and go "aheeaheeah"!

"No, we went through an episode one night with tears and DDR." "Whoa, those don't go together!"

I think it's so funny that a thread that started out as a guy with shit stains in his pants and has become the love connection.

"You're jaywalking!"
"It's Thursday."
"'Hey! You killed him!' 'It's Monday.' It doesn't work like that!"

Clay Aiken admits he used to bite his toenails. If the image of young Clay in a red leather jacket salivating on his big toe doesn't make you ill, I have nothing left to say to you.

Doctors will tell you that nibbling nails is a sign of anxiety and insecurity, a nasty habit that can lead to infection. I'm sure they're right. There are certainly plenty of less painful ways to deal with stress, but really, how many times a day can you masturbate?

Look at my new sunglasses. Aren't they spectacular?

Meta file? Is that anything like a pedophile?

It tastes like sodomy!

Using a napkin while eating ribs is like drinking beer through a straw.

I know almost nothgin...or some combination of those letters.

"Ambien, works like a dream." "'Works, unlike Kevin Federline.'"

"Hurry up, Hector!"
"That was racist. How would you like it if someone called you..."
"'Rashaun'?"

"How'd you hurt your wrist?"
"Playing soccer."
"You're not supposed to use your hands."
"I'm the goalie."

"What song that was?" "'I've waited all my life to cross this line, you're the only one giving me blue balls,' something like that."

It looks like you're sucking on sunshine.

"Some groom! Learn your vows!" "A, E, I, O, U?"

"Why don't you ever do high fives?" "Cuz you're not tall enough."

"Gus did as much as Gus could do."
"Why didn't you use a personal pronoun?"
"Cuz she didn't know which one to use!"

Columbia's a 16-point underdog. Spring Hill's a 40-point underdog. Zion's a 45- point underdog. Looks like there's gonna be a good, old-fashioned, country ass whoopin' in Maury County tonight.

"Where do you work in the mall?" "The Shoe Department, across from Chuck E. Cheese." "I bet you go to Chuck E. Cheese to eat lunch, don't you?" "Damn right!""Do you really?" "Yes."

"When I get old, I'm gonna come back and take 'Underwater Basket Weaving.'" "I'm gonna come back and take 'Bangin' Young Chicks...101.'"

They smelled like candy and mustard.

Man, I wish I was poor so I could have all this cool stuff!

"He could be having sex with him right now. He said he'd tell you EVENTUALLY." "He's not." "He could be." He's not - I could see it in his eyes...and smell it on his breath."

It's dancing so hard its eyes are closed!

I could marry myself for that reason. That would make me a nun...married to god, and all.

"When doctors say it's a boy, they're usually right. But when they say it's a girl, it could go either way."
"Yeah, cuz it could be laying funny, or it's a bad angle, or its legs are crossed, or it has a small penis..."
"Not my baby boy!"

"Yeah, but Liz is a moron." "Yeah." "You're not supposed to agree with that! She's your daughter!" "Oh..."

"Sarah, get on the pad." "I was last week."

Yup, just when I think things are looking up between her and I, she has to do something stupid. Like not die in her sleep.

"My old roommate was an elephant." "She wasn't an elephant!" "Yeah, you're right...she was a whale!"

"Jodie, are you having a bad dream?" "Yeah, I dreamed I was sleeping and you were bothering me."

"Holy crap, a cock with a pair of glasses on it?" "The monocle kept falling off."

"I gotta go, I'll be dead tomorrow."
"Call in dead!"
"'Uh, I'm dead...I'll be in Monday.'"

If I was gonna give the Midwest an enema, it'd be right in Detroit.

If I had to sit between the two of you all day, I'd crunch on my teeth til they break, hoping that one of them would contain a cyanide capsule.

If I, in some way, shape, form, or fashion, had sex with Travis - wow, that just sounds weird...

That's hardcore sleep apnea.

"Can they not afford a real black person?" "I think he's a chimney sweep."

"Think you'd get arrested if I flashed him my boobs?" "No, you would."

"That's like saying, 'I can say all 50 states and their capitals alphabetically in under a second: *quick noise*'" "You got a little tripped up on North Dakota there."

This is neither the time nor the place for a game of Omok.

I just drank some orange juice and I'm about to watch some Conan...life is good.

"It's alright, my teacher looks good." "Who is he?"

"Mom, stop! Why are you shooting me? Mom!" "I'm not your mom." "Oh...*sobs quietly*"

What I wanna know is when is it gonna be the future, so we can call it "Ice Cream of Today"?

Look at her hair! I didn't even have Trolls with hair that color!

No wonder she was a virgin. She was ugly. God must have been drunk when he knocked her up.

"I like these shoes. That scares me, cuz that's girly." "You're a girl." "I don't wanna be a girl! I mean I don't wanna be a boy, but I don't wanna be a girl!" "You wanna be a Gus?"

"Buying red ninja whip." "Selling red ninja whip...just kidding, enjoy the nachos."

"Aren't you?" "What?" "Mexican." "Sometimes."

"You should've sprayed her with mace." "Yeah, except I didn't have any on me." "What's the first rule of being a woman?" "Don't use your teeth?" "Wow...ok, second rule..."

He looks like Bondage Man.

"It's like Zelda."
"How is it like Zelda?"
"Well, it IS a video game."

These are so good. I'm glad I make insulin.

They won't let them sit on the left side any more.

Driveby fisting

"JT's a douche." "You are what you eat. He eats douche." "JT's a tampon."

He walks like a nerd on wheels.

Keep blowing your nose, I'm almost there.

My shoe's on fire! Luckily, I have my Miracle Knife handy, I'll cut that bitch off!

"Into a mirror?" "No, into a bucket."

"Simon says, 'There aren't any toy stores.'"

"Keep it short." "'...I'm watching my minutes.'"

Ha Bir Gu

"What's the charge number for sleeping?" "Fired."

I'm Airforce Nick!

He can kill you with anything...including nothing.

I'm made of magic!

"Alright, here's Rabbi." "'Who?'"

"Shit! I just hit myself in the nuts with these things!" "Quick! Cut 'em off before they get infected!"

I love that Winnie the Pooh statue because he looks pissed. "I am out of honey. I am not ok with this."

There's nothing like a varmint with a tassel on it.

"There's a Star of David on the salt shaker." "That's because the salt's kosher. It's non-iodized."

I have never been to a restaurant that has had uglier employees.

I don't want money. I want rape!

"Are there any water fountains in there?" "Yeah, there's a couple of big ones, and there's a small one right there..." "I meant drinking fountains." "Oh, yeah. There's one by the bathrooms."

I am gonna put one piece of chicken in my mouth and one in my ass, because I am THAT hungry!

Thank you, Crotch Flowers. Go!

"Invalid password? What does that mean?!" "It means it can't walk."

"She'd scare the pee out of you, even if you didn't have to!" "She'd have a hard time with me, cuz I'm pee shy."

You aren't getting ANY tonight!

"Guess who I saw on Monday." "Me." "Yes, very good, Gus. I saw you."

"Tony, give me a pillow." "No." "Tony, give me a couple pillows." "What? Now you're increasing your demands? You can do it yourself."

"Cici's even makes better pizza than them." "Wow, them's some strong words!"

"We were 'cordially invited,' but attendance was mandatory." "More like 'cordially required.'"

Go ahead and scoop that Douche Delish.

To go along with the theme of great American moments, I think they oughtta show the footage of Fat Man dropping on Hiroshima.

"Hmm, another really weird dream...This time, I was Tom Cruise. I don't normally remember my dreams. Maybe that's a good thing." "What happened in it? Please don't tell me you banged me again...as Tom Cruise."

There's a guy on the side of the road selling rocks. ROCKS! It's like a grown-up lemonade stand!

"I just poured water all over your hand." "Don't worry, it was less than a mole."

"We're over here cuttin' a rug." "Well, I'll bring a pair of scissors to cut it with, cuz my dancing's not all that great."

"Do you know what an orgasm is?" "No." "It's any living thing." "That's an organism." "Oh..."

"Does your faucet only put out hot water?" "Not if you put it to cold."

"I can't remember. I'm getting Alzheimer's at my old age." "That's not something you say to your grandma."

"Brb, I gotta call this place and see what time the poetry thing starts." "It's at 7...or 9." "7 through 9, nice." "Questions? Ask the omniscient scuazmooq!"

"Yeah, one day Duke started bothering me so much that I was forced to take a drag off my inhaler." "Dude! You don't take a drag from inhalers!"

I was actually referring to my skull, but that's close enough. Actually, that's part of it.

Does Joe know you invented facials?

"Tony, you've ruined me." "No, diabetes did."

I was trying to get the marker off of my mirror and TJ goes "Try nail polish remover, it gets anything off," and I go, "Even your mom?"

Brad gave a can of spotted dick to LesLee, and I got my spotted dick when she went away on maternity leave. I think I'm going to take it with me when I leave, just as a keepsake. But what I really wanted was to buy a whole case of it and start passing it around so I could call Medical and tell them that there's a case of spotted dick going around Y-12.

Sunspot is a placed that is best reached conceptually. It embodies all of the essential elements of burgerness.

"Cool, address is Kaiserstraat 24c. Just ring, I'll come downstairs and we'll grab something Dutch." "Dutch oven?"

"Neither of you were using the handrail." "Oh yeah? Well you couldn't have seen that if you'd have been watching where you were going." "...*shakes fist* Foiled again!"

I'm not gay! I'm a homose...NO!

I hope no one thinks I thought it was gonna rain today. If anyone asks about this, I'll just tell them I'm using it to fight off the leprechauns.

Why is he way up there? Did we send the co-op to scout ahead? ... Listen for the "all-clear" signal and then run for it!

"A brief, detailed message" ... that's why you're a co-op.

I have a good brake.

I could make lots of money if I was in a commercial for Abreva.

Those deer once roamed free...

Those are houses. That's where we keep our people.

"Who're you talking to?" "Your mom." "What's she doing over there?" "Getting dressed."

"You know what kicks ass?" "An ass-kicking machine?" "Yes...how creative."

"/set variable 'lesson' = learned
I made up my own syntax"
"/copy to lifestyle
/save as 'wtf.exe'"

His name is Butch, and he's not a dyke. How effing cool is that?

"I can almost lift 20 pounds ;-)" "Hahaha, so you can almost bench your weight too!"

Do you think it's gonna rain tomorrow from all this dancing?

"And I've never seen Crystal in her underwear." "Not for very long, anyway."

"Showing off your guns?" "They're not guns. They're pea shooters. And speaking of shooting pee, I'll be right back."

"How do you get from Kroger to the interstate again?" "Did you just now get to Kroger?!"

"And some say I look like Lisa Simpson." "Who's that?"

It must be nice to have someone that can run away from you.

It's the superlative table. You have the tallest, the shortest, and the stinkiest.

Where are Jodie's stars?

It was a boob fest! Erin just hugged Danielle!

I was trying to think of a disease that wasn't an STD...

Who are you? The driver's license police? ...Which would be the real police...

"Is he dunking your head into weeds?" "Those are called 'sea oats.'" "Is that what seahorses eat?"

"Weird Al is the poet/philosopher of our day." "He's today's Shakespeare."

"I've got a co-op sitting here..." "*shakes head*" "Summer intern?" "New hire." "Well shit, he graduated!"

The palm of my hand saw it, but my eyes didn't.

Electronic Express is world-class when it comes to uranium enrichment.

Look at that - pink and lime green! You're like a couple of Skittles! I definitely do NOT wanna taste that rainbow!

It's like she wants everyone to see her second most personal crevace.

They were all like "Look at the innocent little girl..." You better not pee!

I think you made an assumption somewhere in your explanation. You assumed that she was conceived on a bed. Now I know they're Mormon, but they can still get a little freaky.

So when Camille was born, did they just aim for the tub or did they lay down a tarp or did they have the Shop Vac on hand or what?

"You know last night when Andrew was brandishing that list..." "'Brandishing'...I like that!"

I just thought of something that would make emo kids really unhappy...well, besides life...

You know, idiots are morons.

"What's wrong with your parents?" "They're cousins."

"I've called everyone I know..." "That didn't take long."

Take a nice, cool drink of Codwater�.

"Dude, are you in this movie?" "Yeah :-( Whoops, wrong box."

"How many is that?" "Thirteen." "Aren't there only, like, twenty?"

"Do you need anything to drink?" "Oh, no. I'm fine. I appreciate the offer, though." "Cuz there's plenty of water around, and all."

"The only type of movie worth paying to see is a romantic comedy." "Why would you pay to see them when they're on Lifetime for free?"

"What's that impurity?" ... "It's a scab."

I asked her if it's cherry-flavored, she said "Why does it matter?"

Shoot that one! [...] Shoot him in the stomach!

"I've never had a class where everyone's gotten it right on the first try before!" "You still haven't."

Like, I get people calling asking for funds for mice...with no feet.

"There's this really fat chick in my class." "How nice. Is there more to the story?"

"You're a spring chicken." "Oh yeah? Well I can throw out insults, too!"

"Oh, so that's what my wife looks like."

Hold your hand out like this and I can tie a knot around it.

How 'bout Wayne Headlock?

"...and you were one of the people who was real nice to me when I joined NWS." "It was an accident."

He wants to meet you. I wanna sit outside your window with a bottle of lotion and tissues.

Bithcass.

I'm gonna need a hacksaw.

"You like Michael McDonald." "That's what a fool believes."

"I am so sick of eggs." "That time of the month?"

I put my fork in there, too, so it would microwave faster.

I need to sit in the back because I have nearfartedness.

"Who was the first Secretary of State?" "Knoxville, Massachusetts."

Well, I hope you're Verizon because I'd hate to think that you paid minutes to tell me that.

"I don't know why I can't remember it. I used to be really good about remembering names." "Well, this is a birthday. That's probably why."

"What does that spell?!" "I'm not sure..." "'Thuper'!" "Oh, I thought you were trying to spell 'thumper.'"

65K? Is that a Mac thing?

"I think they're shooting for '07 actually." "Lordy." "But they can't wait too much longer - Sean Connery is supposed to be in it too."

"He called me an intellectual equal once." "That's an insult!"

"The best concert I've ever been to, though, was a Weezer concert." "Despite the fact that Weezer was there."

If you don't beat your meat, you can't have any pudding!

"I've seen turds that look better." "I've seen Forsythes that look worse." "You'd have to be a bit more specific." "Nah. And it was plural."

It's every man's dream to have a penis so large that he must hire a small boy to carry it.

"Dave-o." "Bruce-o." "Let's go home-o." "Let's not."

"How'd all the other kids get there?" "They hitched a ride with the local pedophile."

"I have an inferiority complex when it comes to you, Wayne." "That's just because you've seen me without my clothes on."

"I saw like three guitar stores whilst out driving around trying to find stuff, and I thought of you." "Why thank you. I saw two midget clothing stores and I thought of you."

I don't have parents.

I was gonna say "He'd need a helipad," but he'd probably need a heavenipad.

"Are you a gangsta now?" "Yeah, what're ya gonna do about it?" "Your mom...oh, crap."

"Why did Kristen whisper 'You're hot' to me at Shoney's the other day?" "She didn't." "I know."

It's a symphony of flavors. I'm in the woodwind section.

His voicemail is so stupid. Hey! I said that on the machine!

You gonna alphabetize your placemats?

That would be the first kid born with three ankles.

"Hello, right foot." "The right foot's not speaking to you."

"There's something there that keeps her hanging on..." "That's gravity."

"When are you moving up to Knoxvegas?" "Never. I'm moving to Knoxville on Wednesday morning, though."

Yakko's in tempo with the dishwasher.

"Yeah, she's hot..." "...in that sexy sort of way."

Hey! Don't be funnier than us!

"In the words of the late JFK..." "When'd he die?"

"I'll have a chocolate chip sundae." "All of our ice cream's melted."

Mom! There's a note from the future on the TV!

Brains aren't as important as my love for the three of you. That's why I'm giving you all labotomies.

That song needs words.

We're in trouble! Call Jay Leno!

We should get Dale to sleep with us. It's lonely without Patrick.

Don't frolic too hard!

We are the Bucket Crusaders...

Let's go listen to some Dashboard Confessional, and then we can go cry together.

See no evil, speak no evil, hear no evil. It doesn't mean the evil isn't there.

"What did you eat when you were pregnant with him?" "Pickles...lots of pickles."

VSU Channel 1

"You want a blanket?" "I have an afghan." "You have a napkin?"

I