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| Funny Stories |
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Addition date: 3-18-06
Occurrence date: 1992 or 1993 Location: A bathroom in my parents' house Players: Nina, Tony, and me Story: This story isn�t so much funny as it is freaky. My mom used to baby-sit a pair of siblings name Nina and Tony. Nina was a year younger than me, and Tony was two or three years younger than she, I think. One day when they came over, they brought a Ouija board. I was young and hadn�t had the opportunity to play with one before, but even I knew that you didn�t play in the middle of the day because of the amount of light that permeated the house. We all decided to pile into the dark bathroom and play in there. We lit a candle to provide just enough light to be able to see the board. Our bathroom is fairly small when three kids are all trying to sit on the floor and reach the piece that points to the letters. I decided to let them play while I sat on top of the toilet and just watched. It took us a minute to think of who to contact, when I realized I had an aunt that died probably 20 years before I was born. I told them we should contact my aunt Karen. Keep in mind that I, myself, knew (and still know) almost nothing about her, but they knew even less. And the amount they knew about her was consistent with what they knew about the rest of my extended family. So, seeing as how my mom was one of 13 kids, I figured we could start off by asking her which one of her sisters was her favorite. The pointer moved to �T.� I knew that none of the sisters had names starting with �T� (Maureen, Judy, Joyce, Debbie, Mary, Donna, Karen, and LuAnn), so I figured it was a cause trying to make sense of this answer, but I let them keep going. The letter �I� was next. I didn�t think much of it. Next came �M.� �Whoa...� I thought. The pointer then stopped moving and I was sufficiently freaked out, as I wasn�t touching the pointer and they had no idea that I actually had an uncle named Tim. I told them to hold on a second. I stepped out of the bathroom and asked my mom who Karen�s favorite sibling was and she said, �Oh, Tim was always her favorite.� This was enough to cause us to put the game away. I haven�t played since. Addition date: 3-13-06 Occurrence date: 1994 or 1995 Location: Behind my parents' house Players: Drew and me Story: Behind my parents� house sits an elementary school. Around the backside of it is a gravel road, which resides about halfway down the slop on the back end of the school. Closer to the bottom of the slope is a small little trench area with big rocks. The trench is surrounded by a big field. It is also visible to several houses down the street. Drew and I used to go there on occasion when we were bored. There wasn�t a whole lot to do there other than playing with fire. Yeah, dumb I know, but we all did it. The dumbest part was that we�d usually go at night, so our adventures could easily have been seen in the darkness. Luckily, as far as I know, they never were. But this story occurs during the day. So one day, we had a lighter and Drew was lighting dry roots that were sticking out of the dirt. The fire would zip up them quickly and when it reached the moist soil, it would stop. He did this several times, and then I wanted a try. I missed one important detail of the whole thing: all the roots he lit ran into the dirt. So I just picked a random root and the fire zipped up it and lit a patch of grass on fire. Keep in mind, now, that had the grass been as dry as the roots, the whole field would�ve caught. Luckily the grass was a bit moist. Well, I freaked out and turned around and started to run, in all my intelligence. Luckily Drew had a level head on him and grabbed me and pulled me back and told me to put it out. He didn�t help for some reason, but if he did, this wouldn�t really be that funny of a story. So I reached down and found a rock and started beating the fire out. At some point, this woman named Linda (though I don�t think she knew it was me, otherwise my parents would�ve said something about it) saw the fire from her deck and yelled, �You better put that fire out!� I remember that part, but what I don�t remember was my reply. In retrospect, Drew said it was hilarious how I frantically said, �I�m trying!� after she yelled that. I have no idea of knowing how long it took me to put the fire out, though I�d suspect it was less than a minute. We both sat down with a sigh of relief. Not three seconds later, he pointed to where the fire was and yelled, �There�s more!� A tiny section had reignited and I put it out in just a few seconds. We sat down again, keeping an eye on the area. We were there for a minute or two and decided we�d better leave. As we were walking back toward my house, one of us noticed that I had soot or ashes or something all up and down both arms. I said that I�d just wash it off with the house outside. �What if your parents ask about it?� �I�ll just tell them I fell.� That line always cracked Drew up, for some reason. Addition date: 3-13-06 Occurrence date: 1995 or 1996 Location: Alan's bedroom Players: Alan and me Story: I almost feel bad including this as a funny story since it was a completely mean thing to do and the story results in the end of our friendship (for an absurdly dumb reason), but alas here I go: At this time, I was friends with a guy named Alan. We�d been friends since probably around 1991 or so. If I wanted to get to his house, it was only a few tenths of a mile if I made a bee line cutting through a field. I was over there visiting one day and we decided to play some video games, which was often done when one of us would visit the other. We decided to play Mortal Kombat on his Sega, which was something we played all the time. For those of you that don�t remember and didn�t know, the Sega version had something called the �Blood Code� which would make a tiny smudge of red fly from the characters when they got hit. I�m guessing they also allowed fatalities, but I don�t know for sure. (As I was typing this paragraph, I was curious to see if I still remembered the code, and all I could come up with was ABACABB. I looked it up to see if I was right and I was. It�s amazing what sticks with us. Konami code, anyone? Heck, just for fun, just now, I also looked up the main code from Sonic 2. I was thinking it was 19, 63, 9, 17. I was wrong. It was 19, 65, 9, 17. I�m getting old.) Anyway, I had the first controller and I was going to put in the blood code. From what I can remember, the code, though simple, was somewhat difficult to get to work on the first try for some reason. I don�t know if it�s because you had to do it quickly or wait until a certain point or what, but both of us (and others I knew) would take a couple tries to get it to work. I tried putting in the code, and I messed up. He was kinda irritable that day, from what I remember, and said, �Let me do it.� I said that I had it and I started to put it in again, but it didn�t work with him yanking on the cord of the controller. Not wanting to give in (because it didn�t matter and I figured he could wait 5 seconds while I put in the code), I didn�t give him the controller. Finally, he got fed up with it and stood up and punched my forehead. My FOREHEAD. O...k... I just gave him the controller and went back and sat on his bed while he sat up really close to the TV and started playing. I remember sitting there and looking around. He was all up against the screen, his thumbs the only part of him moving, but I couldn�t see them as I was directly behind him. Being that I was directly behind him, and he was so engrossed in the game that he wouldn�t notice anything if I did it, I had the perfect opportunity to do something completely malicious. I could�ve hit him back, but that sting would�ve only been temporary. Sitting right next to me was something that I knew would make him hurt for a while. I picked up his GameBoy, which housed his copy of The Legend of Zelda: Link�s Awakening. I didn�t want to tip him off, so I turned the volume down and quietly turned it on. When it got to the title screen, I pressed start and saw the game selection menu. I thought long and hard before I did this, because as a gamer I know how pissed off I�d be if someone deleted a game I�d been playing like crazy for days or weeks, especially if I talked about it non-stop (as he did) and was almost about to beat it (as he was). With four button presses, his saved game was gone. I turned the GameBoy off, returned the volume to its normal position, and put it back where it was sitting, half buried under a shirt or something like that. I immediately put on my shoes and walked out the door. I laughed all the way home. To this day, I have no idea if he knows I did that. It could�ve been a game malfunction, for all he knew. Addition date: 12-18-05 Occurrence date: September 2001 Location: White Hall, TTU Players: David and me Story: David and I almost always went home on the weekends. There was a weekend not long after we started rooming together, though, that we both stayed in Cookeville. On Friday night, I and some friends decided it would be fun to play tennis really late at night. We grabbed our rackets and other equipment (I refuse to say that we also grabbed our balls) and headed for the tennis courts. When we got there, we were unable to turn the lights on so we could see what the heck was going on, so we just went back to someone's dorm room and hung out there, instead. I made it back to my room about 3:30 am. Now right after we met, David warned me that he used to sleepwalk and to not be too worried if it happened. Keeping that in mind, I thought it would be a really good idea to enter the room quietly so as not to provoke him. I unlocked, opened, closed, and locked the door making almost no sounds. He didn't stir. I took my stuff out of my pockets after placing me racket on the bed. Then I was going to change into my pajamas. On my way to where they were, I grabbed the racket to put it on the floor in the tiny space between my computer desk and the metal air conditioning unit. I rested it on the ground and then slowly tipped it toward the air conditioner. When that happened, a tiny metallic clank was heard. David sat up instantly and started staring at me with his eyes closed. I just grabbed my chair, in fear for my life, because he looked kinda pissed off. This happened for a few seconds before eh reached his arm out and just started pounding repeatedly (and quite loudly, I might add) on his dresser, all while continuing to stare at me with his eyes closed. I just stared at him in amazement, and then I realized I had to laugh, but I didn't want to make any noise because I had no idea what might happen. Finally, after about 10 or 15 seconds of the pounding on the dresser, I couldn't take it any more and I let out a chuckle that was barely audible, and he stopped with his fist in mid air, still staring at me with his eyes closed. This is where I officially freaked out. He stared for a couple of seconds more before yelling, "Were you giving away the pieces of the bowling ball?!" At that point, I couldn't help it and I laughed like crazy. He pulled back his arm, opened his eyes and kinda around, tired and confused. He asked me what I was laughing at and I said, "You don't remember what you just said?" to which he replied no. That made me laugh even harder. I told him to just go back to sleep and I'd tell him in the morning. After that, he told me it's probably because he was watching Kingpin a few hours before going to sleep. This was far from the only time the he talked in his sleep, but this was by far the most animated and the most memorable. Addition date: 5-10-05 Occurrence date: September 2001 Location: White Hall, TTU Players: David and me Story: Not long after I met David, the guy I ended up rooming with for my sophomore and junior years in college, I decided to play a little prank on him. For some reason, in between the sinks in the bathroom, there were hoses. Someone told me it was for girls that wanted to shave their legs in the sinks (it used to be an all girls' dorm, but went co-ed that year). Well, he was taking his shower and I got a couple people to come in and watch what I was gonna do. It wasn't all that great, but it entertained us. I, in case you couldn't guess, took the hose and shot water up over the curtain and onto him whilst he was showering. We all ran out of the bathroom, giggling like little schoolgirls, and I went back into my room. I don't remember what I did next, probably started chatting with someone, but it caused me to completely forget about the incident. Five minutes later, David walked in and asked me about it and it was all I could do to supress a laugh. I denied doing it, cuz I barely knew him and I didn't know if he'd get mad. A couple months later, I confessed to doing it and he said "I knew it was you." Addition date: 5-4-05 Occurrence date: Spring 1995 Location: Bandroom, WMS Players: Jon, Brooke, Mr. Tucker, trumpet section Story: As determined in the previous story, Jon is a goofy guy. One day in Honors Band practice, one of our directors, Mr. Tucker, was working with the clarinets for what seemed like forever. Needless to say, in a group of middle schoolers just sitting around with nothing better to do, someone ended up doing something completely dumb. Jon decided to borrow an ink pen from Brooke, for whatever reason. At some point in time, he thought it would be a good idea to draw a ring on his finger and a watch on his wrist. The watch was digital and read 3:28 (probably PM) and was most likely labelled a Rolex. Since we were all easily amused, we egged him on. He ended up drawing sideburns, a moustahce, and a little pointy goatee on himself without a mirror and, I must say, he did a decent job at it! Well, after several minutes of snickering, Mr. Tucker got fed up with it and came over to see what the deal was. I don't remember what he said, but I do remember that we quoted it for years cuz it was that dumb. He then snatched the pen from Jon and chucked it across the bandroom, aiming for the garbage can. It went nowhere near the garbage can. Jon then sat there quietly in his new look until the practice was over. His mom yelled at him when she picked him up afterwards. Addition date: 2-24-05 Occurrence date: Spring 1995 Location: Bandroom, WMS Players: Jon and me Story: So a few of us were staying after school (not sure if it was for Honors Band or what), but there was nothing going on and so we were standing around and talking. Things got boring, so I decided to say something incredibly stupid. I told Jon, "You know, if you were a gay faggot, that would mean you're straight. They'd cancel out." I don't know what possessed me to say that, but I'm glad I did. Jon thought about it for a second and said, "You're right!" He ran off and, like an idiot, went up to random people he didn't know saying, "I'm a gay faggot! I'm a gay faggot!" People kept giving him weird looks, and he tried explaining that it canceled out, but no one really agreed with him and he ended up making a fool of himself. Good ole Jon... Addition date: 2-17-05 Occurrence date: Spring 1997 Location: Bandroom, CHS Players: Laura, Jon, and David Story: Occasionally in band class, we would have a day in which nothing needed to be done, so we were free to sit around and talk and do whatever...as long as it wasn't loud. Laura often brought Goldfish crackers for her to snack on during the class and this day was no different. Well, Jon, Amanda, Jason, Laura, and I (probably just us five, though I could be wrong) were sitting together as usual. Not far away from us sat David, facing away from us and leaning over a couple people shoulders looking at a magazine with them, or something of that nature. Laura (I think...man, it's been a long time!) noticed that since David was leaning forward, wasn't wearing a belt, and had his shirt tucked in, the back of his shorts kinda bulged out a tiny bit...just enough for stuff to be thrown in there. Now Laura wasn't one to give up her fishies very easily, but she also didn't pass up an opportunity for mischief (hmmm...I'm talking like she's dead - she's not). She talked Jon (didn't take much convincing) to walk over and drop a couple fishies in the back of his shorts...and then again...and again. Jon probably dropped about ten total in there. We all had a good laugh and that was that - until David came in the next day talking about how when he was changing for bed that night, he took off his shorts and a million Goldfish crumbs fell on the floor. Ah, man. Those were the days, indeed. Addition date: 1-15-05 Occurrence date: Spring 1999 Location: Mrs. Henry's classroom at CHS Players: me, Brigham, Ryan, girls in class Story: Lots of memorable things happened in that class, I tell you what. The most memorable of these stories is the "Yo momma" story. Ryan sat in the back corner of the class, with me in front of him and Brigham beside him. We always talked and joked around in there because pre-calculus was just so freaking easy for us. (Of course, calculus was too, but that's beside the point.) One day, Ryan thought it would be funny to answer everyone with "Yo momma." "Ryan, what problems do we have to do tonight?" "Yo momma." Goodness...when he saw that it annoyed me and Brigham, that just made him do it more. This went on for quite some time. I remember one day, Mrs. Henry was talking about a circle with a radius of 9 and Ryan leaned forward and whispered to me "Yo momma has a radius of 9." I just turned around and said "What does that even mean?!" and he just laughed quite crazily. After a couple weeks (as I remember it), Brigham decided to join in. I was unable to have a conversation with either of them in that classroom for a while. At some point, I just decided that I was totally sick of it, so I decided to show them how dumb it was once and for all. I was sitting in my chair, just waiting for anyone to say anything. As soon as that something was said, I was just gonna blurt out "Yo momma!" and say "See how dumb that is?!" Well, in the two rows next to us was a group of girls. Being that it was late April, one of them asked another "What are you gonna do after prom?" to which I responded "Yo momma! Oh god!" My plan backfired. Brigham and Ryan laughed hysterically. I have no idea what anyone else did, cuz I quickly hid my face and laughed like a little girl. It was then that I realized how funny "Yo momma" is and in case you've been around me and you wonder why I say "Yo momma" so incredibly much and for no reason, you now know. Other pre-calculus stories with follow in time. Addition date: 1-2-05 Occurrence date: Fall 2002, Spring 2003 Locations: Nashville Fairgrounds and Grand Slam USA Players: me, Matt, Jerry Lynn, Amber Story: Around September 2002, Matt and I got some free tickets to go see the NWA: TNA wrestling show in Nashville one Wednesday night, so we and Randy went and had a great time. Before the show went live, the announcer said that the loudest group of people would be able to go backstage after the show and get autographs, etc. Having been a sporadic pro wrestling fan for as long as I could remember, this sounded kinda cool. Well, during the show, Matt, Randy, and I were quite obnoxious. This scored us free tickets for the next Wednesday, as well as a trip backstage. We went back there, I got a few autographs (including a Jeff Jarrett autograph for my friend Amber), and we talked to a couple wrestlers. One of the guys that put on a good show was a guy named Jerry Lynn who was briefly in both WCW and the then WWF. During our conversation, Matt mentioned the fact that we were coming back next week and that we were gonna come back sporting signs and we were gonna make one for him, so we asked him what he'd like it to say. He laughed and said "How about 'Jerry Lynn is a sex god'?" We all laughed and then at the same time all said, "Nnnnnnnno..." and laughed a bit more. Well, me and Matt made a bunch of signs for the show the next week (all of which have been in my trunk since that night), including on that said "Jerry Lynn says, 'Jerry Lynn is a sex god!!!'" When we got back there the next week, we almost didn't get let in...jerks. Luckily, we got in and ended up getting seats right across the ring from the camera. When Jerry Lynn came out, the sign was proudly held up and it got a full-screen shot for a good five seconds, which was awesome. He got to the ring and played the crowd, and when he got to our side of the ring, he saw the sign and pointed and laughed. The three of us were loud and obnoxious again and got to go backstage again, so we got a few of our signs signed, including that one by Jerry Lynn himself. He said "I can't believe you guys actually made this." Fast forward to about April 2003: the aforementioned Amber told me that Jerry Lynn was gonna be in town for the Mule Day wrestling festival thingy (wow, my town is quite hillbilly). We went and I brought the sign with me. During the intermission thingy, Jerry Lynn was at a table signing autographs. I walked up to him and I said "You may not remember this, but I just wanna see." I unrolled the sign and he looked at it for a second and then kinda chuckled and he said "Yeah, I remember it." A woman standing next to him was all confused and asked him about it and he told her the story of the sign, so he really did remember it :-) I asked him if it would be too much trouble to get my picture taken with him with the sign and he said "Not at all." He walked around the table and Amber had her camera ready. He asked her "Should I kiss him?" and she died laughing and said yes. So he did...on the cheek, thank goodness. The resulting picture captured the scariest moment in my life. Unfortunately, the picture turned out a little blurry. I don't mind, though. It was hilarious :-D Addition date: 12-26-04 Occurrence date: November 23-24, 2004 Location: my dorm Players: me Story: On the night of the 23rd, I walked into the dorm lobby, saw my friend Nicole, and started talking to her. Upon looking around the lobby, I noticed an unopened, two-liter of diet Pepsi. I grabbed it and, though it was only slightly cold, I took a drink of it and it was disgusting. I noticed the lack of any carbonation whatsoever and recapped the bottle. For some reason, I decided to take it with me up into my room. The next day, Nicole was up in my room and I opened my fridge to see what there was to drink. Not wholly forgetting the awful taste of the Pepsi the previous day, I figured it might be better because it was cold. I was wrong. Nicole couldn't understand why I wanted to try drinking it again. Maybe I'm just dumb, Nicole! Maybe I'm just dumb! I put the Pepsi next to my trash can so I'd remember to get rid of the foul liquid the next time I left the building. Well, a little while later Nicole left my room and I had a fun idea with what to do with the drink: deciding it was the right color for the job, I took the nearly full two-liter and poured it into a toilet. After the bottle was empty, I took a few strips of toilet paper and threw them in there for good effect. What'd I do next? I took a picture, of course. For the record, when I got back from Thanksgiving break, it was still in the toilet and it remained there until Sunday night (which was the 28th) and by that time, it smelled terrible. Addition date: 12-12-04 Occurrence date: circa summer 1999 Location: Hampshire Pike Players: me and Brigham Story: We were in Brigham's car, coming back from his his house. We were on a long, straight part of the road and way up in the distance, someone made a turn onto the road. When I say "way up in the distance," I'm talking at least half a mile. Anyway, Brigham just lays on the horn. I asked him what the heck he was doing and he just yelled back at me, "He cut me off!" I just laughed and called him a moron. Well, it just wouldn't be Brigham if the story ended there. So Brigham decides to reminisce and tell me a story about someone that really did cut him off one day. Well, the day he was telling me this story, his mind was working much faster than his mouth was able to work...and he proved it to me twice that day. So the first time, he was talking about the dude that cut him off, like I said a few lines up. He was going to try to say, "And when the he pulled out in front of me..." Unfortunately for him, though, a few words were lost in transit from his brain to his mouth and what came out was, "And when he pulled out of me..." Yeah. I laughed quite a bit, especially when I told him what he said. He had no idea he said it. The second time it happened, we were talking about allergies. We are both allergic to cats and our allergies tend to get kinda bad at times. Anyway, he was trying to say "I was sneezing so hard, my nose started bleeding." Instead (and again, without knowing it), he lost a couple words and said "I was so hard I was bleeding." Wow... Addition date: 12-9-04 Occurrence date: November 1997 Location: 17th floor, Outrigger Reef Hotel, Honolulu, Hawaii Players: me, Brigham, Drew, and David Story: So there we were, just hanging out in the hotel room. Somewhere, Drew found a pinkish hairbrush lying around in our room. He picked it up and just kinda looked at it, then asked "Tony? Is this your hairbrush?" "No." "Brigham, is it yours?" "No." "David?" "Nope." All three of us had claimed it wasn't ours. After a second or two, Drew then said "Ok, if no one claims this, I'm going to throw it into the pool," which was directly below our balcony. He asked us all again if it was ours and we all said no. He then proceeded toward the balcony and said "Alright, I'm going to throw it off right now if no one stops me." No one responded, and away it went. A couple hours later, Brigham the incredibly intelligent started looking around and then asked "Has anyone seen my hairbrush?" Me and David just looked at each other and laughed as Drew looked at him in disbelief. He asked Brigham what color it was and he responded "It's kinda pinkish." Me and David lost it as Drew and Brigham proceeded to get into a yelling match in which Brigham wondered why Drew would do something like that and Drew wondered why Brigham was such a moron. Brighm subsequently demanded that Drew go downstairs and retrieve the brsuh, to which Drew replied "no." I have no idea if Brigham ever recovered it. Addition date: 12-7-04 Occurrence date: circa 1991 Location: my bedroom Players: Gus, my mom, and Dori Story: One day, I and my mom were sitting on my bed playing Tetris Attack�. Gus was playing with a Barbie and a Ken doll, along with the standard furniture (inclduing a bed). At one point, Gus laid both dolls down on the bed and said, "Look, mom. They're hugging because of sex." This is the only phrase in this memory that I remember exactly. It was too funny to forget. My mom instantly freaked out, as Gus was only about 7 years old. She asked Gus where she heard of that and she said "Dori told me." My mom then asked, "What does it mean?" and Gus replied something to the extent of, "It's what happens when a boy and a girl hug on a bed." It was all I could do to keep from laughing! GO BACK |
