Australian College of Ministries
Student’s Name: Grant Mitchell
Student’s ID: C9901028
Item Of Work: Essay, 2500 words: Discuss the central issues for anyone seeking to counsel someone in "Sex Apart from Marriage."
Words: 3108
Worth: 60% of subject mark
Date Submitted:
Due Date: Monday 3rd July 2000
Signed:_____________________________ Date:______________
Table of Contents
*Introduction
*Society and Sex
*Sex for Marriage
*Desires, Excuses and Values
*Non-sexual needs
*Spiritual support
*Consequences
*Alternatives and solutions
*Conclusion
*Bibliography
*The issues related to sex apart from marriage are quite varied, and ultimately, as with most counselling, it is complex and personal. No assumptions can be made about any person seeking counselling in this area.
Thus in this paper I seek to explain, and sometimes apply into the counselling context, various issues. These issues include the opinion of society, the reasons for sex exclusively for marriage, desires and excuses for premarital sex, non-sexual needs trying to be met through sex, spiritual support through temptation, consequences of premarital sex apart, and reasonable alternatives to engaging in sex apart from marriage.
The first point that a counsellor needs to realise is that our society has a very different view of sex to that of God. It is primarily another part of a self-centered search for pleasure:
Our sex-saturated culture stimulates people to think about sex and encourages us to seek hedonistic physical sexual gratification. [1]
The media and entertainment industries treat sex as something that is fun and feels good,[2] and that is all the justification that is needed to engage in a sexual relationship. As one girl noted:
Television and movies make it seem like sex is just this fun, romantic thing that doesn't really matter.[3]
Even some of the leading experts in psychology have an opinion that merely links sex with happiness, making it again a purely pleasure-seeking activity.[4]
Society has placed its own standards for the place of sex:
"Sincerity" and "honesty" are the new criteria by which sexual standards are measured.[5]
That is, if a couple are sincere and honest with each other, there need be nothing from stopping them from a sexual relationship. Even counsellors are encouraged to avoid stopping people from performing sex apart from marriage and focus only on the underlying factors.[6]
The view society has of remaining celibate is a negative one:
A life of celibacy is popularly imagined to be one of misery, deprivation and continual frustration and repression.[7]
This is partly the reason why it is so difficult for single people to avoid engaging in sexual relationships. This, and the loosened standards society has placed on sex, makes it difficult for the single person who wants to remain celibate:
Sexual restrictions have lessened, sexual standards have loosened, and sexual expectations have become more liberal…These new liberal values are hard for sexually vulnerable people to resist.[8]
This celibate condition is seen to be unfulfilling, and so pressure to engage in the fun life of sex is applied:
But with the recent dramatic rise in sexual awareness through advertising and the growth of eroticism in the media, singleness has come to be regarded as an unfulfilled condition. The result of this has been increased pressure on single young people to enter into sexual relationships; unless they do - so the hype goes - they are missing out on all the excitement and fun of life.[9]
Unfortunately what society fails to realise is that sex does not always end up being fun, or exciting:
Sexuality does not provide automatic happiness or successful human intimacy.[10]
So what context has God made for sex to be truly fulfilling?
God has made marriage to be the context for sexual relationships.[11] This view has been misrepresented today as narrow-minded, repressing what is thought to be natural sexual desires.[12] However, there are several reasons to help explain why sex is only to be in marriage:
In a negative kind of way, marriage is recommended as a solution to sexual temptation:[15]
Now to the unmarried and the widows I say: It is good for them to stay unmarried, as I am. But if they cannot control themselves, they should marry, for it is better to marry than to burn with passion.
-- 1 Corinthians 7:8-9
God is intending to protect a person from the influence of sex apart from marriage. It is an enslaving influence[16] that prevents a person from making free choice. An example is when an engaged couple decide to have sex, but the engagement is called off, this opens the way for a person to justify other sexual relationships:
If [an engagement] is broken after sexual relations have become common, a psychological wall has been broken down which makes future sexual relations apart from marriage all the easier, but no more right.[17]
If this is God's clear statement about sex being only for marriage, what are the desires, excuses, and values that prevent people from obeying God?
Certain desires burn within every person. It is this sexual desire that creates frustration in someone who is unable or unwilling to engage in a sexual relationship. This frustration is a major experience in any life.[18] But these desires, and the temptations that follow it, are not things that make forbidden sexuality right:
No matter how tempted you may feel by the magical lure of forbidden sexuality, nothing makes it right - not the women's willingness to have a sexual relationship, not even her outright seductiveness.[19]
What is more prevalent is the casual, unconsidered, justification of premarital sex. Such excuses are:
However, sexual expression is so much more complex than a simple bodily desire and its gratification.[23] There are the concepts of trust, faithfulness, support, and true love all tied in with sexual expression.
Another common set of excuses are along the line of, "But we're in love," or "But we're going to be married anyway." Martin and Myers respond to these quite succinctly:
True love would be patient in waiting for the proper time for sex… If one gives in to moral temptation before marriage, what's to stop him or her from giving in to moral temptation once married?[24]
Ultimately, all of the excuses boil down to one area - rebellion against God's authority:
We distort Scripture because we do not like what it says and not because we have found a superior ethic.[25]
What hope is there for a counsellee with all this pressure? There is hope, as Searle puts it:
Sexual activity and sexuality are not the same… Men and women can enjoy their sexuality without sexual union.[26]
However, to find implement values that allow a person to express sexuality without sexual union will take strategic planning, will power and affirmation.[27] One of the first places for a counsellor to start is inside the individual's mind, for this is where a person needs to be aware that sin is first committed:[28]
"You have heard that it was said, `Do not commit adultery. But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.
-- Matthew 5:27-28
How a person allows their mind to think, and dwell, on sexual issues may play an important part of counselling. It is also the attitudes of a person's heart that can be the source of trouble:[29]
But the things that come out of the mouth come from the heart, and these make a man `unclean.' For out of the heart come evil thoughts, murder, adultery, sexual immorality, theft, false testimony, slander.
-- Matthew 15:18-19
What a counsellee's heart-felt values are need to be explored, and methods of expressing and enforcing these values may be needed. It is also valuable for a counsellor to express their own values, as sometimes a counsellee want someone else to present contrasting arguments to the ones which they hear from their peers all the time, especially in the lives of young people.[30]
Sometimes, though, people will be attempting to fulfill more than sexual needs through sexual relationships, and be unaware of their non-sexual needs.
Rosenau outlines the confusion of sexual and non-sexual needs:
Human beings have many emotional and physical needs: to love and be loved, friendship, feelings of self-worth and esteem, and skin hunger… The problem occurs because many of these nonsexual needs are often met in sexual relationships… Frustration and guilt are so often the results of this confusion of sexual and nonsexual with both areas of legitimate needs short-circuited.[31]
When non-sexual needs try to be met in sexual ways, the needs are often unmet, and worse still guilt can arise. A counsellee must explore what needs they may be trying to meet through sex apart from marriage.
One of the first areas is intimacy. The single person craves more for intimacy than for a sexual relationship and as Searle continues:
Many dear friends enjoy deep intimacy without ever engaging in sex… Intimacy requires a mutual deep personal knowledge between two people which can develop a strong trust.[32]
It is possible for people to satisfy their need for intimacy in non-sexual ways, particularly friendship. There is a range of feelings that a counsellee may be experiencing and need to explore, as Collins explains:
When people feel lonely, unwanted, unloved, and emotionally deprived, they often seek intimacy, tenderness, excitement, and fulfillment in sexual relationships apart from marriage.[33]
There is also a sense of self-worth and self-esteem sought in sexual relationships. As one girl put it:
To me, the idea that someone as cute as [this guy] found me attractive was incredible. And for the first time in my life, I actually felt beautiful, even sexy.[34]
This is especially dangerous, not only because a failing sexual relationship will give a person a low sense of self-esteem, but two people can only give value to a sexual relationship knowing their own self-worth is established non-sexually. A counsellee struggling with trying to find self-worth through sex, needs to know:
[They] are struggling for something that is far more basic, something that can be achieved only through a healthier relationship with themselves and better inter-relationships with other persons.[34]
There are other non-sexual needs that a counsellee may be trying to meet through sex. These include:
White picks up this point and explains that the focus of seeking pleasure is ultimately met in seeking God first, otherwise "in the long run you find boredom, disillusionment and enslavement."[36]
Kennedy observes that people "use their sexuality to get some reassurance that they are truly loved." It is in these cases that sex is not used for its true reasons "but to deal directly with the crippling fears of rejection that affect so many people."[37]
Not only Collins above, but also Kennedy, sees that "Sex is often perceived as a cure for loneliness" and he identifies that the real cause is one of emotional isolation.[38]
This is often seen in young people whom "act out sexually in order to establish their independence from their parents or their cultural background."[40]
There are also negative and dangerous reasons, that someone may be using sex apart from marriage. Rosenau points out that "revenge, rebellion, manipulation, sabotage and punishment" can be utilised with extremely damaging consequences.[41] It will take a good counsellor to help a counsellee to look at their underlying motivations behind seeking sex apart from marriage.
It is valuable to seek the underlying motivations of someone seeking sex apart from marriage, but what support can be given to someone who is tempted, or someone who has crossed the line and engaged in a sex apart from marriage?
Someone who is seeking to contain their sexual desires in obedience to God can seek "the presence, help and comfort of the Lord."[42] It is the power of God, and the friendship one has with the Lord Jesus that provide the greatest factors in finding solutions to this problem of containment.[43] It may become relevant in counselling to look at the strength of a counsellee's spiritual dependence upon God.
A counsellor also needs to be aware that especially in the areas of temptation of sex apart from marriage:
…a struggle with Satan is going on… [and] Christ must enter the battleground with his clear word… [that is] the pastor must elaborate upon what God has done in the past, what God will do in the future, and what God requires in the present.[44]
It is also relevant for a counsellor to show the ways in which God is acting in the present in the midst of a counsellee's struggles:
No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it.
-- 1 Corinthians 10:13
A powerful and necessary issue for a counsellor, especially with a counsellee who has engaged in sex apart from marriage, is one of forgiveness. The first area is helping a counsellee in forgiving themself, and realising that in the realm of sexuality "an essential part of this process is remembering that to lose a battle is not to lose the war."[45] One failure to uphold their own values does not mean that a counsellee will always fail in future.
The second area is in receiving the forgiveness of God. As McAllister points out using 1 John 1:9:
God is forgiving… You can start fresh with God anytime you want to.[46]
A counsellor can model this forgiveness, and in so doing help a counsellee understand and receive the forgiveness of God.[47]
With this opportunity for positive motivation and support, there is also a very powerful area of negative motivation to avoid sex apart from marriage - consequences.
Although a negative form of discouraging someone from sex apart from marriage, there are some very real, and potentially damaging consequences.
Firstly, there is a loss of self-respect and self-shame.[48] As one girl put it:
I could hardly look at myself in the mirror. When I did, I saw someone dirty, someone who couldn't control herself, someone who was slapping God in the face on a regular basis.[49]
There are other emotional reactions that follow sexual behavior apart from marriage including turmoil, guilt, jealousy, fear, anxiety, insecurity, self-condemnation, anger, and depression.[50]
Secondly, there are spiritual consequences for engaging in sex apart from marriage. This action is one of sin, and "sin always damages a person's relationship with God."[51] For someone engaged in sexual immorality, if this continues, "one's spiritual vitality and influence are certain to decline."[52]
Thirdly, there are ramifications to relationships around a person, particularly with a counsellee's family, and also any potential ministry they are involved in. As Collins summarises:
There are many examples of situations in which marriages have disintegrated, careers and ministries have been wrecked, families have broken up, and personal relationships have been destroyed because of nonmarital sexual actions.[53]
Fourthly, sex can actually damage the relationship the counsellee was intending to strengthen. It can block the communication of a relationship,[54] it can become the focus of the relationship to the exclusion of all other areas,[55] and it can become a contention for the lack of trust for fidelity.[56]
Fifthly, engaging in sex apart from marriage can affect the future marriage with another person. A counsellee may have to deal with fears of never finding a Christian partner who will be able to live with this truth of premarital sex.[57] It will also affect marital intimacy,[58] and it may cause negative responses to sexual activities later in life,[59]
Lastly, there are physical consequences, including exposure to sexually transmitted diseases (including AIDS),[60] and pregnancy. White points out that it is often a pregnancy that "shakes us all free of our vanity," which makes it more the more necessary to consider its possibility before engaging in sex apart from marriage.[61] This issue becomes even more extreme when issues of abortion and the disturbance of a supportive environment for a growing child.[62]
The consequences are quite varied, but what alternatives are there for people struggling to resist engaging in sex apart from marriage?
There is a positive aspect to voluntary celibacy:
A period of voluntary celibacy can give space and time to become autonomous and self-sufficient… It means you can truly reclaim yourself, and become free from the sexual demands of your own body and also the sexual desires of other people, which you may not always feel like accommodating.[63]
This can give hope to a counsellee who cannot imagine good reasons for being celibate apart from obedience. Another false belief that may need to be dealt with is that containing sexual desire can be injurious to life. Still contends that it is quite the opposite:
Sexual containment… can be a blessing in disguise, because its drive may be re-directed towards other, higher satisfactions… and of affectionate service of others.[64]
Paul picks up on this point, stating that a celibate person is better able to focus on pleasing the Lord:
I would like you to be free from concern. An unmarried man is concerned about the Lord's affairs--how he can please the Lord. But a married man is concerned about the affairs of this world--how he can please his wife-- and his interests are divided.
-- 1 Corinthians 7:32-34
A powerful solution to the temptation of sex apart from marriage is in bringing every thought into captivity and obedience to Christ (2 Corinthians 10:5). Also, even in the midst of failure, as Searle explains:
…we must remember that there is grace to cleanse and forgive each moment of each day, and we must never abandon the fight to keep our hearts pure, as Christ is pure.[65]
This support is best received in the context of a caring and supportive Christian community.[66] A counsellee may need to find motivation and strength to participate in the life of a church again.
A counsellor needs to be caring and careful when counselling on issues related to sex apart from marriage. There are many motivations for someone to seek counselling in this area, and as this paper has shown, there are many issues that may potentially need to be raised with someone seeking counsel on sex apart from marriage.
End Notes
Gary R. Collins, Christian Counseling: A Comprehensive Guide, rev. edn. (Dallas: Word, 1988), 252.2
Collins, 253.3
Carla Barnhill, "My Mistake," Campus Life Magazine. (Mar-Apr 1999).4
William Still, "A Pastoral Perspective on the Problems of our Fallen Sexuality," in Truth and Love in a Sexually Disordered World, ed. David C. Searle. (Edinburgh, Scotland: Rutherford House, 1997), 37.5
John White, Eros Defiled. (Leicester, England: Inter-Varsity Press, 1977), 45.6
Eugene C. Kennedy, Sexual Counseling: a Practical Guide for those who Help Others, exp. edn. (New York, New York: Continuum, 1989), 11. Although the point of looking at underlying factors has great merit, I don't think this should be to the exclusion of a counsellor's moral principles.7
Still, 38.8
Collins, 253.9
David C. Searle, "Singleness", in Searle, ed., 57.10
Kennedy, 11.11
Collins, 249.12
Searle, 64.13
George Martin and Scott Myers, "Why should I save sex for marriage?"http://www.christiananswers.net/q-dml/sum-f001.html, 27/6/2000.
14
Stanley Grenz, Sexual Ethics. (Dallas: Word, 1990), 181-2, as quoted in Searle, 65.15
White, 48.16
Collins, 250.17
White, 51.18
Still, 41.19
Peter Rutter, "Maintaining the Boundaries," Psychology Today. (Oct 1989).20
Douglas E.P. Rosenau, "Sexuality and the Single Person," in Christian Perspectives on Sexuality and Gender, eds. Adrian Thatcher and Elizabeth Stuart (Leominster, Herefordshire: Gracewing, 1996), 415.21
Barnhill.22
White, 55.23
Rosenau, 415.24
Martin and Myers.25
White, 57.26
Searle, 63.27
Rosenau, 419.28
Dawson McAllister, "What are the Biblical guidelines for dating relationships?"http://www.christiananswers.net/q-dml/dml-y006.html, 27/6/2000.
29
Collins, 253.30
Kennedy, 23.31
Rosenau, 415-416.32
Searle, 67.33
Collins, 254.34
Barnhill.35
Kennedy, 11.36
White, 58.37
Kennedy, 12.38
Kennedy, 12.39
Kennedy, 13.40
Kennedy, 23.41
Rosenau, 416.42
Still, 40.43
Still, 42.44
Dietrich Bonhoeffer, Spiritual Care. (USA: Fortress Press, 1985), 52-53.45
Rosenau, 422.46
McAllister.47
Collins, 258.48
Mark Van Bebber, "What are the consequences of sexual immorality?"http://www.christiananswers.net/q-eden/edn-f007.html, 26/1/2000..
49
Barnhill.50
Collins, 255.51
Martin and Myers.52
Collins, 255.53
Collins, 255.54
White, 57.55
Barnhill.56
Martin and Myers.57
Barnhill.58
Martin and Myers.59
Beverley Mead, Medical Aspects of Human Sexuality (Jan 1970), quoted in Kennedy, 116.60
Collins, 255.61
White, 56.62
Martin and Myers.63
Liz Hodgkinson, "Body and Mind: Lightness of Being Celibate" in The Times (Tuesday 19th Jan 1993) quoted in Still, 38.64
Still, 42,44.65
Searle, 69.66
Collins, 262.
Barnhill, Carla. "My Mistake," Campus Life Magazine. Mar-Apr 1999.
Bonhoeffer, Dietrich. Spiritual Care. USA: Fortress Press, 1985.
Collins, Gary R. Christian Counseling: A Comprehensive Guide, rev. edn. Dallas: Word, 1988.
Kennedy, Eugene C. Sexual Counseling: a Practical Guide for those who Help Others, exp. edn. New York, New York: Continuum, 1989.
Martin, George and Myers, Scott. "Why should I save sex for marriage?" http://www.christiananswers.net/q-dml/sum-f001.html, 27/6/2000.
McAllister, Dawson. "What are the Biblical guidelines for dating relationships?" http://www.christiananswers.net/q-dml/dml-y006.html, 27/6/2000.
Rutter, Peter. "Maintaining the Boundaries," Psychology Today. Oct 1989.
Searle, David, ed. Truth and Love in a Sexually Disordered World. Edinburgh, Scotland: Rutherford House, 1997.
Thatcher, Adrian and Stuart, Elizabeth. Christian Perspectives on Sexuality and Gender. Leominster, Herefordshire: Gracewing, 1996.
Van Bebber, Mark. "What are the consequences of sexual immorality?" http://www.christiananswers.net/q-eden/edn-f007.html, 26/1/2000.
White, John. Eros Defiled. Leicester, England: Inter-Varsity Press, 1977.
All Scripture quotations are taken from the Holy Bible: New International Version. Copyright Ó 1973, 1978, 1984 by International Bible Society.