(Scene opens in the real world, one year later. Everyone from the fiction site celebrates being alive and well at Cody's bigass pizza party)
Sumbudy: So I was tellin my boss "get stuffed"! He shoulda known better!
Alex: Whoa, so you got fired??
Sumbudy: Naw, they promoted me cuz I got cajones the size
of TEXAS!!
Vic: I luv it when a plan comes together!
Cody: I say, girl, that costume you wore for trick or treating was quite original!
J Smith: Thanks! I thought being an angel would be interesting next to JH's Pimp outfit!
JH: Ahhhh, my old fiction nemesis, competing for the costume crown. I remember it well....
J Smith: Too bad Jack won the contest.
JH: I was ROBBED, Dammit!!
(Rachel gives him a sympathetic hug)
Rachel: Awww, poor baby. Let's get some ice cream to turn that frown upside down!
JH: Yippee!
Jack: Thank you all! My hand made Marshmellow man outfit was a success! I was showcased on Jerry's kids as one of the acts!!!
Michael: Hey, anyone wanna watch Pokemon 3??? I got it on Pay-per-view!
(Suddenly, everyone hears a set of drums coming from Cody's closet)
Aaron: What was that?
Cody: Uhhhh.....
Jeff: Must be where he keeps his porn. Sounds like somebody's beating off!
Sumbudy: Am NOT!!!
Jeff: No, not SUMBUDY, just somebody
Sumbudy: You bastard!!
Jeff: No, I mean....sigh, nevermind!
(Michael slowly walks to the closet and opens it. Inside is a boardgame)
Michael: Jumanji?? Cool.....
Everyone: Oh no.....
(Michael opens it and starts playing. His piece, a brown platypus, starts moving on the board)
J Smith: You are *SUCH* a dork! Now we ALL have to play!!
Cody: I'm the shoe!!
Scarecrow: I'm Mrs Peacock...
Aaron: The green one....
Jeff: Cartman.....
JH: You're all doomed!
Sumbudy: UNO!!!
Vic: You sank my battleship!!!
Alex: Checkmate!!!
Brenda: I wanna zigazagHAAA!!
Jack: Huh?
J Smith: Whoops, look at the time....
Rachel: You want *butterscotch* on that, my bubula?
JH: Heheheheh.....
(The game reacts as the platypus stops)
Michael: Hmmm, it says:
Round one complete
but more to the story
A sequal is cheap
but greater's the glory
An old foe comes
to settle the score
He still makes cheap movies
He's a Hollywood whore....
(A bullet richochets through the window. Joe Chapelle bursts through riding an Elephant. He is dressed like the goofy hunter from "Jumanji")
Joe: TallyHO all you Meshuganas!!! I cometh to reap mine vengeance upon you ALL!!!
(He fires at the TV, destroying it. Everyone scatters. A herd of monkeys grab J Smith and carry her off)
Brenda: MISS THANG!!!!
JH: You FIEND!!!
Joe: She will become the starlett of my next Dimension pic, "Mummy Returns to Pearl Harbor to fight the Musketeer"!!
(Michael Bay and Jerry Bruckheimer fly in on Broomsticks and cackle as they high five each other)
Michael: Don't feel bad. We'll let her star with Josh Hartnett...
Joe: And my slave, Ben Affleck!!! We'll make her suffer under the corniest dialogue ever.....Oh, did I forget to mention all the goofy CGI EFFECTS????? MWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
Rachel: JH, Do something!!! Stop them!!! They took J SMITH!!
Cody: I LOVED that TV, Joe. I watched many fine hours of girls gone wild!!! Now, it's personal....
JH: You took my pal, J Smith, now it's personal....
Jeff: You stole from Jumanji, now it's personal....
Scarecrow: You DARE mention "The Musketeer"??? Now, it's....well, you know....
Joe: TTFN, ladies!
(Joe, Jerry and Michael leave in a flourish, Daring our heroes to follow....back into Chapelle's nightmare universe)
Cody: Joe.....you will regret this intrusion.....
(CU of Cody, enraged. Cue the "Captain Kirk" dramatics as he shakes his fists into the sky)
Cody: JOOOOOOOOOOE!!!!! JOOOOOOOOOOOOEEEEEEE!!!!! JJJJJJJJJJJJJOE!!!!!!
JH: (Dramatically grim) Time to Dance, Chapelle!
Aaron:Aw not this shit again. Well, ladies and gentlemen it appears the time to kick ass has dawned upon us once again.
And I will rise to the occasion just as soon as the Simpsons is over...
Jack:Yeah, and uh I believe I'll have another couple slices of pizza. Can't go to war on an empty stomach...
JH:Guys, we're talking about our best friend!
Cody:Yes, but sequels suck. And we shall engage in no such fruitless entreprise.
Jack:Sequels don't always suck.
Vic:Sure they do...
Tim Bello:What about Aliens?
Aaron:Eh, it was okay...
Tim Bello:OKAY? It was fuckin' awesome! So was T-2!
Jack:I think you've got a hard on for Cameron. Anyway, it all depends on taste.
JH:Wait, I've got it, I've got it...SCREAM 2!
Everyone boos.
Aaron: What a steaming piece of hogshit.
INT. CODY'S HOUSE-LATER
The gang is preparing to go off and fight the menace.
Cody:Have we got everything?
Aaron:I don't know let's see-guns?
Cody:Check.
Aaron:Ammo?
Cody:Check.
Aaron:Disposable enemas?
Cody:Check.
Aaron:Extra large condoms?
Cody:Check.
Aaron:And finally the stroke mags for use when the story lags-er I mean war. well, that's everything. off to Chappelle land. Cody, start your computer!
Cody:Ready guys? Here we go...
Cody logs on...
They are all transported to the set of the new Bruckheimer/Bay/Chappelle production of Mummy returns, and yadda yadda.
Everyone looks aghast.
Aaron:Sweet merciful crap.
On a soundstage made to look like pearl harbor are a hundred actors dressed like sailors with a beautiful model in 1940's dress.
FDR:Today is a day that will live in infamy! Today the United States of America was attacked by THE MUMMY.
Ben Affleck:Let's get that sumbitch!
FDR:You look eager to die son!
Ben Affleck:Not eager to die, sir, eager to get my paycheck and go home.
Joe:Hey what are those they doing on set! Kill them!
Joe's goons attack the troop. The group wages a fierce war.
Ben Affleck:Got a light, Mr. Voight?
FDR:Sure, kid. Does my face look alright? This prosthetic chin keeps threatening to come off.
Ben Affleck:Don't worry about it, Mr. Voight. I'm sure it was the same for the real FDR.
The group fights and fights, and finally over comes.
The goons lie dead on the ground, among them AARON!
Cody:Oh no! Those bastards got Aaron!
Jh:You motherpussbucket!
Jh lunges for Joe chappelle, but he and his minions VANISH.
Rachel(teary eyed):What are we gonna do?
Cody:Poor Aaron.
Ben Affleck(Off screen):Dear lord! Someone stole my Girls Gone Wild video collection out of my dressing room.
Cody begins to blush. He hides a loaded, lumpy bag behind.
Cody:Uh, heh....
EXT. DARK, and DREARY MANSION
INT. MANSION
J Smith lies bound to a couch.
Joe:Hah hah, we got one of them! How many writers does that leaves us with, Number 2?
Jerry Bruckheimer:Several hundred sir. None of whom are distinguishable from the next.
Joe:Goddamnit! You always have something negative to say.
Jerry Bruckheimer:But it isn't my faul-
Joe pulls a lever, and Jerry Bruckheimer falls down a long shaft.
Micheal Bay:Good riddance.
Joe:SILENCE, NUMBER THREE! We need to cook up some scheme to get them en masse.
J Smith:You evil bastard!
Joe:Whu? Me evil?
J Smith:Yes. You had no idea?
Joe:Why, I'm not evil...*lights dim*
The spotlight focuses on him, and the musical begins.
To the tune of "Silly love songs"
Joe:Some people say that the world has had enough of silly murder plots...
Bay:I look around, and I see-
Joe/Bay: That isn't so.
Joe:Some people say that the world has had enough of gratuitous gore and violence.
Bay:I look around and I see-
Joe/Bay: That isn't so.
Starts to dance, music LOUD:
Joe:Some people call me a b-movie hack.
Bay:They're full of crap!
Joe:But I say my films are just misunderstood/oh
why can't ya see, critics/the sublety and depth imbued/
in the the exploding head bit in Halloweeen 6?
Bay:They're full of crap!
Joe:I am the last true slasher auteur/the rest have succumbed to post modren hauteur!
Bay:They're full of crap!
Joe:Why can't ya see, critics/it isn't about quality/isn't about tact/to make a good slasher you just some cheap gorey tricks!
Big finale. Flourish! Music dies down.
J. Smith: And the point of that was?
Joe:I dunno. Felt like singing.
(Joe, Michael and a hurting Jerry gathered around their diabolical cameras to film the next scene)
Josh (As Danny): Oh darlin, flying is all I ever wanted to do. It's all I know. But maybe, just maybe, I can study law to help get Rafe out of jail for being in the air force illegally.
J Smith (as Kate): Oh Danny....
(She turns to Joe)
J Smith: Gag, I am not gonna say this. It's STUPID!!!
Joe: Speak the lines!!! Speak them, or I'll trap you in H2 FOREVER, my sweetie!!!
J Smith: Ugh....
(J Smith gets back in character)
J Smith (as Kate): I don't know what to think anymore. I don't know who to trust. Oh Danny, you're my only hope in this crazy wort....crazy wort???
Joe: WORLD!! CRAZY WORLD!!! SAY THE LINES!!!
J Smith: Next time, spell it correctly!! That's it!! I'm going to my trailor!!!
Joe: CUT!!!
(Joe turns to Michael)
Joe: We'll reshoot the scene without her. Have Josh's head explode, and pan down to a lone mask on the ground. We'll play back her lines and end the film.
Michael: You're a genius, boss!!!
Jerry: Pure genius!!
Joe: Yes....now shutup and get me a milky way bar!!!
Jerry: Yesssss, master!!!
(Michael aims a device at J Smith as she storms off. Josh gets next to him)
Josh: What are you doing?
Michael: Taking a Mitichlorian count. J Smith is off the scale!
Josh: Is that good?
Michael: Very good. It means her action figure will sell three times faster. but....
Josh: What is this? A Ryan Phillippe movie???
Michael: It means she's dangerous to us. I'll film her dramatic death scene, then get rid of her!!!
Josh: Bogus, dude! Wouldn't you rather have a hit of my special snootch?
(Josh pulls out a doobie and lights up)
Michael: Heheh, cool....
(Michael takes a hit, then plots some more)
Michael: We'll crush her under some cement, then add some CGI mummy soldiers over it to add to the film!! I'm a GENIUS!!
Josh: I've got to warn J Smith.....
We fade in to-
EXT.MOVIE SET-DAY
Josh runs down a narrow passage in between a convoy of trailers, trying his best to dodge other crew members walking down the passage. Because he's high he is very unsuccesful. Not only does he run into people but he trips and falls to the ground, sometimes for no apparent reason. Eventually he stops infront of a trailer.
JOSH: This Must be the trailer.
Josh jumps up a few steps and knocks on trailer door.
JOSH: Open up. It's JOsh
MANS VOICE FROM INSIDE THE TRAILER: Go Away.
JOSH: No, I need to talk to J...Hey that gives me an idea.
Josh drops acid before knocking on the door again.
JOSH: Open Up!
VOICE: I said go away. I have a big mean boyfriend and he's going to be here any miniute to kick your ass.
JOSH: You sound awfully dude like for a women.
VOICE: I'm not a women.
JOSH: Then why do you have a boyfriend?
VOICE: ..... Go Away.
JOSH: Fine.
Instead of going away Josh kicks the door open and runs into the trailer. Inside a man in a leather mask is whipping RYAN who is tied up to a bed.
The three of them stare blankly at eachother for a moment.
JOSH: I think I have the wrong trailer.
Josh leaves. He runs over to the trailer beside the one he just entered.
JOSH: This must be it!
Josh goes to open the door but stops when a hand reaches from offscreen and grabs him around the shoulder. He turns around to see JOE CHAPPLE behind him, A twix bar in hand.
JOE: What are you doing going into my dressing trailer?
JOSH: Oh this is yours? I didnt know.
JOE: You shouldnt go into my trailer. Evil lurks inside.
JOSH: It Can't be more evil then whats going on in the trailer next door.
JOE: Whats going on in there?
JOSH: you dont want to know.
JOE: Josh, I think you are spying on me.
JOSH: What?!
JOE: Thats why you wanted to go into my dressing room. You want to spy on me and take advantage of me sexualy. Just like the CIA.
Joe looks up at the sky
JOE: Why wont you leave me alone!!!! Why will you just let me live in peace!!!!
Joe breaks down crying. Josh is confused.
JOSH: Sir?
JOE: thats it!! I wont be raped anymore!!! I'm going to tourment you so much on the set and make you film so many unessesary scenes that you'll never work in horror again!
JOSH: NO!!
JOE: YEs!! Send in the evil Michael Myers!!!!!!
From a cloud of dust Michael Myers appears. Dressed in the full Halloween getup.
JOE: Not only is this the most evil Michael Myers yet but this man is more dangerous then Rosane at an all you can eat buffet!!!! that's because he's the Michael Myers from Halloween 6!!!!
JOSH: Which one?
JOE: What do mean?
JOSH: Which one. there was 10 or 12 of them.
JOE: Oh....This guy's number 7
JOSH: Oh and what makes him so dangerous?
JOE: He can drive!!!!
JOSH: NO!!! No!!!!! NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!
Joe bursts into an evil laugh as Josh screams and Mike slowly approaches.
Micheal Myers:I will KILL YOU!
Josh:What? Why?
Micheal Myers:What? Eh,I don't even know anymore why I kill people. I had a motivation...
Josh: The so-called 'rage'?
Micheal Myers:Yeah, yeah that's it. The rage-
Josh:What's that about?
Flashback:
Mr. and Mrs. Myers. bait each other across the table, while little micheal looks on helpless.
Mr. Myers:This pie tastes awful!
Mrs.Myers:What?
Micheal:Ok, Guys, I'm not gonna be a part of this.
Mr.Myers:Hey, where are-
Mrs. Myers:But you didn't touch the asparagus!
Mr.Myers throws the pie plate against the wall.
Mr. Myers: Don't interrupt me honey!
Flashback ends:
Micheal laughs.
Micheal:Wait, that was just a movie I saw...
INT. STUDIO
Cody:Hmm, where could chappelle be?
Mystery Man:Psst, guys! Over here!
Vic:Eh?
They look to the mystery man-it's Dr. Wynn.
Everyone:Ahhh!
Wynn sprays everyone with a dose of sleeping gas.
FADE OUT.
EXT. DESSERT.
The gang lies bythe side of the road, unconcious.
A vulture tries to peck out Cody's eyes.
Cody:Ow! Shoo, get out of here.
Jh:Where are we?
Tim Bello:I feel like we've been drugged.
Vic:Oh man, I feel like I just took a REALLY big hit...not that I do that, ignore the-
Cody:Yes, yes, we're familiar with your catchphrase. It stopped being funny ages ago.
Vic:You mean like you're obssesion with Girls Gone Wild?
Cody:Yes. Which WOULD be funny were it not so tragic.
Vic:Not to mention pathetic.
Cody:Yes, not to mention p-HEY! Shut up!
Jack:Aw man, what the hell are we gonna do all the way out in the dessert? How will we ever save J.Smith?
Cody:First we need to think this through. This is a website correct?
Jack:Yes, Joe Chappelle's twisted online carnival of shitty movies, and exploding heads.
Cody:Is it, Jack? Is it really? Who runs this website?
Jh looks down at the logo at the bottom of the screen-
JH:Miramax Classics, a subdivision of Miramax films, a Disney AOL Time Warner company.
Cody:Exactly. We must somehow get Disney/AOL/Time warner to close the website for good!
Rachel:How are we gonna do that? Look at the counter! People love to come and watch us try and find our way out of this shit. It's free publicity. Big companies LOVE THAT!
Jh: Hey, I just noticed something.
Jack:What?
JH:My arm. It's all pixalated-looking. Yeggh.
Cody:Hmm,according the previous window, we were created with Shockwave.
MEANWHILE:
Scarecrow wakes up on a cold metal floor.
SCARECROW: Alright, this is weird...
ALEX: Ouch!
He turns and sees Alex rubbing her bruised leg.
SCARECROW: You alright?
ALEX: yeah, just fell over. Where are we?
SCARECROW: Not sure, it seems familiar.
We hear an evil echoing laugh. Scarecrow turns to a window in the corridor and looks out... into space!
ALEX: What the...
SCARECROW: No.. not again... Not again!
ALEX: What is it?
SCARECROW: I hated Joe for what he did to Halloween 6. But i truly despised him for his work on this film where the orginal version never got into public hands...
ALEX: Where are we?
SCARECROW: Trapped in Hellraiser: Bloodline! Again!
The evil laugh of Chappell echoes through out the station. Alex and Scarecrow turn to see a giant, demonic hound running towards them. The Chatterbeast!
ALEX: Uh oh...
SCARECROW: Where are the others when you need them...
Dr. I'm not through yet....HAHAHAHAAAAAAA!!!
(Mysterio, Sumbudy, Px and Codebreaker fell unconcious, drugged by Wynn, nefarious cohort of Joe Chapelle. Hours later, they woke up in what looked to be an interrogation room. A single lit bulb hangs from the ceiling, swinging back and forth)
Sumbudy: Aw, HELL!
Mysterio: Mommy, are the power Rangers on yet?
Px: Wake up! You've been drugged!
Codebreaker: We HAVE been drugged!
Mysterio: Aww, great! I wanted to see Pink Ranger Kimberly! She's hot!
Sumbudy: Maybe later. Right now, we have to find out how to get out of this nightmare....
(Screams of torment and insanity fill the distance, sending chills down their spines)
Px: Where are we?
(Sumbudy goes over to a door and notices a little sign)
Sumbudy: Guys, get a load of this....We're in Smith's Grove!
Codebreaker: No way!! Joe Chapelle's neck of the woods!!
Sumbudy: Only he's off making more bad movies right now.
Mysterio: So, maybe it's not so bad. I mean, if he's not here, we could leave unharmed.....right?
(A voice comes up over the loudspeakers)
Lector: I see you are all awake now. Good. Very good....
Px: What the....? Aw, HELL NO!!!
Sumbudy: *gulp*...Dr Lector?
Lector: At your service....
Codebreaker: Hey, how did we get here?
Lector: Don't you remember? Dr Wynn brought you here.....you four were instrumental in the MURDERS of Cody, Vic, JH and Jack!!! Very bloody as I recall....
Px: No.....NOOOOO!!!!
Mysterio: It can't be! IT CAN'T BE!!!
Codebreaker: This has got to be one of Chapelle's tricks!
(The speaker comes to life again)
Lector: Did you say....Chapelle? As in....Joseph Judas Herbert Walker Chapelle?
(The door opens. Hannibal Lector walks into the room with a menacing grin)
Sumbudy: We didn't kill anyone...honest....
Lector: I believe you, young man. After hearing that name, everything begins to make sense.
Codebreaker: Can you help us Dr. Lector? We've got to save our friends!
Lector: Quid pro quo, Mr Codebreaker. Quid pro quo. I help you, you help me....
(The four get scared)
Px: How?
Lector: Mr Codebreaker.....let me see your right hand. Now.
(Codebreaker is terrified and doesn't move)
Lector: Confused? Let me ask again and blink your approval. Joe Chapelle is my mortal enemy. I will do everything in my power to stop him, but we must have....Quid pro quo. Give me your hand.
(Codebreaker goes to him and holds out his hand)
Lector: Very good. Tell me. Did you kill the others?
Codebreaker: No.
Lector: How important are your friends to you? How important is J Smith? How important is it to stop a Pearl Harbor Sequal?
Codebreaker: Ugh! I'd give my LIFE to stop that movie. Oh, and save my friends.
Lector: Careful what you wish for...
(Lector grabs his pinky and pulls out a butcher's knife)
Lector: Mr Codebreaker, I'm hungry, but I'm saving myself for a dining session with Joe. Consider this a down payment on your success.....
(He swings the butcher's knife down. Cut to Black. Codebreaker screams)
Lector: Now....let's go get the bastard!
In Halloween 3,Halloween Slayer is laying in a hotel room bed with the sleeping Stacy Nelkin. Slayer is channel surfing. He goes past the news,where they're talking about a big storm in a nearby town,and ends up on a channel that's just static.
From the static comes a voice-
Cody: Jon!
Halloween Slayer: What the hell?
Cody: Jon,it's me,Cody!
Halloween Slayer: What are you doing in the TV? Get sucked into a porno?
Cody: I wish. I'm not actually in the TV,I'm using The Force. Chappelle has returned!
Halloween Slayer: Chappelle. What's that silly bastard done this time?
Cody: Us fiction writers are in his net world again,but we're split up. Jack,Vic,JH,and I are trapped in some dungeon and the others might be dead. We need your help!
Halloween Slayer: How am I supposed to help? I'm stuck in Halloween 3!
Cody: Find a way!
JH: Or we're doomed!
Cody: JH,I'm using The Force here,don't interrupt.
JH: Sorry.
Vic: You've endured Halloween 3 for over a year,you must be the strongest person in the universe!
Cody: Damn it,I'm using The Force! Nobody else use The Force while I'm using The Force! It's supposed to be a special power!
Halloween Slayer: I'll find a way to escape,just shut up!
Halloween Slayer turns the channel,back to the news.
On the news,a weather man is talking.
Weather Man: The storm is expected to hit Junction City at about 8 o'clock tonight.
A lightbulb appears over Slayer's head,and he has a flashback.
FLASHBACK-THE DAY BEFORE-SLAYER IS WATCHING THE SAME NEWS AS THE WEATHER MAN SAYS THE STORM WILL HIT JUNCTION CITY AT 8.
FLASHBACK-LATER THAT DAY-SLAYER IS WATCHING THE 11 O'CLOCK NEWS.
Weather Man: Lightning struck the Junction City Clock Tower at exactly 8:37 this evening...
Back to the present.
Halloween Slayer smiles and turns the TV back to the static channel.
Halloween Slayer: I think I know how to escape!
Cody: How?
Halloween Slayer: Back To The Future like a mo'fucker!
Cody: Wha...
Halloween Slayer turns the TV and runs out of the room.
EXT. THE HOTEL-NIGHT-AS HALLOWEEN SLAYER GETS IN HIS CAR AND SPEEDS OFF,"BACK IN TIME" BY HUEY LEWIS PLAYS.
As the Chatterbeast got closer, Scarecrow and Alex made out its facial features. It was a Ben Affleck hound, coming at them like a bat out of hell. Behind him, running by his side, was another beast with the facial features of Tina Williams.
AFFLECK (to Tina): You're so pretty it hurts.
TINA: It's your nose that hurts.
AFFLECK: No. I think it's my heart.
TINA: You heart is made of neon, just like mine! Tee hee!
SCARECROW: Oh, no! He's quoting the dumbest lines from 'Pearl Harbor' and combining it with Tina's lame lines from 'Halloween 5'! I can't take this!
ALEX: What do we do?
Suddenly, from out of nowhere, Dr. Lecter jumped from the shadows, leaping onto the horrid creature. He quickly scalped Ben Affleck, tearing the flesh top reveal his brain beneath. Affleck got woozy and started stumbling around. He smiled at Scarecrow and Alex stupidly as Tina stopped and looked on, too stupid to know what's going on.
AFFLECK: Returning from the dead wasn't all that I expected... but that's life.
Affleck spun around in an overly-dramatic fashion, fell over, and died. A gunshot rang out, and Tina's head exploded into bits. Out of the shadows stepped Mysterio, Px, Sumbudy, and Codebreaker. They were all holding rifles and had just killed the Tina-hound.
SCARECROW: Oh, thank God.....Wait. I thought all the previously unmentioned writers had been killed by the anthrax snow.
MYSTERIO: Hey, I'm not going to let a little anthrax keep me from finding that Pink Power Ranger babe. She's hot!
CODEBREAKER: Besides, freak boy over there cut off his own hand!
Everyone looked over at Lecter, who for no apparent reason, was now gone. They looked around.
SUMBUDY: Where did he go?
JOE CHAPPELLE: MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Dr. Lecter has been cut from the story! I find him to be boring and useless. I hate him!
Px: In other words, The Dr. Loomis-ization of this story has happened.
JOE CHAPPELLE: I just can not have Old British guys stealing my thunder!
Lightning and thunder light up the sky behind him, his bright yellow eyes glowing with evil intentions. He suddenly forms a snake-like tongue and begins hissing at them, wriggling back and forth.
MYSTERIO: You're lame. Where's my pink power ranger babe?
JOE CHAPPELLE: Shut up! There will be no Pink Power Ranger!
MYSTERIO: But she's hot!!!!
CHAPPELLE: I don't care!
SUMBUDY: Forget about that! What have you done with our friends?
CHAPPELLE: You'll never find them! You'll never find them! Mwahahahahahhahahaha!
ALEX: You are such a dumb ass.
CHAPPELLE: I am not! I am Joe Chappelle, God of cinema!
MYSTERIO: Did he just say he was God of enemas?
SCARECROW: That's what I heard.
SUMBUDY: That's definitely what he said.
CHAPPELLE: I did not! I said cinema! Cinema, damn it! CINEMA!
MYSTERIO: It's ok, Joe. To each his own, ya know?
CHAPPELLE: Stop it! Stop it, damn it! Stop it! Aaaaaahhhhhh! For your little remarks, you and your friends will be forced to spend eternity in......
Joe: Tell them where they're going, Ed!
(Ed McMahon steps out of the shadows)
Ed: Joe, your sworn foes will spend eternity in The lofty Beverly Hills Mansion....
Px: Hmp, not too bad....
Ed: Owned by the Quirky Roseanne....
Mysterio: Arquette?
Ed: Not quite...
(Suddenly, big assed Roseanne Barr/Arnold/Stalin/Quakeroats enters the room and laughs evilly)
Roseanne: *sings* For the LAAAAAAND of the FREEEEEEEE.....AND THE HOOOOOME OF THEEEEE BRAVE!!! Ptooey!!
Alex: You bastard!
Jeff: Oh horror of horrors!
(JH's voice is heard out of nowhere)
JH: You're all DOOMED!!!
Ed: This palatial estate, built with hundreds of kitchens and only two bathrooms, is shared by each of Roseanne's ex-husbands....
(Everybody groans)
Ed:....Including a fireplace kit by Black and Dekker and a twenty-three inch screen TV by Magnavox....
Joe: War is Hell, gentlemen. But now, I have a movie to finish, product placements to make, and three more sequals to type up. Tata for now.....
In a dark dungeon somewhere,Cody,JH,Vic,and Jack are shackled to the stone wall.
Infront of them is a big screen TV,playing Armageddon non-stop. Michael Bay is standing beside the TV,marvelling at his movie.
Michael Bay: I am the king! Ooh,yes. The animal crackers scene! Walk them on her stomach,Ben. Mmm,I love it.
JH: Please,make it stop!
Jack: My eyes are bleeding!
Cody is squinting his eyes hard.
Cody: Use The Force... Project my being...
Vic: That Liv Tyler can play with my crackers any time.
Back in Halloween 3,Halloween Slayer is in his car at the end of a deserted street,while a hell of a storm rages.
Down the street is a clock tower much like the one in Back To The Future,and Slayer has run a metal cable from the clock,down to a metal lightpost,and across the street to another lightpost. On the driver's side door he has a stretched out metal hanger wrapped around the top of the door,with the hook end sticking up to catch the cable.
The clock is ticking,with 15 seconds to 8:37.
Halloween Slayer is revving his car,one hand on the steering wheel and one arm laying along the bottom of the open window.
The clock hits 10 seconds to 8:37 and Halloween Slayer's car takes off down the street.
Halloween Slayer: This is fiction,anything is possible. Fiction,anything is possible. If I die H3 just starts over. This is fiction...
Lightning strikes the clock and travels down the cable.
As it runs along the cable and over the street,Halloween Slayer's car drives under the cable and the hanger hits it.
Electricity courses through the car and,since his arm's on the door,Halloween Slayer.
Halloween Slayer: Yowza!!!!
The car disappears,leaving tire tracks of fire down the empty street.
Back in the dungeon,Armageddon has reached Bruce Willis's death scene.
Michael Bay is sobbing and blowing his nose on his shirt sleeve.
JH is screaming,Jack's eyes are pouring blood,Cody is still squinting hard,and Vic has fallen asleep.
Michael Bay: I deserved an Oscar! I was robbed!
Suddenly there's a bright flash and Halloween Slayer's car appears in the dungeon,speeding across the room. It slams into Michael Bay and TV,then goes on to slam into the wall.
Halloween Slayer crawls out,groaning.
The broken and bloody Michael Bay looks up at Slayer.
Michael Bay: Who...are...you...?
Halloween Slayer: Slayer. Halloween Slayer.
Michael Bay: Oh...
Michael Bay's head explodes.
JH: Help us!
(Rachel finds herself in the Atlantic ocean.....again)
Rachel: What the hell? I'm in the ocean??? AGAIN???? I suppose JH is going to sleep again and forget about me, that dingbat!
(Suddenly, Harry Potter flies by with his pals, Hermione and Ron)
Harry: I say, that's a bit of a spot you're in, isn't it?
Rachel: Say, you're kind of cute. Can I get a lift?
Harry: But of course. There's plenty of room. Hope you don't mind, but we're on our way to a Quidditch match. Hufflepuff vs Ravenclaw
Ron: Jolly good stuff. Want to see me turn my rat yellow?
Hermione: Ron, SHUSH!
(Rachel hops onto Harry's broomstick, the new Nimbus 2000)
Rachel: Youngman, I LOVE Quidditch....
(They fly off)
To be continued at Hogwart's)
Aaron rises from the dead. Or has he been?
Aaron:Hey I'm not dead after all.
Jerry Bruckheimer: Dear God, the corpse is talking!
Joe Chappelle: Where's my revolver?
Aaron: Sorry, gentlemen, but this time there ain't no henchmen to save your ass!
Aaron proceeds to whoop the shit out of them.
INT. JOE'S OFFICE- LATER
Aaron has Joe and Jerry Bruckheimer tied to chairs facing a tv.
Joe: Do you expect us to talk Mr. Campos?
Aaron: No, Joe, I expect you to die... OF BOREDOM.
Aaron pops a cassette into the vcr. On the tv screen we see
Dawson's Creek come on.
Aaron: Gentlemen welcome to Dawson's Creek, where absolutely NOTHING ever happens and yet the people always find something whine about. Usually in long winded, overly articulate speeches that would make Paddy Chayefksy blush.
Jerry: Eh, this isn't so bad.
Aaron: And it lasts an HOUR!
JERRY+JOE:You fucking sadist!
EXT. STADIUM - HOGWARTS
Rachel is sitting watching the game with a crowd that consists of many famous faces:There's the wicked witch of the west, The good witch, the Blair Witch, The Witch of Blackbird Pond, the Lion, the Witch, AND the Wardrobe,
Janet Reno...
One the scoreboard Hufflepuff is beating Ravenclaw twenty to one.
A bunch of balding middle aged warlocks rise.
Lead FATSO: Ready guys?
GUYS: Ready.
They take off their shirts to reveal letters painted on their stomachs that spell out Hufflepuff.
GUYS: Go Hufflepuff, go! You can do it, nothing to it, GO, GO, GO!
A police man comes over.
Police guy: Eh gentlemen, I'm gonna have to ask you to put your shirts back on.
Guy: What about her? She's not wearing a shirt.
The guys point to rachel, shirtless(but not topless) painted in the colors of team Hufflepuff.
Police guy: She's female. Nobody cares if HER oversized breats are bared in public...
Rachel: Say, could you give me a lift?
Police guy: Sure, sweet cakes, where do you want to go?
Rachel: How far is it to Miramax Studios?
police guy: Only about 56 KB.
Rachel: Really? Will you take me?
police guy: Let's roll.
EXT. FIELD
HARRY POTTER: Where is she going?
GUY: Harry, watch out!
HARRY: Eh?
The ball is headed in Harry's direction. A million guys on the opposing team come charging toward harry on broomsticks, from a hundred different direction.
EXT. BROADCAST BOOTH
A horrific scream O.S. Blood splatters the window.
Anchor man: And it looks like that was it for number 76.
Co-anchor: Oh, that's GOT TO HURT. Let's see that quadruple impaling again folks.
CUT TO:
(Suddenly, Graham Chapman steps in front of the screen, dressed like a 70's British General)
General: Aw roight!! Stawp it, stawp it, this instant!! This story is becoming a bit too silly!
(A letter suddenly pops up)
Dear writers at the MB:
I am deeply offended by the use of brooms in violent sports games. I use a broom all the time, and I would never DREAM of being violent with it. Oh, and stop being silly.
Signed,
Tiggy Sortybottom
(Another letter pops up in typical Monty Python fashion)
Dear writers at the mb:
I am deeply offended by people who write about being offended and use brooms and I am extremely put out by topless fat men. I would highly recommend you stick with the Queen's protocol while typing this story. Oh, and could you please write in a lesbian shower scene featuring J Smith, Carmen Electra, and Katie Beckinsdale with extreme close ups of multiple tits and bums?
Sincerely,
John Thomas Appleby
Halloween Slayer has released JH,Cody,Jack,and Vic from their shackles and they're now going up the stairs out of the dungeon.
They reach the door and open it,walking into-
A lofty Beverly Hills mansion that,unbeknownst to them,is owned by Roseanne.
Jack: Nice place.
Halloween Slayer: Hell of alot better than the H3 locales.
The group walks down a hallway,and as they pass a door voices are heard from the other side.
Cody: That voice sounds familiar.
Cody opens the door,and the group walk into the huge kitchen,where 30 cooks are preparing Roseanne's lunch. One of these cooks is Freddie Prinze Jr.,and helping him cook is the Pillsbury Doughboy.
Freddie has just stuck some cookies in the oven.
Doughboy: Alright,it'd be good if the oven was on.
Freddie: Huh?
Doughboy: I've got it.
Doughboy turns the oven on.
Doughboy: You're actually supposed to pre-heat,but...
Cody: Poppin' Fresh!
The Doughboy looks over as the group of writers walks up.
Doughboy: Hey guys! What are you doing here?
Jack: We have no idea.
Vic: What the hell is Freddie Prinze Jr. doing here?
Doughboy: Oh,Hollywood finally realized that he has the acting range of a cud chewing cow and he got booted from SAG. Now he's a cook,and since Roseanne mainly eats Pillsbury products I've been cursed with having to help him.
JH: Roseanne?
Doughboy: Yeah,this is her mansion.
JH: Dear god,no!!!
Freddie is looking at the writers with his vacant stare.
Freddie: Huh?
Cody: Anybody home Freddie?
Cody waves his hand infront of Freddie's face.
Freddie: Huh?
Cody: You know,since we ended up here he's probably a Thorn member.
Doughboy: Really? I hate Thorn members!
Vic: Then smoke this motherfucker like it ain't no thang!
Doughboy lets out a war cry and jumps in the air,grabbing Freddie by the head and slamming his face down into a tray of freshly cooked buns. He then sits on the back of Freddie's head,smothering him in the buns.
Freddie just lets himself be smothered,not trying to fight back.
Freddie: Huh? Huh? Huh?
Freddie finally dies.
Doughboy: These other cooks Thorn members too?
Vic: Nah.
Cody: I doubt it.
Doughboy hops off his head and grabs one of the buns,holding it out to the writers.
Doughboy: I helped cook these,why don't you butter my buns and have a taste?
Halloween Slayer: I'd have to pass on that.
Cody: We're busy right now,Doughboy,we've got to find Joe Chappelle and kick some ass!
Doughboy is suddenly grabbed from behind by a huge beast that turns out to be Roseanne.
Doughboy's first reflex is to giggle,but then he starts screaming.
Doughboy: Help me!
Roseanne tosses Doughboy into her mouth and swallows him whole.
Cody enters armed with a power loader.
Cody: Step away from him, you BITCH!
Roseanne ROARS! A second tiny Roseanne head comes out of her mouth and gnashes its jaws.
JH: Cody, let me use my dark jedi powers!!
Cody: NO! I'M the jedi!! I get to use this shit!!
JH: Dammit!
(Roseanne rams into Cody with full force. She starts to sing Creed songs, with backup by her her mini-tongue-head. Cody stares at her and strains like he'll pop a brain vein)
Jack: Better concentrate, sonny Bono, cuz I can't take much more of this!
Aaron: Do we all get a chance to show off our Mystery Men skills before she eats us?
Ebert: CUT!!!
(Suddenly, everything stops. Our whole story is now shown on a movie screen. POV backs up to reveal Ebert, Roeper, and the ghost of Siskel arguing)
Ebert: This is, BY FAR, the WORST piece of Nightmare trash I have EVER seen! We keep shifting back and forth in the story. What about Chapelle and his plot to ruin history and young minds??
Roeper: Exactly! What ABOUT Josh Hartnett and his big scene with Kirsten Dunst. You know, Watermelon schnapps makes the movie more bearable!
Ebert: I YEARN for the sights and sounds of a good David Arquette flick like Ready To Rumble 3!!
Siskel: I like this flick. It's got style, it's got drama, it's got hot sex between Roseanne and George Wendt. Joe Chapelle, I salute you!! I only wish you did Armageddon 2 and kept the asteroid car chase with Nicholas Cage
Ebert: Oh MAN!!
Roeper: I'm gonna be sick!
Ebert: You really ARE in Hell, aren't you, Gene?
Siskel: Not really....Hell wouldn't have me!!! MWAHAHAHA!!!
(Siskel pulls off his mask to reveal himself as Joe Chappelle!!! AGAIN!!!)
Roeper: Hey Jerk!! Speed kills!!
Ebert: You suck donkey dicks on a hot day in July, you Sean Cunningham wannabe!!
Roeper: This nightmare movie is *totally* two thumbs down! You make Roger Corman look like Alfred Hitchcock!!
(Joe pulls out a handful of runestones)
Joe: THORN!!!
(Ebert and Roeper become hypnotized to his will)
Joe: Now....how do you like the movie?
Ebert: It-is-excellent
Roeper: It-is-good.
Ebert: A-triumph
Roeper: It-puts-the-fun-back-in-Pearl-Harbor
Ebert: Two-thumbs-up.
Roeper: Way-cool.
Joe: Yeah, whatever. Shutup.
(Joe turns to us evilly)
Joe: I'm going to skip your pathetic little battle with Rosy! In fact, I'm CUTTING IT FROM THE MOVIE!!! AHAAAHAAAHAAA!!!! Cuz I'm a FUCKIN GENIUS!!!!
(Joe laughs some more, then stops suddenly)
Joe: FUCK YOU!!! ASSWIPE!!!
(He composes himself)
Joe: This next scene is where we meet Jerry and Michael and myself at the set of Pearl Harbor 2. We are about to film the dramatic shower scene featuring J Smith, her lesbian lover Carmen Elektra, and the innocent cheerleader Nympho played by Katie Beckinsdale.....Oh, Did I forget to mention....THE NUDITY!!!!????
(Joe licks his slobbering lips and plays with himself)
Joe: ROLL THE FUCKING CAMERA!!! NOW!!!!
(Scene opens. J Smith, is fully clothed and kicking Jerry B's butt)
J Smith: NUDE SCENE??? You fuckin PERV!!!!
(Josh bursts into the shower room)
Josh: The japanese are coming! And they're being led by RAFE!!!
J Smith: That prick!
Josh: I don't get it. First he saves England singlehandedly, then he goes to egypt to battle the Scorpion king, then he joins the ENEMY????
(Ben Affleck enters, wearing a bad wig and speaking out of sync with his now dubbed in words)
Ben: You are all DOOMED!!!
Josh: Rafe, we thought you were dead!
Ben: PISS OFF, OLD CHAP!!
Josh: We thought you were dead, Rafe! You're the only family I got!
Ben: I'm the star. Fuck you, G.I.!!
J Smith: Hey Rafe, Carmen Electra's in here....and she's naked!
Ben: Ooooh, goodygoodygoody!
(Ben jumps on Carmen and starts to play bump ugly. J Smith and Josh run from the Japanese. J Smith gets to her poodle, chained to a nearby jeep. She releases him)
J Smith: Listen, Snooky, I need you to find the other writers! Find them fast. They're at Roseanne's house. Can you do this for me and a scooby snack?
Snooky: Ruff Ruff!
J Smith: Go! Go Snooky, go!!!
(Snooky runs to the fight at Roseanne's)
J Smith: We've got a one in a million chance!
Josh: It'll take a miracle!
(Meanwhile, back at the battle, Roseanne was sitting on Cody and spent her time trying to make Jeff her next husband)
Roseanne: Jeffy Jeffy Jeff!! I want your sweet lovin!! I want you deep inside me so I can sing!! OH SAY CAN YOU SEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!
Jeff: AHHHHHHHHHHH! MotherPUSSBUCKET!!!
Cody: *cough* *cough* You think YOU have it bad! If I didn't know better, I'd say a giant dead whale was trying to hump me!! HELP!!!
Snooky enters the dark and dreary mansion.
Snooky:Ruff! Ruff!
Aaron: Look everybody! It's snooky!
Roseanne: Mmm...poodle!
Roseanna begins to lurch toward the poodle.
Snooky runs off into another part of the mansion afraid for his life.
Cody: Oh thank GOD!
Jack: We need to get out of here. Quickly before she returns.
JH: This way gentlemen.
JH throws open the kitchen door.
They step inside to find-
INT. KITCHEN
A hundred unwashed, poorly clothed immigrants in chains prepare Roseanne's dinner.
The head chef chases geese around with an axe.
Chef: Come back, so I can kill you!
One of the workers falls over.
Woman: Emmanuel has dropped dead of exhaustion!
Man: Quick, put his body in a tub of ice. Tommarow Roseanne is in for a REAL treat.
Woman: She DOES seem to have a taste for Mexican peasants...
Meanwhile the guys try to sneak out unnoticed.
Man: Hey, these guys are trying to get away!
Woman: Oh they are, are they? We'll just see about that.
They all whip out kitchen utensils and advance on our guys.
The Batman tv show theme begins to play. "Bams!" and "pows!'
pop up on screen whenever someone is hit as team Fan Fic battles the Kitchen staff from Hell.
Aaron, brusied and bloody, tries to crawl away. A cook yanks him back into the fight.
Aaron: Just when I think I'm out, they pull me back in-
Just then a terrible tremor shakes the kitchen.
JH looks to a cup of water on the table. BOOM.
Concentric circles ripple through the glass of water.
BOOM.
The staff scurries back to their original positions.
Roseanne's bursts through the door with a yell not unlike the T-Rex from Jurrasic park.
Team fan fic screams, and tries to run for the door.
Aaron: Stop it! Don't move! She can't see us if we don't move.
EXT. MANSION
Josh: Look, it's 6:25. The Jones tower is almost two hours away. If we don't go now, we'll never make it in time for the lightening strike and be able to go back in time and kill Joe Chappelle at birth.
J Smith:Eh?
Josh: Well the original plan was escape. But I think we should kill two birds with one stone.
J Smith: I can't leave my friends!
A beat.
Josh: Alright, we don't go.
J Smith: I want to go back and help them.
Josh: Are you crazy? The bitch will eat us too.
J Smith: We HAVE to do it. No one else can help them but us.
Josh(sigh): We CAN't go in unarmed. Let's see what would scare a beast so mighty, and powerful as Roseanne Barr?
J Smith: I have just the thing.
INT. MANSION
Da boys run around like crying trying to avoid the clutches of Roseanne.
She traps cody in a corner.
Cody: Oh no!
JH: He's doomed! Doomed!
VROOM! A car smashes through the wall in a shower of metal, and wood.
INT. CAR
Josh: I sure hope this works.
INT.KITCHEN
A rope is attached to the back bumper.
EXT. MANSION
The other end is secured to a tree.
INT. KITCHEN
The mighty beast roars with confusion as the stealthy black Mazda runs a ring around her feet.
Roseanne reaches for the car as it speeds back outside, but trips and falls in slow motion with a Godzilla roar.
The entire house shakes. Glass shatters. Wood splits, and paint cracks. Da boys run out of the mansion, just as it begins to collapse.
EXT. MANSION
Barr manor begins to crumble like a house of cards. Story after story becomes dust as da boys watch.
Laying in the rubble of the mansion is the Roseanne beast,wrapped in the chain. She rolls around,spasming and screaming.
The writers,everyone now reunited into one large group,gather around and look at her.
JH: What's wrong with her?
Halloween Slayer: She must be hungry.
Roseanne's chest suddenly bursts open and she dies. Doughboy crawls out of her chest,giggling.
Doughboy: Now that was an experience.
Vic: Doughboy! Fuckin' A.
Someone steps up beside Roseanne's body and kicks Doughboy,sending him giggling through the air.
Cody catches him.
Cody: You alright little buddy?!
Doughboy: Who kicked me?! I'm pissed now!
We look over to see who kicked the Doughboy,and see Joe Chappelle standing in the mansion rubble in all his wannabe evil lord glory,cape blowing in the wind.
Joe Chappelle: You writers are getting more boring than old British men. I think I'll now destroy you all.
(JH became furious. Alex and Px had to hold him back)
JH: British men kick ass, you Travel channel geek! I aught to call up Patrick Stewart, Christopher Lee and Sir John Gielgud t...
(JH rants, Joe yawns and takes a sip of Mello Yellow)
Joe: Ahhh, Mello Yellow, the drink of champions. I'm sorry, you were saying?
Jack: I've had enough!
(Jack leaps into a flying kick and smacks Joe in the forehead. Joe activates his dark jedi powers. Jack is thrown back into a tree. Joe uses an invisible force to grab Sumbudy)
Joe: You created this site, YOU brought these people together! I'll punish you by making you star in my new film "Planet of the Dongeons and Dragons Musketeer!"
Sumbudy: No, I didn't you fuckin idiot. That was last time. This time we're in your neck of the world wide web.
Micheal Bay: I'm afraid that's true, Master Chappelle.
Joe: My world eh? The then that means...
*ominous soundtrack boom*
Joe: I have TOTAL control. MWAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHH!!!!!!!!
Halloween Slayer: Goddamnit, he brought Michael Bay back! And I wasted that fucker good...
Michael Bay: It took a long time to get the pieces of my head back together. I had a long time to think about what I'm gonna do to you!
Halloween Slayer: Bring it bitch!
Michael Bay grabs Joe's lightsaber off his belt and...lights it.
Joe: Hey!
Joe drops Sumbudy, but Michael Bay has already run off with the lightsaber,headed for Slayer.
Halloween Slayer grabs Vic's Bongsaber and lights it as well.
Vic: My bong!
Halloween Slayer: Just borrowing...
A lightsaber and Bongsaber battle ensues between Bay and Slayer.
Thorn members start climbing out of the mansion's rubble,ready for battle.
Doughboy takes Cody's Bongsaber and lights it.
Doughboy: Come on,rosebuds!
The Thorn members rush toward the writers.
Cody: Thanks Doughboy,now I don't have a weapon!
Joe is laughing,watching the Thorn members attack the writers.
A Thorn member grabs Cody by the collar and starts bitch slapping him.
More and more Thornies are climbing out of the rubble.
Joe: Yes,keep coming,my cultists! Come! Come!
Cody: Oh yeah...
Cody blocks a bitch slap,takes off his pack pull of Ben Affleck's Girls Gone Wild collection,and starts using the pack as a weapon.
The saber battle is continuing between Bay and Slayer, and Slayer is winning.
Bay is cornered against a tree,and flips up into the air and over Slayer to escape. While Bay is going over him Slayer just holds his saber blade in the air,and cuts Bay in half from crotch to head.
Bay's two halves fall to the ground,then explode.
Joe: Do you expect me to give up? Hah? You may have killed my lackey, but you shall never kill me...for here I AM GOD!
Aaron: Not quite, Mistah Chappelle. 'Cuz we'e the web warriors. And having cut our teeth on the laws of this place on our last adventure, we know that we can manipulate the laws of science, and time to our liking almost as well as you you.
Cody: Just a little more practice.
Joe twitches his nose.
Suddenly the whole group is in shackles.
Joe: You'll never make it to Jones Tower now. And you'll never be able to kill me before I was born. You will be my slaves FOREVER. And now for the further degradation of J.Smith.
INT. STUDIO SET
J.Smith is wearing a skimpy bikini ala princess lea in Return of the Jedi, and shackled to the side of Joe's chair.
Joe's henchmen laugh at J.Smith and throw dollar bills at her, sipping martinis.
J. Smith: Help me somebody.
EXT. MIRAMAX STUDIOS
The police guy rides on his chopper to the main gate with Rachel on hanging on to his back.
Cop: How are we gonna get you in, Sweet face? You have an appointment wit dese people?
Rachel(whispers): Don't worry about a thing Ron. I'm an expert liar!(loud to cop)Good afternoon, Sir.
Security Guard: And you are, ma'am?
Rachel: Um...erm...uh, Joanne Hadley McHat Marmaduke Mary-anne the third.
Security Guard: Can you say that again?
Rachel socks him, knocking him out cold.
The cop glowers at Rachel.
Rachel(shrugs): I panicked.
Aaron: What are we gonna do?
Jack: Christ we ALWAYS end up in fucking shackles.
Voice O.S.: DOn't worry...
The doughboy appears.
Doughboy: IT'S POPPIN' FRESH to the rescue!
Everyone: hurray!
The boys are freed by poppin fresh.
Jack: Thanks, poppin' fresh.
Aaron: How did you know where we were?
Doughboy: It easy tracking you with the help of this state of the art...uh, tracking device.
Doughboy reveals a sleek, shiny black wrist watch thingee.
The gang oohs and aws.
Cody: Where did you get that?
Voice: Allow me to introduce myself.
A familiar brit steps into the light.
Man: The name is Q. Just Q.
Everyone: Whoah!
Doughboy: Wait till you see the aresnal he's designed for you.
Aaron: He WHAT? That fast?
Doughboy: Well, their left over props from some of the past James Bond sequels I bought on ebay. But they kill like a dream.
Doughboy and Q distribute the James Bond gadgets to the writers.
JH tries on his winter coat that inflates to become a protective bubble, or something like that.
JH: Nice.
Halloween Slayer is examining his saw watch.
Halloween Slayer: Badass.
Jack is looking at the pen he was handed.
Jack: What the hell am I supposed to do with this? Draw pictures of me kicking Thorn ass?
Doughboy: Click it 3 times and that pen explodes.
Jack: Oh. Cool.
Q: Now,all of you listen carefully...
Q disappears.
Dusty/Sumbudy: What happened to Q?!
Cody: Chappelle must've realized that there was another old British guy around.
JH: Son of a bitch!!!!!
INT. JOE CHAPPELLE'S OFFICE
Joe chappelle sits on his throne, looking down in disgust at Q.
Joe: So old man. You dare mar my world with your homey eloquent speech, and the wisdom of old age? Well, I shall have you put in the cell with the others. Boys.
Thorn members grab Q and throw him in a large enclosed cell
Joe turns to J. Smith, still in chains.
Joe: And now my lovely, I shall begin to make arrangements for--OUR WEDDING.
J.Smith: NOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!
A very banged up, and bandaged Jerry Bruckheimer appears at Joe's side.
Jerry: Yes! Yes!
Joe: Did I give you permission to speak number 2?
Jerry; Sorry, sir.
Joe grabs a knife and stabs Jerry in the eye. Blood squirts from his eye as he runs around the room screaming in absolute pain.
J.Smith: You really are sick. I will NOT be your wife. I WOUULD RATHER DIE than be married to you.
Joe: But I LOVE you! You...complete me.
J. Smith: That's sweet. Barf.
Joe: YOU HAVE NO CHOICE understand?!!
J. Smith: Who says?
Joe: I! I DO! You want to now why?
The lights dim again.
J. Smith: Oh no...
Joe: 'You try to SCREAM/ but terror takes the sound before you make it/ you start to FREEZE/ you're paralyzed...cuz this is THRILLAH!' Get it? Cuz this is THRILLER?
Joe does the moonwalk.
J. Smith: Stop! STOP! Alright. I'll...be...your...
Joe: yes? Yes?
J.Smith: You're ( shudder) WIFE.
Joe: Excellent! Jerry, call Father O'Malley. Jerry?
J.Smith: Uh, I think he's dead.
Joe looks down at Jerry Bruckheimer's corpse which has bled to death.
Joe: So he is. That's no problem. Down the corpse hatch.
Joe pulls a lever, and the body of Bruckheimer PLUMMETS.
J.Smith: Uh-
Joe: Silence. We shall reserve a moment of silence in honor of my fallen spitlickle.
Joe bows his head, solemnly.
Joe: Alright, that'll do. let's get some taquitos.
INT. MAIN OFFICES-MIRAMAX STUDIOS
Rachel is practically yelling at the receptionist.
Rachel: I need to know what soundstage they're filming Pearl Harbor 2: The mummy.
Sceretary: Actually, I believe the title is-
Rachel: I don't care! You know what I mean. Where is it?
Secretary: Just settle down ma'am.
Ron: Carolyn?
The sec looks up to the cop, and there's a look of shared recognition between them.
Carolyn: Ron? Well, hello Mister Big...
Carolyn looks back to Rachel.
Carolyn: It's number 67.
Rachel, and Ron proceed toward the soundstage. Carolyn the sec grabs Ron.
Carolyn: Not you, baby. We've got some catching up to do.(calling o.s.) Mary, I'm taking my coffee break.
end scene.
(Joe has wisked J Smith to the movie set. Extras line up in the congregation. Josh is tied and gagged and forced to watch)
J Smith: Now what, Captain Retard?
Joe: Now......we film the wedding scene. MY Triumph in the movie will be complete!!!
Priest: Do you promise to premiere a huge jackpot of a movie?
Joe: I do...
Priest: Do you promise to love your new wife?
(Joe slobbers)
Joe: CERTAINLY...
(J Smith rolls her eyes)
Priest: Not to blast her into space....
(J Smith's jaw drops. Joe signals the priest to "ixnay" on that option)
Priest: ....um, until such time as you grow weary of her?
Joe: I do...
J Smith: I do NOT....
(Suddenly, from one side of the church, Rachel kicks open a set of doors)
Rachel: STOP!!
J Smith: Rachel!!!!
Rachel: Time for double scoops of whupass!
(From the other side, the gang laserblasts and kicks in another door)
Cody: I have come to kickass and chew bubblegum, AND I'M ALL OUT OF BUBBLEGUM!!
(Up from the floor giggles a now monstrous looking doughboy!!)
Doughboy: Heeheeheeeeeee!!! Poppin fresh!!
J Smith: GUYS!!! you made it!!!
JH: J!! Hang on!! We'll save you!!!
J Smith: Oh....it's you.
JH: Well, I could always leave if you want?
J Smith: NO NO!!! Just kidding!!!
Joe: Hey!! My WEDDING! Remember??? You're my sweet lovin now!!
J Smith: Get stuffed, Boris!!
(J Smith runs from the alter)
..as J. Smith ran from the altar, The Scorpion King emerged from the ground, causing J. Smith to stop in her tracks.
SCORPION KING: Do you smell what the Rock is cookin'?!
J. SMITH: Huh?
JH: No-o-o-o! WE'RE all doomed!
Suddenly, Scarecrow disappears.
SCREAMER009: What happened to Scarecrow?
ROBBIE: I think he's cut because he's British.
Everyone nods their head in agreement.
JOE CHAPPELLE: J. Smith, come to me!
Suddenly, Joe Chappelle is in the MIB attire.
CODY: What are you doing, Joe? We all know it's you in there. Why are you trying to disguise yourself?
JOE: No, it's not me...I mean,Joe. J. Smith must marry me...um, er, Joe Chappelle!
J. Smith suddenly morphs into Rachel Corruthers.
AARAON: Huh? I knew it!
Rachel morphs back into J. Smith, back to Rachel, back to J. Smith, back to Rachel, to Glory from Buffy the Vampire Slayer, to Ben from Buffy, to Jim Carrey in the Mask, to the Tazmanian Devil, and back to J. Smith.
SCORPION KING: Joe, what is she doing?
JOE: I'm not Joe, damn it! I'm the mysterious, enigmatic Man in Black!
Tommy Lee Jones and Will Smith appear.
WILL: Them's fightin' words! I say we all fight like a butterfly and sting like a bee!
TOMMY LEE JONES: Who gives a shit? As long as I get to play the character I play in every movie,I'll be just damn fine. Let's rumble!
JOE CHAPPELLE: That's it! Time to call upon the Chappelle Army once again! This time, we are going to win!
JOE raises his hands in the air and lightning bolts come down from the sky. Roseanne Barr, Scorpion King, Tom Arnold, Rafe/Ben Affleck, Tina Williams, Osama Bin-Laden, Jar Jar Binks, The Olsen Twins, and Russell Crowe all appear, alive and well, waiting for the showdown.
JH: Doomed!
VIC: Forget this! We're dead and in hell! I'm gonna roll a fatty...I mean, uh...Stop looking at my tattoo!
CODY: We can beat them, guys! We can win this!
Russell Crowe steps forward.
RUSSELL: You should have married him, J. Smith. If you had,then we could fool around.
Russell winks at her as Nicole Kidman and Meg Ryan appear on each arm and kiss him on the cheeks.
Suddenly, Tom Cruise and Dennis Quaid spring from behind and tackle Russell to the ground, beating the living hell out of him. Russell is whining and screaming like baby.
TOM CRUISE: You monotoned, overrated bastard!
Another lightning bolt fills the air. Poppin' Fresh, The Doughboy, Al Bundy, John McClane from Die Hard, The Terminator, The Pink Power Ranger, and many others appear and charge into the fight. Mysterio grabs the Pink Power Ranger.
MYSTERIO: Hey, baby. Where you been all my life?
Mysterio and the Pink Power Ranger Kimberly walk off, handin hand, for some "private" time as the Fan Fic authors battle the dark forces of Joe Chappelle in the background.
Joe immediately grabs J. Smith and takes off with her, looking for the perfect place to hold his dark wedding ceremony.
COLIN MOCHRIE from "Whose Line Is It, Anyway" steps in front of the screen.
COLIN (in film noir mode): I knew in my head that the evil of Joe Chappelle could not be killed, but my heart wouldn't accept it. The Fanfiction authors had him right there they wanted him. He was a rat backed into a corner, a thief caught red-handed, a kid caught with his hand in the cookie jar, an adulterer caught with his Johnson in a----
Suddenly, a bullet embeds itself in Colin's head and he falls off-screen, getting the camera lense bloody, and is never heard from again.
JH: We're all doomed!
The Fanfic authors are battling the evil Army. Violence is all over, and Chappelle is heading up into the Afghanistan caves to have a wedding ceremony with his obsession J.Smith.
(More evil minions popped up. Kathy Krueger, Oprah Winfrey, Saddam Hussein, OJ Simpson, Tonya Harding, John Wayne Bobbit, John Wayne Gacy, A french Underwear model, Jeremy Irons in his costume from the movie "Dongeons and Dragons", A snotty fratboy, several smurfs, Slim Shady, and a bag of pink cotton candy)
Oprah: READ MY BOOK OR DIE!
Saddam: This is the son-in-law of all battles!
Jeremy: My career has sunk! Therefore, you DIE!
(Jeremy's head shakes as he speaks)
OJ: I am totally, absolutely 100% gonna kick your ass!
(He gets in his white ford bronco and revs the engine. The underwear model tries to be smooth with Rachel. John Bobbit goes up to Aaron)
Bobbit: Wanna star in a porn movie?
Aaron: Oh, ICK!!
(Tonya throws one of her sharpened skates at the Terminator. It lodges itself in his chest)
Termy: What the Hell?? You fat beeeetch!!
(Codebreaker and Mysterio tackle Tonya and stuff the cotton candy down her throat. She starts bloating up)
Tonya: You fuckers!!! I'm getting too fat for my outfit! My skates are too small!! AHHH!
(Tonya explodes. Codebreaker and Mysterio high five each other)
Codebreaker: Yeah! OWWWWWW!
(CB high fives with the hand missing a finger. Stings like hell)
Jeremy: I'll make you dizzy as I dramatically wobble my head!!
Vic: Dude, you suck!!
(Vic jumps in the air, matrix style. He starts beating up the old guy until Jeremy disappears, yet another victim of Joe's old british guy curse)
Model: Hey, check me out! I'm, like, a mousketeer! I'm gonna beat up your doughy, Tim Curry-lookin boyfriend!
JH: Hey!! Who you callin doughy!
(JH runs at him. The model starts beating the crap out of the poor dope JH)
Rachel: HEY! Lay off my Tim Curry lookin boyfriend!
JH: Honey, let's not drag that out, ok. Call me your Joey Fatone-looking boyfriend or maybe your Gary Sinise looking-OOOF!!
(The model punches him in the gut. JH falls back. The model pulls out a rapier and prepares to end JH's life. Forever)
Rachel: I LOVE YOU JH!!! I'll always love you!!!
JH: A lot of good that does me NOW!!!!
(Suddenly, an ethereal voice interrupts his thoughts. IT'S DARTH MAUL!!!)
Maul: JH.....use your dark side, JH.......let the hate flow through you. Remember when you watched "The Musketeer"?
JH: Yeah....MY GOD, it sucked royal dogballs!!
Maul: Exactly! Hong Kong action, MY ASS!! Get up, and show this no name peckerhead you can win!
JH: Yeah!
Maul: This is more than just a rumble! This is a fight for English actors everywhere! This is a fight for the freedom of good entertainment. Do it for Tim Curry! Do it For Ken Branagh! Do it for every Canadian who's ever been on SNL....
(A choir starts to hum patriotically. Oliver Reed, dressed as Proximo, appears behind Maul)
Proximo: You can do it, JH, not because you are stronger or faster....but because you have the crowds on your side! He who controls the Mob of Rome can change the course of history!!
Maul: Show him that it takes more than looking good in undies to kick butt!! You are more than fiction writers! YOU ARE GODS!!! Do it for Patrick Stewart! Do it for Sting!! Do it for The guys from Red Dwarf!
JH: YEAH!!!
Maul: Do it for Ewan McGregor!
JH: YEAH!!
Maul: Do it for Lady Diana!
JH: YEAH!!
Maul: Do it for Natalie Portman!!
JH: YE-Huhh?
Maul: Hey, she's hot!
JH: Oh YEAH!
Maul: Do it.....for Donald!!
JH: LET ME AT HIM!!
Maul: Show him the REAL power of the darkside!! Show him that you were taught by the purest evil!!
JH: Goddamn, I'm pure evil!!
Maul: What are you waiting for!!!???? Teach that puss that the French SUCK!!
JH: YEAH, FUCK HIM!!! I'm gonna RIP HIS NUTS OFF!!! GOD SAVE THE QUEEN!!!
("One Vision" by Queen plays in the BG. JH lights up his double bladed sabre, eyes glowing of pure darkside power. He launches himself at the Musketeer Model. They fight in a flurry of thrusts and parries. Noname model is no match for the powers of JH's inner Sith darkness)
JH: Gimme gimme gimme GIMME FRIED CHICKEN!!!
(JH slices him in half after performing an otherwise gutbusting jump/twist/flipacrobatic bullshit manuever. Rachel runs up and hugs him. As he glows in his glory, OJ runs his bronco at full speed towards the couple. Jamie Lloyd pops up to give a dramatic Lamentation)
Jamie: NOOO! Rachel!!! JH!!!! NOOOO!!!!
(Everyone stops and looks in maudlin slo-mo style. Many shout slo-mo words, OJ grins wickedly in slo-mo, JH faces death again....only in Slo-mo....Suddenly, everything speeds up as the bronco smashes into an invisible wall. Everyone watches in suprise as the camera pans towards Harry Potter with wand extended towards the car. JH and Harry look at each other triumphantly. Jamie hugs Harry. Rachel hugs JH, Han Solo hugs Leia, Hermione Hugs Ron, Anakin hugs Natalie Portman, The three Stooges hug each other, and everyone gets a warmfuzzy. Tiny Tim crawls in front of the POV with the help of his tiny crutch)
Tim: Gawd bless us! Each and evry ONE!!
(The oozing warm fuzzy starts to get on everyone's nerves)
Jack: Hey! Save some fight space for the rest of us, you glory hound!!
JH: Right! Time to call in OUR Army!!
(Appearing with him are: Harry Potter, Hannibal Lector, Captain Kirk, Mr T, The really Cool MIB, Nancy Thompson, Lefty Enright, George Clooney, John Goodman, John Tate, John Wayne, Rubbery Godzilla, Amadeus Mozart, General Maximus, Sidney Prescott, General Patton, Elvis Presley, The Beatles, Wedge Antilles, Professor Arturo, Officer Garibaldi, Duncan Idaho, Ensign Barclay, MegaWeapon, and Fozzie Bear)
Mr T: I PITY DA FOOH!
Patton: We're gonna hold em by the nose and kick em in the ass!
Will Smith: Yo, Look into the light!
Barclay: Umm, Uhhh, Uhhh.....
Fozzie: Wackawackawacka.....
John Lennon: Hey man, I love you.
Lefty: Let's dance, mo-fo!!!
Harry: Alohamora!!
Hannibal: I know, how did I get here, you ask? Confused? I'm part welsh. Okee dokee? Where was I? Oh yes, I was about to......
(Hannibal bites into Papa Smurf. General Maximus stabs Russel Crowe)
Maximus: Are you not PLEASED??? IS THIS NOT WHAT YOU WANT!!!??? Die, damned actor. I am not a piece for Oscar's folly.....my name is Gladiator.....
Barclay: Ummm, Uhhhhhh......
Mr T: Dial 1-800-COLLECT, FOOH!!! Save your momma a buck or two!!!!
In reaction to the appearance of the new Army, Joe Chappelle appears in the sky, huge. He looks down over all of them.
CHAPPELLE: I need more bad actors and annoying characters! I will not lose this war!
(Chappelle throws his hands forward and lightning bolts come down again from the sky. Chappelle disappears as the new members of the evil army appear. Standing, surrounding the fanfic writers and their army, are Jerri from Survivor II, Richard Grieco, Keanu Reeves, The entire cast of Friday the 13th Part 3, Vince McMahon, Crocodile Dundee, Pauly Shore, Casper Van Dien in full Starship Troopers garb, Roger Rabbit, David Hasselhoff, Mike Tyson, The Backstreet Boys, and N Sync.)
MYSTERIO: Oh, Man! You are an evil bastard, Chappelle!
JEFF: We can create our army of good actors and cool characters to beat them!
MYSTERIO: Hoe do we call them?
DARTH MAUL: Use the force, Mysterio.
MYSTERIO: Shut up! That's JH's power, not mine!
DARTH MAUL: Oh, sorry.
(Darth Maul disappears.)
CODY: We need help. Do something. Quick!
MYSTERIO: Yes! I have it! Chunk, do the chicken dance!
(Chunk from 'The Goonies' appears and starts doing the chicken dance. Lightning comes down and their army is bulked up. Standing beside them are all main actors who have played James Bond (Sean Connery, Roger Moore, Tim Dalton, and Pierce Brosnan), Doc Holliday from 'Tombstone', the Ocean's Eleven crew, Jack Nicholson, Kevin Spacey, Ed Norton, Stone Cold Steve Austin, Don Corleone, Clarence and Alabama Worley, musical group Creed, Buffy Summers, The Crow (played by Brandon Lee, RIP), and Sloth from 'The Goonies'.)
SLOTH: Hey, you guys!
(Everyone charges back into the fight, but all the James Bond actors, with the exception of Sean Connery, disappear.)
CHAPPELLE (reappearing): Damn you, Connery! How are you still here?!!!!!
(Chappelle then realizes that he's not looking at the real Sean Connery. It is really Darrell Hammond as the SNL version of Connery.)
FAUX CONNERY: Why don't you ask your mother how she is still walking after my little visit to her bedroom last night, Chappelle?!!!
CHAPPELLE: Don't talk about mommy! Mommy is a saint!
FAUX CONNERY: She wasn't saintly last night while riding the bull, Chappelle!
(Faux Connery breaks into fits of laughter as Chappelle disappears, crying. Fighting is going on all over. Will Ferrell as Alex Trebek appears behind Faux Connery.
FAUX TREBEK: This time we settle it like men, Connery.
FAUX CONNERY: Damn you, Trebek! You are not even a man!
(Connery and Trebek tackle each other and go rolling around on the ground as Mr. T enters the screen, finding new arrival Sylvester Stallone in the crowd.)
SLY: I wanz 2 keel efriwon.
MR. T: What are you sayin', foo?! I ain't got time for no jibba jabba!
SLY: Jkjan sadjlkj klsjakldjn kdjsalkdj.
MR. T: Huh?! Oh, hell! Let's fight! And don't forget to drink your milk!
(Mr. T morphs into his cartoon persona from the 80's and punches Stallone, sending him flying back into the air. Back in the fighting, MYSTERIO is whipping all of the Backstreet Boys and N Sync by himself.)
JOHN MCCLANE (V/O): Yippee ki-yay, motha fucka!
(David Hasselhoff pushes to a microphone in the middle of the battle and starts trying to sing 'Feelings'. Stone Cold Steve Austin enters and gives him a Stone Cold Stunner and walks off.)
CODY: We still have to stop Chappelle from marrying J Smith!
JH: How do we find her?
DARTH MAUL (reappearing): Use the force, JH!
MYSTERIO: Even the force doesn't work in the Afghan caves!
DARTH MAUL: Oh. My apologies.
(Darth Maul disappears again.)
SCREAMER009: He's going to marry her and then the world will be taken over by bad movies and B-rate actors!
(The Batmobile comes barreling out of the nearby caves. Batman gets out.)
BATMAN: Quick, follow me. I can find Chappelle's evil in these caves. Besides, Chappelle's constant partying with Osama is keeping me up late at night while alone in the bat cave with the Boy Wonder.
(The fanfic authors quickly jump into or on the batmobile and speed away towards the caves as the battle between good actors/characters and bad actors/characters continues.)
JH: This is our last chance! We have to rid the pretend world of Joe Chappelle forever!
(The Batmobile disappears into the cave with all the fanfic authors)
"Descent into Mystery" plays as the gang enters the deepest receses of the world below.
INT. BAT CAVE
The gang steps out of the Batmobile. They look around in wonder at the plentiful bat-gadgets, and bat-computers.
The James Bond gadgets they recieved from the doughboy PALE by comparison.
Batman: Jealous?
Cody(lying): No...
JH: So how will we find them?
Batman: Easy.
Batman activates the Bat Computer.
He types into it, and a map pops up of the surrounding area.
He points to it.
Batman: See this? It's an abandoned mineshaft, and Joe Chappelle's only possible entrance. We're connected by a system of tunnels.
Batman presses a button, and sliding metal doors part to reveal a looong tunnel.
Aaron: That uh, that walk looks a little long.
Batman: A little excercise never hurt anyone. Here.
Batman hands flash lights to everyone. And some cool headgear with the batman logo on the front.
Jh: and these are?
Batman: They're nightvision goggles...in case you loose the flashlight.
Cody: You know, we're not exactly STUPID.
Batman: I never said you were. Ready?
Batman and team fan fic move into the tunnel.
INT. OSAMA'S PLACE
All of America's worst actors, and politicians have gathered here for Joe Chappelle's wedding ceremony.
J. Smith looks around. There's a table set up with plates and a wedding cake.
She grabs the knife, and sticks it her bra.
Osama bin Laden stands at the altar.
Osama: The ceremony will now begin.
An organist plays the "Wedding March" on the piano.
Roseanne, who's chest has been sowed shut is a bridesmaid.
She's in tears.
Roseanne: I remember my first wedding.
2nd bridesmaid: Was it MAGICAL?
Roseanne: Hello no, it was awful. Thank God I had a second chance to get it right. And a third...and if I play my cards right, maybe a fourth. Who knows?
J. Smith begins to move down the aisle.
A taliban member stops her.
Taliban: Ah, ah, ah. Women are not allowed such pretty dresses. You will wear this.
The taliban strips her of her wedding dress in front of everyone and throws a heavy shroud over her. Her face is hidden behin what looks like a cross between a net, and a hood. J. Smith's eyes moisten.
Osama grins.
OSAMA: Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to join these two in holy matromony under the wise, and all knowing gaze of Allah.
J. Smith's reaching into her bra...
Osama: Joe Chappelle? Do you take this thing to be your wife, in health, and in youth, untill she outlives her usefulness to you?
Joe: I do.
Osama: And thing, do you accept your rightful place crushed under the heel of your superior, bound to him for all of eternity as his slave to treat as he please?
J.Smith: For the last time:I...do...NOT.
J.Smith whips out the knife and slashes Osama's throat open. A gun falls out of his dress, and J. Smith grabs it.
She points at Joe Chappelle and whurls around to face the stunned crowd.
J.Smith: Nobody move a fucking muscle or I swear to CHRIST, I'll blow his head off.
J.Smith winks at a terrified Joe.
J.Smith: How's that for irony?
Batman: Stop! Team fan fic has arrived to save you J.Smith.
J.Smith: Really? You mean I don't have to do this myself?
J.Smith throws down the gun, and screams.
J.Smith: Somebody save me!
She faints.
Team fan fic begins to tangle with all the people from hell. Then Batman whips out anothe cool gadget.
Batman: Boys, girls! Cut it out! My Bat-anihilator will take care of all your problems!
Batman turns on his gadget and points it at all the bad guys. They vanish.
Cody: Woo-hoo! I was getting tired of all this fighting.
Only Joe Chappelle remains. He knocks the gadget out of Bat's hand and points at team.
Joe: Ha ha! Now it is III who has the upper-hand.
Batman takes out a little spray can and squirts Joe in the eye.
Joe: Aghh! It burns! It burns!
Joe collapses on the floor,clawing at his eyes in unbearable agony.
Aaron: Cool! What did you spray him with?
Batman: Holy water.
J.Smith rises.
J.Smith: And this is for degrading me!!!!
J.Smith kicks Joe in the nuts. He keels Joe in the nuts.
Joe: Oh dear God, my testicles! My precious, walnut sized testicles!
JH: And this is for Halloween 6!!!
JH punches Joe in the face.
Cody: This is for Phantoms!!!
Cody breaks a beer bottle over Joe's head.
Jack(shrug): This is cuz I felt like breaking something.
Jack smashes a chair over Joe's back!
Joe screams writhing in pain. He...dies.
They crew looks around, and smiles.
Aaron: He's dead.
JH: Ding, Dong, the Witch is dead.
Everyone sings. "Dong ding the witch is dead..!"
Cody: This has been the best christmas ever. I love you guys...
Everyone: Aww...
Aaron: Wait, isn't this the part where the monster awakens for one last scare?
Joe: Yes.
Joe drops dead again.
JH: Well, THAT was rather anti-climatic.
Aaron: Arightie batman, let's roll. We need to get to the Jones Tower, and F-A-S....how do you spell fast again?
Laughter O.S.
Cody: Who the?
Jack: It's santa claus!
Santa-claus: Ho!Ho! HO! Merry Christmas! Merry Christmas!
Aaron: Are you here to give us presents santa?
Santa: Why yes! Gather round chidren.
Everyone crowds around santa eager for their present.
Santa: To JH, I give you Queen. The entire collection.
JH: Wow...I already have it, but wow.
Cody: What about me?
Santa: Well, you watch too much porn...so I got you an inflatable doll.
Cody: Woo-hoo! No more sticky fingers for me tonight! (realizes what he said) Ah, heh heh...
Alex: What did you get me?
Santa: Well, I sort of forgot about you,you know with so many people on my list...but whatever it is you want, I'm sure it's my bag. Just ignore the little boy or girl's name on the card.
Alex: What I want is happiness. I want to know why I should I even bother continuing to slog through the numbing banality of my joyless, unfulfillig existence. And I want to know why we celebrate this stupid holiday anyway, who's orignal meaning was long ago corrupted, and is now no more than a hollow tribute to crass commercialism.
Santa blinks.
Santa: Uh-huh. Look a play-station. Want it?
Alex(sigh): I'll wait outside.
(Santa looks at Mysterioman)
Santa: For you, I have tickets to a Brown's game. You get to sit in the DOG POUND!!
Mysterio: Oh, ok. Thanks.
Santa: And You, Jack...
Jack: Yes?
Santa: I Give you a Nimbus 2001!
Jack: Sweet.....
(Jack takes off on his new stick)
Santa: J Smith....
(J Smith steps up to him)
J Smith: Sock it to me, Kringle-baby!
Santa: A contract to star in a three-picture deal at Dimension films! You'll get to be in the next Jackie Chan movie, star opposite Mike Nelson in MST3K II, and You've been cast as an elf in the LOTR prequal "Hobbit". You know, you'd make a nifty elf....
J Smith: Uhhh......Can we make it a Jet Li film?
Santa: What do I look like? Your Agaent?
(Santa laughs)
Cody is off a few yards away, having some private time with his blow up doll, his finger stuck in it's mouth.
Cody: Wow, real sucking sensation! Guys,you've gotta check this out!
The doll suddenly morphs into Tina. Cody sees this and screams.
Cody: Guys,you've gotta help me out!
Tina sucks Cody's whole body into her mouth with her amazing sucking strength,swishes a couple times,then spits out his bones.
JH: Yuck!
Halloween Slayer: Mortal Kombat style!
Santa: Ho ho holy shit!
Santa disappears.
Aaron: Hey,where'd Santa go?
Tina: Lord Chappelle lives! He still has control!
Everyone looks over to where Joe was killed, and see that he's standing up again.
Joe: Yep.
Halloween Slayer: But Santa wasn't British, he was North Pole... North Polish!
Joe: But he was old. Besides,I can do whatever I want.
The fan fic writers run for Santa's sleigh,which is parked nearby.
Joe: Oh,where do you think you're going now?
JH: To the Jones Tower!
Joe: Huh?
