California, USA - 1967
Art Alexakis - Aged 5
Daddy doesn't love me anymore. He never wants to see me. Mommy wakes up me and my brother George in the morning for school and Daddy is already gone. She says he's at work. My sisters, Lila and Michelle, say that Daddy isn't really at work, not like Mommy says. They say he doesn't come home because he doesn't love us anymore.
Father of mine, take me back to the day, when I was still your golden boy, back before you went away.
We get to see Daddy on Sundays. He sleeps forever. At first I would go in and ask him to play. He yelled at me and he yelled at George too. I cried but Mommy didn't notice. Maybe she doesn't love me anymore either.
I remember the blue skies, walking the block, I loved it when you held me high, I loved to hear you talk.
We have to be really quiet on Sundays, so we don't wake Daddy up. Mommy says he needs to sleep when he comes home because he's tired from working too much. I think it's because he doesn't want to see us. That's what George says.
You would take me to the movies, you would take me to the beach, take me to a place inside that is so hard to reach.
Daddy isn't very good at being a Daddy anymore. He doesn't keep his promises and he makes me cry. I don't want him to be my Daddy if he's mean. I want a Daddy who loves me. I wish it was like before when Daddy would play with us and read us stories and tuck George and me in at night.
Father of mine, tell me where did you go, you had the world inside your hand, but you did not seem to know.
Mommy and Daddy yell at each other. I don't like it when they do that. Sometimes Daddy throws things and he makes Mommy cry. Other times he goes away and doesn't come back till the morning. They wake me up when they yell. George says to just close my eyes and count to ten and maybe it'll be over when I open them up again. Sometimes they yell for so long that I fall asleep. I have dreams sometimes. I dream that everything is okay and that Daddy loves us like he did before.
Father of mine tell me what do you see, when you look back at your wasted life and you don't see me.
Daddy left. He packed all his things and drove away in the car. He still hasn't come back. Mommy is still crying. She said he wasn't ever coming home. She told my sisters and me to play outside and didn't even care that it was raining. I wanted to play with George but he wasn't home. We came back inside all wet and muddy and she didn't even care. We waited for her to tell us to have a bath but she just stayed in the kitchen, crying and staring out the window.
I was ten years old doing all that I could, it wasn't easy for me to be a scared white boy, in a black neighbourhood.
I asked her to make the bath for us and she said I could do it, because I�m a big boy now, but when I tried I burned my hand. Mommy put some ice on it and then George came home and he did the bath for us instead. Mommy told us to go to bed after we got out of the bath, and we did because she was angry. It was still light outside.
Sometimes you would send me a birthday card, with a five-dollar bill, I never understood you then and I guess I never will.
Daddy still hasn't come back. Mommy was right. He's not coming home. She's stopped crying but she's still not the same Mommy. She has a new friend. His name is Mitch. Him and Mommy go out together and they don't come back until really, really late, when we're asleep. George has to look after us.
Father of mine tell me how do you sleep, with the children you abandoned and the wife I saw you beat.
I don't like George's friends very much. They're loud and they smell funny. I went into George's room to tell him that Lila was crying and they all yelled at me to go away. The room was all smoky and smelled like sweets and vomit all at the same time. I didn�t like that either. George's eyes were all red.
I will never be safe, I will never be sane, I will always be weird inside, I will always be lame.
Mommy woke me up when she came home. Mitch didn't say goodbye outside like he did before. He came in with Mommy and they made a lot of noise. Mommy giggled a lot and didn't even tell George to turn off his music and go to bed. I don't think I like Mitch. I don't like any of Mommy's new friends. I wish she wouldn't bring them home.
Now I am a grown man, with a child of my own and I swear I'm not going to let her know, all the pain I have known. Daddy gave me a name, then he walked away.