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Story One; My grandpas shoes:

It was a nice fall day in Mt. Prospect when my mother informed me that me and my brother had to spend the day at my aunt and step uncle, Milton's hotel. We begged not to make us but she did any way. We got our swim trunks, got into the car, and headed to the hotel. When we got there my aunt met us in her swim suit which looked very odd on her. She informed us that Milto was already at the pool and was expecting us and he had gifts for us. My excitement began to soar. Every time my aunt came in in the past she would get us whatever we wanted. Would it be N64, a gameboy, gift certificates? My mind kept turning in twisted circles. What could the gifts be? We neared the pool entrence and stepped inside. Both me and my brother raced to him arms wide open. Unfortunately there was a puttle of water under me. I stepped in it and flew past milton and into the pool. While in the pool I watched my brother get his present. He carefully undid the wrapping paper and found a nice looking gameboy inside. Oh boy! I couldn't whait to c my gift. I flew out of the pool and went up to Milton who was whearing his very short, odd shaped speedo. I laughed when i got closer. Here he said to me. I hope u like it. I ripped open the wrapping paper and found the stupidest gift u ever will see inside. There were the ugliest looking loafers that were torn and worn, and had moldy gum on the bottom. I looked up in shock. That was not the gift I had in mind. The only reply he gave me was...
THEY WERE MY GRANDFATHERS!
Meanwhile i was thinking did he whear them in the coffin too? After that i accidentally dropped them in the dumpster.

-And that is the story of "My grandfather's loafers-

THE END

13 things to know about Milton's Amish Son:

+He has to pray 20 times a day.
+He can't open the refrigerator.
+He can't call you back or take a message.
+He can only eat kosher foods(has to be blessed by a rabi.)
+He can't look you in the eye if you are 13-19 yrs. old and are unwed.
+He can only be in rooms with one light on.
+He can't talk to unwed women.
+He ran away to Isreal.
+He "can't lie".
+He has to go to temple every day.
+He can't flush the toilet.
+He doesn't own a house.
+He sleeps on mats.

"Success Is" by Milton
Success:

At age 2...success is...walking
At age 4...success is...not peeing in your pants
At age 12...success is...having friends
At age 16...success is...having a drivers license
At age 20...success is...having sex
At age 35...success is...having money
At age 50...success is...having money
At age 60...success is...having sex
At age 70...success is...having a drivers license
At age 75...success is...having friends
At age 80...success is...not peeing in your pants
At age 90...success is...walking

"Theres Green Stuff In My Salad":

One night my Aunt Phyllis and Milton invited my family and I over for diner at her house when we were visiting New Jersey where she lives. The original menu for diner was salad, spagetti, and the dessert. My favorite meal. When we got there, to our supprise, Milton was sitting on the couch and sewing up his boxers whereing nothing but the other pair he had on. This was not the welcome we had expected.   Hello he said with a great big grin on his chin. After that he shook all of out hands and invited us to sit down. Everyone did but me. Do you have a bathroom here, I asked.
Sertinly, he said, and he showed me the way. Going down the long corridor i could see Miltons son praying on his little mat. He spied me quickly and slammed the door. That was scary. We kept going, and slowly came up to the bathroom.
Phyllis! Milton called. This bathroom is too damn pink! When the hell r we going to change this damn bathroom?
I quickly went inside and washed my hands to get the girms from his handshake off and then went to the bathroom. Thankfully when i came out of the bathroom, Milton was dressed. That was a great reliefe. When we got back to the living room Milton offered me the clicker to change the channel for his big screan tv. Sure i said thinking that it would have a million channels. I changed it and found that it went from channel 14 to 1. Great i said to myself. The tv has 14 channels.
Finally My aunt called that dinner was ready. Yes! We sat down and she passed out the food. Yum! Just as i put the first bite in my mouth i heard a sudden screaming. What the hell is this Phyllis? Milton screamed. Theres green stuff in my salad! Milton ran out of the house in a rage. Later we found out that he went to Mc Donald's all because there was green stuff in this salad.

                          -The End-

BURPING, WITH MRS. MILTON!

Milton's wife is the burp champion of the East coast. Every day that she was visiting my family, she burped at least 5 times durring the day. Here are the results on the number of times she burped durring her visit.

Friday we didn't see her much but in the time we did 2 burps came out

Saturday she burped 7 times supposidly because of the bad food on the airplain

Sunday she burped 8 times which gets annoying when your sick

Monday we went to Navy Pier and she burped 13 times! She claimed it was because of the pizza

Tuesday she went to a lunchon and she burped 9 times "because of the Indigestion"

Wednesday we went to Woodfeild Mall where there were many people so she tied to hide it, but we did catch her when she did 2 loud ones at McDonalds! I was soo embarrised because Mrs. Waltman saw her but thankfully not me.

Sadly Thursday she left. WHAT A RELIEFE!!!!!!!!!!

Gettin Tanned but not in the sand:

One bright, sunny morning my family, Milton, and Mrs. Milton went to the ocean for the day. When we got there we changed into our bathing suites and headed for the entrance. We finally got there and found out that u needed to pay admission to get in. We quicly paid and ran in, but when we got situated on our beach towls i saw Milton and Mrs. Milton sitting on a bench outside. I ran over and asked them y they didnt come in they replied that it was too expensive and that they would wait. How long till u come in I asked. I dont no untill the admissions r free they replied. When will that be i asked again. At five o'clock they said. That was 3 hrs. away. would thy really wait that long just so they didnt have to pay? I didnt think they would deck it out, but they did. And they sat there for three hrs. without moving just so they didnt have to pay.(as soon as they got in, we decided that we were tired and that we wanted to go home)

Great Truths About Life That Litte Kids Have Learned:

1) No matter how hard u try u cant baptize cats.
2) When your mom is mad at your dad, dont let her comb your hair.
3) If your brother/sister hits u, dont hit them back. Parents always catch the second person.
4) Dont sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
5) You cant hide your broccoli in a glass of milk.
6) Dont wear polka underwear under your white shorts.
7) If your playing baseball, ALWAYS wear a cup.

Great Truths About Growing Old:

1) Growing old is manditory; growing up is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I will need all the perservitives I can get.
3) When u fall down u wonder what else u can do while u r down there.
4) Your getting old when u get the same sensation form a rocking chair that u once got from a roller coaster.
5) Its frustrating when u no all the anwsers, but noone asks any questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but its a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age but sometimes age comes alone.

Odd lookin tennis outfit:

One day when we were visiting Milton and Mrs. Milton at the hotel they were stayin at, when we saw Mrs. Milton in the lobby of the building. She was waiting because she new we were comeing. Where is Milton? we asked. In the room, she replied, He's changeing. We waited and waited and waited when finally he came down. Finally, I said. But when I saw him i noticed that he was not dressed in normal clothes. He was wearing a tight spandex outfit that didnt look right. The only thing he said was...PHYLLIS, WHERE IS MY UNDERWEAR?

Once upon a time there lived a king.
the king had a beautiful daughter, the princess.
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>Buth there was a problem.
Everything the princess touched would melt.
No mater what:
metal,
wood,
stone,
anything she toudched would melt.
Because of this, the men were scared to marry her.
The king dispaired.
What could he do?
One wizzard told the king,
"If your daughter touches something and it doesn't melt, the spell will be broken."
The King was overjoyed and came up w/ a plan.
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>The next day he held a compitition.
Ay man that could bring something that would not melt when his daughter touched it, he would inherrit the kings fortune.
Three young Princes came that day.
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>The first prince brought a sword of the finest steel.
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>But alas, once the princess touched it, it melted.
The princ went away sadly.
............................................................
>The second prince brought diamonds.
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>He thought diamonds r the hardest substunce in the world, surely they would not melt.
But alas, once the princess touched them they melted.
Sadly, the prince went away.
...........................................................
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>The third prince approached.
He told the princess,
"Put your hand in my pocket and fell what is there."
The princess did as she was told , though she tourned red.
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>She felt something hard.
She held it in her hand.
And it didnt melt!!!
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>The king was overjoyed.
Everyone in the kingdom was happy.
And the third prince and the princess lived happiliy ever after.
>
>Question:
What was in his pocket?
(Scroll down to find the anwser)
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>VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
M&M's of corse.
They melt in your mouth not in your hand.

What were u thinking? You Pervert.

Your Moment Of ZEN:

!) Dont walk behind me for I may no lead. Dont walk in front of me for I may not follow. Dont walk beside me either. Just leave me the hell alone!

@) The jurny of a thousand yrs begins w/ a leaky tire and a broken fan belt.

#) Its alway dark before dawn so if your going to steal your neighbors newspaper, do it then.

$) Sex is like air, Its not important unless your not getting any.

%) Noone is listening until you fart.

^) Always remember youre unique. (Just like everyone else)

&) Duck tape is like the Force. There is a dark side and a light side, and it holds the universe together.

*) There are two theries to argueing with woman. Neither one works.

() We are born wet, hungary, naked, and get slapped on our asses. After that it gets worse.

)) Never follow MILTON.

10 ways you know your son is rebelling the Amish faith:

10. Somethims stays in bed till after 4 a.m.
9. In his sock drawyer you find pictures of women without bonnets
8. Shows up at barn raisings in full "Kiss" makeup
7. He's wearing his big black hat backwards
6. His name is Jebediah, but he goes by "Jeb Daddy"
5. Definately says "If I had a radio, Id listen to rap."
4. You come upon a secret stash of colorful socks!
3. Uses slang expressions: Talk to the hand, cause the beard dont want to hear it."
2. Was recently pulled over for driving the family tractof without a drivers lisince
1. When you critisize him, he yells "Thou Suckith"

WHERE DID U GO WRONG?!!!