| thoughts |
| yeah maybe i am a little fucked up....and it goes without saying that im rather unhappy and i spose this little page is some kind of window into my mind.... so yeah open it up and have a look.... |
| Did you ever get to used to being sad that it physically hurt to smile? Did you ever get so used to being alone that the prospect of being around other people scares you so much you sweat and shake? But at the same time you�d rather be ranting and raving at someone you love than be alone� Or when you bleed just to check you haven�t physically died yet�how about when you drag that blade over your skin crying because you cant quite gather the courage to push down and so you find yourself praying to a god you don�t even believe in for the strength to pack up and run�run from the coward that has claimed life, body, name and worst of all, your soul. Sometimes I see myself dying, laughing at them�. at you�. Sometimes I feel myself dying and I laugh at them�at you�. So how do I gain control and what else is left? I control other people�s moods due to an inability to control my own, I control how much and when I bleed and now as I look at the apple that I like to call my dinner, I decide its time to control the food� And I laugh at myself as I sob to the beat of a Kasey Chambers song. She doesn�t see my tears through the cigarette smoke�. am I not pretty enough�I rock�. And so now as I scribble erratically I light another cigarette and with each deep burning breath I kill myself slowly because im too scared, too scared to push down on that blade�just once�And I find it mildly amusing how I cant say the words aloud�that I cant admit to the world that I wanna die� A little melodramatic wouldn�t you say but hey that�s cool�its my right isn�t it? Its my fucking right�.so maybe ill lay on my bed in the dark and sing songs from the 60s and rape my skin�.just this one time�just once more�.and as usual I cant quite reach that note� �downtown things�ll be great when you�re downtown� |
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