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October 5, 2000
The New Rodent Review

Moses receiving the Ten Commandments.
Rules to Live By

I will now reveal the ten simple rules I use to govern my life:

1.) Clean underwear is always a good idea. (This was the best advice I ever gave when I announced it to the National Honor Society Inductees at my old high school when I was asked to address them back in 1996.)

2.) Peeling the stickers off of a Rubic's Cube and sticking them back on is a perfectly valid way to solve any problem. (This applies to any game of skill or when covering up some indiscretion)

3.) There  is no such thing as too much fun. There is such a thing as too much sun.

4.) Never vote for a Republican unless they are promising free money. (There is no such thing as free money.)

5.) Charcoal mellowing makes all the difference. (This fact was told to me by a little man named Bill at the Jack Daniel's Distillery Tour in Lynchburg, Tennessee.)

6.) The only thing keeping most of us from going on some sort of killing spree is the fear that if we can get away with it, what's to stop someone from killing us. (Not so much a rule as something that keeps me up at night screaming.)

7.) Saying the Beatles are your favorite band is a cop out. (This is also true of anyone who says their favorite movie is Citizen Kane or that their favorite book is the Bible.)

8.) No one actually likes tequila, its the salt and the lime that people really want. (If tequila was so good why the side show when you drink it.)

9.) Some people can't take a joke.

10.) Pain is nature's way of saying "Stop doing that."