I have often considered a solitary life of prayer and solitude. I have considered it boring and wasteful, that's how I considered it. And as I leave the wild and woolly days of my youth (insert your own sheep joke here) I have changed my tune. I would like you all to consider me for the vaunted yet now under appreciated position of Saint of the Catholic Church.
    I would like to lay before you the case and particulars for my canonization for this most holy of posts. For those of you unclear on the role of a saint, here is a brief overview. A saint is a Catholic man or woman who has lived an exemplary life in this world and or has displayed heroic virtue. That person then dies. The person then has to be linked to at least one miracle after their death or if they are Martyred, dying in the service of God or the church, no miracle is necessary. The pope then beatifies that person, or blesses them for canonization, and then one more miracle and boom you are a saint.
    Some popular saints include St. Paul, St. John, St. Mary, St. Christopher, and St. Anne. Some lesser known saints include St. Sebastian, patron saint of municipal Police, and St. Fiacre, patron saint of hemorrhoid sufferers. It turns out that St. Ides is in fact not a saint but a brand of malt liquor.
    As of yet there is no St. Scott. I know hardly surprising, but I think with a little help, I can fix that. I have spent the last couple of hours trying to think of all the wonderful and godly things that I have done over the course of the last twenty seven years. I have come up with a list of three. If you can really call three things a list. It would probably be better to call it some things.
    There was that time that I adopted that little red headed orphan and brought her to my home and we had all those amazing adventures. And the time I flew around the world backwards to reverse the flow of time so that I could stop Lex Luthor from destroying California and the love of my life Lois. Or who can forget that time that I and my two faithful friends stormed the castle to defeat the evil Cardinal and saved King Louis XIV.
    I bet you didn't know how good I was, did you? Well there are my good deeds. One might even say they were worthy of a saint or some kind of super-man.
    Now onto the miracle thing. I think that the whole miracle thing maybe out of my control, so I'm taking the martyr way to sainthood. I am simply asking that one of you, my friends, read Satan Worshiping goat lovers, kill me as I defend the true God and all of his teachings. I don't think that it is really that much to ask considering everything I have done for all of you. Like that time at that party when I turned that really bad beer into good beer. Or the time I walked across that fountain and was placed in jail while trying to protect all of your rights to free speech.
    As for what I should be Patron Saint of, I feel that to be so obvious, I shouldn't even have to tell you. I would be the Patron Saint of the Drunken Hawaiian Shirt Wearing Fat Guys. Who in this life needs more protection than this group of brave proud souls? These men who open themselves to ridicule and mockery at every party, beer blast, and sporting event. Every time one of these drunken boozers tries to prove that he can run and takes off across a vacant lot, I'll be there slowing his fall. Every time one of these proud warriors of the social scene ends up hooking up with a really scary stalker type, I'll be the one telling him it never happened. When he pops his knee trying to impress a girl on the dance floor, I'll be the one telling him to shake it off and have another drink. And when it's 2 a.m. and he's throwing up behind a dumpster I'll be the hand on his back making sure he doesn't pass out face first in his own vomit.
    The best part, the fact that there will be key chains, posters, and statues (actions figures that don't move) of me St. Scott of Baltimore, in every Catholic Church in America. And all of you can say you knew me when, I was only little Scotty McCormick, actor, partier, and super hero.