Every year The Point
News would put out an April Fool's Day edition. I don't remember whether
I wrote any other year but this was one of my best shots at campus satire.
This was the only time one of my articles made the front page. Granted
it was under the name Garbonjo Miles, but it was on the front page. Please
enjoy:
New Admissions Policy
Could Discriminate
In an attempt to bring the
best students to St. Mary's College, Admissions is hoping to put in place
a new highly competitive admission process for 1994-95. For the most part
the Admissions Office will continue to rely on traditional attitudinal
indicators, such as SAT scores, recommendations, and writing samples. However,
to improve the overall student quality physically as well as mentally,
the College will be instituting a new American Gladiator's type Endurance
Test.
The new test, which will
be called the Eliminator, will test over a;; strength, speed, and agility.
Based on several years of intensive research, this test includes a 5K run,
long-jump, pole vault, rope climb and finally a battle to the death in
a new campus structure called the Thunderdome. Applicants would receive
basic training in small arms use and hand to hand combat before their match.
Dean of Admissions, Jim
"Mad Max" Antonio, said, "The only way we can build a bigger and better
student body is to eliminate the weak and pathetic. If a kid can't use
a Glock he sure as hell can't be trusted with a multimillion dollar Science
Building.
However, some members
of the upper administration were a little more hesitant with their full
endorsement of the new policy. Provost Melvin "Hawk" Endy, expressed his
reservations in a recent faculty memo."Can we really expect to find a new
Einstein or Whitman, in a school full of Charles Bronsons? Besides, I don't
think I would be able to pass this test. Why should we ask the new students
to do what we can't?"
Director of Admissions,
Rich "Dirty Harry" Edgar, said, "If you think about it we should have insituted
this policy a long time ago. It can only improve the ability of our students
to handle the high stress world of higher education."
Several student groups
have expressed their outrage at this new policy. Student Government President,
Scott "Rainbow" Zervitz has said he opposes any changes to the current
admissions policy. "I remember a kinder and gentler admissions policy.
Remember that cute 'Which cartoon character are you the most like?' question
they used to have? Where are those questions? Where?"
The new policy still
needs to be approved by the Board of Trustees. President Lewis dosen't
think there will be any problem getting it past the Board. "Some of those
old fellows really love a good fight! Ben Bradlee alone has three pairs
of brass knuckles."
Send your comments to: [email protected]
