If
previous articles from the Point News haven't alienated you non-St. Mary's
readers this one just might do the trick. It was written during my drunken
days just before graduation. When I just didn't care who was pissed off
at me anymore. It was in response to a rumor, that was actually based in
truth, that there was no rain contingency for St. Mary's College Commencement
Exercises. For those of my friends who went to G.W. you can attest that
that really sucks. Their graduation, an outdoor event, was in fact canceled
in 1995. Here is my favorite tirade:
Cancellation of graduation
due to precipitation?
That's it. The ball game's
over. We're finished. That's all she wrote. Adios. Hasta la vista. Grease
up the cattle prod, it's over. I have finally reached the end of my rope.
Wet down the puppy and get me some lather. Rip off my ears and call me
Myrtle. Deck the halls with exit signs. Hold onto the popcorn, it's getting
wet in here. Lose something in my pants. Tie up the goat, I'm making brownies.
Never cross a street sideways. in case of inclement weather don't even
think about picking up your diploma.
We the students of St.
Mary's College have been living with a myth (this would not be the first).
We have always assumed that if the weather were bad on the day of the Commencement,
that an alternate program would be held in the gymnasium and each of us
would be allowed two tickets. Many of us may have noticed in our packet
of information a tiny notice that if the weather was inclement we would
be mailed our diplomas and there would be no Commencement Exercises of
any kind. Now not to jinx the event, but rain has never really been an
issue for our out of door Commencement exercises. The problem is I am not
exactly clear on what qualifies as inclement weather.
I have some possible
examples and anyone who has any knowledge about the true definition please
call me. (Before anyone gets offended Scott is still writing under the
delusion that it's still the April Fool's Day Issue and he can say anything
he wants.)
Here we go possible inclement
conditions:
Rain, fog, tornado, hurricane,
sand storm, solar flares, over eager photographers, hung over students,
frogs, swarms of bees, boils, locusts, the St. Mary's River turning to
blood and or catching on fire, a Republican takeover of Congress, Mike
Tyson's return to boxing, Don' King's return to Mr. Ray's, the sinking
of Challenge America, the inflation of a giant balloon which says "Bite
me!", the next chapter in the Star Wars saga, an administrator figuring
out that the Point News is printed in human blood, famine, pestilence,
war, it turns out that Jim Morrison was faking his death or he was faking
his life, a Beatles reunion, Dr. Lewis has a nasty bout with heat rash,
the awards convocation is still going on, and finally the return of the
onion tart to Woods.
Other senior events which
may also be canceled due to inclement conditions: the blessing of the shoe
tree, the annual summer spawning run in St. John's Pond, the traditional
mooning by the senior most faculty member, the phone calls early in the
morning telling you that you still need one more W course, the beating
with a paddle by the provost, the Board of Trustees' 1970s Airband, the
ponding of the students who can not swim, pictures with the president and
his collection of failed students he has locked in a secret room under
Calvert, the annual passing of the bottle to the most inebriated freshman,
angry letters from the yearbook editor about how he was used by the evil
executive board, the student protest for screen doors for my bedroom door,
and finally the usual whining about student government elections.
The point is we all put
a lot into graduating from this school and we deserve some sort of recognition.
Whether this recognition come on the beautiful townhouse green or the basketball
courts.
