Greetings all! This has been a sort of whacky week so I am
a bit behind in my writing. This is one of the pieces of which I
am most proud. It comes from The Point Newsof November 1,
1994. This is the piece that Ted Lewis, the President of St. Mary's
College of Maryland, called my best work ever. And he was sober when
he said it, I don't know whether that makes it true or not. This
is an interview I did with myself. I make reference to several articles
that I had written and several St. Mary's College inside joke kinds of
things. I print it at the risk of alienating many of you. Therefore,
The
New Rodent Review proudly, or at least not too ashamedly, presents:
Exclusive:
Scott does a cheap Playboy knock-off
Point News:
Many have asked why your commentaries are so non-threatening and some have
even said, passive?
Scott
McCormick: Who said that? Let me get my hands on them and then I'll show
them non-threatening. Seriously, I don't write to be controversial or to
be liked or disliked, I write for a much deeper reason. My friends know
I write for the sheer pleasure of abusing the English language. Nothing
excites me more than dangling a participle or launching into an extended
metaphor for about a paragraph and a half. I write to show how badly the
public education system has prepared me to be a contributing member of
the human race.
Point
News: Come on your writing isn't that bad.
SM:
Yes, it is. I was once told by a reader that if they wrote as badly as
I did they would shoot themselves to save their family further embarrassment.
Point
News: Many have said that your real reason for avoiding the controversial
issues is because you want everyone to like you?
SM:
They certainly haven't said that to me.
Point
News: Have you ever gotten a negative reaction to one of your commentaries?
SM:
Last year's Naughty and Nice List got me in some trouble with the College
Republicans. They felt that I was misrepresenting their organization.
They thought I was scaring people away from their club. They thought
I was always going on about Republicans and never bothered anyone else.
I asked them, what am I supposed to do attack the BSU, GLSU, WAGE, or the
Chess Club? These are all clubs that I agree with as a whining-pinko-liberal.
Besides I love the College Republicans as individuals. I don't know how
many times I've walked up to one of them and just kissed them hard on the
mouth.
Point
News: Some of your critics have said your commentaries make no sense?
SM:
Yeah! So?
Point
News: Does that bother you?
SM:
Does it bother me? Does it bother me? Let me tell you what bothers me more
than people saying I don't make sense, is people who tell me that people
say that I don't make sense.
Point
News: Last year you wrote a rather lengthy article on the Assassination
of President Kennedy. Was there any reaction to your allegations that St.
Mary's College President Edward T. Lewis is actually JFK?
SM:
I don't want to talk about it.
Point
News: Why don't you want to talk about it?
SM;
Because the threatening phone calls have stopped and I don't want then
to start again.
Point
News: You received threatening calls for a commentary in a college newspaper.
SM:
They are always watching. They know what you think, man! What you do, man!
And who you sleep with. I told them I was kidding, but these people just
don't seem to have a sense of humor. Better to let sleeping dogs die I
always say. There is only so much spying on one can take. I would like
to say in print, that I do and always shall believe that the President
was killed by a single gun man working alone. Unfortunately that gun man
was Lyndon Johnson, but you didn't hear that from me.
Point
News: Has anyone ever told you that you were paranoid?
SM:
Why did someone tell you that? I knew someone was saying I was paranoid.
Everyone thinks it don't they? My father used to tell me just because you
are paranoid doesn't mean everyone isn't out to get you.
Point
News: Speaking of controversy, at the end of last year you were at the
center of a scandal yourself. What effect have those allegations
had on your life?
SM:
Thank you for asking that question so delicately. I would just like to
say when I was involved in that nude photo session, I was told they were
art pictures. If I had known they would be used to sell a calendar, I never
would have been involved in the project. I especially regret that picture
with me and the peacock.
Point
News: If you could change one thing at the College, what would it be?
SM:
My grade in College Math.
Point
News: What are your feelings about the changes to the campus?
SM:
Change is good only when it doesn't affect me. Most of the change will
affect everyone else and that means it's good.
Point
News: That's rather a self-centered point of view. How would you respond
to your critics who say the only thing you ever seem concerned about is
yourself?
SM:
I'm sorry could you repeat the question I was thinking about what I'm going
to have for lunch.
Point
News: Do you feel funny writing an article where you are writing the questions
and the answers?
SM:
No stranger than usual. Why do you feel funny?
Point
News: No, just thought I would ask. Have you ever dreamed of having your
own newspaper?
SM:
Yes, but it would only be comics like that adorable Murry.
Point
News: What do you think of your fellow Point News Staff Writers?
SM:
I like them all. What that Katie does with a telephone should be illegal,
it's so funny. And I still can't believe the depth of Steve's witty movie
reviews. "Forrest Gimp", doesn't that just bleed Pulitzer. The only one
I don't understand is that John Allen. Why would someone write just to
get angry letters? If he wanted hate mail, he should just post his address
in the Post Office on a sign that says, "Bite Me Cha-Cha."
Point
News: Have you ever wished that you could get the kind of reaction from
the student body?
SM:
No.
Point
News: What is your dream commentary?
SM:
Being able to connect the beginning of World War I and the decline of the
African Mountain Gorilla.
Point
News: Is there a connection?
SM:
Not yet. That's the best thing about commentaries, you can connect almost
anything. And they let you.
Send
all of your questions or comments to [email protected]