Shame, Guilt and Paralyzing Fear Or Am I OK?
pride : 1) inordinate self-esteem : conceit 2) reasonable or justifiable self-respect 3) delight or elation arising from some act, possession, or relationship shame : 1) a painful emotion caused by consciousness of guilt, shortcoming, or impropriety 2) a condition of humiliating disgrace or disrepute : IGNOMINY 3) something that brings strong regret, censure or reproach. disgrace : 1) the condition of one fallen from grace or honor ignominy : 1) deep personal humiliation and disgrace regret : 1) to mourn a loss 2) to be sorry for 3) an expression of distressing emotion (as sorrow or disappointment 4) a note declining an invitation reproach : 1) a cause or occasion of blame 2) the act or action of disapproving 3) an expression of rebuke or disapproval censure : 1) a judgment involving condemnation 2) the act of blaming or condemning sternly 3) to find fault with and criticize as blameworthy guilt : 1) the fact of having committed a breach of conduct violating law and involving a penalty 2) the state of one who has consciously committed an offense 3) a feeling of culpability for offenses. culpable : 1) meriting condemnation or blame Shame is buried in our subconscious along with the other traumas that continue to affect our daily lives. People will pay thousands of dollars to therapists in an effort to find the happiness they deny themselves. Often the therapist’s job is to get a person to dredge from their subconscious, all the traumas and painful experiences during infancy and adolescence. Then the feelings they create are identified and the effects those feelings have on the person's consciousness are recognized. Armed with an understanding of a childhood event, the repressed memory and the associated turbulence, the patient then cures himself. Dr. Harris wrote a best seller titled " I'm OK, you're OK " that describes the inheritance of guilt and a low self-esteem. He said that people come out of their childhood with clear memories of a parents admonishments. 'Look at what you did!' 'Oh, no! I'll never get those marks off the wall!'… 'Why don't you learn to be responsible!' Those were painful then and they are painful now. Many of us swore 'I'll never say those things to my children when I grow up.' A lot of literature has been published advising that we should avoid everything that could damage a child's self-esteem (including discipline). [More on that later.] Dr. Harris wrote that we came out of that with one of three attitudes. "I'm not OK, you're OK", the more common conclusion that leaves people feeling unhappy, repressed and suffering a low self-esteem. "I'm Ok, you're not OK", a feeling that gives thieves the belief that they deserve taking what somebody else has worked for. "I'm not OK, you're not OK", a feeling I can neither relate to nor understand. Harris' objective is to educate people that the training they received as children does not apply to them as adults. As children, we were not OK. We were learning, experimenting, testing, living, growing and making mistakes. We outgrew our naiveté, acne and wardrobes but most did not outgrow the feeling of inadequacy. How many people do you know who believe 'keeping up with the Jones' is an expected if not acceptable behavior. I can only guess about the actual childhood of my parents, but I doubt it was too much like mine. I've heard they lived under a 'be seen and not heard' environment. They believed Spock's book on raising babies was inspirational. Spock had a corner on the market because his was the ONLY book on raising children. Most of my peers have parents that share my folk's views. I'm guessing about what has caused a trend in today's youth. I believe that Spock's methods were used to raise most of the people in the 40's to 50's age group and those methods are responsible for an entire generation of bruised egos and low self esteem. Now we are raising a generation of delinquents without a sense of responsibility and unable to pay attention. The pendulum has swung too far in the other direction from 'children should be seen not heard' to 'give them liberty and don't hurt their feelings'. Recently, an experiment was published in which the fences around playground were taken down. The surprising result was that the children huddled near the center and avoided the outer areas. Limits give them a sense of security. Another shot in the foot that has not done our kids a favor is we have paid too much attention to them. They have learned to expect having adults pay attention to them. However, when they get to school, they are not equipped to pay attention to the teachers. If the teachers aren't as entertaining as Big Bird and Ernie, they see a class full of disinterested faces. When 'Don't hurt their feelings' is interpreted to mean that a parents should not discipline the cost is great and in form we don't expect. It seems that the Nineties will be remembered as the decade of the scapegoat. Too often we see a case where the innocent has a better attorney. We laugh when Bart Simpon is caught surrounded by the evidence of his misdeed and he innocently says 'Hey, it was like that when I got here'. How do we know our children are not interpreting our reactions as approval? When we were kids and our carelessness was evidenced by some valuable item shattering on the floor or a baseball taking a shortcut, we found it difficult to sit down for an hour. Many of us swore off doing that to our kids and only gingerly scold them with the assurance 'I know you didn't mean to do that. Accidents happen. It'll be OK. You're a good boy.' Sure it doesn't bruise their egos and self-esteem but prevents their learning cause and effect. On top of that, when the media reports a bombing in Jerusalem, they also report the PLO claims responsibility. So, how can they develop the connection between their actions and penalties? Is it a surprise they take pride in what should be embarrassing? I question too, that we are doing our children a disservice by over complimenting them. Every mother I know, including my own, intentionally inflates the egos of her children. Some have told me "Yes, of course I do. I'm supposed to. I'm his mother dammit...". To the children, who are a lot smarter than we realize, this translates into a valueless stroke because they know 'Mom is just being Mom". Fathers have a tendency to deflate the child's ego with two tools. 1) the left handed compliment "for a little guy, you did reeaal good", which translates into infantese as "You aren't good because you're small." or 2) "That was great! Now, I know you can do better", which translates into "You'll never be good enough.". We want for our children to have a good opinion of themselves and to take pride in their accomplishments while we simultaneously want to encourage them to develop a drive to excel. I checked with my own son and he said "I have no suggestions. It's a loose-loose situation no matter what." We learned early to not base our self-esteem on the great intentions of our parents. Our self-esteem was then and is now, a function of what other people think of us, not a function of what we think of ourselves. There lies the power behind the force that controls us. We understand the pain of bruising our thumb with a hammer. We should understand why we feel pain when we do something and other folks wag their fingers. If we do something and it bashes the image other people have of us, then we have bashed our self-esteem and that is a bruise we can't handle. A sore thumb can be put on ice. A diminished public image doesn't respond to a salve. Booze and drugs do very well, but their effects are too short lived. A bruised self-esteem takes a very long time to heal. We tend to scoff at the faith healers in tent revivals who 'cure' a stranger but we trust in the power of prayer when we have a friend in the hospital. His healing power is applied to every ailment from asthma to zits. Us 'doubting Thomases' don't put much stock in spiritual influences on physical problems any more than praying will help my stock portfolio. Placebos often have the same affect that a drug has, so how can differentiate between a coincidence and a miracle? Apply things spiritual to things not physical and the cures are not miracles, but proper treatment. Still, we can't whole heartedly enjoy the freedom of being ourselves. We are handcuffed by imagined rules of propriety and imagined expectations from other people. But then we scold our children because they obey the influence of their peers and not their own good judgment. We will pay hundreds of dollars to participate in therapy groups where we can find a safe place to speak freely, where we can give and receive the support needed to cure our wounded psyche. It is a dream to expect to find a safe place among people we know. A minority of people find a safe place when their spouses are present. What if we could weigh our self-esteem on our own opinions? What would happen if we could discard knowing that people talk behind their doors? Go back to essays menu return to HOME If you have comments, questions or suggestions, please email [email protected]
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