Update on my so-called life

There's a reference for ya. I heard it was a decent show. Never saw it myself. Pity... Claire Danes was (is still, I'm sure) a cutie...

Okay, better start with the big stuff: I'm depressed. Not just today; it's probably something approaching clinical depression. Now, personally, I've never had much sympathy for middle-class suburbanite white kids who say they're depressed. Man, do things change when it's you it's happening to. I have changed my opinion accordingly. I completely acknowledge that there's chemical imbalances in the brain, etc., etc., etc. I'm just not convinced that's what's going on with me right now. I think my problem is simpler and much less biological in nature: I have no sense of purpose.

I graduated from IC with a nice piece of paper saying I can play a bass trombone, and another piece of paper saying I can teach kids music. I really don't want to teach. I had a horrible time during my student teaching, and I do not believe for a minute that it was "just a bad student teaching experience, that's all," as everyone tries to convince me. Yeah, it was a bad experience, and I really didn't like the program I was forced to work in, but more than that: I hated the lifestyle of band director. I mean, for starters, I worked hard in school for all those years just so I didn't have to go to school any more! :-p

So, if I'm not going to teach, I'll just perform, right? Well, here comes another quirk of mine: I love to perform, but I hate to practice. Just picking up and playing a trombone doesn't do it for me; only playing in a band, orchestra, chamber group, or trombone choir does. I'm actually quite paranoid about people hearing me practice. I never practiced much in middle or high school, because the family would hear me. College was okay, because you had a private room, but now... I have to close the windows and doors before I can start playing. My own girlfriend can't even be in the house, or I get all tense. It's pathetic, I know.

So college seems to have been almost a waste of time and money to me right now. I know the experiences I had there are priceless, and I wouldn't trade them for anything, but I kinda wish I'd been in a field where I could get a job I'd be happy with...

I'm sorting myself out, so I took a job with AmeriCorps at the American Red Cross in Ithaca, as well as a job as a youth minister at First Presbyterian Church of Ithaca. Meanwhile, I'm mentally and internetally (yeah, yeah, I made it up just now, gimme a break) exploring other options.

• Ministry is one such option. Hence, why I took the youth ministry gig (the free housing doesn't hurt anything, either). I'm convinced I could do it for a living, but I'm not convinced that I want to do it for a living.
• I'm seriously considering going back to school for a Master's Degree in performance, auditioning my butt off, and landing a gig somewhere. Downside: what gigs? Do you know how many bass trombone jobs there are out there? Only one per ensemble, if it's a big ensemble. How many bass trombonists are vying for those positions? The odds boggle the mind.
• Another option: flight school. I've always had a fascination with flying. Ask my family -- for years, all I did in my free time was play flight simulators or read books on flying. It started when I learned that my grandfather had been a fighter pilot in the Pacific theater during World War II. I remember thinking that was just the coolest thing ever. It got to the point where I decided I wanted to join the Air Force, too... then people broke the news to me that the Air Force wouldn't let me fly because I have poor eyesight. And, at least at the time, they weren't convinced that LAISC would help enough. So, there went my dream -- ironically enough, crashing into flames. But you don't have to have perfect vision for flying a Med-Evac helicopter or working on airborne fire-suppression, either of which would be an awesome job, to my way of thinking. Downside: the job market. Turnover is very low in the flight industry -- as in music, when you get the gig, you keep the gig as long as you can. But I'm thinking that this is an option where the potential drawbacks don't outweigh the benefits. So, I'm tentatively planning on checking out some flight schools over the course of this year.

In other news... I also want to chase another dream: thru-hike the Appalachian Trail. Yep, I want to go for a walk in the woods... from Georgia to Maine. I'm thinking of it as a sort of modern-day "Vision Quest." And if I get no visions of what I'm supposed to do with this life... well, there's always flight school!