December 12, 1999
sometimes you've got to take what you want.
it's as simple as that. i learned my lesson with her. i loved her. i wanted her. i took her. was i a bastered for that? probably. do i regret it? occasionally. would i take it all back even when i know how it all turned out? never.
for once in my life i was forceful about my needs.
for once in my life i knew what i wanted.
for once in my life i didn't care how my actions were going to affect somone else. i put my needs before the worlds.
lord knows i've recieved my share of shit because of it. but with every gamble there is a bit of risk. some gambles warrent more risk then others, and some risks are worth more then the outcome. you have to pick and chose your battles. with every action there is an equal or greater reaction. you have to know when to pull up stakes and get the hell out before shit just goes insane and drags you to the ground. what if i hadn't made those dicisions? what if i had just walked away from her and not left my phone number on that mantle? what if i hadn't agreed to see her the next day. what if?? where would i be?
i know exactly what my situation would be like.
i would still be ignorant of who i am. i would still be curious has to how i would love and how i would be loved. i would still crave a thing that i do not understand. i would still be unaware of the greatest pleasure and the greatest pain that can be recieved and given in a lifetime.
so i appreciate my experiances.
they have shaped me to a finer point. they have helped to focus me and direct my consciousness to a place where i can come to happiness, and isn't that all anybody really seeks? happiness.
i took what i wanted from someone else who wanted it just the same, and i don't regret it. i am not wrong.