Bryan's Survey

YES!!! HOORAY!!! It's finally here. I know, I know, you all have fallen into terrible states of depression since my last one.. but here it is! I'm really tired, but staying up anyway to present to you... (drum roll)
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(shoots drummer)
TADA!! Bryan's Third Annual (well.. kinda annual anyway) Survey!

Okay. I'm sure you all know the rules by now. ..um, although I'm not sure that there really were any in the first place. I guess the only rule is that you must return this survey to me. Well, okay. Must is a pretty strong word, but I'd really like to see how you respond. For those of you unfamiliar with this tradition of mine, um.. you should be able to figure it out and follow along just fine... I hope.

Each Question that is numbered requires an answer, so give it one.

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Category #1
HISTORY

1. (Here's a pretty good pick up line for ya.) So.. who's your favorite foreign dictator?

2. If you had to choose between living on the set of The Dick Van Dyke Show or I Love Lucy, which would you choose and why?

3. Do you even know where Iwo Jima is?

4. What word was (see.. it fits in the history category) I thinking about five seconds ago?

5. If you could go back in time and live in any era of history, when would it be?

6. What did you have for breakfast this morning?

7. What didn't you have for breakfast this morning?

8. Why not?

9. Do you enjoy endless lines of questioning centering around one seemingly simple answer?

10. Oh. Is that so?

11. Really?

12. Are you absolutely sure?

13. Did you cry when Pets.com went out of business? (sissy)

14. What was the primary cause of the civil war? (No. Not Satan)

15. If you were walking along the road at a public park on a bright sunny day, and say a police officer leaning against the side of a D.A.R.E. can smoking a cigarette, and you saw a bunch of innocent little children who's minds had not yet been eaten alive by the horror that is modern television playing nearby unaware of the fate that would soon corrupt them as they entered a world plagued with violence and filth beyond description, (deep breath) would you still wait 'til you were behind a tree to pick your nose?

16. Who would you rather date; Tolstoy or Dostoevsky, and why? (Please answer with sources and a bibliography... MLA Format)

17. If you had a new roll of 2001 Denver mint pennies, would you: A) See how many you can swallow? B) Sell then on the black market for a tidy profit? or C) Trade them in for two shiny quarters? (Yes! The ones with the states on the back!)

18. Did you think that 18 questions was enough for this category? (Yeah.. me too.)

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Category #2
POLITICS

19. Are you from Palm Beach County? (If so, please light your keyboard on fire and go take a nap)

20. Are you tired? (See above)

21. Who is your favorite President?

22. Who is your favorite Vice-President?

23. Why didn't any other presidents name their cats Socks? (Seriously, it's a good name!)

24. Does the name Carter bring back memories of finacial reformation or ER?

25. Doesn't it suck that Dr. Green is leaving the show?

26. Doesn't Greenspan sound like a cool name for a progressive rock band?

27. If Campaign 2004 pits Hilary Clinton against George W don't you think Rodham is a really lame middle name?

28. Seriously. Don't you?

29. Do you think that the Green Party should change it's name to something more interesting like.. the "illegal drugs" party or the "party that no one will vote for" part of maybe just something more colorful? (Hmm.. wonder how many times I can get the word green in this category)

30. um.. If George W was forced to battle space aliens using only his incredible fist-fighting skills, but the aliens were actually friendly and he didn't know it, and the fate of the entire world rested on his shoulders, don't you think that would be really heavy? And wouldn't the GREEN Lantern be a better choice to fight aliens? (I mean, he's got experience!)

31. Who has the cutest daughters: Gore or George W? (See, that's a good enough reason for me to vote for him)

32. Did you vote?

33. Did you feel like a better American afterward? (Yeah... me neither)

34. If you didn't vote, why not?

35. If you couldn't vote, would you have?

36. If you answered all of these questions even though they didn't all apply to you, why are you such an ass?

37. Speaking of asses... What animal do you think would better represent the Democratic Party? (I know, I know... it does a pretty good job)

38. The GREEN Party doesn't have an animal mascot. What one would you choose for it?
(Webmaster's Note: It has been found that the Green Party does have an animal mascot; the seal... or something like that. So what animal would you choose anyway?)

39. Did you know that 13 times 3 is 39?

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Category #3
POTPOURRI

40. What flavor of potpourri is your favorite?

41. If your best friend was drowning in a bowl of tomata soup and the only way to save him/her was to be sure to call 9-1-1 within the next 28 seconds, would you still make some lame joke about always eating your vegetables before you place the call?

42. If your best friend made some lame joke about always eating your vegetables while you were busy drowning in a bowl of tomato soup, would you reconsider his/her earlier suggestion that you should make chicken noodle?

43. What's your favorite kind of soup?

44. If you could be any key one your entire keyboard, what one would you be and why?

45. Okay.. Let's say that you just woke up from some terrible nightmare about ants eating your skin because you made some lame joke about their queen being a victim of the paparozzi after you stepped on her. Now that you are awake, you realize that it was no dream and that ants really are eating your flesh, and you didn't even make a rude joke! (I know, I know, what a bunch of mean ants!) In your pockets you carry only three items for survival: a copy of the latest Tom Clancy novel, 22 1/2 mint flavored toothpicks, and a pen you snatched from your local Safeway. Given the fact that ants hate mint flavored toothpicks and you can barely see straight from just waking up, what is your all time favorite movie?

46. Wouldn't it be cool fi the popular television show Survivor had just a bunch of British school kids on an island, and they passed around a conche shell and whoever held it was the only person allowed to speak, until most of the kids ended up following the mean bully kid who eventually went on the war path and filled the show with meaningless violence proving once again that group brutality is okay? (Wait.. um.. maybe that wouldn't be so cool after all)

47. Who's your daddy?

48. What's your favorite play by Shakespeare?

49. Wazzup?

50. Can you believe that you've answered 50 questions???

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Category #4
SPORTS

51. What is your favorite sport?

52. Cal Ripkin currently holds that record for playing in the most consecutive games.. ie days without missing work. Do you think they awarded him with a day off with pay? (If you don't get the joke, too bad)

53. Who is your pick to win the Super Bowl in the year 2057?

54. What will be the score?

55. Will the commercials be any good?

56. If you had fulfilled your dream of becoming the synchronized swimming champ of the world (sorry, it's a tough profession) who would you have picked as your partner?

57. What was your high school mascot?

58. Who is the greatest sportscaster of all time?

59. Do you think that O.J. Simpson's parents fully understood the implications of naming their kid after a popular breakfast beverage?

60. Will you (truthfully) watch the XFL when it premiers?

61. Who is cuter: Wayne Gretsky, Pedro Martinez, or Ronald McDonald? (old Ronald, not the new one)

62. Who "knows" more sports: Michael Jordon or Bo Jackson?

63. What do you think my next category should be?

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Category #5
um.. FINAL CATEGORY (if you had given me a good idea... geez)

64. If you could travel forward in time 700,000 years, who would you go meet?

65. Given our current economic status and our relations with China and the rest of the Communist world, how did you just pronounce status? The correct way, or like George W with a long a?

66. What number do I have to add to 66 to make the one represented on the mark of the beast? (If you say "6" you're wrong, check your math)

67. Why does the word priceless represent infinite value when the suffix "less" means lacking or none?

68. Have you enjoyed this survey so far?

69. Why not?

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Okay, everybody. That's it! Now all you have to do is send your filled out verion back to me! Oh, as usual, there is a prize given to the most uniquely and/or correctly filled out survey, so be sure that you answered every question honestly. (Yikes.. that was a lot of adverbs wasn't it?)
Oh, and if you would like, feel free to forward this to any of your friends that you think would like to receive it... And if you received this and you have no idea who I am, but you still want to see how you match up and have your answers read by myself and my two counterparts, me and I, feel free to forward a copy of your answers to [email protected]. Be sure to sent it back to your friends too, though.
Have a nice day,
Bryan