So I'm sitting there, hating the world and minding my own business--as I do quite often--and somebody asks me "Should we go to war?" My logical response was "go lick an electrical socket." I didn't know this guy, but he was all buddy-buddy with me. The nerve. Should we go to war... bah.

It got me thinking: this war business, it's really pissing me off. We could have finished the war by now if it wasn't for the piss-and-moan United Nations and those hippie quakers protesting all over the world. Like they care. Apparently it has become cool to go against the President. You're smart if you call him an idiot, right? Or, you're just a famous Hollywood actor. But then you tend to say he's worse than Hitler.

It seems these days that you can't spit without hitting some anti-war celebrity who, for one reason or another, thinks his misinformed liberal neo-hippie views deserve to be respected more than my misinformed pompous prick teenager views. What a joke. I say we round up all celebrities and put them in a concentration camp. We could call it Camp Shut-The-Hell-Up-Because-No-One-Cares. Here's how the schedule would look:

5:00 AM: Wake up
5:15-6:00 AM: Get kicked in the gut
6:00-7:00 AM: Mandatory Whipping Hour
7:00-Noon: Mental abuse
Noon-4:00 PM: Manuel labor
4:00-5:00 PM: The "Human Shield Draft"
5:00-8:00 PM: More manuel labor
8:00 PM: Lights out (Also known as "Fun with a Gun")

With such a rigorous and exciting program, George Clooney and his ilk will be far too busy to feign concern with the current political situation in the Middle East.

That's another thing that bugs me. The Middle East. We all know it doesn't really exist. It's propaganda, that's all. I've never been to the Middle East. You haven't either. If you think you have, you're wrong. In fact, if there's one thing television has taught me, it's that there is nothing else in the world besides America. With our loose moral values and acceptance of everything in the known universe as "just as important to society," we have effectively taken over the world. And by "we" I mean America. Anyone who says he's from somewhere else has a stick planted firmly in his rectum. It's all treason.

I've decided that I am at war with Iraq already. Iraq is nothing more than a set over in Hollywood, and since I've got a beef with Hollywood I'm naturally against Iraq. America's wasting its time trying to get support, and all those panzies need to stop singing "Give Peace A Chance" long enough to pay me a visit so I can beat them to death with their own shoes. My war with "Iraq" will be over before America ever starts.



Don't like it? Complain!

Or contact me:
E-Mail: [email protected]