A quick note:
I am trying something new here today. There are several small points that I may cover, each separated by an admittedly irrelevant segue--just because I thought segues would be more fun than abrupt topic changes. The result, you will find, may astonish you to an extreme hitherto unprecedented and perhaps only to be spoken of in myth and lore hereafter.

Chirpchirpchirpchirpchirp go all the little birdies.

I want to write an influential pamphlet on the sleep cycle I have adopted as of the past several months, but the entire schedule can be summed up in the phrase "I sleep when I want to," and thus would make for an historically short piece of literature. This schedule is the reason I am awake at 6:35 in the morning, not because I am a metaphoric early bird, but because I have yet to feel the calming hand of sleep gently push down on my eyelids. I live my life one two-hour nap at a time.

January 2005 saw over a 100% increase in traffic to Joe's Hole from December 2004. As January brought about the more-than-a-quarter-year-without-an-update mark, it is only logical for me to assume that a production curve of my updates versus time approaches zero, a curve on the same axis of my site hits will approach infinity, making me just about the most influential person in contemporary society. I plan on putting Yahoo! out of business by May and retiring off my ad sales profits by the end of the year.

With the new year (at this point, the 37-day-old year, I suppose), I feel the need for a change in format to occur. I may take an idea from influential and award-winning science fiction author Orson Scott Card and review everything I see or experience; I may post humorous anecdotes about my escapades around campus and my interactions with my peers and superiors; I may write short stories and serial novels and plays and build up something of a portfolio; I may do all three. The problem with my current format is that it allows for the production of one update every several months basically discussing how I have nothing to discuss--and, as such, have nothing to post on my humble website.

I'm not saying that that will necessarily change. It's a nice dream, though.

In recent weeks, I have begun reading an exorbitant amount of what some might consider literature just for the sheer pleasure of doing so--a prospect which I had not so much as considered for the better part of high school. But this is college, and college is the time for experimentation. (Most people experiment with drugs. I experiment with the post-modern classics. It's really all the same.) My most recent rendezvous with literature is Anthony Burgess's so-proclaimed masterpiece A Clockwork Orange, which I contend is, quite probably, the most ridiculous book ever written. I have never seen the movie (though a world of pretentious English major-types have implied that, as one might expect, the book is better anyway), so the whole "random imported faux-Russian slang" deal caught me a bit off-guard. Once I got past that, O my brothers, I was able to appreciate the beauty and aesthetics of, say, raping 10-year-old girls and beating old ladies with metal statuettes relatively unhindered. As such, life was good.

This sojourn into such gloriously exalted prose has led to something of a sense of futility. My university's library has available, by its own assertion, "over 4,000,000 catalogued volumes, 4,200,000 microforms, 1,000,000 documents, 550,000 maps and images, and 20,000 computer data sets"--which, at least from my relatively ignorant perspective, seems awfully commendable. However, of those millions of books to choose from, how is one to determine what is worth his time and what isn't? It's a shame to realize that I won't be able to get to everything I would like to.

On the other side of the coin (let's call it tails), reading tends to be one of those intellectual, scholarly things to do, much like debating politics and eating tofu and all those other things that I have developed an irrational disgust towards. A few weeks ago I had to bite my tongue in order to keep myself from asserting, much like one of the aforementioned pretentious English major-types, that anything on the New York Times Best Sellers list was innately one step above garbage, contributing only to the degeneration of Occidental culture. If somebody else had said that to me I would have politely nodded and politely told him to quit his incessant buffoonery.

Coming from a guy who wants to be a writer, I encourage anyone reading this not to bother too much with books, because the world's got enough fools and English majors. But I repeat myself.

Reciprocal to my sudden urge to raise my awareness of great literature is my inability, due to time constraints, to accomplish much of what used to be done during my free time. This means that I am horribly out of the loop as far as modern cinema goes, that my intake of new music has decreased dramatically, and that my reign as the resident video game nerd has effectively ended. However, finances factor into all of these changes as well.

The one facet of media that I have used more since college began is television. Since I was 13 years old or so, I have not bothered with TV, considering it a waste of my precious time and energy. However, due to very easy access to my TV, being as it is on my desk right next to my computer and my homework, I have been known to flip it on during times of boredom.

Suddenly, it seems, ABC--the network I least respected when last I checked--is doing very well for itself, sporting such shows as Lost (which is good, if monstrously trendy), Boston Legal (which is always a riot--incidentally, now I am interested in watching The Practice), and Desperate Housewives (er, not that I watch that, of course). The general consensus is that NBC hasn't been the same since Seinfeld, and the fact that I've found nothing worth watching on it backs up that theory. CBS is stuck in a rut with a new CSI spin-off coming out every week--although they did recently make a daring move from a crime drama about forensics to a crime drama about mathematics (aptly, yet relatively inanely, entitled Numb3rs [sic]). Fox gets some respect from me--and always has, really--for being willing to take risks on the more risque series. However, I am sick of The Simpsons and American Idol. As of right now, the network's only saving grace, in my eyes, is 24--which might just be my favorite show--and the prospect of a long-awaited fourth season of Family Guy (the funniest cartoon ever to be quoted too much and ruined by overexposure) in May.

On the topic of television, I am writing this article early morning on Super Bowl Sunday and have yet to mention the Super Bowl at all. I, like most sensible people, though by no means a sports analyst, am predicting that the Patriots will beat the Eagles. I'm usually right about these things. And, of course, after the Super Bowl is the series premier of Seth Macfarlene's (creator of Family Guy) new cartoon American Dad, which looks to be just like FG only with a talking fish instead of a talking dog.

A few nights ago, due to my first major sports injury (or due to a knife fight or due to saving a bus full of orphans from a gun-weilding maniac, depending on which story I tell), I had the opportunity to spend the night in the emergency room. In actuality, the injury (which was ultimately caused by a concrete basketball court) was not nearly as severe as it really should have been. Sure, I got 5 stitches, but that's only going to make for an even less-impressive scar.

On the plus side, it turns out there's no shortage of good puns relating to cracking one's head open. "I've got a splitting headache" was a personal favorite of mine, as was the always-well received rebuttal "you're so funny you've left me in stitches." So yeah, a pint or so of blood was lost, but the laughs and memories gained more than make up for it. And for a time, my forehead sort of bled in the shape of a "J," and in the end I think that's what is truly important.

Apparently, according to the Geocities site statistics page, if you search Google for "Underage Sex," a link to Joe's Hole shows up. This was not planned, of course, but as it's bringing in new traffic, I have just one thing to say:

XXX hottest amateur blondes and brunettes on the net do things with blenders you'd only dream about.

I'd subsequently like to welcome the new audience to my humble website, where family values are still in tact and Full House never existed.

Back to the mundane, though, I am leaving home in two weeks in hopes of becoming a famous punk-rocker-slash-skateboarder or maybe a British pop sensation. Should that fall through I will go to college (or university, as they call it every except America [God bless the U.S.A.]), where every day is as eventful and hilarious as a prime time feel-good sitcom and every night is as full of fun and excitement as the 1960s. Some possible plans for my college life are listed below: