"After 17 years of Tetris, I think everything is starting to fall into place"
- Mattygfunk (user name on slashdot)
"These matches are dissapointing me!"
- Janeane Garofalo
"Yes I might be naked and wreaking of panda love, but I still have my dignity"
- Homer S.
Arthur: "You know, it's at times like this that I really wish I had listened to what my mother had told me when I was
young."
Ford: "Why, what did she say?"
Arthur: "(crossly) I don't know, I didn't listen"
- Arthur and Ford from the Hitchhiker's Trilogy
Arthur: "Look, don't you see? This man wants to knock my house down!"
Ford: (puzzled) "Well he can do that while you're away, can't he?"
Arthur: "But I don't want him to!"
Ford: "Ah"
- Ford and Arthur via THGTTG
"Ya know I rued the day once...didn't get much else done"
- Chandler
"That's no flying saucer, that's my ass"
- Bender
"Woman who puts husband in doghouse will find him in cathouse"
"Man who fishes in other man's well will catch crabs"
- Proverbs from brother Ben
"Computers are like air conditioners; they stop working if you open Windows"
- Unknown
Apu: "I always though karma was baloney, but now I know it's not."
Homer: "Mmmm, caramel baloney"
"They only come out at night...or in this case, in the daytime"
- Chief Clancy Wiggum
"Shredded cabbage goes great with shredded carrots and mayonnaise"
- Cole's Law
Lisa: "We'll help you." Bart: "I have a watch with a minute hand." Smithers: "[sighs] All right, you can come. What time is it?" Bart: "12:80. No wait. Wait. Wh-what comes after 12?" Smithers: "One." Bart: "No, after twelve!" Smithers: "[groan]"
- The Simpsons Gang (give or take)
Homer: "Aw, $20! I wanted a peanut!" Homer's brain: "$20 can buy many peanuts." Homer: "Explain how!" Homer's brain: "Money can be exchanged for goods and services"
- Homer and his brain
Q: "Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during your first year?" A: "Charley Weaver: Of course not, Peter. I'm too busy growing strawberries!"
- Charley Weaver on Hollywood Squares
Q: "When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for it's sex?" A: Charley Weaver: "I'll lend him the car. The rest is up to him"
- Charley Weaver on Hollywood Squares (again)
Marge: "You're only hearing what you want to hear!" Homer: "Yes I would like an omelette right about now"
- Homer and Marge (not necessarily in that order)
"Facts are meaningless. You could use facts to prove anything that's even remotely true"
- Homer J. (and apparently something in Atlas Shrugged)
" 'I can't take his money,' 'I can't print my own money,' 'I have to work for money,' why don't I just lie down and die?"
- Homer J.
"They could all be 'the one.' But you never know until you sleep with them. All of them."
- The British (or maybe Australian) guy from Undeclared
"Women are like streetcars: they're big and they have a bell that goes 'clang clang clang' "
- Lewis Kaniski from Drew Carey Show
"If it's not too much to ask, could you hover?"
- Dilbert's PHB
Chris Titus: "You said I was the worst possible result of an orgasm" Ken Titus: "And you took that to be negative?"
- The Tituses
Forman: "I don't want my tongue where Kelso's tongue's been" Kelso: "You shouldn't make out with your mom then"
- The infamous "your mom" joke, here portrayed by Kelso from That 70's Show
"The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you're still a rat"
- Lily Tomlin
"Xerox only did it because it was copying IBM"
- Tom Stack, Sexual Deviant for hire
"I'm always getting screwed by the system. That's my place in the universe; I'm the system's bitch"
- Drew Carey
"Fish are never really alive, just less dead"
- Red Forman
"You spilled hat in my water!"
- Caro(me)line
"I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Weiner. Then I wouldn't have to do any homework"
- A deep thought from Alex
"That would suggest that some way to actually turn empty space into a computer storage mechanism had been discovered (aside from placing a hard drive in the previously empty space)"
- Transient0 (a /. user)
"I don't want to achieve immortality through my work, I want to achieve it through not dying."
- Woody Allen
"They shouldn't be concerned with my drinking; thats the one thing I do well"
- Mr. Wick from Drew Carey Show
"I think there is a world market for, maybe, five computers."
- IBM Chairman, 1943
"I told him I wanted to fuck him. He pulled me up on top of him and like I said earlier, I'm kind of shy"
- B.
"That's the most touching story of statutory rape I've ever heard"
- Kate (from The Drew Carey Show)
"I can't remember having this much fun... sitting up"
- Hugh Hefner
"Let's go find the guy who makes our paychecks and make fun of his religion"
- Drew Carey
Charlie: "Paul, somebody wants you outside" Paul: "Who?" Charlie: "Everyone in here"
- Charlie and Paul in Spin City
"I'm just picking your brain, as opposed to your nose, which would be far less interesting"
- Kate
"I'm the biggest jerk I know"
- Dan aka Dan with the Hands aka Dan the Bastard
Nerd: "I developed a program to download porn one million times faster." Marge: "Does anyone really need that much porn?" Homer: "(salivating noise) Ahhhhhhhh million times faster"
- The Simpson Crew
"We will pass the surly bounds of gravity and punch the face of God"
- Homer
The Peasants: "If I were to say that gullible isn't in the dictionary would you throw it at me?" Schminke: "Gullible or the dictionary?" The Peasants: "That should be obvious." Schminke: "Sure, I'd throw gullible at you." The Peasants: "Exactly"
- The Peasants and Schminke
Schminke: "So Becca's having this New Years Party" Alex: "Really? When is it?"
- Alex and Schminke
"Maybe I'll be Mr. Alford's teacher aide last year"
- Alex
"Ahh love, it makes the world derive"
- Good ol' Molly
"So...you're a baby...hows that working out for you"
- Mr. Burns
"Do you promise to never tell anyone this even though you're a complete idiot?"
- Malcolm (of "Malcolm in the Middle)
/. User 1: "Religion is the excuse to crash airliners into skyscrapers, shoot doctors, and murder your neighbors"
/. User 2: "I guess that would make downtown NYC, "God's Debris"
- 2 /. users
"I know someone, but I don't know who"
- Nelbitch
"Brazil has announced that May 9th, 2002 will be the official 'Orgasm Day'. They hope you come"
- Jimmy Falon
"Which way do you eat a banana?"
- The ever random Karolina
"You'd kick all the private girl school guys' asses at sports"
- Pat (the former peasants) in reference to Schminke (a guy) going to an all girls school
"I should have killed you when I couldn't"
- Pat (former Peasants)
"She was dropping f-bombs like it was her job"
- Mr. Pilewski
"I haven't slept for ten days, because, that would be too long"
- Mitch Hedberg
"Sex is evil, evil's a sin, sins are forgiven, so lets begin"
- Megan
"Drugs are never the answer, unless the question is 'What is not the answer?'. "
- Peggy Hill (of "King of the Hill")
"Real robots with real artificial intelligence"
- Some girl on a toy ad
"We have performed this project a number of times - zero being a number"
- An Induhvidual
"...Back when the artist formerly known as Prince was currently known as Prince"
- Homer Simpson
"My batteries are wrong"
- Tarus
"What'd you do with my pot?!?!"
- Nelbitch (Andy)
"Me, a missionary? But I don't even believe in Jebus"
- Homer Simpson
"Ew, something from the water fountain just went into my mouth"
- Karolina
"Pick a favorite tune and push buttons kinda like Parappa but approximately eleven billion times faster and more difficult"
- Greg describing a game
"Remember, stalagmites might hang from the ceiling, but they don't"
- Scott Adams (creator of Dilbert and "God's Debris")
Chandler: "So it's not different?" Rachael: "Not unless 'different' means 'the same' "
- Chandler Bing and Rachael Green of Friends
"Presidenting is hard!"
- Will Ferrell as George W. Bush
"Hey, you know how I hate Mexicans?"
- Felicia (totally out of the blue)
"This looks like a job for . . . a twenty!"
- Birdman
"If you buy it, hot women will have sex in your backyard"
- Some HFS advertiser
"I've already told you more than i know"
- Dilbert's pointy-haired boss
Burns: "Bring her down Smithers." Smithers: "Uh, you're flying the plane, sir." Burns: "Excellent"
- Montgomery Burns and Wayland Smithers
"I do the round-about AIDS test. I ask my friend Brian if he knows anyone who has AIDS. When he says no, I say cool, cause that means I don't have AIDS" "If you wear a turtleneck and a backpack, it's like a weak midget is on your back strangling you"
- Mitch Hedberg
"I like your shirt. I can't really see it but it looks good. Is it, like, orange?"
- Kate
"Don't throw the ball too hard or else you'll knock all the pins down"
- Pat, giving bowling advice
"Van Gogh would've sold more than one painting if he'd put tigers in them"
- Hobbes
Lisa: "I can't believe you're not still popular." Bart: "What'd you do? Screw up like The Beatles and say you were bigger than Jesus?" Homer: "All the time. It was the title of our second album"
- The Simpson family reminiscing about Homer's group, the B Sharps
"You make Ghandi seem like a child molester"
- Will Ferrell
Warden: "Look at that. He painted a unicorn in outerspace. What's it breathing?"
Homer: "Air?"
Warder: "There ain't no air in space"
Homer: "There's an Air 'n Space Museum"
- Homer Simpson and a jail warden
"After five years in jail for killing his wife, a man is released today. But had he commited the same crime today, he may still be in jail"
- Tony Harris (just think about it for a little bit)
"It's not her sweater I'm interested in. It's what's underneath the sweater that counts
- Micheal Kelso
Milo: "Look at this tower. It must be half a mile high. It had to have taken hundreds or thousands of years"
(BAMMM!!! The tower falls down)
Other Guy: "Wow, look at that. I made a bridge. It only took like ten, twenty seconds tops"
- Milo and some destructive guy from Atlantis
"Come be a part of the group and exercise the 3 "L's" of librarianship -- listen, share, and learn"
- An induhvidual
Chong: "Canada? I've was in Canada during 'Nam" Eric: "Concienscious objector?" Chong: "No, I didn't mind"
- Eric Forman and Chong
"What he lacked in height he made up in shortness"
- Midge, 'That 70's Show'
"He's only a little shy because I've tried to kill him so many times"
- Sideshow Bob
"So I gave that man directions - even though I didn't know the way - because thats the kind of guy I am this week"
- Homer Simpson
"Damn squirrels, they're nothing but rats with fluffy tails. Well, to catch a rat, you have to think like a rat. Where's the cheese?"
- Jake Morgendorfer
"But who will stop Chi-Chi from destroying more innocent lives in her quest for revenge against her temporarily deceased husband?"
- Some Random Guy
Joey: "If the homo sapiens really were 'homo sapiens,' is that why they're extinct?" Ross: "Joey, homo sapiens are people." Joey: "Hey, I'm not judging..."
- Joey and Ross on Friends
"This reminds me of when I was a kid and I used to torture and kill small animals. Ahh, memories"
- Vegeta (from DBZ Rewrite)
Quinn: "You always stay up in your room like a Kermit" Daria: "Well mom likes you better" Quinn: "Thats because I call her better"
- Daria and Quinn, mocking their mom and aunt fighting
"Those are some pretty strong words coming from a guy who's wearing pants"
- Eric Forman
"When I die, I want to be buried face down, so that anyone who doesn't like me can kiss my ass"
- Coach Bobby Knight
"Lisa, am I wearing pants?"
- Homer
"You're almost a legend, except legends are popular in a good way"
- Dan
"He is presumed dead, or on vacation"
- Kent Brockman
"Kitty said that if Laurie wants to date you, I can't stop her. But she's wrong because I could kill you"
- Red Forman
"Put the metal to the petal to the other metal"
- Fry (in Futurama, talking to Bender)
"Don't you get sad, though, I only lied to the doctor in order to get prescription drugs"
- Hal
"It's too long, but I decided I didn't care"
- Whitney
"I've been with my share of women, well, actually, I've been with lots of people's shares of women"
- Joey Tribbianni
"...and you won't know it, but I just told you, so you will know it"
- Fez's exgirlfriend
"Maybe people who played with boats that were really boats can't talk to dead indians"
- George
"You should start smoking"
- Wanda Sykes-Hall
"She doesn't look blonde, but she is"
- Meg
"Everyone knows that senior citizens are stupid"
- Tom Green
Lisa: "There was a burglar and he took my saxaphone!" Homer: "Woohoo!"
- Lisa and Homer of The Simpsons
"We must look foward to the future, or past to the back"
- Dan Quayle
"I just don't think certain people should be allowed to run for president, starting with those two (Gore and Bush)"
- Lewis Black
"Weaseling out of things is what separates us from the animals...except for the weasels"
- Homer Simpson
"It's not real English when you speak it with a foreign accent"
- Michael Kelso
"I know because I was killed once"
- Chris Titus
"Where is Bart anyway? His dinner is getting cold and eaten"
- Homer Simpson
"Oh my God, I can hear what they're thinking. I can hear what I'm thinking too. Oh wait, I can always do that"
- Norm MacDonald (thinking)
"He's dying from having lived for 98 years"
- Dan Rydell from Sports Night
"Well my finger is connected to my hand, but if I cut my hand off my finger won't fall off"
- Dan, trying (and failing) to make a point
"For every sprinkle I find, I shall kill you"
- Stewy from Family Guy
Mr. Wick: "Johnson, you're fired, for not coming in all week" Johnson: "But I was here all week!" Mr. Wick: "It's for not coming in next week, but why would you, since you're fired?"
- Johnson and Mr. Wick
Jim: "I don't think shes greed-" Mr Alford: "Hold on Jim, I don't want to cut you off..."
- Jim and Mr. Alford
Dan: "Did you just say bicycle?" Chris: "Yeah" Dan: "Well stop"
- Dan and Chris
"I would never kill somebody, unless they pissed me off"
- Eric Cartman
"Now make like my pants and split"
- The Comic Book Guy from Simpsons
"Remember that time he ate my goldfish, and you tried to convince me that I never had any goldfish? Then why did I have the bowl, Bart? Why did I have the bowl?"
- Milhouse
"I've got a riddle for you. A man loses his car which rolls down a hill at 5 miles an hour. But the man can only run 4 miles an hour. How does he catch it? He doesn't. He waits for it to smash into a lamppost because I'm an idiot"
- Drew Carey
"It'll be like an orgasm, or something, for your eyes!"
- Mr. Popo
Lisa: "Have you considered artifitial incimination?" Homer: "Yeah right, she's gonna have sex with robots"
- Homer and Lisa from the Simpsons
"I like to have sex with donkeys all the time"
- Chris (he didn't actually say this, but I could tell that he was thinking it)
"Why do they always put these stupid drain things right in the middle of the sink, anyway?"
- Jake Morgendorfer
"Ford, you're turning into a penguin. Stop it"
- Arthur Dent
"The ships hung in the sky in much the same way that bricks don't"
- Douglas Adams (in the fantastic book: "The Hitchhicher's Guide to the Galaxy")
"Believe it or not, this is the first I've ever dated a two-headed telepath"
- Dilbert
"All the people who took piano lessons just have their books sitting around collecting dust, so I think they should just give them to me"
- Peggy
"I've been suspiciously quiet..."
- Oswald Harvey, Drew Carey Show, during an accusation of sorts
"If that were a real girl scout, I'd have been bothered by now"
- Montgomery Burns
"I'm protesting this by wearing a stripe on my shirt"
- Some guy behind me in the hallway
"The plus means more sex"
- Dan
"Can you cut food through a tube after I eat you?"
- Mango (played by Chris Kattan)
"I traded my jacket for down syndrome"
- Ben
Alex: "Why is this computer unplugged?" Mr. Faya: "It doesn't have a hard drive in it." Alex: "Well, can it still get on the internet?"
- Alex and Mr. Faya
"We should develop our strategy and strategize our developments"
- Jake Morgendorfer
"How do you not fall down more often?!"
- Chandler
"Sports Night: A show about a show about sports that's not about sports"
- An announcer on a Sports Night commercial
"I think that there are less snotty noses that aren't on little kids than there are little kids without snotty noses"
- Kate
"Do you have anything more . . . not expensive?"
- George Costanza
"Canadians don't matter"
- Kitty Forman
"If dolphins are so smart, how come they're always getting stuck in those fishing nets?"
- Eric Cartman
"You know ladies and gentlemen, a long time ago , there were lots of people, but that was a long time ago"
- Dana Carvey
"...but that leaves no opinion on the ones you haven't heard about"
- Costas
"I would like to introduce my mother, whose name seems to have escaped me"
- Will Ferrell playing George W. Bush
"Duck, he has a bomb"
- Sir Cadogan (also known as Dan)
"Wherever monkey and salamander dance are buildings born"
- Proverb by a random Japanese little girl
"...And the peasants rejoiced"
- (speaker unknown)
"Did you ever wonder if there was a town named 'Sample', and on the way in, there was a sign that said 'You're in Sample'?"
- Chandler Bing
"I can't marry you, i just got PlayStation 2. Its very time consuming"
- Jimmy Falon
"This mission just got a hell of a lot more impossible"
- Tom Crooze(fake stunt-double for Tom Cruise)
"The most precious kind of sex is between two women while I watch"
- Mark Hoppus
"You can't just let nature run wild."
- Wally Hickel, former governor of Alaska
"Sure that works in theory. In theory, communism works. In theory"
- Homer Simpson
"If you're so innocent, then why won't you admit that you're not?"
- Vance DeGeneres
Joey: "You mean you didn't cry when Bambi's mother died?!" Chandler: "Yeah, it was really sad when the artist decided to stop drawing her."
- Joey and Chandler from Friends
"Interestingly enough, the cavemen did not discover plutonium, as was originally believed"
- (Speaker unknown)
"Chi-Chi, please. Less destroying of buildings and more yelling of slogans"
- Mrz. Lampshade
"When I say 'Eric, for the love of God don't', for the love of God, don't!!!"
- Donna from That 70's Show
"We aren't visiting her because she's dead"
- Kate
Hal: "See, we're not lost." Malcom: "Then where are we?" Hal: "By the fence."
- Malcom and Hal from Malcom in the Middle
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