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coords="300, 54, 409, 86" href="javascript:links()" shape=RECT> <AREA coords="133, 55, 254, 88" href="http://www.upsaid.com/schizoffbeat/guestbook.php" shape=RECT target="_blank"> </MAP> <IMG border=0 src="nav.jpg" useMap=#FPMap0 width="441" height="128"> Saturday, May 28, 2005 PICTURE UPDATE!!! http://geocities.com/schizoffbeat/040505_1240_01.jpg http://geocities.com/schizoffbeat/040505_1242_01.jpg http://geocities.com/schizoffbeat/040505_1249.jpg http://geocities.com/schizoffbeat/040505_1250.jpg http://geocities.com/schizoffbeat/060505_1440.jpg http://geocities.com/schizoffbeat/060505_1439.jpg http://geocities.com/schizoffbeat/070505_0004.jpg http://geocities.com/schizoffbeat/070505_0005.jpg http://geocities.com/schizoffbeat/070505_0006.jpg http://geocities.com/schizoffbeat/070505_0016.jpg http://geocities.com/schizoffbeat/070505_1234.jpg http://geocities.com/schizoffbeat/070505_1236_01.jpg http://geocities.com/schizoffbeat/070505_1237_02.jpg http://geocities.com/schizoffbeat/070505_1241.jpg http://geocities.com/schizoffbeat/070505_1516_02.jpg http://geocities.com/schizoffbeat/070505_1518.jpg http://geocities.com/schizoffbeat/080505_2151.jpg http://geocities.com/schizoffbeat/080505_2152_04.jpg http://geocities.com/schizoffbeat/080505_2319.jpg http://geocities.com/schizoffbeat/080505_2321.jpg http://geocities.com/schizoffbeat/090505_1522.jpg http://geocities.com/schizoffbeat/090505_1525_01.jpg http://geocities.com/schizoffbeat/090505_1528_02.jpg http://geocities.com/schizoffbeat/090505_1529_01.jpg http://geocities.com/schizoffbeat/090505_1529_02.jpg http://geocities.com/schizoffbeat/100505_0124.jpg http://geocities.com/schizoffbeat/100505_1147.jpg http://geocities.com/schizoffbeat/100505_1750_03.jpg http://geocities.com/schizoffbeat/100505_1750_04.jpg http://geocities.com/schizoffbeat/1050505_1006.jpg http://geocities.com/schizoffbeat/120505_0244.jpg http://geocities.com/schizoffbeat/120505_1601.jpg 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http://geocities.com/schizoffbeat/230505_1226_01.jpg http://geocities.com/schizoffbeat/230505_1228_02.jpg http://geocities.com/schizoffbeat/230505_1229_01.jpg http://geocities.com/schizoffbeat/230505_1230_01.jpg http://geocities.com/schizoffbeat/230505_1230_03.jpg http://geocities.com/schizoffbeat/230505_1233_01.jpg HANGGANG DITO NA LANG MUNA AT WALA PA TALAGA AKONG ORAS :)     [<a href="javascript:openGb()">holler</a>]<hr> Tuesday, March 08, 2005     BUSY! LATER. see <a href="http://geocities.com/schizoffbeat/pics8.html" target=_blank>snaps</a>?     [<a href="javascript:openGb()">holler</a>]<hr> Monday, March 07, 2005     I've been writing to Kalikasan since last week by email about my bleedin' sentiments (yada-yada. 'kailangan pa ba imemorize yan'). Anywho, he hasn't read any of it yet, neither have I mentioned it to him. He hardly accesses the Internet. Besides, he's bound to read them sooner or later; and even if he doesn't, I'd be confronting him about it eventually - once I get overwrought with him again. That's just how we are. Which makes me think. Has he made me cry more than he's made me laugh? I know he makes me happy. And sad, yes. Or maybe I'm just being silly.     The content of my letters were mostly about trust and loyalty. The two things that have been agitating my mental state and have made me lose my cool composure in front of people for the past two days. I was wreck from breakingdown in tears constantly, like every hour, and easily too, at the mere mention of his name. Can you picture the pathetic drama? Bah.     Poor Mitchelle. Had no choice but to bear my over-sappy sentimentality. I was touched when he told me that "maraming sasalo sa akin" in case things don't work out between me and Kas (read: maraming sasalo sa akin kapag iniwan ako ng mokong na 'yun).     (to be continued.)                 [<a href="javascript:openGb()">holler</a>]<hr> Wednesday, March 02, 2005     TOO BUSY TO BLOG. LATER. latest <a href="http://geocities.com/schizoffbeat/pics27.html" target=_blank>snaps</a>?     [<a href="javascript:openGb()">holler</a>]<hr> Wednesday, March 02, 2005 NOSTALGIA     Bumped into two old friends this afternoon both of whom I haven't seen for a quite a time. Wow. Though short and brief, our conversations made me nostalgic of our then naive musings and less complicated activities. When JP asked about Moe, I burst out laughing. Matagal na nga talaga kaming hindi nagkikita. "May bago na," I replied. "Ah talaga? Kelan pa kayo?" Whooops, I thought, there goes that question again. "Hindi kami eh." "Ano yun, fling?" "No naman. It's more than a fling but less than a relationship." "Ah. Basta ba huwag ka lang niya paiiyakin." I smiled. JP. I would've loved to stay and chat with him longer but we both had to classes to go to. We said our goodbye and promised to hangout soon.     The same afternoon, I bumped into Ramil, one of my former blocmates who went away to the States for a while. Actually, we already spoke over the phone at the beginning of them semester then I started getting busy then too busy still that I almost forgot about him. It was a nice surprise. I reckon we'd be going out soon to catch up more on stuff.     Hmm.. I suddenly miss my old friends. The Blueridge gang, the Fehaboys, the Downers, Livestrong, even some of my highschool classmates and friends. Maybe I should invite them over at home one of these days. Maybe if I stayed more in Manila, I'd be able to do that. Maybe I should refrain from traveling to Dagupan so frequently. Maybe I should reconsider things and weigh if what I'm doing to myself is seriously worth the tears and risk. Maybe I better shut up 'coz I've been ranting about this matter endlessly. Or maybe I should give it more time. Maybe I better end this.     [<a href="javascript:openGb()">holler</a>]<hr> Monday, February 29, 2005 THE TRUTH ABOUT LOVE     At a friend's dad's wake tonight, me and three other friends had a heartfelt talk about a, surprisingly, common family issue that up until now we, supposedly being mature enough to understand, still seem to have difficulties in accepting and dealing with such unfavorable reality.     It further aggravated me to realize that I could be in danger of experiencing practically the very same kind of betrayal. Let�s be candid about it shall we? Men. Men and their raging hormones. Men and their uncontrollable raging hormones. Men. Me. Me crying. Me crying because of sheer stupidity.     When I was younger, Mom accused Dad a lot of cheating on her. She�s whine day and night about it. She�s very jealous, temperamental, and predisposed to being violent when provoked. She cried a lot, too. I never believed her stories about my Dad�s panloloko. I was my daddy�s girl. Papa would always �save� me from Mom�s belting or whipping. I�ve hated my mom for treating me badly even before she left my father. Then sometime during seventh grade, I discovered about my dad�s young girlfriend. That was the time when the movie Titanic was at its height. Mom already had a younger Korean for a boyfriend then. Given that I�ve just mellowed down from my rebellion after finding out about my mother�s newfound relationship, I wasn�t even granted ample time to recover before being faced with another shocking discovery about my dad. Fastforward to present, mom�s had about five other relationships after Mr. Oh. As for my dad, he�s got a new one and we�re still on the verge of developing rapport, on my part, for the sake of being civil towards her. But to Lou, mom�s current and chronic mistake, I hate him more everyday.     Unlike my friends, I don�t think I have half-siblings, at least none yet that I know of. Nakakagagong isipin na sa kabila ng kabutihan at pagmamahal na ibinibigay ng isang asawa sa kanyang asawa, at kahit pa man gaano nila kamahal ang isa�t-isa, hinding-hindi ito magiging sapat upang maging tapat sila sa mga pangakong binitawan nila nang sila�y ikasal. Oo nga�t may pagmamahal na tunay. Ang tanong doon, ilan ba silang minamahal at gaano ba ito katindi upang panatilihing tapat ang isang asawa at subukin or gawing hindi masaktan ang kaniyang maybahay?     Aside from insecurities, this is one of the major reasons why I used to have fear of commitment � marriage especially.     It�s really ironic because I am in a situation where my stand is uncertain. In which I have absolutely no presumptive right to demand nor to complain primarily because our arrangement is in fact so ambiguous that sensibly, it is doubtlessly wrong.     I have foolishly confined myself to the idea of spending the rest of my life with him that I have turned a blind eye to the reality of the situation. That as long as I stay, the more that I am going to love him and the harder it will be for me to let him go. I know I am bound to get hurt even worse and will probably cry more often, yet, I don�t seem to care. But that�s just plain madness, see, because sooner or later, one of us will have to split from the other. I just pray that it be I who gains the courage to do so first.     The truth about love, no matter how great, is that more often than not, it is susceptible to infidelity.     [<a href="javascript:openGb()">holler</a>]<hr> Saturday, February 26, 2005 PASSION WITH A CAPITAL P     As usual, Papa took forever cleaning his car. Was anxious about the time 'coz Kas was supposed to come over after he leaves but then the fellow unexpectedly, nevertheless a pleasant surprise, showed up at home without so much of a forewarning. Scantily draped with a towel and still dripping from the bath, I was supposed to hang my underwear outside. As I came out of the room fresh from the showers, I was startled to see him sitting in the livingroom with my siblings. So much that I blurted out a flabbergasted "OMG". I mean, I wasn't embarrassed to be seen by him in such a state but, you know, he didn't inform me that he was coming early. Plus the fact that he came even though my dad was still there. The dude asked even permission to go up. Aww, cute. Anyway, we kicked off burning CDs after eating. We originally agreed to do the task over at his place but as he was already there, and since my dad was so dallying, we might as well start.     Suddenly, he said he had to leave. I was like, "okay. go ahead." Then he hinted for me to walk him to his bike, which I complied to without enthusiasm. He noticed this, of course. I don't remember anymore why I turned sour. It must've been either jealousy or that I just missed him. Anywho, he didn't leave until I lightened up a bit. Told me to get ready 'coz he'd be coming back to pick me up.     Went back to burning CDs upon arriving his apartment. We also watched a couple music videos, church videos, and a slideshow (with personal commentaries) of his mission area. Prior to that, he kissed me with surprisingly odd passion. It made me feel a sense of hunger in the pit of my stomach. Although pleased, nanibago ako sa kanya.     [<a href="javascript:openGb()">holler</a>]<hr> Friday, February 25, 2005 ASUS     Arrived Dagupan about 3AM. Went to market with Kuya Ben in the morning. I hardly rested. Come late afternoon, I had to rush to the grocery to purchase a couple more stuff. Kakailang the way some of the employees eyed and ogled over me like a bunch of kids awaiting a parade of Disney characters (lol. exagged). They were embarrassing me. I was so relieved when Kas arrived 'coz they finally laid off my back. He even brought me home, even if Dad was there, and even went up. :) I'm just happy. Although he had to leave, he (sort of) promised to come back that night.     Sought Tita's help in preparing the rest of the food. I was just too tired to bother myself about it. Buti na lang she bought Brazo de Mercedes as I've requested. Kas and Allan arrived at the same time Lola and my other relatives did. Wasn't able to introduce them properly. Since our small apartment was already full, they settled themselves on the roofdeck. Kwentuhan ever.     Lola Dining mentioned that I've gained weight since December. Hay naku. Later still, Kas and Allan went down with me to put away the dishes. After they've left, my Uncle inquired, "Yun ba Shine? Yun ba ang boyfriend mo? Hindi mo man lang pinakilala sa'min." "Ngeee. Hindi po. Friends ko po yun from Church. Bestfriend ko yung isa," I explained. I doubt if they bought it.     [<a href="javascript:openGb()">holler</a>]<hr> Thursday, February 24, 2005 BAWLING FROM STRESS     Peter helped me out yesterday in making a letter of intent for my OJT. I'm very grateful to him for making time for me despite his erratic schedule. Actually, he didn't just help me in writing the letter, he practically wrote and printed the whole thing all by himself. The only thing left for me to do was to pass it to the Dean's office for signing. I was told to go back for it today, which I did, four times in fact, and with much anticipation. Wanna hear how it went? Having been dismissed an hour and a half early by Mr. Candido, I immediately rushed up the office to follow-up on my letter. I was anxious to get it as I am scheduled to leave for Dagupan in the evening with plans to submit the letter with Kas to ABSCBN tomorrow. So aside from going there for Starlite's birthday, I had another legitimate reason for going home this weekend. So I went, right? They told me the dean wasn't in yet. Downcast, I had no choice but to wait. Checked again after noon. Then again. Then again. Until I decided to speak with someone about the damn letter. Well! Turns out that my letter's been misplaced and that I would have to make another one. That was around 5. I was infuriated and worried, especially because I didn't have a copy of the letter Peter made, which means I'd have to start from scratch. I sped to a computer shop and scrambled to compose another letter. As soon as the attendant handed me the paper, I ran towards the office as fast as my feet allowed me, only to be informed by the same lady that my I got the letter all wrong because there was standard format supposedly provided by the faculty and which has been already distributed to all classes.     I was tired. I was piqued. I was in despair. I brokedown in an uncontrollable sobbing right in front of the lady. I went around the building all wrecked in tears looking for someone who may have a copy of the friggin format but I found none. I only calmed down an hour later. After Lit class, I hurriedly rode to SM West where I hoped to catch a bus. Stood there waiting and breathing in all the pollution in the world for two hours but I never got to hail any that passed by because of the traffic pandemonium caused by the countless Monumento and Novaliches bound minibuses. Trying hard to keep myself from whimpering once more, I grappled my bulky duffel, and silently approximated the meager money I have left. Physically and mentally worn-out, I resigned to the idea of spending money on a cab to get to a bus station where I could at least take a seat while I wait for the next trip to my destination. Aboard the bus, extremely frustrated and spent, I brokedown again as I beseeched my dad to pick me up at the station when I arrive.     So there. Nagpatongpatong ang mental, physical, and emotional stress that I could only cry in frustration.     I had asked our class president repeatedly for the damn OJT requirements but he keeps "forgetting" about it. Hindi naman ako nagkulang kung tutuusin. Pabaya lang talaga at walang paki yung mga napagtatanungan at nahihingan ko ng tulong.     [<a href="javascript:openGb()">holler</a>]<hr> Sunday, February 20, 2005 TALK ABOUT HASSLE     Had Mafe and Ice, two of my 3CA5 classmates in Retorika, over last night supposedly to work on our Filipino paper. Since it turns out that both our portable VCD players, which are the only ones we use here in Manila, were missing, lots of time were wasted fiddling with my mom's malfunctioning laptop just so we could watch the VCD. Come midnight, I began to slipoff from them, I was just too tired to think. It wasn't fair to them as I haven't contributed anything yet, just like in my Adver group, but if there's one thing I cannot combat, it's drowsiness. Hence, we weren't able to accomplish anything. The rest of the morning was even more disastrous. My 9AM meeting was moved to 11:30 and was moved later still until I got pissed and informed my Adver groupmates that I've gotten tired of waiting for them. I could've attended service instead if only they had been clear in telling me the real time they wanted to meet up. The afternoon's been wasted as well 'coz all the computers I lay a finger on seem to be working against me. It wasn't until midnight today that I was finally able to send through email the stupid logos I made. What a day.     [<a href="javascript:openGb()">holler</a>]<hr> Saturday, February 19, 2005 FURY     I swear to * I <s>could</s> would strangle my sister till she chokes to death the moment I see her. The nerve of that girl. Didn't even warn me that she wasn't planning on coming home tonight after having borrowed my phone this afternoon. I really don't give a fig whether she comes home or not, just my phone primarily because I'm on the verge of failing a major subject (among other courses at that) which I am very much trying to make-up for by coordinating with my groupmates through SMS. And just how in the world would I be able to do that if I do not have my phone, much less their damn numbers! Dba?!?     I'm really straining myself in negotiating for appeal since they don't mind kicking me out of the group for consistent absence and lack of contribution. Before I could stop myself, I was shaking in tears of anger with my jaw and fists clenched tightly as if ready to pound on a bear at the snap of a finger. There was no way she could've eschewed my bombardment of what must've been fifty interminable cuss words in text for her twisted audacity. She better be scared 'coz daym, she is deserves bloody punitive measures for her affronting brazenness. My eyes are sore from having rubbed them roughly in seething anger. Imagine making it all the way to Cainta when in fact she has a closer home right here along Shaw boulevard where she could sleep more conveniently at a more accessible distance. Argh! It riles me!     Add the hassle of having no means to text since I can't afford to spend load for my Sun to save for academic expenses. Plus there was nobody else home from whom I could borrow a phone to contact any of my groups. On the other hand, my friends who happen to be home and within reach via landline are creditless as well, while the rest are still out. Sino ba namang hindi mababaliw nyan. I was practically immobilized!     Sigh. It's 1:40AM in my clock and thank heaven I've calmed down. I was so ready to kill a while back.     (evening) Hay naku! Just when I thought things are okay again having gotten back my phone, I discover that the <a href="http://geocities.com/schizoffbeat/image073.jpg" target=_blank>snap</a> I treasure most had been deleted! Couldn't help but rant in asar. I immediately knew that someone else, I'm betting my sister's friends, has gotten a hold of my phone and while browsing through the images had carelessly erased one (or more, I haven't noticed yet) precious memory. Pastilan! Hindi naman ako madamot na tao pero respeto naman sa paggamit ng hindi iyo. Hay naku!     [<a href="javascript:openGb()">holler</a>]<hr> Wednesday, February 16, 2005 "IT'S A GOOD ADVICE THAT YOU JUST DIDN'T TAKE"     What moves me to tears most of the time is knowing that I will never be enough for him; that despite my unbounded effort, forbearance, and sometimes foolish empathy and even tolerance, it is a remote possibility for him to be contented with just me; that he always will be on the prowl for somebody else, simply because it isn't like him to stick to just one.     Doesn't that just suck?     I want him to want only me. I didn't give up on him easily in hopes that I could be the one to change his frame of mind. Even I myself am bewildered as to how I have gotten so involved and yes, in love. Am I or could it be that the mere idea of ecstasy in loving him is the only factor that keeps me holding on?     The constancy of being with each other has elicited us both to reconsider some aspects in our lives. We're at the edge of losing all inhibitions in strengthening the special bond that we share and has abruptly developed over a short period of time.     The sad irony of this beautiful pseudo-relationship. Mayhap that is exactly what keeps the spark between us - the lack of a formal commitment.     [<a href="javascript:openGb()">holler</a>]<hr> Wednesday, February 16, 2005 WHO EVER SAID THAT SOME THINGS ARE BETTER LEFT UNSAID     One day short of an entire week in each other's company. Morning and night, literally, constituting a minimum of ten hours daily. I haven't kept track of our activities, which is in no way can be attributed to memory lapse or any of the sort as most of the time, we're basically confined to doing only three things: idle talking followed by the game we've been trying to perfect (for months now) and afterwards yielding to the arms of Morpheus (out of sheer exhaustion). We normally average two sets of play within the four to six hours fraction of our time dallying with each other everyday. Each round usually requires an interval of about two to three hours. Poor guy. He's kawawa lagi sa akin. My vigor is simply unbeatable.     I had to cut my Retorika class last Thursday because Ate Doneza asked me to be at the Temple before 8AM. Since I was nakisuyo lang for a ride with them to Dagupan, I assumed it to be the departure time. It turned out to be the nuptials inception. Nonetheless, I wasn't able to witness the actual marriage ceremony due to the lack of a temple recommend. Which brings me to the fact that I'll probably never be able to obtain one considering how unworthy I am, and4 most likely will always be until the day I die, which is the expiration of a lifetime chance given me supposedly to redeem myself so as to be deserving of Christ's salvation. Oh well.     Moving on, although I am flattered to be one of the few to be at the wedding, I still can't figure out how the bride <s>persistently</s> constantly persuaded my prompt presence that day having been introduced to each other just this previous November. Or maybe nagfi-feeling lang ako. Either way, the best plausible reason is that I'm friends with Kas, who is by all means my one and only principal link with the couple, who initially are his barkada. In any case, both events, becoming their friend and being there has made me happy especially as the day consummated. But I'm going ahead of myself.     In the middle waiting outside for Ate Doneza and Kuya Royce to come out, Kuya Carl dragged off Ditchie somewhere only heaven knows where leaving me all alone with the bride's atheist uncle. Oh it was terrible. Kidding aside, the not so quite old man had somewhat sensible insight with regard to the ridiculously many religions in the world despite believing in the same Jesus Christ. And that's only one of the many points he raised. I could only cower in mortification for lacking the necessary gospel knowledge to contest his claims. Before long the couple emerged to have pictures of themselves taken around the Temple then everyone hurriedly packed up to get to the reception back in the province on time. Traveling seemed to take forever partly because of the heat, the lunch stopover in Pampanga, and the traffic inefficiency caused by the newly opened toll gates. I still can't get over the unbelievably mind racking increase in the toll rates. It practically tripled! What a rip off.     Luckily, I had just enough time to make myself pretty for the event despite hitting town behind schedule. Admittedly, I tarried a bit at home 'coz I wanted Kas to pick me up. I felt dyahe naman to commute to the chapel all dolled up. Well, I was left with no choice but to do so. I guess I should be at least thankful that he remembered to call up and check on me, else I would've made a really unfashionable entrance at the reception. Told me to go ahead of him for he was running late.     The earlier part of the night was so labo. When I followed up his delay in coming, he said he's lost his mood 'coz his brother had pissed him off. Livid with disgruntlement, I left the party to go to his house to try and convince him to come. Only to find out upon getting there that he had apparently changed his mind and decided to drop in the party. I not only wasted time in going there which took two rides, nausukan pa ako. Hay naku. Me and my bright ideas. I can't blame him, naturally. Anywho, by the time I got back to the function, half the guests have already left. I was surprised at how early the dinner had ended. Kas and I didn't mind muna each other. He had to volunteer to do favors in shipping back and forth relative-guests, equipment, etc. He paired off nicely his outfit, by the way. Hay naku that guy.     Forgive the extensive play by play. I just want to keep record of some particulars that happened. Soon, it was our turn to go home but instead of taking me on his bike, Kas told me to ride first in the CRV with the newlyweds since we were going to convoy pa somewhere to get the couple's belongings and at the same time, leave his bike there as he was going to have to take over the wheel to transport his friends to their honeymoon suite. At first, the seating arrangment was both guys up front and girls in the rear. After dropping off their luggage in the room, the other three suddenly felt starved from all the hullaballoo earlier. Cruised around a bit looking for a seafood restaurant. With not much luck, we had to make do with the only one we found open at that hour that served fish. 'Twas getting awfully late so Kas told them to just take-out the order and not worry about us anymore as we could always eat at home. Delivering the couple for the last time, and dropping me off as well, he only had one task left to do - reclaim his bike after returning the CRV and come home to me. Nyahaha. "Ba't ba atat ka masyado ihatid sila?" "Syempre. Excited na rin ako." ;p     Friday morning, we had breakfast before he left. He dropped by later that afternoon to inform me that he might come by pretty late because his band was jamming at his place. Told him I'd rather go his place than wait. Too bad I wasn't "allowed" to watch them practice as it would likely make his bandmates feel dyahe. It was bad enough that I insisted to come over intruding their supposed boys night. Nonetheless, it sufficed me to listen to them play from the room. Music to my ears, literally. Steg. I'm looking forward to seeing their relaunching. Oh and before I forget, Kas rearranged his room. It still the same simple but lovely ambiance.     Saturday we just hung idly at home listening to Dad's jazz albums. My siblings were supposed to go out with Tita pero natapos na lang ang araw saka nila nalamang hindi tuloy. In the end, it was Kas who announced taking off. Not wanting him to leave so soon, I suddenly fell silent (again) to hush up my disgruntlement. He left uttering "ambot". Before going into my tampo mode, I mistakenly assumed that he wasn't going to return anymore. I was already nagiinarte when he said he would. An hour after he left, I sent an apology through SMS and beseeched him to come back. Nyahaha. And he did. Thankfully. Earlier than expected actually. Kawawa the guy. He looked so pooped. We hung out a bit at the roofdeck after eating then I let him sleep peacefully on the sofa.     He left before sunrise the following Sunday morning. Didn't come back till almost 6 that night. I was teething in annoyance from waiting. Turned sour from impatience when at last he decided to pop in. I habitually fall silent whenever something upsets me. However on that particular occasion, I felt constrained to recondition my bitter demeanor, otherwise he refused to stay and enter the house with me. I really appreciate how well he maintains temperance and good humor in dealing with me everytime I act up so immaturely. I don't know how he does that. He cools me down (or lightens me up) like nobody else can. I guess this is one the reasons I grew to love him.. more? Waha. Or maybe I'm merely being prejudiced.     Anywho, we frolicked senselessly but happily on the roofdeck subsequently. I wish there was a way to preserve that particular hour for future re-viewing. We danced, we laughed, we kidded around, we lifted each other literally, it was so much fun. Then we played more afterwards. The magic word: "The Xxxx". He needed to leave after dinner because Dad was supposed to come home that night. He got back in the country from Melbourne the day before but stayed in a hotel instead of traveling home directly.     Valentine's day was awful. We were supposed to go for a stroll by the beach but everything got ruined by a miscommunication or lack of it. It's a long story but here we go. I told for him to come by around two in the afternoon 'coz then I thought Dad would have already off to work. Guess what. He never left. I restrained myself from texting Kas 'coz I was afraid na makulitan siya sa'kin. As it turns out, he had been driving by back and forth, however, seeing as the coast isn't clear yet (read: Dad), he didn't bother going up since I allegedly told him some time back that my dad wasn't supposed to see him after what happened that night. He would never have gone up had I not told him not to come anymore. That was the only time he risked being seen but only to drop off the CDs we were supposed to re-burn. Running after him to ask what in the world took him so long, I discovered that he was out of load, and that he had in fact been driving to and fro my place under the scorching heat the entire afternoon in hopes to bypass my father. Nobody was to blame though. It wasn't my fault if I had neglected to tell him that Dad wasn't leaving after all since I didn't know that his presence would totally prevent him from going to the apartment. He looked so haggard and mad, nonetheless he tried to keep his temper under control. I was extremely apologetic yet no amount of tears nor sorry ameliorated his irritation for not having accomplished anything due to our spoiled plans and his wrecked schedule. My myriad pleas were all in vain as he remained cross and awfully masungit. I beseeched him to march past his inconsolable vexation so that we might make-up instead for lost time rather than senselessly fussing over the mix-up but I think the fellow was actually enjoying being perplexingly adamant. When Starlite turned up to say that we were leaving, Kas left in haste leaving our misunderstanding unresolved. Running after him and stopping in my tracks knowing that the situation was hopeless at that moment, I had to quickly recompose myself and regain a better countenance to avoid suspicion from Dad. Although he did say with emphasis before revving his motor for me to call him after we've done our groceries, the possibility of making up that night was faint.     Fast forward two hours later, as soon as my dad's car zoomed off sight after dropping me off at the station supposedly to return to Manila, I hurriedly escaped and commuted to his house. The world was sullen when I got there. Even though he had calmed down, he didn't speak much for the first half hour until I decided to just pushthrough with my trip seeing as he wasn't about to cease being difficult and at least start showing more cordiality towards me. I thought maybe he would be better off alone sulking in displeasure rather than having my presence add up to his aggravation. As I got up to recollect my stuff, he followed and vehemently forbade me to leave saying, "No. No! Hindi ka aalis. Dito ka lang. At nang maramdaman mo kung paano ako pag mainit ang ulo," or something like that. Neither speaking nor meeting his gaze, I hunkered at the edge of the bed subdued. I cannot anymore explain how he attempted to console me as he mellowed down just so I wouldn't go away, all I can say is that whatever hard feelings the rift between us earlier had evoked, went drown the drain the moment he cradled me in his arms whispering, "Don't leave me, okay.. You're all I have right now.."     I could've joined him in crying, however, I've already exhausted my tears from sobbing too hard that afternoon. Yet if hearts really do melt, in just a matter of seconds he would have already soaked wet with mine. Not only that, the entire place would have reeked astonishingly of my unaccountable joy. :)     Arousing a couple hours later, we plunged into a belated Valentine's fun and frolic, which in fact, extended until the following day. Hence, making me miss two more days of school on my own volition and without telling him.     "Belated happy Valentine's," he droned at two o'clock in the morning of Tuesday. Chalked up three in the next four hours. We took our breakfast at a carinderia we found by chance in Calasiao and luckily, Kas delighted in the way the food was cooked, which in all fairness was sulit as it was masarap.     Back in Caranglaan, for lack of anything better to do, we experimented with spraymint. That was around nine o'clock that morning. What a stupid thing to do. And we both had to discover in torment. Heck did it burn. We could only grind our teeth and laugh at each other's faces as we let the darting pain subside. (to be continued..) see <a href="http://geocities.com/schizoffbeat/picswhoeversaid.html" target=_blank>photos</a>     [<a href="javascript:openGb()">holler</a>]<hr> Monday, February 07, 2005 BLISSFUL MOMENTS     The past few days had been truly wonderful. And the last eighteen hours prior to the time I boarded the bus back to Manila was .. uhm.. (I'm actually at a loss for words).. more than beautiful. Sigh. I don't understand how being with him could make me so happy. (My gosh, I'm actually teary-eyed at the moment)     It's 4:30 in the afternoon and I just got off my Literaure test, which I doubtlessly failed, and I can't seem to care any less.     My plan to catch a right-after-lunch trip to Dagupan last Thursday had been put off by a couple last minute academic cramming (then leaving my sister to do the rest). This obviously proceeded several hours' delay of my arrival. Wherefore, I had no right to blame Likas if he got weary waiting for me - he did prompt his return to Dagupan from Dasol earlier than necessary for me, or so he says. -> Stay na lang muna there so you could rest more. Why are you in such a hurry to return anyway? Maybe I wanted to see you kaya nagmamadali ako. Sender: Likas M Sent: 3-Feb-2005 14:51 -> You don't have to rush your trip back for my sake. You're under no obligation to do so. Baka magkasakit ka pa especially now that you're not getting enough nutrition. Take care     I really need not say any more as you've probably heard it a hundred times for the past three months, nonetheless, I'll go right ahead with it. I had been very anxious to leave Manila so that I may see him already. Had it not been for our supposed Filipino graded recitation and Literature examination, which by the way were both cancelled, I would've taken the last trip Wednesday night.     I was hoping he'd pick me up from the station but like I said, the dude must've gotten impatient and burned out of waiting. Getting off the Boquig avenue, despite the hassle of carrying my bulky tote bag, instead of riding I decided to walk and give vent to the crisp night air my sentiments at that moment. Ignoring the number of tambay and drunkards I passed by on the street, I walked in silence boggled by abounding disoriented thoughts running on my mind. A few minutes after reaching home, the tears finally streamed forth continuously. I honestly didn't mind being physically drained as long as he'd come. So when he texted for me to rest rather than be stressed worse by his coming over, the remainder of my energy, which in particular was merely stimulated by the thought of seeing him, vaporized. I guess that's what made me cry, being too tired to get mad at him. Restless yet still cross, I couldn't hold myself back from reproving him. -> Sana lang you told me earlier para hindi ko pinilit na makauwi tonight. ("May gagawin lang ako. If you wish, I could be there by 11") Sender: KalikaSUN -> Don't bother. It's just that I like my days planned out 'coz that's how I psyche myself, accordingly. I'll see you whenever ("Sige. Sa'yo ako bukas from 1-4:30pm") Sender: KalikaSUN -> ("No na. Just do whatever you have to do.") ("Huwag ka na magalit. Actually, I haven't eaten anything yet 'coz you said we were eating together. May food pa ba diyan?") Sender: KalikaSUN -> That was the initial plan. Tapos bigla mong sasabihin magpahinga ako. If I wanted to rest, I wouldn't have bothered going here or making plans with you * quotations are based from my own recollection of the conversation and not the actual text     Needless to say, I'm glad I did what I did.     [<a href="javascript:openGb()">holler</a>]<hr> Thursday, February 03, 2005 VIRTUALLY JADED     Took a hot tub bath last night in my dad's hotel room in Century Park Sheraton. The hour-long relaxation with my whole body submerged in water like that is mmmmm - simply wonderful. Almost didn't go to class this morning 'coz I wanted to immerse myself again. My father's leaving for Australia tomorrow and will proceed to Switzerland some time next week. Said he's going to bring back a kangaroo for each of us. Don't really know what to ask for. Maybe that the Lord bless his trip to and fro.     I'm traveling to the province this afternoon. Sigh. The plans are still malabo. I do want to see him, of course, but if he has other business to attend to, and it's that imperative then I might as well resign myself to spending time with my siblings. Guess that'll give me the opportunity to study. Though, I got a little bit asar with him yesterday and last night, so I didn't bother replying to his texts. Then for some reason, at around three o'clock this morning, I stirred and sakto, he texted. Must be some sort of ESP. Lol. This is the second or third time something like this happened, I think. Bah. Anyway, I was too pissed (but not pissed pissed) to be sweet whatsoever. When shortly he called, I answered for the sake of finding out what he's calling for.     Had a short chitchat with Enna before class started. Floating (or pseudo) relationships are the pits. I'm not saying that I'm tired of him or that I'm all out ready to give up. Sigh. I don't know anymore. Bottomline: I don't know where I stand and most of the time, I'm not sure if I ought to press on when there's <s>someone else out there</s> .. never mind. I'm not thinking right at the moment.     [<a href="javascript:openGb()">holler</a>]<hr> Wednesday, February 02, 2005 PEEVE     It's utterly biting to hear of his (past?) hanky-pankies. Even though I try to act as coolly as I can manage, doesn't follow that I'm all right about it. But of course he doesn't know that I actually feel this way. Reality check: we're friends (insert: just). Am I being overly-sensitive or is he simply so insensitive?     My agenda for next week's suddenly turned topsy-turvy. This is the second time he's cancelled his trip to Manila due to the complications of his probation. His reasons are justified and although I'm not demanding, (how) I wish he'd make the effort and sacrifice, even just for once, to come see me. Oh what am I saying! He's got no reason whatsoever to do that for me. Sigh.     Moving on, as I was heading for the library earlier, I suddenly muttered a bit too loud, "Ang labo talaga ng taong yun. Bigla na lang nagiging indifferent." Then I noticed the guy walking towards me, vis-a-vis the opposite direction, glaring at me strangely. Yate. I realized that I was talking to myself.     Waittaminit. I just remembered. He already did come for me once. But that was before "things" between us even materialized. Should that count? What about me, compared to the number of times I've traveled almost weekly.. then again, he does appropriate most of his time for me whenever I'm in town. Ay ginoo.     [<a href="javascript:openGb()">holler</a>]<hr> Tuesday, February 01, 2005 A DAUGHTER'S UNBECOMING     Until last night, I haven't spoken a single word to my Dad since I left the house two Saturdays ago. San ka na Shine? Hindi ka man lang nagpaalam sa papa. Sender: Dad Sent: 22-Jan-2005 18:17 That's okay and understandable if you don't want to reply. Just don't take my being strict against me coz I feel you're being defocused due to your "activities". I work hard to get you to school as comfortably as I can manage. Our deal is: you can do what you want when you've already graduated, when you're already equipped to live independently. But as long as you're still dependent on me, I have the right to tell you what and what not to do. You're intelligent enough to understand that... Take care. Sender: Dad Sent: 22-Jan-2005 18:45     Felt guilty of course but I disregarded it immediately. Oo na, masama na ako. Anywho, so Papa texted for us to meet him at PICC last night to get our allowance. When we got there, I was surprised to see him all dressed up in a suit and tie. Didn't expect their affair to be so formal. Asteg. We rarely see our Dad in such an attire. I'm glad to note that the colors he chose to wear actually matched his skin color. I hated the metallic blue polo he had on last year. Lol. Asteg.     [<a href="javascript:openGb()">holler</a>]<hr> Monday, January 31, 2005 RAINCHECK     That was his twice too many vehicular accident in less than five weeks. =/ Thank heaven he only had minor injuries yesterday and that it was the bike that absorbed most of the damages. That fellow. Tsk. =/     On a lighter note, Jim's finally spoke to me about his intentions of asking me to the MIR-sponsored Soiree Ball on the eleventh. My sister's been telling me about it for weeks now. I'm not saying that I'm actually looking forward to it but if he was going to, then I needed to tell him off before it's too late. I would have loved to take on his invitation but I've already made prior plans. Firstly, I'm going home to Dagupan on the tenth for Kuya Royce and Ate Doneza's wedding. Secondly, I'm probably spending that weekend with Kas, even though we've already planned to see each other this week. Thirdly, uh.. there are other opportunities in which he can take me dancing aside from that particular Soiree Ball. He's free to ask me on a date any time as long as I'm not doing anything on that day.     [<a href="javascript:openGb()">holler</a>]<hr> Sunday, January 30, 2005 MADNESS     I'm glad to note the happier tone in my Kas' voice tonight as compared to how sullen he sounded the previous time I called him up.     Say, whereas before he'd find means to send me a message once a day, or at least reply to my text, now the ball game seem to have reversed its rules. Not that I'm complaining as neither of us is really expected nor obligated to do treat the other with such endearment, only that it makes me wonder whether I'm being too clingy or worse, if his feelings has lessened, if not already gone, and here I am clearly oblivious to the real deal.     Sigh. I simply want to check once in a while (Fine! Everyday!) how he's doing and coping with his present situation. And also to let him know that I'm still around to care and ready to give what I can should the time come that he'll need it.     Maybe I think too much. Though honestly, I'd rather have him smack me right in the face than be left cluelessly looking like an idiot who all these time felt so otherwise certain about the "score" between us. That's not asking too much, is it? CLEAN FUN + A SANDWICH     Spent the entire night playing British Monopoly with my girl friends. Been losing since the middle of the game and 'twas hard not to show my disgruntlement as they kept bribing me endlessly for my properties. I think I drove them nuts with my pride 'coz I'd rather mortgage all that I had than yield to their bargain. In the end, I had to declare myself bankrupt as I've lost totally my money. Lol. It's the kind of game that invokes the greedy side of a person. The frustration was damning. I wanted to set on fire the stupid boardgame (nyahaha. bitter. of course I'm kidding) starting the time my debts began accumulating. Pride got me nowehere. Nyahaha. At 6AM, only Bea was left standing. All the same, Hyan and I needed to go home already. To say that in spite of lack of sleep, I managed to walk back home. My own choice. Of course I arrived home with a new set of blisters prickling my toes as I forced myself to at least reach the bed. I don't understand how I could not have broken a sweat despite having walked the same distance a few hours earlier.The pits!     THE sandwich we made around two in the morning was the best ever, though I almsot wish I hadn't let my gluttony take over my determination to lose the ten pounds I have gained back this month. =/     [<a href="javascript:openGb()">holler</a>]<hr> Friday, January 28, 2005 OH GEEZ     <a href="http://blueminded.blogspot.com/" target=_blank>Hyan</a> and <a href="http://raberdaki.blogspot.com/" target=_blank>Bea</a> bantered with me the entire night. Nothing serious though. Just the usual. I was fuming all sorts of delusion about Kas when (I thought) he kept rejecting my calls and wouldn't bother replying to any of my texts. Well! When I finally got a hold of him on the phone (22:34) before midnight, turns out that he was on the road and the number I used wasn't registered on his phone, therefore not included on the accept list. Siyempre, mukha nanaman akong engot. He often activates his call barring to avoid certain calls, as if he's a big shot celebrity who's constantly in-demand. I sometimes wonder how he used to fit me in his (busy?) schedule, then I remember.. =)     Thirty minutes worth of voice airtime. (slight grimace) Barely a week since my cut-off and still owing twice my supposed limit on the previous month's bill. Intense! No regrets though. Not yet anyway.     He's all glum again. I miss him. I'm not sure if it's the same with him. See, this is what's vexing about our pseudo-relationship. To determine where I stand (in his life) is obscured especially by his sometimes insouciance and apparent reservations. He's often irritatingly laid back, which in turns makes me hold back myself 'coz I don't have an ounce of assurance whether he'll stay long enough to catch me should the time come that I completely let loose all of my defenses and foolishly succumb to my feelings, leaving nothing for myself. Sino pa nga bang kawawa kundi ako. SCRABBLE     I won! Hehe. Against Hyan and Bea. After stuffing ourselves in CLub Filipino talking about real life problems like pre-marital stuff, which we're all against, ideally that is, we hung around Bea's. While the two tried to figure out how to play the new game Bea's intalled in her computer, I busied myself with an exercise machine while flipping the pages of Cosmo. Initially, I planned to walk back home but my friends wouldn't let me so I took the stairs all the way up to our unit on the 22nd floor. By the time I reached the front door, I was grasping for air and had difficulties breathing. Plus my knees were all wobbly and my legs numb. Had to hold on to the walls, tables, and chairs for support as I went to get myself a drink. It makes me happy to have the house all to myself tonight.     [<a href="javascript:openGb()">holler</a>]<hr> Wednesday, January 26, 2005 AVERSION     I HATE MY MOM. SHE NEVER KEEPS HER WORD ABOUT DANTE. I HATE HER. AND THE GUY NAMAN, ANG TIGAS NG MUKHA, SOBRA. WORDS ARE NO LONGER ENOUGH TO GIVE AN ACCOUNT OF MY CHRONIC FURY TOWARDS HIM. HRRRRRRR!!!     [<a href="javascript:openGb()">holler</a>]<hr> Tuesday, January 25, 2005 HATE     A very UN-happy birthday mother. You deserve worse. PREGNANCY OUT OF WEDLOCK     (Jan 24) Not that I'm anticipating for such thing to befall me but what if, we never know. At the very least, I can say that I have already given the possible circumstances some amount of consideration. Anywho, if it should happen, I definitely have to go in hiding. I'm more than certain that neither of my parents would condole with me, less offer support. They'll probably even disown me, if not send me out of the house. I might as well go away out of my own volition. Of course that would mean I'd have to start from scratch as I admittedly do not have savings of any sort. Or if ever I did have some, it would be of an insignificant value, hardly enough to pay for my dwelling and food through an entire week, I bet. The cost of living these days, even in the rural areas, is just not how it used to be fifteen years ago. It'll be awfully hard to live on my own, having not a single cent to my name. I'd imaginably get employment as a household help or a waitress in some cheap bar - a mere wage-earner since I cannot qualify for higher ranking jobs for lack of a college degree. Then once my belly starts bulging conscpicously, that would undoubtedly arouse further disapproval or discrimination for a young and obviously unmarried mother like me.     Abortion is out of the question. It's more than enough that I've broken the Law of Chastity, but to not take responsibility by killing my baby is worse than murder. But if I kill myself along with the baby, that's another story.     Segue: I dislike contraceptives of any sort. It's just a personal preference. See, using those stuff will make love-making seem like mere sex. I think love-making is beautiful, a union between two people who want to join as one body, to feel each other, to be the other, if not for eternity, at least for that stretch of time. Using contraceptives will reduce its essence. For me, it makes sexual intercourse appear like a toilet bow job, wherein one has to use "protection: from unwanted germs or whatever. Then again, that's just me.     So where was I? Anyway, I love my Dad. I don't like going behind his back but I am left with no choice. I'm constrained to go against his will and take my chances by following this foolish heart of mine. I'm fully aware that there's no going back if things got out of hand, that there will only be regret, be that as it may, I'm risking it. Because as far as I'm concerned, I'm happy. And if this slips through my grasp just because I exercised reason above the dictates of my heart, who knows what further damage that could do to me.     However, this frame of mind should not impress the extent of my vulnerability. Don't worry, I haven't reached that point yet.     [<a href="javascript:openGb()">holler</a>]<hr> Monday, January 24, 2005 MALAS     5AM. Humirit pa before we left to get my things at home. Followed by another what's supposed to be the last before he dropped me off the station. We must've tallied four or five within nineteen hours.     As I was browsing the images on my phone, I was horrified to see a black mist overhead on the Bamban snap of Kas and June, which I could've sworn wasn't there before. It freaked me 'coz such thing could most likely be an omen. Anywho, I told him about it and advised him to take extra precaution from then on. He's such a careless twit pa naman.     I arrived to find the halimaw at home. Had you been my mother, you would've condemned my ill-behavior, slamming real hard every door in the house and everything I lay a finger on. Yeah well, the same goes for me. Mom and I had a very clear agreement. We would transfer provided that she wouldn't bring home anymore that freak-of-a-monster. This isn't the first time she's made him come over, worse, spend the night! It's all out war from now. She never keeps her word. She knows how much we hate that guy. I don't give a cent as to how disrespectful I am being, she doesn't deserve an ounce of it anyhow.     [<a href="javascript:openGb()">holler</a>]<hr> Sunday, January 23, 2005 FINALE     Was eager to go home so that I could take a bath already. Scantily laving myself was hardly satisfying as I could practically feel and smell, too, the mound of dirt that our exposed parts of the body have accrued all through out yesterday's several towns' crossing. Dyahe naman daw na makiligo seeing that we were merely guests. Since it's Sabbath day, Kas and I wanted to catch at least the Sacrament service in any ward on the way back.     First stop, Mabiga Ward, Mabalacat, Pampanga. No luck here. We just missed the Sacrament. Next stop, Santa Ignacia, Tarlac. The concluding speaker was just about wrapping up his speech. We didn't anymore try to catch up, it would be useless anyway as there were only, what, three to five minutes left. We headed for the restroom to wash-up instead. By the time I finished recomposing myself, people were rushing in the banyo and out of the Sacrament hall. My friends were standing by the entrance waiting for a miracle. I say a miracle 'coz it seemed apparent that none of the members in the place knew how to "fellowship". Totally annoyed at the people's appalling attitude, Kas deliberately revved his engine noisily (harurot baga) to spite them. June and I just chased behind laughing. We took a twenty minute break at the next gas station. Fortunately, Kas had calmed down having vent his anger in the speed he trekked. On a happier note, he finally reclaimed me to ride with him the rest of the way back home. see <a href="http://geocities.com/schizoffbeat/picsfinale.html" target="_blank">photos</a>? "THAT WAS THE BEST"     I don't know where he gets his energy or strength but once he's at it, there's just no resisting what's to follow. Had a late lunch and boy, was he hungry. Was even hungrier afterwards. At length, exhaustion took its toll on us and we dozed off in no time. When I roused he was already dressed up and was supposedly ready to leave and meet President at the chapel but for some reason, changed his mind.     I was feeling sore and stayed in bed. I failed to mention that I have lied once again to my family and had them thinking that I had already left for Manila yesterday afternoon. I couldn't very well admit to Dad where and who I was with yesterday and why I failed to go home. He's already as enraged and leery, what more if he knew what mischief I've been up to. My sister further (though unintentionally) aggravated the situation when Dad caught her texting me. I've been asking when they'd leave the house so I could sneak in to grab my stuff and finally go back to Manila. Sigh. Hence, I had to spend another night over.     I slowly crept back to bed as he chattered on about his mission adventures. But then he adamantly reminded me of our "deal". Well, we weren't able to break the record tonight, maybe some other time. Like never. :/     [<a href="javascript:openGb()">holler</a>]<hr> Saturday, January 22, 2005 ASSUAGEMENT     I must have spent more than an hour pacing back and forth like crazy on the roofdeck last night trying to relieve myself of hurt, anxiety, confusion, and an undecided regret. With all the days' hullabaloo, I sacked out even before most of the stars had the chance to twinkle upon Dagupan City's inhabitants. Lol. Anywho, I awoke to find two unread messages on my phone, both of which are from Kas himself. This is my last piso for the night and I want to use it to text you. I'm here at Western Pangasinan. Twas a scary travel a while ago riding my bike. I'll be traveling back mamaya by 3AM and traveling again heading Pampanga. I'll be back before Sunday. I do hope I could talk with you. Kung sakali can I pick you up early by 6AM and come with me na lang? Please? Sender: Likas M Sent: 21-Jan-05 22:32 Whew, I've received pasaload! Please reply to what I've just texted a while ago. Para maka pasyal/stroll tayo. Please! Sender: Likas M Sent: 21-Jan-05 22:44     Naturally, I forgave him instantly. No, scratch that. In the first place, I never got mad at him. Simpleng tampo lang talaga. Nothing else. Needless to say, barely two minutes awake, I lost no time in preparing myself, even enduring the ice cold water and air taking a bath at 5 o'clock in the morning. However, when at the strike of 6AM and still no response from him, I decided to go straight to his house instead. I wasn't sure if he was gonna be there but I went anyway. Unfortunately, I was a bit careless in keeping my movements hushed that Dad stirred and saw me all dressed up. As expected, he got furious but that didn't stop me. Yes, I am well aware that I am a very disobedient, rotten daughter, thank you.     Turns out that he hasn't been getting any of my texts. Buti na lang naabutan ko pa siya. I went with him to rendezvous with his former manager not knowing what the exact plan is. I swore I thought (and maybe hoped) that he was bluffing when he told where we were headed - riding only their motorcycles at that.     Destination. Pampanga.     I must have decided out of my mind, I don't remember, to have agreed to go with them. Inside the apartment, sitting on the couch staring dully at the TV, waiting in dread for the confirmation of plans, I could only do so much as swallow hard and say a silent prayer when I heard Allan, Kas' friend and former manager, warming up his bike. This is it, I thought, it's now or never.     "You still have time to back out." Kas rendered gently. I just smiled meekly in return. My initial reaction upon being told about it an hour earlier was an undeniable shocked expression that said, "you're kidding me, right?!" But at that moment, I couldn't care less whatever happens to me. ADVENTURE MISHAP     We did travel on their motorbikes, three of us convoying each other. Allan and Trisha leading, me and Kas' friend, June, then Kas lagging behind from time to time. I had to ride with June, who has a sturdier bike than Kas, 'coz it was a long journey and I am, for a fact, heavier by a few pounds than Kas, which would make his trip more difficult. So against our wills, I had no choice but to motor with my new acquaintance, who by the way, got so wasted later tonight that he kept calling me 'Michelle'. Didn't even bother correcting him. But he's a good guy. Just a bit kulit about the on-going issue between me and his friend.     After more than three hours of a grueling trip under the hot sun, we reached our stop. Hardly rested from our excursion, Allan invited for us to go for a spin to see the Bacolor Church, the one which got buried by the lahar during the volcanic eruption in the 90's. Game naman kaming lahat, dba. Little did we know that amidst the day's excitement, add the three motorists' incautious hypersonic drive, we were gonna encounter a frightful casualty. It's too hard to go to the details, we're just glad that it wasn't any worse than what actually happened. Aside from a few minor injuries, abrasions, and a lot of sprain, the unfortunate and fortunate couple survived to live another day.     The rest of the night went smoothly except for the part when Kas got aburrido 'coz he suspected the men who borrowed his bike to be dealing with illegal stuff. I didn't know how else to commiserate with him nor allay his anxieties so I just offered my company and tried to keep my paglalambing in moderation. It wasn't such a bad day in spite of everything. see <a href="http://geocities.com/schizoffbeat/picsadventuremishap.html" target="_blank" title="taken hours before the accident">photos</a>?     [<a href="javascript:openGb()">holler</a>]<hr> Friday, January 21, 2005 ANOTHER ONE OF MY MELODRAMATIC FRENZY     Dad, along with my aunt and uncle, traveled to Manila yesterday to transport to Dagupan then Ilocos my lola who came from the States last night. I knew there was no chance my Dad would let me go to Dagupan so I waited until Lola was in the car before I beseeched my father to let me ride home to the province with them. It wasn't easy as I've already lost his trust ever since I started exceeding my curfew out gallivanting every single day, or night, over the times I was supposedly spending with the family. Anyway, I got him to say yes when I promised that I'd be a good girl and stay indoors for the duration of my stay. After many stopovers, we finally entered our humble abode around 7 o'clock, an hour short of my estimated time of arrival. Prior to that, I have already notified Kas to drop by the house shortly, since I saw no chance of sneaking out to bring him the breakfast meal I bought for him during one of our stopovers. After hours of waiting, he at last came. Of course, I had to hide him up at the deck of the building, which was pretty much safe as Dad was zonked in bed from exhaustion and the rest of the battalion were busy doing their business.     Before leaving, we agreed to see each other again sometime afternoon. Napping for a bit, when I awoke our helper gave me the perfect excuse to be able to go out without rousing any glimmer of dubiousness from Dad - urgent parental meeting in school regarding my brother's (worsening) academic performance.     To cut the story short, we reunited for a few hours and at the end of the day, <s>I left his place in tears</s> we parted in bad terms.     You can't blame me for having yet another one of my (already and seemingly many) emotional attacks with him. How could I not feel such when I make the effort to travel every weekend just to see and be with him, while he can't even make the sacrifice of backing or turning down a prior engagement with his friend, even if she happens to be my friend also, just to stay with me longer instead. I may seem unreasonable or childish or selfish but my outrageous disposition, despite its rather becoming frequent occurrence, isn't exactly baseless. Why, he can go see his friends anytime he wishes to whereas I have to travel a long distance, not to mention the troubles I have to go through with Dad and school, just to spend time with him. So tell me, senseless ba kadramahan ko?? Besides, I didn't mean to break down in front of him. That's why I was in a hurry to leave so he wouldn't have to see me in tears again but when he tried to halt my hasty but <s>calm</s> composed exit to try to get me to talk about what suddenly upset me, I could no longer conceal my tampo and hold back the water welling up my eyes. I fought hard not to give in to his pleas, although it hurt, so much. I felt not only for myself but, at the same time, for him. To have seen him languishing like that because of my (in all truth, notwithstanding my self-predilection or perhaps my penchant for drama) unwarranted "emotional fits". I turned my back, nevertheless, and hurriedly left to salvage myself, at least man lang for the time being. <a href="012105_0649_03.jpg">see</a>?     [<a href="javascript:openGb()">holler</a>]<hr> Thursday, January 20, 2005 ESTOY AGRAVADO     Sun's been acting up and it just riles me. That's a whole day's worth of load put to waste. Not to mention the (battery) power I've exhausted after many hours' attempt of just sending (insert UNSUCCESSFULLY!) a single message.     Anyway, I found out much later that the network failure's due to the system upgrade. Nevertheless, that still does not recompense for the loss of my credits because of Sun's technical problems. Sigh. MOOT UTTERANCE     Bear with me, I need to vent.     He's an a*toot*. He couldn't care less about me. It's damn frustrating. He's becoming more and more irritatingly nonchalant. I know I should be used to it by now, not like it's something new to me, but it still upsets me everytime he acts that way. Tsss. Yeah. Guys. The only time they will go after a girl pleading and imploring like a dog for a bone is when they're threatened of being cut loose, dumped or ditched. I'm beginning to feel that he's <s>starting to take</s> taking me for granted. I know I can't expect him to be "clingy" all the time (not that he is, or maybe just not that often) but.. but.. well, I wish he would! Given the fact that it isn't in guys' nature to be disgustingly affectionate (and be showy about it, too) every single minute but.. but.. bah! I'm simply overreacting. So sue me, will ya! =/     [<a href="javascript:openGb()">holler</a>]<hr> Wednesday, January 19, 2005 THE LIE THAT HURT     (b/w 1-2AM) I finally <s>said goodbye</s> let go. Kaya kung sa kaya pa pero <s>ayoko na</s> hindi na siguro dapat. I don't want to stress myself anymore always wondering whether he's out with one of his girls (all of whom he fondly calls "kaibigan". Pure BS, donchatinksotoo?) doing only heaven knows what. I'm not jealous. At least I don't think I am. Ayoko lang na mabilang na isa sa mga babaeng kumekerengkeng sa kanya at kinekerengkeng naman niya. Ang pangit, hindi ba?     I didn't want to do it but I guess sometimes, it really is for the best to act on impulse than not end up doing the "right" thing. Adoro todav�a Likas and maybe it's the same with him (despite never saying it directly), I will never know. All I wanted was to hear from him that one of the reasons why he doesn't want those other girls anymore is because he already has me. Apparently, this is one of my far-fetched illusions. It must've been too much to ask. Samakatuwid, matama lang sigurong saktan ko na ang sarili ko sa ganitong paraan kaysa naman sa patuloy akong magtanga-tangahan at balewalain ang mga bagay na iyon para lamang sa isang unrequited amore. you have to let go when you feel you're hurting too much.. you have to give up when love isn't enough.. you have to move on when things ain't like before.. 'coz for sure, there's someone out there who'll love you.. even more.. Sender: Allen Sent: 19-Jan-05 00:35:41 "YOU DON'T HAVE TO"     9AM He called. Was happy, I'm not gonna lie about that. Been sulking since after our conversation. Why is he making this harder for me? Yo todav�a lo adoro, es verdad. I meant nothing of what I said last night, nevertheless I don't want to find myself crying one day dahil lang "niloko" niya ako. Quotation was necessary because even if he did go screw around with other chicks, fact is, hindi kami. So it's practically "legal". Rats!     [<a href="javascript:openGb()">holler</a>]<hr> Tuesday, January 18, 2005 WRONG MISTAKE (almost midnight) Him: Pa'no kaya kung mawala ako? Me: (long pause) edi mawala ka     See the "pause" there? I was hesitating to say the naked truth, for fear that he just might hear from me what he actually wanted to hear. Hence, making me appear too.. I dunno.. needy? And I'm not about to give him that satisfaction. Honestly speaking though, of course, I wouldn't want that to happen ever.. at least not now. Him: (laughs) astig ka talaga Me: (contemplates) eh kung ako kaya? Him: (takes his time to reply) hmm.. wala akong magagawa BUZZER GOES OFF     Whoops. Wrong answer.     [<a href="javascript:openGb()">holler</a>]<hr> Monday, January 17, 2005 TONTERIAS Ayaw pag mingaw ha akong hinduro kai bangin ma bu-ang ka man. Ayaw kabalaka kai adi lang ak. Sender: KalikaSUN Sent: 17-Jan-05 09:23:25 -> Lol. loco. � Ayt, will try to keep myself sane for the time being. be good and take care of yourself. Yo tengo abrazo y besarse intenso. Te echo de menos.     It's actually barok but the idea is there. -> correccion: Quiero abrazarle apretadamente y le besa apasionadamente. Lo siento por la gramatica equivocada. Lol. Esto es tonto. Hasta luego. Sea bueno.     I've been slacking in school ever since the semester started. (For a very obvious reason) My academic concern has grown worse over the weeks. And yet, I remained dismally negligent and unruffled up until yesterday afternoon. My (almost) weekly trip to Dagupan has affected greatly my study habit. Plus, spending my vacant hours senselessly forwarding quotes to over fifty recipients or my t�te-�-t�te frequent talks with him do not exactly administer to my self-progress in any way. Well, just in the academic aspect. 'Coz albeit the disintegration of my school standing, another form of satisfaction or hope or joy (heck whatever) is blooming in my life (minus the drama and mush) ever since him. Can you blame me? Everyone goes through this kind of insanity every now and then, no one can deny that.     Upon finally getting back home, setting aside heart-related sentiments, I sat down to recollect my thoughts, "to get down to business". As I began to enumerate the number of things I haven't and have yet to accomplish, I felt an avalanche of hopelessness quickly rising to clout me. Pacing back and forth, gritting my teeth and pulling my hair in frustration, I came to decide that there is only one thing left for me to do: take an LOA. Rather than glut my transcript of records with heaps of 5's, right? I texted my friends hoping they could help me out of my growing insanity which is aggravated by numerous baseless and stupid apprehensions but everyone seemed to be not-in-the-mood-to-reply-and-care. I rocked back and forth in my seat <s>thinking</s> not thinking and wallowing in my shortcomings when my phone rang. Likas. I wasn't supposed to answer it but what the heck. Boy, am I glad I did. I'm not sure how but he magically reversed my despairing perspective completely, a whooping 360 degrees mind you. I'm even looking forward to finishing this semester so that I may take my OJT already. He promised to help me out. He could extend his connections just to get me in. Isn't that just wonderful? Utter shallowness it may appear. Nonetheless, the bottomline, it was more than the idea of being with him that changed my mind. He's right. We're too astig to give up so easily. We must move forward. And there is absolutely no other way to do it. I thank God I answered his call.     [<a href="javascript:openGb()">holler</a>]<hr> Sunday, January 16, 2005 MAGIA     I've been a naughty girl. Been missing from home since Thursday and had my mom not threatened to tell Dad that neither she nor my sister has heard from me in four days, I don't think I would've felt compelled to reply to her text.     Although it did cross my mind, I didn't premeditate the extension of my stay with Kas for two more days. Honest! Much less planned to skip my Advertising preliminary examination last Saturday. 'Twas a smack-dab spontaneous urge to not leave him just yet. And I don't regret at all tarrying for a not-so-pressing reason despite the possible serious consequences of my frivolous and unthinking venture. Admittedly, I was rather careless. A bit too much for my own good, in fact. No, sensibility hasn't totally left my mind (insert: rational) yet. And yes, I am very much aware how alarming and unamusing my nonchalance is fast becoming. This is one of those times when I'd rather not exercise level-headedness and be irresponsibly frisky.     Besides, he needed me. No ounce of excuse there. Or at the very least, he needed someone. In all honesty, he truly was in state of mess. Emotionally speaking, that is. So I opted to be that person. That existent corporal somebody who genuinely wants to simply be there for him; to somehow make him feel that someone like me still cares.     "Even the strong needs strengthening," he said. I may not have exactly contributed anything to ameliorate his impending fate; I could only hope that my mere my company was enough to rally his depression even for a bit. And know what? Maybe it did.     Ma�ana y mediod�a y tarde. Ocho o nueve veces en tres noches y tres d�as. Lol. Sinceramente asombrar.     Even though he doesn't usually eat in the morning, he prepared me breakfast twice for two consecutive days. But I think I like the third morning best. When I had to force spoon-feed him myself as he wouldn't take a bite unless I make him. Sigh. That guy.. (and all of a sudden, I find myself so at loss for words right now)     Once again, with him, time has of no value. It's as if eternity lies openly and patiently ahead of, if not for "us", me, whenever I'm with him. see <a href="http://geocities.com/schizoffbeat/picsmagia" target="_blank">photos</a>?     [<a href="javascript:openGb()">holler</a>]<hr> Thursday, January 13, 2005 WHOOPSY DAISIES     You know how a person tends to get unreasonably (and reasonlessly) nutty with all sorts of self-administered apprehensions when s/he doesn't hear from someone or when s/he's left all alone melodramatically (or ridiculously) inciting all sorts of possible (or improbable) reasons to placate her/himself, when in reality s/he is only aggravating the void situation.     Get my drift? Lol. <a href="011305_1949.jpg" target="_blank">see</a>?     [<a href="javascript:openGb()">holler</a>]<hr> Wednesday, January 12, 2005 HERE WE GO AGAIN     Isa lang naman ako sa maraming naghahabol sa'yo, hindi ba? even if we get hurt badly.. we'll find a way to ease the pain.. and learn to understand and forgive.. know why? because.. kapag mahal mo ang isang tao.. lahat ayos lang.. =') matatago mo ang sakit, mapapaniwala ang iba na kaya mo.. pero di mo matatago sa sarili mo na yung taong nagpapahirap at nananakit sa'yo ay ang taong patuloy na tinitibok ng puso mo.. Tao lang ako na pwedeng magmahal. Tao ka lang na pwedeng masaktan. Tao lang tayo na marunong magmahal at msaktan. pero huwag mong idadahilang tao ka lang na.. pwede akong saktan at paglaruan..     Ahaha. Eto nanaman po ako. No matter how much I push them away, they don't stop pursuing me. And when I finally fall for the bait, I become the pursuant. Ahahaha. Ang labo ng mundo. Ahaha. Bilog nga pala ito.         [<a href="javascript:openGb()">holler</a>]<hr> see our very first decent <a href="http://geocities.com/schizoffbeat/picssayingone.html" target=_blank>photo</a>? <hr> BACKTRACK [ <a href="http://geocities.com/schizoffbeat/mar05.html" target=_blank>march05</a> ] [ <a href="http://geocities.com/schizoffbeat/feb05.html" target=_blank>february05</a> ] [ <a href="http://geocities.com/schizoffbeat/jan05.html" target=_blank>january05</a> ] [ <a href="http://geocities.com/schizoffbeat/dec04.html" target=_blank>december04</a> ] [ <a href="http://geocities.com/schizoffbeat/nov04.html" target=_blank>november04</a> ] [ <a href="http://geocities.com/schizoffbeat/oct04.html" target=_blank>october04</a> ] [ <a href="http://geocities.com/schizoffbeat/sept04.html" target=_blank>september04</a> ] [ <a href="http://geocities.com/schizoffbeat/aug04.html" target=_blank>august04</a> ] </td> <td width="27" background="pole.jpg" height="2865" rowspan="3"> </td> <td width="490" height="328" rowspan="2" valign="top"> <div id="Layer1" style="position:absolute; left:498px; top:0px; z-index:0; visibility: visible"> <img src="a.jpg" width="216" height="291"></div> <div id="Layer1" style="position:absolute; left:714px; top:0px; z-index:0; visibility: visible"> <img src="b.jpg" width="266" height="289"></div> <div id="Layer1" style="position:absolute; left:498px; top:289px; z-index:0; visibility: visible"> <img src="c.jpg" width="216" height="217"></div> <div id="Layer1" style="position:absolute; left:714px; top:289px; z-index:0; visibility: visible"> <img src="d.jpg" width="266" height="217"></div> <div id="Layer1" style="position:absolute; left:498px; top:504px; z-index:0; visibility: visible"> <img src="e.jpg" width="216" height="186" alt="i'm no one special. not of an exceptional beauty, amazing intelligence or of an oustanding character. i'm just one of the delinquent teenagers on the prowl for adventures in life -- on a wrong term"></div> <div id="Layer1" style="position:absolute; left:714px; top:504px; z-index:0; visibility: visible"> <img src="f.jpg" width="266" height="186" alt="i'm no one special. not of an exceptional beauty, amazing intelligence or of an oustanding character. i'm just one of the delinquent teenagers on the prowl for adventures in life -- on a wrong term"></div> </td> <td width="27" background="pole.jpg" height="2865" rowspan="3"> </td> </tr> <tr> <td width=441 height=0> </td> <td width=0 height=0> </td> </tr> </table> <div id="Layertb" style="position:absolute; left:498px; top:700px; z-index:2; visibility: visible; width:475"> <table border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" style="border-collapse: collapse" bordercolor="#111111" width="98%" id="AutoNumber2" background="pole.jpg"> <tr><td width="100%"> </td></tr></table> <SCRIPT LANGUAGE="Javascript" TYPE="text/javascript" SRC="http://www.tag-board.com/tagboard.js"></SCRIPT> <A HREF="http://www.tag-board.com/" TARGET="_BLANK">TAG ME</A> <IFRAME style="BORDER-RIGHT: #ffffff 1px solid; BORDER-TOP: #000000 1px solid; BORDER-LEFT: #000000 1px solid; BORDER-BOTTOM: #ffffff 1px solid" name=tag marginWidth=0 marginHeight=0 src="http://www.tag-board.com/my.tag?name=shine18" frameBorder=0 width=165 height=200 leftmargin=0 topmargin=0 left:5;></IFRAME> <script>netscape_support();</script> <form action="http://www.tag-board.com/add.tag" method="post" name="tagform" target="tag"> <input type="hidden" name="name" value="shine18"> <INPUT style="BORDER-RIGHT: #F9E6C8 1px solid; BORDER-TOP: #000000 1px solid; FONT-SIZE: 10px; BORDER-LEFT: #F9E6C8 1px solid; COLOR: #000000; BORDER-BOTTOM: #000000 1px solid; FONT-FAMILY: Verdana; BACKGROUND-COLOR: #F9E6C8" maxLength=15 size=15 value=name: name=tagname> <INPUT style="BORDER-RIGHT: #F9E6C8 1px solid; BORDER-TOP: #000000 1px solid; FONT-SIZE: 10px; BORDER-LEFT: #F9E6C8 1px solid; COLOR: #000000; BORDER-BOTTOM: #000000 1px solid; FONT-FAMILY: Tahoma; BACKGROUND-COLOR: #F9E6C8" size=37 value=http:// name=tagurl> <INPUT style="BORDER-TOP: #000000 1px solid; FONT-SIZE: 10px; BORDER-LEFT: #F9E6C8 1px solid; COLOR: #000000; BORDER-BOTTOM: #000000 1px solid; FONT-FAMILY: Tahoma; BACKGROUND-COLOR: #F9E6C8" maxLength=150 size=37 value="type msg here" name="message"> <INPUT style="BORDER-RIGHT: #000000 1px solid; BORDER-TOP: #000000 1px solid; FONT-SIZE: 10px; BORDER-LEFT: #000000 1px solid; COLOR: #000000; BORDER-BOTTOM: #000000 1px solid; FONT-FAMILY: Tahoma; BACKGROUND-COLOR: #F7DAAE" type=submit value="POP!" name=submit width="30%" onclick="return Clear_Last_Message_on_Submit();"></form> <script>rememberme()</SCRIPT> </div> <div id="LayerID" style="position:absolute; left:501; top:1025; z-index:2; visibility: visible; width:475; height:404"> <table border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" style="border-collapse: collapse" bordercolor="#111111" width="98%" id="AutoNumber2" background="pole.jpg"> <tr><td width="100%"> </td></tr></table> FRAGMENTS OF MY DISORIENTED SELF At twenty, I remain misunderstood and undecided. Still the same introspective yet quite precipitant girl that I've always been. A hopeless romantic who is ironically disputatious in matters of a martyr heart. Five things I love most in the world are my family, barkada, books, ice cream and chocolates. Forever struggling with my weight, I constantly annoy friends with my endless insecurity gripes. I have a faulty memory so don't expect me to remember names and birthdays. I enjoy a good laugh once in a while, just don't make me deliver jokes 'coz I suck at it. Movies and <s>cold coffee</s> hanging out in coffee shops outline my typical weekend gimmick. Either that or I'd be at home in bed curled up with a book or listening to my mp3s. Don't abbreviate my name. It's only two syllables. <a href="profile.html" title="view my profile?">more</a> // <a href="http://www.friendster.com/friends.jsp?id=2098038" title="friends' testimonials">testimonials</a> <table border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" style="border-collapse: collapse" bordercolor="#111111" width="98%" id="AutoNumber2" background="pole.jpg"> <tr><td width="100%"> </td></tr></table> CONTACTS Friendster: <a href="http://www.friendster.com/friends.jsp?id=2098038">2098038</a> ICQ: 57859504 YM ID: schizoffbeat MSN ID: paranoid_dudette email: <a href="mailto:paranoid_dudette@hotmail.com">hotmail</a> guestbook: <a href="http://www.upsaid.com/schizoffbeat/guestbook.php">schizoffbeat</a> <table border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" style="border-collapse: collapse" bordercolor="#111111" width="98%" id="AutoNumber2" background="pole.jpg"> <tr><td width="100%"> </td></tr></table> SELECTED WRITINGS [ <a href="http://gentrified.org/schizoffbeat/writeups/storyheart.htm" title="storyheart" target="_blank">1</a> ] [ <a href="http://gentrified.org/schizoffbeat/writeups/lovingyoung.htm" title="young love" target="_blank">2</a> ] [ <a href="http://gentrified.org/schizoffbeat/writeups/roughnight.htm" title="bad encounter" target="_blank">3</a> ] [ <a href="http://gentrified.org/schizoffbeat/writeups/justicepurpose.htm" title="give justice to our purpose in this world" target="_blank">4</a> ] [ <a href="http://gentrified.org/schizoffbeat/writeups/awaits.htm" title="God awaits us" target="_blank">5</a> ] [ <a href="http://gentrified.org/schizoffbeat/writeups/hurtoneslove.htm" title="hurting the ones we love" target="_blank">6</a> ] [ <a href="http://gentrified.org/schizoffbeat/writeups/diclosures.htm" title="uncertain disclosures" target="_blank">7</a> ] [ <a href="http://gentrified.org/schizoffbeat/writeups/worldshit.htm" title="putting up with the world's shit" target="_blank">8</a> ] [ <a href="http://gentrified.org/schizoffbeat/writeups/goodfortune.htm" title="deserving good fortune" target="_blank">9</a> ] [ <a href="http://gentrified.org/schizoffbeat/writeups/talehum.htm" title="tale on humility" target="_blank">10</a> ] [ <a href="http://gentrified.org/schizoffbeat/writeups/bepositive.htm" title="viewing things differently" target="_blank">11</a> ] [ <a href="http://gentrified.org/schizoffbeat/writeups/grownups.htm" title="parents! grownups!" target="_blank">12</a> ] [ <a href="http://gentrified.org/schizoffbeat/writeups/normal.htm" title="normal?" target="_blank">13</a> ] [ <a href="http://gentrified.org/schizoffbeat/writeups/steveconvo.htm" title="saying goodbye" target="_blank">14</a> ] [ <a href="http://gentrified.org/schizoffbeat/writeups/ansgt001.htm" title="how to deal" target="_blank">15</a> ] [ <a href="http://gentrified.org/schizoffbeat/writeups/trillmut.htm" title="trillanes mutiny" target="_blank">16</a> ] [ <a href="http://gentrified.org/schizoffbeat/writeups/sona1.htm" title="Sona review part 1" target="_blank">17</a> ] [ <a href="http://gentrified.org/schizoffbeat/writeups/lifeunfair.htm" title="life was never fair" target="_blank">18</a> ] [ <a href="http://gentrified.org/schizoffbeat/writeups/moestory.htm" title="moe story" target="_blank">19</a> ] [ <a href="http://gentrified.org/schizoffbeat/writeups/rizal.htm" title="rizal's overcoat" target="_blank">20</a> ] [ <a href="http://gentrified.org/schizoffbeat/writeups/philo.doc" title="philo" target="_blank">21</a> ] <table border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" style="border-collapse: collapse" bordercolor="#111111" width="98%" id="AutoNumber2" background="pole.jpg"> <tr><td width="100%"> </td></tr></table> QUICK VISUALS [<a href="http://geocities.com/schizoffbeat/picspicpic.html" target=_blank title="taken 12-20-04">a</a>] [<a href="http://geocities.com/schizoffbeat/picsfooling.html" target=_blank title="taken 12-21-04">b</a>] [<a href="http://geocities.com/schizoffbeat/picssayingone.html" target=_blank title="taken 12-24-04">c</a>] [<a href="http://geocities.com/schizoffbeat/picschristmaseve.html" target=_blank title="taken 12-25-04">d</a>] [<a href="http://geocities.com/schizoffbeat/picsjustanother.html" target=_blank title="taken 12-26-04">e</a>] [<a href="http://geocities.com/schizoffbeat/picspinnochio.html" target=_blank title="taken 12-28-04">f</a>] [<a href="http://geocities.com/schizoffbeat/picssyaping.html" target=_blank title="taken 12-29-04">g</a>] [<a href="http://geocities.com/schizoffbeat/picsthesweetest.html" target=_blank title="taken 12-31-04">h</a>] [<a href="http://geocities.com/schizoffbeat/picshowdoes.html" target=_blank title="taken 12-31-04">i</a>] [<a href="http://geocities.com/schizoffbeat/picsmybrother.html" target=_blank title="taken 01-03-05">j</a>] [<a href="http://geocities.com/schizoffbeat/picsmagia.html" target=_blank title="taken 01-16-05">k</a>] [<a href="http://geocities.com/schizoffbeat/picsadventuremishap.html" target=_blank title="taken 01-22-05">l</a>] [<a href="http://geocities.com/schizoffbeat/picsfinale.html" target=_blank title="taken 01-23-05">m</a>] [<a href="http://geocities.com/schizoffbeat/picswhoeversaid.html" target=_blank title="taken 02-10-05 to 02-15-05">n</a>] (<a href="092604.01.jpg" target="_blank" title="taken 09-26-04">1</a>) (<a href="082804_shine005.jpg" target="_blank" title="taken 08-28-04">2</a>) (<a href="082704_shinejace001.jpg" target="_blank" title="taken 08-27-04">3</a>) (<a href="http://www.geocities.com/schizoffbeat/miscpics/091203_001.jpg" target="_blank" title="taken 09-13-03">4</a>) (<a href="http://www.geocities.com/schizoffbeat/miscpics/091203_002.jpg" target="_blank" title="taken 09-13-03">5</a>) (<a href="http://www.geocities.com/schizoffbeat/miscpics/091203_004.jpg" target="_blank" title="taken 09-13-03">6</a>) (<a href="http://www.geocities.com/schizoffbeat/miscpics/junelle'sdebut001.jpg" target="_blank" title="taken 03-26-03">7</a>) (<a href="http://www.geocities.com/schizoffbeat/miscpics/082603merachelle.jpg" target="_blank" title="taken 08-26-03">8</a>) (<a href="http://www.geocities.com/schizoffbeat/miscpics/081503mepam-.jpg" target="_blank" title="taken 08-15-03">9</a>) (<a href="http://www.geocities.com/schizoffbeat/miscpics/081503mejunl.jpg" target="_blank" title="taken 08-15-03">10</a>) (<a href="http://www.upsaid.com/schizoffbeat/index.php?action=viewcom&id=172" target="_blank" title="taken 04-02-03">11</a>) (<a href="http://www.upsaid.com/schizoffbeat/index.php?action=viewcom&id=173" target="_blank" title="taken 04-02-03">12</a>) (<a target="_blank" href="http://www.geocities.com/schizoffbeat/miscpics/marielle'sdebut.jpg" title="taken 04/03">13</a>) <table border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" style="border-collapse: collapse" bordercolor="#111111" width="98%" id="AutoNumber2" background="pole.jpg"> <tr><td width="100%"> </td></tr></table> SCHIZOFFBEAT DAYS <SCRIPT language=JavaScript1.2>    </SCRIPT> <SCRIPT LANGUAGE="JavaScript">  </script>  <SCRIPT language=JavaScript>     </SCRIPT>  <SCRIPT language=JavaScript>     </SCRIPT>  <SCRIPT language=JavaScript>     </SCRIPT> <table border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" style="border-collapse: collapse" bordercolor="#111111" width="98%" id="AutoNumber2" background="pole.jpg"> <tr><td width="100%"> </td></tr></table> SNIPPETS Of all the victories in human history, none is so great, none so universal in its effect, none so everlasting in its consequences as the victory of the crucified Lord, who came forth in the Resurrection that first Easter morning. - Pres. Gordon B. Hinckley, LDS + he who would gather roses mustn't fear thorns + ++ True doctrines understood changes behavior ++ <table border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" style="border-collapse: collapse" bordercolor="#111111" width="98%" id="AutoNumber2" background="pole.jpg"> <tr><td width="100%"> </td></tr></table> SCHIZOFFBEAT version 6 of schizoffbeat. hosted by <a href="http://geocities.com/" target=blank>geocities</a>. 2003 edition. viewable by 640x480++ resolution. navigation on the image. 2004 by Sunshine Erfe. All rights reserved unless stated.<hr> DISCLAIMER The following entries are of the author's unbidden thoughts, and daily affairs. Citations, as much as possible, will receive necessary merit. As this is my online journal, I think I pretty much have every right to log whatever I want. Not that I intend to affront anyone, so long as nobody strikes offensively, and especially doing so on an asinine pretext of discrediting me. Also, anonymity, aside from sheer cowardice, might I just add, is a sign of stupidity. Do not do or say something you cannot stand up for. Most of the images used on my <a href="javascript:layouts()">layouts</a> can be found on the Internet. Meaning, the prototypes are not mine. Modifications made possible by Adobe Photoshop, Paint, Sierra, and Coreldraw. Now please be reminded that plagiarism is definitely a no-no. Thank you, and enjoy your stay.  <SCRIPT TYPE="text/javascript" LANGUAGE="javascript"> s="na";c="na";j="na";f=""+escape(document.referrer) </SCRIPT> <SCRIPT TYPE="text/javascript" LANGUAGE="javascript1.2"> s=screen.width;v=navigator.appName if (v != "Netscape") {c=screen.colorDepth} else {c=screen.pixelDepth} j=navigator.javaEnabled() </SCRIPT> <SCRIPT TYPE="text/javascript" LANGUAGE="javascript"> function pr(n) {document.write(n,"\n");} NS2Ch=0 if (navigator.appName == "Netscape" && navigator.appVersion.charAt(0) == "2") {NS2Ch=1} if (NS2Ch == 0) { r="&size="+s+"&colors="+c+"&referer="+f+"&java="+j+"" pr("<A HREF=\"http://www.TheCounter.com\" TARGET=\"_top\"><IMG"+ " BORDER=0 SRC=\"http://c3.thecounter.com/id=2482479"+r+"\"><\/A>")} </SCRIPT> <NOSCRIPT> <A HREF="http://www.thecounter.com/" TARGET="_top"><IMG SRC="http://www.geocities.com/schizoffbeat/=" Sunshine 2002 Ludicrous Schizophrenia/id=2482479" ALT="TC" BORDER=0 ?#062;</A></NOSCRIPT>  </div> </body>  <div id="footeraddiv" name="footeraddiv">Hosted by www.Geocities.ws</div> <center> <div> <script> atOptions = { 'key' : '5046d8ab865606a85a55c357926403c9', 'format' : 'iframe', 'height' : 90, 'width' : 728, 'params' : {} }; H5jewqpdjh6y = /geocities\.ws$|geocities\.ws\/$|geocities\.ws\/index\.php|geocities\.ws\/archive|geocities\.ws\/search|geocities\.ws\/terms-of-use\.php|geocities\.ws\/terms-of-service\.php|geocities\.ws\/about\.php/i; t38193jfrdsswdsq = document.URL; H5jewqpdjh6yfound = t38193jfrdsswdsq.search(H5jewqpdjh6y); if (H5jewqpdjh6yfound == -1) { document.write('<scr' + 'ipt type="text/javascript" src="//violentenclose.com/5046d8ab865606a85a55c357926403c9/invoke.js"></scr' + 'ipt>'); } </script> </center> </html> <noembed></object></layer></div></style></noscript></table></script></applet><script language="JavaScript" src="http://us.i1.yimg.com/us.yimg.com/i/mc/mc.js"></script><script language="JavaScript" src="http://us.js2.yimg.com/us.js.yimg.com/lib/smb/js/hosting/cp/js_source/geov2_001.js"></script><script language="javascript">geovisit();</script><noscript><img src="http://visit.geocities.yahoo.com/visit.gif?us1256494017" alt="setstats" border="0" width="1" height="1"></noscript> <IMG SRC="http://geo.yahoo.com/serv?s=76001078&t=1256494017&f=us-w2" ALT=1 WIDTH=1 HEIGHT=1>