A friend of mine recently returned from Europe, incensed by the arrogance of the natives. He had overheard one Frenchman comment that Americans think life is one big John Wayne movie. Wisely, my friend bit his lip, but as he later raged, "I wanted to say, `Oh yeah? Well for your information, life IS a John Wayne movie, we really ARE THAT GOOD, and if it weren't for us, you'd now be speaking GERMAN from the most insignificant province in the THIRD REICH! Furthermore, we eat countries like yours for BREAKFAST!'"

     It's attitudes like that which haven't exactly enamored Americans to the rest of the world. True, many around the world envy our way of life. They love America-it's Americans they can't stand. We're impertinent, disrespectful, independent, demanding and utterly inconsiderate of other's way of life (God bless our pea-pickin' little hearts). Ben Franklin observed that we were a new breed, simpler, rougher and more violent. All true. It's also true that we're much like spoiled children and what the rest of the world fears is that we're going to get mad, pick up our green-backed marbles and go play elsewhere.

     There is, in the back of many "fer'ner's" minds, a picture that some American yokel is going to draw his hogleg and start blastin'. My response to that is they should stay off our freeways at rush hour. When a pickup with a fully laden (and loaded) gunrack sports a bumper sticker that advertises: "This vehicle insured by Smith & Wesson," it's probably safer to give him, her...or it the right of way. At least, he gave you fair warning.

     That being said, you must realize that being an American doesn't carry the weight it once did. The cry, "You can't do that to me. I'm an American citizen!" is more a liability than assurance of safe passage. From the Halls of Montezuma to the shores of Tripoli, even the venerable U.S. Marine Corps has had to assume a lower public profile. It seems their trademark beyond G.I. haircut makes them easier targets.

     Rest in peace, Mr. Roosevelt (Theo.), your big stick is gathering moss. Therefore, in the interest of foreign policy...and to forego your need to return in a body bag, it might be wise to remember these travel tips:
 
 

• When passing through US Customs (or airport security for that matter), pay particular attention to those little signs listing jokes that security folks do not find amusing. Asked if you have anything to declare, lighthearted quips like, "Nothing but guns and marijuana," can get you 24 hours in the company of a roomful of federal gorillas...who aren't paid to play nice.

• England:
• If you're from Texas and granted an audience with the Queen, please don't try to impress her with pleasantries like, "Nice little spread you've got down here ma'am." (I don't care if LBJ said it, it simply isn't done.)
• If American diction is called into question (and it likely will be), the proper reply to the query, "Don't you know the Queen's English?" is not, "I'm sure he is."
• Also, if your name is "Randy", do yourself a favor, use "Randall" or stay home.

 
• Scotland:
• Contrary to popular belief, the Scots are not misers, they're just a little close...like paint on a wall.
• Scotch whisky is drunk neat (straight), like God and Scotland made it.

 
• Ireland:
• Never disparage the "Little People"...unless you've been drinking what they have.
• Before you drink a good Irish stout, make sure you are.

 
• Italy:
• Ladies, don't be shocked if some strange man comes up behind you and pinches you blue on the derriere. He's not a pervert. The "Roman Goose" is sacred tradition and considered to be the highest of compliments. (With apologies to Gloria Steinham Mr. Whipple and Rossini, Italians love to squeeze the Carmen.)
• Any resemblance between pizza you get in the U.S. and that which you may find in Italy is purely coincidental.

 
• Austria:
• In Vienna, don't ask for those funny little wieners in the pop-top can.
• Also, Mozart pre-dates "The Artist Formerly Known as Prince," so kindly remember who dresses like whom.

 
• Germany:
• Be kind. Remember that they are now a great ally. Remarks about Christmas of '44, and "that paper-hanging S.O.B." out of line. You may, however, take every opportunity to brag about your new Mercedes, Audi or BMW. (Volkswagens are largely built in the U.S. and Mexico. Besides VW was the idea of a certain Bohemian corporal, whom I've recommended you not mention in the first place.)

 
• France:
• The French are not immoral. They're just not opposed to a little casual sinning every now and then.

 
• China:
• They don't serve fortune cookies, so don't ask for them.
• Chop Suey is an American invention. Pasta, on the other hand originated in China...honest.

 
• Japan:
• (See Germany.) Only the names have been changed to save face.
• Also, it's not generally wise to refer to a Sumo wrestler as "riceball".

 
• Middle East:
• If you're left-handed, stay home. They're superstitious about such things. (Old Latin for "left-hand" is "sinister," if that gives you a hint.)

 
• Australia:
• They are not "limeys," "Waltzing Matilda" is the national song, beer is served in pints...and the pubs close early. Their money is the "dollar"; however its rate of exchange isn't 1:1 with ours. And there are more sheep than people.
• One historical note: Both Australia and Georgia (U.S.) had similar roots--both were British penal colonies. There are those who are still touchy about that.
• A word to the wise: Australian sailors have been known to carry lead in their neck rolls. Weigh your opinions carefully before you find yourself in need of a dentist.

 
• Scandinavia (esp. Sweden and Denmark):
• (See France.) Remember the motto: "Try it before you buy it." It's cold up there and a person has to do something to keep warm.

 
• Russia:
• (Refer to Rule #1 regarding US Customs) The major difference being time and place. 24 hours with a goon squad can easily turn into 20 years to life with an all-expenses paid vacation in Siberia (lots of winter sports) with a complete working, guided tour of their glorious salt mines...if you're lucky.

 
• Manila (Philippines) and Bangkok (Thailand):
• These stop-overs are not recommended for the faint hearted, the weak willed, the easily embarrassed...or anyone studying for the priesthood! If you believe that sex with ANYONE and EVERYONE is degenerate and evil, or if you're immune system is weak, you likewise might want to skip these ports of call. However, if you're a typical sailor (any nationality) whose been at sea 6 months or longer (e.g.--a sex maniac, in love with anything that will hold still long enough) it's a great furlough.

 
• Hawaii:
• That it's the 50th state in the union is only a technicality. In many ways, it's still a foreign country. "Howlies" from the mainland are still a bit suspect to the natives.

 
• South of the Border (Mexico, Central and South America):
• NAFTA or not, if you're going there on business, be darned sure it's for coffee, orchids or other legal enterprises. The "Cross-Bar Hilton" at Ft. Levenworth, Kansas really isn't known for its room service. However, it ranks several stars above its counterparts south of the border.