"It's the Model T Ford made the trouble, Made the people wanna' go,
Wanna' get, wanna' get, wanna' get up and go...
7...8...9...10...12...22...23 miles to the county seat...
And who's gonna' patronize a little-bitty country 2x4 kind of store anymore?"
(Meredith Wilson--The Music Man)

Back in the "buggy days," people who traveled, whether for business or pleasure were both objects of both wonder and suspicion. In rural America, hard work and thrift were gospel. Hours were from cock-crow until it was too dark to see, seven days a week, year-round...cows had to be milked, even on the Sabbath. Even schoolin' had to fit around the harvest or the herd. School was let out if there was cotton to be chopped or peas to be picked. When the crop's in the field, time's a wastin'! A traveling man was a deviant to the rural mind set, because it was obvious that no honest man had time to travel. and it was plain tom-foolery to waste hard-earned money when there was next year's crop and young `uns to consider. And a traveling woman-well, that was altogether ridiculous. Most any woman who traveled (unless the rest of her family was in tow) was obviously a harlot. Not surprisingly, many, many people lived and died, often never venturing farther than "town" (often less than ten miles away), and then maybe only a few times a year.

As a result, strangers were viewed with a good deal of distrust. Gamblers and drifters were inherently evil and were to be avoided by all God-fearing folk. The farmer distrusted the cowboy because he wouldn't stay put. Likewise the cowboy disliked the farmer for fencing in the open range. God forbid you should be a "sheep herder."

Things now are considerably different. Our society is so mobile that, on the average, Americans move about once every couple of years. In some communities, children who have never been to Disney World are considered by their peers to be underprivileged. (Of course, where else but the U.S. could millionaire ball players strike for better pay? Is this a great country or what?) In any case, we Americans love to travel. Via car, boat, train, plane, ship, hang-glider or skateboard-it really doesn't matter. As long as we can get from Point A to Point B with a minimum of layovers and drinks are served en route, we'll fly now and pay later. In fact, with the advent of the special promotional fares (e.g.-Super-Saver, Special Super-Saver, Ultimate Super-Saver, Low Frills, No Frills and Get-Out-and-Push, etc...) it can cheaper to go to Jamaica for the weekend than to stay home and catch dinner and a show-especially if a sitter is involved.

Tourism is big business, at home and abroad. Of course, people rarely think of their hometown as a tourist spot and are often annoyed with the those who do. For instance, readers of Damon Runyon may wonder if New York's Lindy's still has cheesecake. ("What are you some kind of tourist?") In desperation, natives often find themselves reduced to the only means they know to retaliate against the onslaught of interlopers-hit them in the pocketbook. From Broadway to Biloxi, they take them in. Nathan Detroit would be proud.

If you are planning to join the legions of road warriors that annually clog America's concrete arteries, here are a few corollaries worth remembering:

• When travelling by sea...
• Before committing to a ocean cruise, test your seaworthiness. Down a fifth of rum and then try to sleep on a water bed. If that doesn't bother you, you have the makings of a fine sailor.
• It is impossible to diet on a ocean cruise. Don't bother trying. As a rule, some food is served almost continuously from 6:00 a.m. to about 2:00 a.m., next morning. After that, you have to resort to room service.
• Remember that scenes on "The Love Boat" were filmed in a studio. The size of a typical stateroom is more reminiscent of a telephone booth than a hotel suite.
• Although it is the fashionable way to go, an ocean liner's romantic visage may not strictly deserved. From those who've been there, the action lies in the 3-mast sailing variety. Shiver me timbers!
• When traveling by air...
• It is generally best to schedule your travel with a major commercial airline. In the first place, it is more dignified. Riding with passengers of your own species is almost always more preferable than roosting. Let's face it, hay fever at 17,000 feet doesn't make for a pleasant holiday. Secondly, the majors are usually more reliable. Not only do you stand a better chance of getting there on time, but of getting there at all. And, if the trip doesn't end quite in the manner your surviving family expected, at least they'll be taken care of. Major airlines are insured with old-line companies with names like "National Praetorian Mutual Security & Fidelity Lloyds", etc... On the other hand (assuming you're left with one), Fred's Treetop Airways may be insured...well, by Fred.
• Never fly with on an airliner whose captain enters the plane wearing a skull cap and parachute (e.g.-stay away from Aeroflot). If he enters with a seeing eye dog and George Shearing isn't on the manifest, it's probably a good bet to pass on that flight, as well.
• Most modern commercial planes do not sport paintings of Betty Grable, Lana Turner or any of the Vargas girls on the side. (If you still have any concerns about the age of the plane you're to fly, check the fuselage under the pilot's window. If is still has little rows of rising suns or swastikas painted there, I would seriously question the condition of the plane (and the pilot).
• Finally, under no circumstances should you ask a stewardess to initiate you into the Mile High Club. You must take a number and wait just like everybody else. (For those of you too young to remember the 1970s, suffice it to say that the Mile High Club has nothing to do with the lounge at the Denver International Airport-well, very little, anyway.)
• When traveling by land...
• Never try to bluff anyone who is driving a vehicle larger (or considerably more expensive than you do. Physical laws pertaining to mass and inertia are still in tact, no matter how old fashioned. A Peterbilt still outweighs a Volkswagen by several tons.

 
• Never try to outrun a train. In case of a tie, you'll lose.
• Never drive faster than the highway patrolman who is two cars in front of you.
• Buses are good if you have a strong bladder.
• Trains are wonderful things. In fact, they're so good that Dr. Freud gave them a hang-up all their own. During the age of steam, many people would live and die, never venturing outside their county. To that era, the phantom whistle of a locomotive passing in the night struck a chord of romance and stirred the imagination toward places unknown. Some might still argue that the railroads were what made this nation great. But railroads ran out of steam, both literally and figuratively. Diesel was cheap, and that old whistle gave way to the air horn. The blossom ignobly faded, but the romance never died. So if you step aboard an AMTRAK and find yourself wondering what all the fuss was about, remember (or imagine) what it was like back in 1969 when you heard the words, "The EAGLE has landed!" Tomorrow had arrived.
• When traveling by teleporter...I said tomorrow had arrived, not Mr. Spock.
• When traveling by subway...I wonder if they've started work on that teleporter?
• When traveling by monorail...M-I-C-K-E-Y M-O-U-S-E!