Fashion is a sensitive and vacillating point which about as certain as quicksand. Devotees of all that is fashionable will attest to the fact that the only constant about it is that it is constantly changing.

Women's fashions have always been notorious for changing and rearranging seasonally, if not weekly. You know...tonight's evening gown is tomorrow's heirloom (i.e.-never to be worn again). The Legend of Last Season's Dress has been going around for years. Instead of "Once upon a time,..." it begins, "I haven't a thing to wear!" and invariably ends with, "Oh, that old thing!"

However, since the advent of the Beatles (a time reference only), men have discovered that there is life after Oxfords. For the first time since the death of Prince Albert, western men found that silk could be used for something other than neckties and parachutes. "Thou shalt wear boiled and starched white shirts" was dropped from the list of fashion commandments (except perhaps at IBM and other Jurassic-era corporate entities). Ladies no longer have the corner on "closet vanity." No indeed. In fact, they now often have trouble finding room in the closet. You see, the great fashion houses of New York, London and Paris discovered a great untapped market...men. This, of course, delighted fashion designers no end as many seem to prefer men anyway. Closets that once bore but two suits (blue for winter, gray for summer), now blossomed in a panoply of style (double-knit leisure suits excepted). Good Queen Victoria finally died and a new Renaissance arrived.

Of course, the resulting boom brought even more heated competition to the highly political and cut-throat fashion industry. Suddenly there were more spies on New York's Seventh Avenue than there were in Moscow and Washington, D.C., combined. They were paid better, too. The C.I.A. found itself in the unenviable position of having to compete with the Manhattan pay scale-besides, think of the phone numbers! Eat your heart out, Mr. Bond.

As with any boom, with the business came the hacks. To the fashion world they flocked...the Good, the Bad and the Tasteless. Today, it seems that all it takes to make it in fashion is to affix your name to a label. Voila! You're a designer. Of course, it helps if you've made it big in some other high-profile field first, (e.g.-movies, sports, TV commercials, etc...), although, you don't have to really exist to become one of the chosen elite. Disney and Warner Brothers make out quite nicely with their lines of cartoon character clothing. I suppose Disney should shoulder most of the responsibility-they've been the masters of the game ever since the Davy Crockett hat of the `50s. Mama don't let your babies grow up to be merchandisers.

Through fashion, at least, there seems to be true equality between the sexes. Women can dress like men. Men can (and often do) dress like women. Anything goes, from Madison Avenue to Mozart (provided it's purple and sequined, of course). Anyone weighing less than 110 lbs. can dress like a 21st century doorman, learn to moonwalk...and not be ushered into a home for the terminally tasteless. Men and women alike can proudly strut down any street showing off an outfit which, not that long ago would only have been found under a mammoth banner welcoming you to "The Ringling Brothers, Barnum & Bailey Circus-The Greatest Show on Earth!" However, in the greater public interest, I must point out that there are still a few guidelines which are still pretty much inviolate if you plan on venturing from the fashion world into...well, the real one.

• When choosing underwear, let your conscience be your guide (assuming you still have one). For the most part, undergarments should be functional (at least, in public), comfortable...and changed regularly. Too many a bride has discovered to her horror that Prince Charming holds fast to the belief that so long as there are still a few threads connected to the waistband, his shorts are still perfectly serviceable. Men basically have three choices in underwear-boxer, brief and bikini. Keep in mind, bikinis are for show, not for comfort (remember why you like them on girls?) Briefs are usually the most comfortable and ultimately the most practical of the styles. Boxers, on the the other hand, bring back unpleasant memories of the military and have been rightly tagged "Creepy Crawlers." `Nuff said.

 
• Besides the traditional choices of silky undergarments, underwires, Sunday uplifts, etc...women now have the added choice of "men's style" or athletic underwear. Although not particularly feminine in the classic sense, they do seem to be practical. (Comfort, I can't attest to).

 
• About your mother's warnings about clean underwear in case of an accident... · don't worry. It won't matter. As Bill Cosby once said, "I thought that's what an accident was."

 
• Anything pink does not necessarily match anything green.

 
• Fingernails and toenails of blue, green, black or any other grossly unnatural color should be left to the dead, the dying and re-runs of "The Munsters."

 
• If you feel that you must pierce some part of your body, please confine it to the ears. Life is complicated enough.

 
• Safety pins cannot really be considered jewelry, and I doubt very much if Lloyds of London would insure them as such.

 
• Men, for formal wear, the collars and cuffs should match. It should also have collars and cuffs. If it doesn't-change. If your tuxedo shirt says "Fruit-of-the-Loom" on the label, you might be in trouble.

 
• Blue jeans should not be worn to the Ascot Races, and Morning Suits probably aren't suitable for rodeos.

 
• Boots are utilitarian and may now be worn acceptably for most occasions...provided they are well cared-for and don't have hobnail soles. Unless you are in snake country or on active military duty, pant legs should be worn outside the shank.

 
• Androgyny may be the up-and-coming thing, but never forget that there is a world of difference between a dress and a kilt. In wars past, the Scots earned the nickname, "The Ladies from Hell." As that might indicate, deleterious remarks toward their masculinity might prove hazardous to your health.

 
• Dresses are generally meant to accent the looks and figures of ladies (see above). Satin and silk are pleasing to the eye and soft to the touch. Hop-sacks are generally scratchy and unflattering. Frocks speak of artistic leanings, and mu-mus are utilitarian in the tropics. Mini-skirts are titillating. Low-cut backs and high-slit skirts are provocative. Full-length dresses are generally formal. Then there is the belted sweatshirt. I don't fully understand its purpose, although I suspect it has something to do with the marketing division of MTV.

 
• Hair may be long, short or almost anywhere in between as long as it's clean and neat. It may be sculptured, styled, groomed or razor cut. However, spiked, checkerboard, spotted and day-glo hairstyles have yet to really be accepted in polite company. Pace yourself.

 
• In all cases, patterned material should be tasteful and appropriate to the occasion. There is a difference between colorful and loud. Stripes, checks, polka-dots, and plaids are all fine in their own rights-just not on the same outfit. However, leave psychedelic paisleys to LSD flashbacks and memories of The Strawberry Alarm Clock.

 
• With the possible exception of beaches, swimming pools, nudist colonies and the like, shoes should always be worn in public...even in K-Mart.

 

 

© Russ Brown, 1997