Not long ago, a second-grade health class was queried as to what constituted a well-balanced meal. The consensus was: "Two all-beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions on a sesame-seed bun." Two of the boys then began arguing whether flame-broiling indeed beat frying. The young teacher became so upset, she spilled her chocolate shake all over her Jumbo Jack. The story had a happy ending, however. The principal finally interceded, made the boys shake hands...then they ordered out for pizza.

     Seriously, the pursuit of etiquette has been a societal concern for thousands of years. Martin Luther published a book of table manners way back in the 16th century. Of course, manners are a timely as well as regional affair. I'm sure, for instance, Emily Post would have thought England's King Henry VIII, a boorish, drunken, filthy beast...and I'm sure the good king would have found Miss Post a sharp-tongued wench in want of another head.

     Etiquette is not just necessary for acceptance into polite society. In some cultures, lack of strict adherence can lead to swift and fatal retribution. In other words, if a warlord offers you fresh monkey brains, it is best to gracefully accept and choke them down as best you can, unless of course, you're up for a part in "The Legend of Sleepy Hollow." The same applies to eating with your left hand among Shiite Moslems or Kurds. Doing so puts you in the same status as a leper--an outcast, cursed by Allah, and a candidate for Hell. I won't go into the exact details as to why. Let's just say that as I'm left-handed, I find the thought of a flying visit absolutely chilling.

     So, as a public service to the socially inept, I offer some common-sense do's and don'ts for dinner:

• When at a dinner party, don't expectorate on the floor...unless the hostess does first.
• Never eat peas with your knife, unless mashed potatoes are served as well.
• When eating our, UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES, should you bring your own tub of margarine just because you don't care for their brand. Besides being rude, such contraband has an annoying tendency to melt inside your purse and seems particularly attracted to car keys and magnetic credit card strips.

(True story. I've seen it done.)
 
• I realize that green vegetables are considered foreign matter to many people under 30, and that tomatoes are tolerated only when ketchup isn't available for their hamburgers. However, if you find yourself dining at your future in-law's house and by some bizarre coincidence broccoli, spinach or other chlorophyll derivative is served, if you value your life, DO NOT ask for peanut butter instead.

(Also true.)
• Also, it isn't polite to refer to green salad or tuna fish as "single girl food." (It is, but they don't like to be reminded when you're eating chicken fried steak smothered in cream gravy. )

 
• Chew with your mouth closed. Everyone else at the table already knows what you are having for dinner.

 
• Conversation at the table should be light, witty and extemporaneous. Death, diapers and delivery ARE NOT acceptable topics.

 
• If your infant must eat with you and your guests and junior spits his pablum all over your great aunt's Dior gown, please don't try to pass it off by saying: "Isn't he the cutest thing...and so smart, too!"

 
• Belching may be considered good form and a compliment to the chef in certain parts of the world; however, if you're reading this in English, it probably doesn't apply to you.

 
• "Only cannibles eat standing up." (Master Wu, Flower Drum Song) Good advice nonetheless.

 
• When ordering or serving wine:
• Red wind generally is served with red meat; white wine with poultry or fish.
• A wine's sugar content shouldn't rival Captain Crunch.
• Nice people don't drink Ripple, Thunderbird or "Mad Dog" 20/20.
• Sweet and fortified wines should be served with dessert, not the main course.
• If it is your main course, get help.

 
• If you feel the need to reach for the last piece of chicken, do so at your own risk. Impalement is an ugly thing.

 
• "Finger-lickin' good" is a slogan, not a suggestion.

 
• Napkins and sleeves are not interchangeable. Neither are shirttails and tissues, for that matter.

 
• If offered a lobster bib, by all means take advantage of it.

 
• Yes, you are supposed to eat that sprig of parsley decorating your plate. Think of it as an organic, after-dinner mint.

 
• If you're a man, it is permissible to raise your pinkie when you drink, but don't be surprised if the maître 'd makes a pass at you.

 
• If you insist on blowing bubbles in your milk, you'll have to sit in the executive dining room with all the other MBAs.

 
• Coffee may be taken intravenously only on workdays.

 

© Russ Brown, 1998